Help - enjoy life and stop comparing
So background, I am 15, a perfectionist, have ADHD so am trying out meds, though this issue has been around for a while, especially recently.
Basically, I don't feel like I can enjoy any of my hobbies or things I do because I am always comparing everything. For example, when I am writing songs for example, as soon as I stop I feel sad and useless because I have friends in bands and they can go further with this.
It worsens when there is a decision (I am extremely indecisive) around it - for example I recently chose to take on subject over another (spanish over drama) and a month later it is constantly on my mind; I wonder whether I made the right decisions, whether it is too late to change my mind etc. As a result, everything else in my life becomes anxious and unenjoyable as it is just a time passer before I have to revisit a decision. This leads to feeling like I'm in a loop of doing nothing, since as soon as an interesting event is over I go back to this regret. I compare myself not only to the fun others are having, but also to this perfect idea of me.
I want to go really far in life and feel like if i don't set myself apart through these kinds of things then I will just be any old ordinary. Then I feel really anxious that if I don't do this or that I am limiting my potential, and that if I did it I would be so thankful to myself. Even when I have major successes eg in maths competitions it doesn't feel important because what others are doing seems so much more interesting and I feel like I should be doing something MORE.
I don't know what to do. I constantly feel so miserable and anxious about this. I don't look forward unless I have a short term goal, distraction coming up. What do I do? I want to feel proud of myself, grateful, like I can remember everything I do and like I have excitements to look forward to. I don't know how to stop flip flopping on decisions as it feels like they are the end of the world and I am ruining my future.
Basically, I don't feel like I can enjoy any of my hobbies or things I do because I am always comparing everything. For example, when I am writing songs for example, as soon as I stop I feel sad and useless because I have friends in bands and they can go further with this.
It worsens when there is a decision (I am extremely indecisive) around it - for example I recently chose to take on subject over another (spanish over drama) and a month later it is constantly on my mind; I wonder whether I made the right decisions, whether it is too late to change my mind etc. As a result, everything else in my life becomes anxious and unenjoyable as it is just a time passer before I have to revisit a decision. This leads to feeling like I'm in a loop of doing nothing, since as soon as an interesting event is over I go back to this regret. I compare myself not only to the fun others are having, but also to this perfect idea of me.
I want to go really far in life and feel like if i don't set myself apart through these kinds of things then I will just be any old ordinary. Then I feel really anxious that if I don't do this or that I am limiting my potential, and that if I did it I would be so thankful to myself. Even when I have major successes eg in maths competitions it doesn't feel important because what others are doing seems so much more interesting and I feel like I should be doing something MORE.
I don't know what to do. I constantly feel so miserable and anxious about this. I don't look forward unless I have a short term goal, distraction coming up. What do I do? I want to feel proud of myself, grateful, like I can remember everything I do and like I have excitements to look forward to. I don't know how to stop flip flopping on decisions as it feels like they are the end of the world and I am ruining my future.
Reply 1
4
Hi lilim
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much at the moment. It sounds like your mind is a busy place to be right now, which in itself can leave you feeling exhausted with no energy left for anything else. Are you receiving any ongoing help or support for your ADHD at the moment? Or any help/support from mental health services/agencies at the moment? I know you mentioned you are recently trying new medication - do you feel these have had an effect on your thoughts and feelings recently, positively or negatively? How about your support network e.g. family, friends?
As a starting point, I hope you know that I'm proud of you for reaching out for support on TheStudentRoom! 🙂
And you should be extremely proud of yourself for this too. Asking for help and support is the first step, and sometimes the hardest, so well done. I'm just conscious of you receiving the right support and help from the correct people.
From personal experience, I found deleting my social media really helped. It's the devil for comparison to others and quite often leaves us feeling as though we're not enough if we're already struggling from lack of fulfillment, low self-esteem or mental health struggles.
I also found writing a post-it note daily of something I'm grateful for and proud of myself for helped. It forced me to consciously think of something and be kinder to myself. It may feel uncomfortable and difficult to begin with, but longer term it can really help.
Please feel free to message me privately if you have any questions and don't feel comfortable sharing something on here.
T x
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much at the moment. It sounds like your mind is a busy place to be right now, which in itself can leave you feeling exhausted with no energy left for anything else. Are you receiving any ongoing help or support for your ADHD at the moment? Or any help/support from mental health services/agencies at the moment? I know you mentioned you are recently trying new medication - do you feel these have had an effect on your thoughts and feelings recently, positively or negatively? How about your support network e.g. family, friends?
