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HELP! Can someone mark my short story and give a score of 40 and what I can do to imp

Write a story about a time when things turned out unexpectedly



The bitter wind whipped Olivia's face as she ventured through Hyde Park. The sky began to darken, and tears dropped from the sky. Large droplets splashed all around Olivia. Olivia grumbled as she pulled up her black Nike hoodie as she hugged her body, desperate to savor whatever heat she could.



The winter nights came faster than Olivia could imagine as she longed for summer again. Fantasizing about the days where she could stay out till past 11 o'clock with her close circle of friends and eat ice cream with her parents on the weekends till their stomachs ached. When her father was at home, his booming laugh echoed around the halls of their home until he was called away on a business trip across the country.



Without any warning, the rain began to release buckets of rain upon the poor girl. Olivia's day had been roller-coaster. First, her parents forgot about her sweet 16, so Olivia decided to spend the day in her own company. The tall brunette girl began her day at her favorite coffee shop. It was hidden in plain sight and tucked into a little corner. The shop was cosy, like a blanket was thrown around you as soon as you stepped foot into the establishment. The heavenly aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled Olivia's mind when she entered the coffee shop. She ordered her favorite drink and sat in a tight corner for 2 hours, working on past and new assignments required from her to finish high school. After she had drained her 3rd coffee cup, she packed up her belongings and visited Hyde Park, her haven. The weather was pleasant; the sun was shining, and the birds sang their melodies. Settling herself, in front of an ancient oak tree, she pulled out her tattered copy of A Good Girl’s Guide To Murder. As soon as Olivia opened the book, she was transported to Litton Kilton, desperate to find the person who framed Sal Singh and had brutally murdered Andie Bell. It was a nail-biting story as Olivia raced to uncover the truth and bring justice to Sal’s tainted name. After a while, the clouds began to darken as the chase to Andie Bell’s killer became closer and soon clumps of fluff blocked the light that managed to sneak through the cracks. Olivia pulled her lilac phone from her hoodie and glanced at the screen. The picture of Taylor Swift, an artist who pulled Olivia from her inner turmoil, filled the screen as the time 4:13 flashed before her eyes. Gathering her belongings, she stuffed them into her battered and tearing side bag. As she left the park, the clouds began to belt out their pain as Olivia walked home, brewing in her own misery.



The thought of her parents forgetting a special occasion burned Olivia’s heart more than it should have. It burnt like Hell. Olivia wished her parents would for once remember their daughter, but she knew they would only remember her if she were a bottle of liquid that would allow her parents to escape from reality temporarily. The rain began to drown out her thoughts as she tuned to the rhythm of the rain as she began to fiddle with the loose pieces of thread on her jumper arm. PING! The sound was emitted from Olivia’s hoodie pocket which she had a protective hold on. Furrowing her eyebrows, Olivia pulled out her phone and analyzed the message that was shown on the screen. A text from her father. A simple message was displayed, “Come home. I have a surprise waiting for you.” Olivia did not know what was brighter, her phone screen or her smile. Her heart began to race, as the blood rushed to her cheeks. Her parents did not forget her birthday. Millions of possibilities of what the surprise was raced through her head. It could be a German Shepard or a brand-new guitar that got ruined during one of her parent’s nasty fights.



As the thoughts flooded her mind, Olivia picked up her speed and began to sprint through the busy street of London. Narrowly missing a collision with an innocent bystander, Olivia yelled words of “Excuse me” and “My bad” as she raced home. Within minutes, Olivia saw the familiar red brick house. Without slowing her pace, Olivia stormed into her home, her eyes bright and a contagious grin on her face. Olivia excitedly blurted, “I knew you didn’t forget my birthday. I’m so glad.” Olivia did not receive an answer, so she entered the living room, wondering where her parents were. As soon as she entered the room, a chill was sent down her back as Olivia was suffocated by a thick blanket of uneasiness. Walking through the living room as no one was there, she entered the kitchen. Upon her arrival, her father smiled at her, asking her if she was excited for a gift. Olivia nodded euthuistically as her father called for his love to come. When the unfamiliar woman entered the kitchen, Olivia dropped her smile and confusion was etched on her face, her eyes narrowed, and her eyebrows furrowed as a small frown was present on her face, even more so when two children appeared at the side of her father. The similarity was indescribable. They all had the same chocolate brown eyes that Olivia had. The same contagious smile. The same nose. “Liv, this is the woman I love. Emma met Olivia, my daughter.” said Olivia’s father unbothered by the bomb her dropped on his unsuspecting daughter. Olivia couldn’t fathom the thought of her father with anyone else other than her mum, but the children easily looked at least 5 and maybe 8. Disbelief ran throughout Olivia’s body. Flashes of her parent’s fights, the nights where her mother would be knocked out on the couch, all her father’s “business trips.” The realization sunk into Olivia’s body as she now realized her mother had abandoned her for her father’s misdemors. The strange woman would be Olivia’s new mother. Her father expected them to be a family.

