could someone mark my language paper question 1 and tell me what i could improve on ?

It was peaceful. I laid in the great green grass, surrounded by acres of trees with fruits hung from branches like jewels. The music in my ears was soothing to the mood of the cloudy skies. People called me odd, I wasn’t like everyone else who enjoyed the sunny days. It was too bright for me. This is my beautiful place. I couldn’t understand what there wasn’t to like about it, it was better than anything you could imagine.
The sheer memories I had with this place was unbeknownst to other people. My best friend died here. I still remember it everyday, however, I don’t particularly fret upon it. I feel like this is what she would’ve wanted, for me to still love this part of the park. At the start it was hard, people thought I was the reason she died. I almost wished I had died instead. You could say she’s in a beautiful place as well now. I still remember the things she did, she would climb on the trees and take the fruits off the branches, we would see squirrels lurking in the overgrown shrubs, we would even feed them sometimes. Honestly, she was all I've ever had. In all honesty, my life was going into a hellish descent, I didn’t know what to do anymore. There was nobody I could really talk to or anyone who truly understood and cared about me. She was the only person who really understood me and would listen to all the things I had to say. It felt like I knew her since the beginning of time, which killed me even more. I try to imagine the things she would do but it’s so faint and challenging it starts to hurt my head. I wish I could move on. I listen to her favourite songs all the time to help recollect my memories of her. You would expect a beautiful place to bring happy memories. If I told anyone about this they would think I’m crazy and just utterly delusional. I brought her favourite flowers every week, hoping that she would come back to me yet she didn’t, honestly I'm such a fool to even think she would come back. I just couldn’t accept the fact that she died. My family started to distance themselves from me, why? I never really understood anything, I wasn’t particularly good in school, neither was I good at sports. I guess I kind of am weird? I’m not weird in my eyes though. It was getting dark outside, so I thought that it would be a good time to head back home.
When I arrived home, nobody said a word to me. Was I really even alive? I didn’t eat, I just went straight to sleep. I opened my eyes to see something. Was it really her? I couldn’t believe it. Is she really back? She ran to me and opened her arms, as she got closer I started to see her face more vividly. It really was her. I felt a tear running down my face. I used to dream for this moment every day, to have her in my arms again and it finally came true. This all felt so.. beautiful. It felt so surreal to have her again, I didn't even want to question it, how she came back or anything. I was just so euphoric about the current situation my mind went blank, she was my only thought. Her silky and wavy black hair flowing lusciously as she ran towards me, her sweet aroma which smelt like vanilla and cotton candy, her delicate touch on my back as she ran into my arms all overflowed all my senses, it made me go numb. I didn’t know what to do. I never really thought about this. I didn’t expect her to really come back. She looked up at me and noticed the tears running down my face “Are you okay?” she asked me in such a tone that made me melt like an icecream. I missed her voice so much, she sounded like an angel straight from heaven. I couldn’t get the words to come out of my mouth. It took everything I had to just give a simple response like “of course”. My lungs so much, like they were drowning from my tears. We hugged each other for what felt like forever, in reality it was about 15 seconds. I never wanted her to let go of me, her tight embrace made me feel so alive. It made me feel so warm to see her again. I was so overwhelmed with what was going on that I just blacked out, I didn’t want it to happen but it did. I didn’t want her to leave again. It made me really start to question if I loved her. But I’ve never felt love? Why would it happen now? It was such a complex emotion that I never truly understood yet I craved and desired it so desperately. I yearned to feel love. I wanted to feel normal, I wanted to be accepted by everyone else. When I woke up again, she was still there next to me. My back was against the tree, hearing the birds chirping in the distance was so refreshing, I started to hear rustling behind us, I turned around and saw a squirrel under the overgrown shrubs. I saw Jaimee reach for something, she pulled out a bag of nuts from her bag and motioned for the squirrel to come to her and take the nuts. It did, I was surprised. She looked so ineffable from my eyes, I wondered if she thought the same. Was it really love that I felt? I nudged the thought aside. Her hands looked so delicate as she fed the squirrel. The sun rising was so beautiful, it made me appreciate what I had now. I looked past the humongous trees and saw the bigger picture. The sun's rays were shining over the entirety of the park, making it stand out more than anything. I came back to my senses. I saw her looking at me, was there something wrong? Her beautiful, brown eyes which looked like brown sapphire gemstones. Her soft and glowing red lips radiated with the sunlight which shined upon them. Her glasses reflected the sun’s rays on the grass. She stood out like a diamond in a cave of coal. She moved her hand closer to mine and grabbed it. My heart started to beat faster and faster with each beat, I asked myself “is this love?”. She made me understand what love felt like. “I love you Jaimee.” I blurted out, I covered my mouth in embarrassment. “Why did I say that?” I thought to myself, I didn’t even think about saying that. Her mouth opened, “I love you too”, her grip on my hands tightened and she had a red blush on her face. I started to feel dizzy. Was this really real? I passed out again.
I woke up on my bed. The sun was rising and I heard the birds chirping. I got out of bed faster than ever in an act of desperation. What happened? Was that all a dream? I got dressed into the outfit I wore when we first hung out together. I ran to the park as fast as I could, I didn’t look back once. I arrived, I was out of breath. I ran to the tree and collapsed. I put on my headphones and turned on my phone to select her favourite song. The trees were waving their branches at me like they were my family, the birds were singing me a beautiful melody. The sun was shining on me to warm me up like a blanket. The whole world was working in unison. I saw a notification on my phone. It was a news app? I never had one though. It was strange. Curiosity killed the cat, I was curious so I opened it and it was about me. I was on the news. I started to read it more and I understood. I broke down, I felt tears running down my face. The article showed a video, the tears were running down my phone. It was a recording from across the park. A video of me killing Jaimee. She was the cat, I was curiosity. I heard police sirens in the back. I went back to my homepage and put on her favourite song. The sirens got louder. My arms and legs went numb. I started to get overwhelmed. The birds got louder, the trees waved at me even harsher, the sun started to burn. I was going insane. I saw her again. She ran towards me, as she got closer it was a police officer. I was put in handcuffs. I didn’t do anything wrong though. I did what had to be done, she was my only person. She shouldn’t have talked to that other guy. I hated him. I resisted. More police officers came. They pulled something out from their pockets. It was long, slim and black. I heard the gunshot. My life flashed before my eyes. All of our memories together came back to me. It was so beautiful. It was peaceful.

First of all, massive congrats! This is quite well-written and you should definitely be proud of yourself.
Moving onto the feedback - I'm going to be critical but don't take it to heart as you have something really good going on here and you just need a little push to access those top marks and highest bands.
I really like the cyclical structure you have with the first and last sentence being the same. The main issue with the piece is it doesn't flow as well as it could - try to use a variety of sentence lengths instead of heavily using short, simple sentences as they make the paragraphs seem kind of choppy. I'd also recommend using fronted adverbials and changing up your sentence structures a bit, instead of starting each sentence with 'I', 'she', 'the' etc. Try to get some more impressive vocabulary in your work as well - for example, instead of 'she had a red blush on her face', you could say 'a red glow crept up her face', or some really impressive words (I'm sure you can find a list online). You repeated the word honestly/honesty in the second paragraph (not a big deal but it does affect the flow), and in a couple of instances used a comma where really you should've used a dash/semicolon/colon - remember, commas do not separate two independent clauses (clauses that make sense on their own).