please help me :') ASAP!
this will be long, but i am in dire need of help as this has been genuinely messing up my ability to continue on with my studies.
my (now-ex) boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years. we have been on and off for more times than i can remember. let me start from the beginning, because i feel that it is important to get the whole context before making a decision. i will write it in bullet points to make it easy to follow.
here are our fights listed:
1. i was triggered on past trauma and went to him for comfort. it dealt with people who are not involved in my life anymore. by his justification, he was trying to help me by threatening one of the people to a fight. i texted that person individually and apologized for him doing this. he was angry that i didn't stick up for him when that person called him/his behavior stupid.
2. he got angry with me for continuing to invite him to my friend's birthday party and said that i wasn't respecting his no. my justification was that the first time they all met each other, it didn't go well, so i really wanted that party to be a chance to make up for it.
3. i got into a minor car crash (but my first one) in a parking lot and was sobbing crying because a baby was in the car (no one got hurt). he and his family member came to help, and they asked me a bunch of questions. i said i got the other person's information when i didnt and immediately told him afterwards on the drive back home that i lied. he was extremely disgusted with me.
he broke up with me after all 3 of those fights. during the third breakup, he met a girl. he kept in contact with me and made comments about how she's hot, has a better body, and is just like him, which made his attraction even larger (i am very opposite from him). long story short, we got back together, but the fights that had happened afterwards, he would always mention her name, and say things like "i left her for you?!" or just simply compare me to her.
after he compared me to her when we stayed broken up, i went on a date with a guy and kissed a guy friend. i didn't tell him about kissing my guy friend when we got back together. and when i told him, things got worse.
throughout fights, he would insult me (using my insecurities against me, threatening my family, saying super mean things about my friends that i really care about) and raise his voice at me. he would also break up with me and have sex with random girls literally hours or days after, and would come back to me after.
we gotten into a big fight once after i texted an old boss about my appreciation for the experiences i gained from that job. my old boss texted back with a heart eyes emoji and a paragraph about appreciation with the work i did. i deleted the texts because the conversation was over with, and cause i was afraid of what his reaction would be. in fact, every time i lied or kept something from him, i was afraid of being insulted and yelled at. it was to the point where i was afraid he would hit me. he found the texts in my deleted conversations and yelled at me in the parking lot and slammed my car door super hard, and walked away. i sat crying in my car and a random lady came to talk to me to comfort me and asked if i hid it from him because i was scared of him, and i said yes.
i was living with him at the time. i went back to his house and all of my things were thrown or broken.
every gift i gave him after we would break up (in general), he would break in front of me or throw it away in front of me.
he cheated on me this last summer. i told him that if he were to break up with me again, that i'd be done. he broke up with me. i got back with him. we had another fight last month. it started when we barely talked for like a week. i tried to get him to talk but he would refuse. then we eventually settled it. then about a week later he had a bad day at work, and i was sad over liam payne's death. when i talked about it with him, he left me on read. we settled that (he basically said he didn't want to hear about me crying over another guy and that if he cries about another girl, i better not complain). we then fought about going to a haunted house (he suggested to go). i told him it was expensive and was wondering if he still wanted to go. he caught an attitude and said that i always spend his money. we got into this big fight and he broke up with me. after that, i blocked him on everything.
he contacted me through his family. he tried to commit su***de when i wouldn't talk or see him. he gave me flowers 3 times. and now we are in contact. he has been telling me that he will change and that things will be different. but, i dont know what to do. i am at a cross road. one thing id like to mention is that during the period of barely talking to each other, a guy i dont know followed me and i blocked him (as this was the way i could prove that i wasn't being unfaithful to him) but haven't told him about this happening (side question: is this a lie/hiding things from him?).
there is so much pressure to either stay or go, and i just genuinely don't know what to do. please, help me. i have not been able to do my studies or even sleep well.
EDIT: throughout our relationship, he had intimacy or talked to/flirted with more than 5 girls. in the beginning, he was also doing unfaithful things (like flirting with a girl in class and playing tic tac toe with her. he followed the girl on instagram afterward). he would also get mad at me for things that were out of my control (such as a patient complementing me)
my (now-ex) boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years. we have been on and off for more times than i can remember. let me start from the beginning, because i feel that it is important to get the whole context before making a decision. i will write it in bullet points to make it easy to follow.
here are our fights listed:
1. i was triggered on past trauma and went to him for comfort. it dealt with people who are not involved in my life anymore. by his justification, he was trying to help me by threatening one of the people to a fight. i texted that person individually and apologized for him doing this. he was angry that i didn't stick up for him when that person called him/his behavior stupid.
2. he got angry with me for continuing to invite him to my friend's birthday party and said that i wasn't respecting his no. my justification was that the first time they all met each other, it didn't go well, so i really wanted that party to be a chance to make up for it.