“No.” mumbled Olivia as she took a step back. “No” she repeated. Her father tried to comfort her but that made things worse.



Olivia glanced at the strangers who stood in her kitchen before running through her house and onto the streets. The city that she once loved became blurred as Olivia heart ached and her eyes burned. Eventually, Olivia had reached a place of tranquility, a park that contained a vibrant color. Splashes of red, orange, purple, green and pink caught Olivia’s face as she tried to control her breathing. Thousands of questions raced through her head, desperate for answers. Her life, which wasn’t always perfect, had now been turned upside down as she realized Hell was now on Earth. Why would her father break her family? Where did he go during his business trip? Where is her mother? Will her mother ever come back? Will Olivia ever go back? Soon, exhaustion set into her body as the adrenaline wore off and the thoughts began to disappear. Olivia felt herself losing control over her body before everything went black.......
Reply 1
Original post by Livie_Swiftie_13
Write a story about a time when things turned out unexpectedly
The bitter wind whipped Olivia's face as she ventured through Hyde Park. The sky began to darken, and tears dropped from the sky. Large droplets splashed all around Olivia. Olivia grumbled as she pulled up her black Nike hoodie as she hugged her body, desperate to savor whatever heat she could.
The winter nights came faster than Olivia could imagine as she longed for summer again. Fantasizing about the days where she could stay out till past 11 o'clock with her close circle of friends and eat ice cream with her parents on the weekends till their stomachs ached. When her father was at home, his booming laugh echoed around the halls of their home until he was called away on a business trip across the country.
Without any warning, the rain began to release buckets of rain upon the poor girl. Olivia's day had been roller-coaster. First, her parents forgot about her sweet 16, so Olivia decided to spend the day in her own company. The tall brunette girl began her day at her favorite coffee shop. It was hidden in plain sight and tucked into a little corner. The shop was cosy, like a blanket was thrown around you as soon as you stepped foot into the establishment. The heavenly aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled Olivia's mind when she entered the coffee shop. She ordered her favorite drink and sat in a tight corner for 2 hours, working on past and new assignments required from her to finish high school. After she had drained her 3rd coffee cup, she packed up her belongings and visited Hyde Park, her haven. The weather was pleasant; the sun was shining, and the birds sang their melodies. Settling herself, in front of an ancient oak tree, she pulled out her tattered copy of A Good Girl’s Guide To Murder. As soon as Olivia opened the book, she was transported to Litton Kilton, desperate to find the person who framed Sal Singh and had brutally murdered Andie Bell. It was a nail-biting story as Olivia raced to uncover the truth and bring justice to Sal’s tainted name. After a while, the clouds began to darken as the chase to Andie Bell’s killer became closer and soon clumps of fluff blocked the light that managed to sneak through the cracks. Olivia pulled her lilac phone from her hoodie and glanced at the screen. The picture of Taylor Swift, an artist who pulled Olivia from her inner turmoil, filled the screen as the time 4:13 flashed before her eyes. Gathering her belongings, she stuffed them into her battered and tearing side bag. As she left the park, the clouds began to belt out their pain as Olivia walked home, brewing in her own misery.
The thought of her parents forgetting a special occasion burned Olivia’s heart more than it should have. It burnt like Hell. Olivia wished her parents would for once remember their daughter, but she knew they would only remember her if she were a bottle of liquid that would allow her parents to escape from reality temporarily. The rain began to drown out her thoughts as she tuned to the rhythm of the rain as she began to fiddle with the loose pieces of thread on her jumper arm. PING! The sound was emitted from Olivia’s hoodie pocket which she had a protective hold on. Furrowing her eyebrows, Olivia pulled out her phone and analyzed the message that was shown on the screen. A text from her father. A simple message was displayed, “Come home. I have a surprise waiting for you.” Olivia did not know what was brighter, her phone screen or her smile. Her heart began to race, as the blood rushed to her cheeks. Her parents did not forget her birthday. Millions of possibilities of what the surprise was raced through her head. It could be a German Shepard or a brand-new guitar that got ruined during one of her parent’s nasty fights.
As the thoughts flooded her mind, Olivia picked up her speed and began to sprint through the busy street of London. Narrowly missing a collision with an innocent bystander, Olivia yelled words of “Excuse me” and “My bad” as she raced home. Within minutes, Olivia saw the familiar red brick house. Without slowing her pace, Olivia stormed into her home, her eyes bright and a contagious grin on her face. Olivia excitedly blurted, “I knew you didn’t forget my birthday. I’m so glad.” Olivia did not receive an answer, so she entered the living room, wondering where her parents were. As soon as she entered the room, a chill was sent down her back as Olivia was suffocated by a thick blanket of uneasiness. Walking through the living room as no one was there, she entered the kitchen. Upon her arrival, her father smiled at her, asking her if she was excited for a gift. Olivia nodded euthuistically as her father called for his love to come. When the unfamiliar woman entered the kitchen, Olivia dropped her smile and confusion was etched on her face, her eyes narrowed, and her eyebrows furrowed as a small frown was present on her face, even more so when two children appeared at the side of her father. The similarity was indescribable. They all had the same chocolate brown eyes that Olivia had. The same contagious smile. The same nose. “Liv, this is the woman I love. Emma met Olivia, my daughter.” said Olivia’s father unbothered by the bomb her dropped on his unsuspecting daughter. Olivia couldn’t fathom the thought of her father with anyone else other than her mum, but the children easily looked at least 5 and maybe 8. Disbelief ran throughout Olivia’s body. Flashes of her parent’s fights, the nights where her mother would be knocked out on the couch, all her father’s “business trips.” The realization sunk into Olivia’s body as she now realized her mother had abandoned her for her father’s misdemors. The strange woman would be Olivia’s new mother. Her father expected them to be a family.
“No.” mumbled Olivia as she took a step back. “No” she repeated. Her father tried to comfort her but that made things worse.
Olivia glanced at the strangers who stood in her kitchen before running through her house and onto the streets. The city that she once loved became blurred as Olivia heart ached and her eyes burned. Eventually, Olivia had reached a place of tranquility, a park that contained a vibrant color. Splashes of red, orange, purple, green and pink caught Olivia’s face as she tried to control her breathing. Thousands of questions raced through her head, desperate for answers. Her life, which wasn’t always perfect, had now been turned upside down as she realized Hell was now on Earth. Why would her father break her family? Where did he go during his business trip? Where is her mother? Will her mother ever come back? Will Olivia ever go back? Soon, exhaustion set into her body as the adrenaline wore off and the thoughts began to disappear. Olivia felt herself losing control over her body before everything went black.......

