can you mark my gcse writing out of 40 please

Planning :
loud music seems to levitate people’s inner-self and mind.
People releasing their inner childish behaviour.
Drunk people not acting in as manarable way.
Intro : Entering a obscence overcrowded party
Sinister stats 57%
Vocab : primitive , paradoxal – doensn’t seem right.
Bewildered.
Fathom.
As I looked around the bewildered party with people lashing their primitive self out. It seemed paradoxal that humans could fathom their energy on this bewildering fun that affects them in the long term process.
As I perceived around the room , there were people laying around the vast crowded room with no idea of what was going on.
Their brain could not fathom the way they should be and they acted in a mamorable way that society disregards and emphasises them as people out of their mind.
Music was louder than our receptive system could initate , however music seemed to lavilate people’s soul out of their inner-self and their mind and take them into a zone of hypnosis that elevated them out of this world. Moreover, music is a sound that released people’s inner childish behaviour as they were dancing beyond their capability.

Planning :
loud music seems to levitate people’s inner-self and mind.
People releasing their inner childish behaviour.
Drunk people not acting in as manarable way.
Intro : Entering a obscence overcrowded party
Sinister stats 57%
Vocab : primitive , paradoxal – doensn’t seem right.
Bewildered.
Fathom.
As I looked around the bewildered party with people lashing their primitive self out. It seemed paradoxal that humans could fathom their energy on this bewildering fun that affects them in the long term process.
As I perceived around the room , there were people laying around the vast crowded room with no idea of what was going on.
Their brain could not fathom the way they should be and they acted in a mamorable way that society disregards and emphasises them as people out of their mind.
Music was louder than our receptive system could initate , however music seemed to lavilate people’s soul out of their inner-self and their mind and take them into a zone of hypnosis that elevated them out of this world. Moreover, music is a sound that released people’s inner childish behaviour as they were dancing beyond their capability.

I would mark you a 30/40

Based on your creativity and vocabulary, I would say you're around a Level 4 to 5 for GCSE writing, so roughly a 24-30/40. The key improvements would be refining sentence structure, clarifying your ideas, and being more precise with word choices and grammar.

Planning :
loud music seems to levitate people’s inner-self and mind.
People releasing their inner childish behaviour.
Drunk people not acting in as manarable way.
Intro : Entering a obscence overcrowded party
Sinister stats 57%
Vocab : primitive , paradoxal – doensn’t seem right.
Bewildered.
Fathom.
As I looked around the bewildered party with people lashing their primitive self out. It seemed paradoxal that humans could fathom their energy on this bewildering fun that affects them in the long term process.
As I perceived around the room , there were people laying around the vast crowded room with no idea of what was going on.
Their brain could not fathom the way they should be and they acted in a mamorable way that society disregards and emphasises them as people out of their mind.
Music was louder than our receptive system could initate , however music seemed to lavilate people’s soul out of their inner-self and their mind and take them into a zone of hypnosis that elevated them out of this world. Moreover, music is a sound that released people’s inner childish behaviour as they were dancing beyond their capability.

I think 20/40 and I could be generous, but I'm not being unfair I don't think. Here's my feedback:
-Manarable isn't a word, do you mean in a shambolic way or a mindless and uninhibited way?
-I'm not sure what "lashing their primitive self out" means exactly. I'm guessing they're behaving in a wild and disorderly way.
-You mean paradoxical instead of paradoxal I'm guessing?
-You described "the room" twice in one sentence. Try to use different words or explain what's going on.
-I know what you're trying to say with "their brain could not fathom the way they should be" but try to describe what they're doing, build a scene so that the reader can imagine the place. For example "The men were at once drowsy, but also in a state of jolly vigor, as though they'd downed vodka laced with dishwater and Listerine, with little knowledge of the cocktail they'd just consumed."
-By "receptive system" you mean sound system and "levilate" you mean levitate, yes?
Generally you have a good eye for setting and a general ambiance, but more detailed descriptions would help the scene come alive. Spelling and grammar need improvement too.