3. i got into a minor car crash (but my first one) in a parking lot and was sobbing crying because a baby was in the car (no one got hurt). he and his family member came to help, and they asked me a bunch of questions. i said i got the other person's information when i didnt and immediately told him afterwards on the drive back home that i lied. he was extremely disgusted with me.
he broke up with me after all 3 of those fights. during the third breakup, he met a girl. he kept in contact with me and made comments about how she's hot, has a better body, and is just like him, which made his attraction even larger (i am very opposite from him). long story short, we got back together, but the fights that had happened afterwards, he would always mention her name, and say things like "i left her for you?!" or just simply compare me to her.
after he compared me to her when we stayed broken up, i went on a date with a guy and kissed a guy friend. i didn't tell him about kissing my guy friend when we got back together. and when i told him, things got worse.
throughout fights, he would insult me (using my insecurities against me, threatening my family, saying super mean things about my friends that i really care about) and raise his voice at me. he would also break up with me and have sex with random girls literally hours or days after, and would come back to me after.
we gotten into a big fight once after i texted an old boss about my appreciation for the experiences i gained from that job. my old boss texted back with a heart eyes emoji and a paragraph about appreciation with the work i did. i deleted the texts because the conversation was over with, and cause i was afraid of what his reaction would be. in fact, every time i lied or kept something from him, i was afraid of being insulted and yelled at. it was to the point where i was afraid he would hit me. he found the texts in my deleted conversations and yelled at me in the parking lot and slammed my car door super hard, and walked away. i sat crying in my car and a random lady came to talk to me to comfort me and asked if i hid it from him because i was scared of him, and i said yes.
i was living with him at the time. i went back to his house and all of my things were thrown or broken.
every gift i gave him after we would break up (in general), he would break in front of me or throw it away in front of me.
he cheated on me this last summer. i told him that if he were to break up with me again, that i'd be done. he broke up with me. i got back with him. we had another fight last month. it started when we barely talked for like a week. i tried to get him to talk but he would refuse. then we eventually settled it. then about a week later he had a bad day at work, and i was sad over liam payne's death. when i talked about it with him, he left me on read. we settled that (he basically said he didn't want to hear about me crying over another guy and that if he cries about another girl, i better not complain). we then fought about going to a haunted house (he suggested to go). i told him it was expensive and was wondering if he still wanted to go. he caught an attitude and said that i always spend his money. we got into this big fight and he broke up with me. after that, i blocked him on everything.
he contacted me through his family. he tried to commit su***de when i wouldn't talk or see him. he gave me flowers 3 times. and now we are in contact. he has been telling me that he will change and that things will be different. but, i dont know what to do. i am at a cross road. one thing id like to mention is that during the period of barely talking to each other, a guy i dont know followed me and i blocked him (as this was the way i could prove that i wasn't being unfaithful to him) but haven't told him about this happening (side question: is this a lie/hiding things from him?).
there is so much pressure to either stay or go, and i just genuinely don't know what to do. please, help me. i have not been able to do my studies or even sleep well.
EDIT: throughout our relationship, he had intimacy or talked to/flirted with more than 5 girls. in the beginning, he was also doing unfaithful things (like flirting with a girl in class and playing tic tac toe with her. he followed the girl on instagram afterward). he would also get mad at me for things that were out of my control (such as a patient complementing me)
(edited 1 month ago)
Do you really need someone to tell you what to do about a lying, cheating, angry, violent, manipulative abuser?
Get him out of your life ASAP. Block him everywhere. Warn family and friends if he is likely to turn up looking for you and call the police if he does. And get counselling if you struggle with the aftermath of coming out of a toxic relationship.
Get him out of your life ASAP. Block him everywhere. Warn family and friends if he is likely to turn up looking for you and call the police if he does. And get counselling if you struggle with the aftermath of coming out of a toxic relationship.
Long post, short answer: leave.
Original post by Surnia
Do you really need someone to tell you what to do about a lying, cheating, angry, violent, manipulative abuser?
Get him out of your life ASAP. Block him everywhere. Warn family and friends if he is likely to turn up looking for you and call the police if he does. And get counselling if you struggle with the aftermath of coming out of a toxic relationship.
Get him out of your life ASAP. Block him everywhere. Warn family and friends if he is likely to turn up looking for you and call the police if he does. And get counselling if you struggle with the aftermath of coming out of a toxic relationship.
my thing is, did i cause this behavior from him? because i lied in the beginning? thank you for your words
Original post by yams32
my thing is, did i cause this behavior from him? because i lied in the beginning? thank you for your words
Absolutely not. Think about why you lied to him; you've said you were doing it to protect yourself knowing what his reaction would be and when communication has broken down that much on both sides there's nothing worth salvaging.
Original post by Surnia
Absolutely not. Think about why you lied to him; you've said you were doing it to protect yourself knowing what his reaction would be and when communication has broken down that much on both sides there's nothing worth salvaging.
thank you. i guess its just hard because i still love him, and he’s been telling me he’ll change and i dont believe it but a part of me wants it to become true. my gut has been telling me to leave even though we are still in contact. i just needed people who are unbiased & dont know me to tell me these things. i truly appreciate it
Original post by yams32
thank you. i guess its just hard because i still love him, and he’s been telling me he’ll change and i dont believe it but a part of me wants it to become true. my gut has been telling me to leave even though we are still in contact. i just needed people who are unbiased & dont know me to tell me these things. i truly appreciate it
If it was one of those friends that you really care about telling you this was how her boyfriend treated her, would you tell her to stay with him or break up?
If he'd wanted to change he would have done it during the relationship. He's just saying what you want to hear because you've stuck with him through him treating you like **** and he wants you to still be available for him to use and abuse.
You've mentioned a boss who appreciates you, a patient who liked you, so you are bright, hard-working and responsible; you deserve better than him. As soon as you've read this post, delete him off everything and start living your life.
He clearly is NOT a well person and as others have said, do NOT blame yourself. Try and break it off as gently and slowwly slowly as you can without hurting yourself or him.
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