This story has some powerful, dramatic elements and great potential to engage the reader. Here are a few areas to strengthen for an even higher impact:

1. Pacing: The story flows well, but consider breaking up the paragraphs to create more "breathing room" for the emotions. This can help the reader connect more deeply with Olivia’s experiences and create suspense.


2. Clarity: Certain sentences could be simplified for easier readability. For example, “The realization sunk into Olivia’s body as she now realized her mother had abandoned her for her father’s misdemeanors” might be clearer if rephrased to, “The realization struck Olivia: her mother had left because of her father’s hidden life.”


3. Emotional Depth: You’ve done a good job of conveying Olivia's emotions, but you might add a bit more internal dialogue. Show her conflicting feelings and the shock as she processes her father’s betrayal.


4. Ending: The ending is dramatic, but it could be made even more compelling by providing a brief glimpse of Olivia's next step, hinting at her determination or despair.



Overall, this story shows great creativity! If I were scoring out of 40, I'd give it around 30-32 with room to strengthen the pacing and clarity for even greater impact. Keep up the great work!
Very good
❤️
Original post by Hellenb451
This story has some powerful, dramatic elements and great potential to engage the reader. Here are a few areas to strengthen for an even higher impact:
1. Pacing: The story flows well, but consider breaking up the paragraphs to create more "breathing room" for the emotions. This can help the reader connect more deeply with Olivia’s experiences and create suspense.
2. Clarity: Certain sentences could be simplified for easier readability. For example, “The realization sunk into Olivia’s body as she now realized her mother had abandoned her for her father’s misdemeanors” might be clearer if rephrased to, “The realization struck Olivia: her mother had left because of her father’s hidden life.”
3. Emotional Depth: You’ve done a good job of conveying Olivia's emotions, but you might add a bit more internal dialogue. Show her conflicting feelings and the shock as she processes her father’s betrayal.
4. Ending: The ending is dramatic, but it could be made even more compelling by providing a brief glimpse of Olivia's next step, hinting at her determination or despair.
Overall, this story shows great creativity! If I were scoring out of 40, I'd give it around 30-32 with room to strengthen the pacing and clarity for even greater impact. Keep up the great work!

Thanks so much... I really appreciate the feedback...could you please give me some tips on how to write in the inner conflict...Thank you so much :smile:
Original post by LeahtheSkibidi
Very good

Thank you
Original post by LeahtheSkibidi
❤️

Thank you

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