How many marks out of 40 would this achieve?

38/40

how sure are you of this please? I wrote it for my mocks and I’m really hoping i get at least 30 marks for it

What do you mean

How sure are you that it’ll get 38/40?

This is the article below, I want to know how many marks it would achieve in an English language paper 2, question 5 exam response.
Be selfless, not selfish
Help the society to improve and make the world a better place
In today’s world, money is what everyone is obsessed with. This belief should change and we should choose jobs that will contribute towards the society than own gain. How would you feel like if you didn’t get the best education as possible? How would you feel if you didn’t get an outstanding healthcare?
The world will improve significantly and choosing a career which contributes to society is the best the best option for us. A recent survey conducted by the Oxford university shows that 82% of the teachers are satisfied with their job by contributing to the society. Now, you may think that this number is low but however, the BBC has reported that only 41% of the people with jobs that achieve a status and earn lots of money are happy with their job. As a teacher who has 2 teenagers, I think that it is more important to choose a job in which contributes to the society rather than own gain. As a teacher, I’m glad to show up to my job everyday and teach the students new content. It is really essential to me that the students get the best grades as possible which keeps me extremely joyful. Everyday when I return home, I have at least 2 positive experiences that I can share with my family. Choosing a career which helps the society will not just help the society but also you. In a recent interview, the head of the England’s education department, Chris Howard has suggested that, “young people should choose a career that contributes to the society” followed up by “it is essential that everyone is in their best mental and physical state and you are guaranteed to be happy everyday if you choose careers that contribute to the society”, furthermore ending it with “we will make sure to help every young person to choose and find a career which suits them the best.”
Furthermore, this also improves our country and we are in it together. The crime rates have increased by a shocking number of 22% since 2022 and choosing a career which contributes to the society will stop that. As a teacher myself and a parent of two teenagers, I would absolutely love my children to choose a career which contributes to the society. Humanity is the most important thing in the world and everyone should be selfless. A recent survey conducted by the yougov shows that after making enough money to have a stable life, the average excess money is usually not spent and it is wasted. This shows how important it is to be selfless and help the society to become a better place as a collective. We are all in this together! How would you feel if we had the perfect society? How would you feel if you felt safe everywhere you went? How would you feel if we prevent climate change and save the lives of hundreds of millions if not billions of creatures?
Lastly, we are all humans and in order to survive, we need to get along and solve these upcoming issues before they get any bigger than they are. The head of South Yorkshire police, Michael Benn has stated that ‘there is a lack of policemen in our country, and we should do something to fix this, to keep everyone safe and protected.’ This shows how the head of the police forces are recruiting and it is an opportunity to join and contribute to our society. Time goes on, our lives get on, and it is essential to help the society and become a selfless human; helping thousands of people throughout your career is a great honour. A recent statistic from the BBC states that 88% of the public service workers are extremely happy after retirement, which is significantly higher compared to the 52% of the high income and status workers that have retired. It is more important to be focused on helping the society rather than thinking of your own gain and money. A recent survey conducted by the university of Sheffield has discovered that approximately 6 in 10 people with high income jobs suffer from extreme conditions such as mental problems and depression.
To conclude, I want you to think, is it better if you choose humanity over selfishness? Every young person should research about jobs that provide to the society and stay selfless rather than selfishness. I want to leave you with one final question, is it really worth not contributing to the society?

Did you just make this up with cheap AI?
Everything about it seems off, the numbers and quotations have no attribution and don't make sense, and the people name dropped don't appear to exist - or at least they don't do what you claim they do.

In terms of the writing itself, there are a number of grammatical errors that consistently crop up - you seem to struggle a lot with the use of the definite article "the" here, with incorrect usages with proper nouns ("the YouGov" ), as well as for both possessive constructions ("the Oxford University's" which is incorrect, rather than the correct "the University of Oxford" OR "Oxford University's" without the definite article "the") and when referring to general rather than specific cases (repeatedly using "the society" which should just be "society" as you're referring here to society in general rather than a specific society). You also seem to have some trouble with capitalisation of proper noun (phrases) (e.g. "Oxford university" which is incorrect, as the correct form would be "Oxford University", or "university of Sheffield" incorrectly instead of the correct "University of Sheffield").
There are also some odd or incorrect phrasings used, such as "suggested" before a direct quote, using "get" instead of "receive" in some situations, missing words out (e.g. just writing "than" instead of "rather than" in some places). Also there are some stylistic issues such as writing the number rather than the word for the number when not writing a percentage (e.g "2 teenagers" which in a prose text passage such as this should be written "two teenagers" - although "41%" is correct). In broader stylistic terms there are also some odd sentence constructions which while readable sound strange, and some unusual word choices, along with inconsistency in tone (a lot of contractions and questions directed at the reader which give a less formal tone, but then you also use oddly stiff/flowery language like "furthermore" elsewhere), and some repetitive aspects (such as the sentence about being a teacher with two teenage children, which is repeated almost exactly in two different places and it doesn't seem to be a clear rhetorical choice unlike the repeated questions at the end of certain paragraphs which more obviously are a rhetorical device and fine).
Separate to that in terms of content as above, some of the assertions aren't really backed up by evidence provided in your writing, and some of the evidence you use to draw very significant and actually unsupported conclusions. It's also generally a bit vague in a lot of places. It sounds like above some of the studies/individuals are made up which if this is not a purely creative exercise is an issue.
It might help to assess (in terms of the content) if we understood what the assignment was for (as if for a creative writing assignment where the emphasis is on how you have written and your grammar/spelling/language used, the specific content is less important. Whereas if it's because you're supposed to be analysing some political or philosophical position about selflessness and capitalism you really do need accurate and specific references and the style of writing should be very different - and would need proper referencing). So including this information would be helpful for better advice

We are meant to make up the facts statistic and people as a part of it it’s fine if they’re not real people

it’s for my year 11 English language GCSE aqa paper 2 question 5 persuasive writing article. Thank you alot for the feedback I really appreciate it and I will improve on it next time I have an exam or have to write a persuasive writing. Would you be able to give me a mark out of 40 for it? 24 is for content and 16 marks are for technical accuracy.

I'm not familiar with the marking scheme so couldn't give a specific mark. I think the grammatical issues are a potential barrier to higher grades in this answer though.
In terms of persuasive writing perhaps also consider writing the "against" side of what you're trying to persuade someone on and then directly write a counterargument to that. For example "I say X, however A says Y...but because of Z, Y is wrong". You not only give your argument X, but also give a supporting argument Z which immediately shoots down the argument Y against your original argument.

Okay thank you for the responses. However, my teacher said that you should only argue for one side and not include counter arguments in your articles. I will work on my grammar thank you.

Ah ok in that case follow your teacher's guidance Otherwise I think working on improving the grammar and phrasing would help a lot!