As a starting point, I hope you know that I'm proud of you for reaching out for support on TheStudentRoom! 🙂
And you should be extremely proud of yourself for this too. Asking for help and support is the first step, and sometimes the hardest, so well done. I'm just conscious of you receiving the right support and help from the correct people.
From personal experience, I found deleting my social media really helped. It's the devil for comparison to others and quite often leaves us feeling as though we're not enough if we're already struggling from lack of fulfillment, low self-esteem or mental health struggles.
I also found writing a post-it note daily of something I'm grateful for and proud of myself for helped. It forced me to consciously think of something and be kinder to myself. It may feel uncomfortable and difficult to begin with, but longer term it can really help.
Please feel free to message me privately if you have any questions and don't feel comfortable sharing something on here.
T x
Reply 2
lililm
OP
6
Hi T!
Thank you so much for replying and having such good ideas
At the moment I can talk to my mum, but she is often out and I don't have any other support networks.
The meds definitely change my thinking a little bit, but they dont really improve or worsen it - I am more anxious, but can think slightly more clearly and have more energy.
Maybe you're right about social media. I like to think that I only use it for ways to 'better' myself, but I think its evils are probably inevitable. Maybe giving it a break would give me a chance to appreciate the real world more?
I think the gratitude thing is a brilliant idea. I'm going to start that tonight. Maybe if I put it in a book I can look back on all those feelings and see how far I've come and how insignificant every little worry was.
The number 1 issue is i don't know how to stop obsessing over these small things like 1 subject choice that make me feel like they are the decider of my future, and I'm too scared to do anything about them anywyas so I just constantly dwell, regret and worry. I don't know how to get all my feelings in proportion though, its like there's a gut feeling telling me to rethink it and distrusting my past decisions. Do you know any way I could help this? I really feel like I can't get anything done.
Also I keep looking for a massive goal to aim for or else I feel lost. For example, i have 3.5 years before even start undergrad, yet I'm already trying to plan out my whole further education route and career. I just don't know how to stop caring and 'be a kid'. The only other kids around me are either excessively vain, completely undriven or absolutely locked in to sports.
Thank you so much for replying and having such good ideas
At the moment I can talk to my mum, but she is often out and I don't have any other support networks.
The meds definitely change my thinking a little bit, but they dont really improve or worsen it - I am more anxious, but can think slightly more clearly and have more energy.
Maybe you're right about social media. I like to think that I only use it for ways to 'better' myself, but I think its evils are probably inevitable. Maybe giving it a break would give me a chance to appreciate the real world more?
I think the gratitude thing is a brilliant idea. I'm going to start that tonight. Maybe if I put it in a book I can look back on all those feelings and see how far I've come and how insignificant every little worry was.
The number 1 issue is i don't know how to stop obsessing over these small things like 1 subject choice that make me feel like they are the decider of my future, and I'm too scared to do anything about them anywyas so I just constantly dwell, regret and worry. I don't know how to get all my feelings in proportion though, its like there's a gut feeling telling me to rethink it and distrusting my past decisions. Do you know any way I could help this? I really feel like I can't get anything done.
Also I keep looking for a massive goal to aim for or else I feel lost. For example, i have 3.5 years before even start undergrad, yet I'm already trying to plan out my whole further education route and career. I just don't know how to stop caring and 'be a kid'. The only other kids around me are either excessively vain, completely undriven or absolutely locked in to sports.
Reply 3
4
Original post by lililm
Hi T!
Thank you so much for replying and having such good ideas
At the moment I can talk to my mum, but she is often out and I don't have any other support networks.
The meds definitely change my thinking a little bit, but they dont really improve or worsen it - I am more anxious, but can think slightly more clearly and have more energy.
Maybe you're right about social media. I like to think that I only use it for ways to 'better' myself, but I think its evils are probably inevitable. Maybe giving it a break would give me a chance to appreciate the real world more?
I think the gratitude thing is a brilliant idea. I'm going to start that tonight. Maybe if I put it in a book I can look back on all those feelings and see how far I've come and how insignificant every little worry was.
The number 1 issue is i don't know how to stop obsessing over these small things like 1 subject choice that make me feel like they are the decider of my future, and I'm too scared to do anything about them anywyas so I just constantly dwell, regret and worry. I don't know how to get all my feelings in proportion though, its like there's a gut feeling telling me to rethink it and distrusting my past decisions. Do you know any way I could help this? I really feel like I can't get anything done.
Also I keep looking for a massive goal to aim for or else I feel lost. For example, i have 3.5 years before even start undergrad, yet I'm already trying to plan out my whole further education route and career. I just don't know how to stop caring and 'be a kid'. The only other kids around me are either excessively vain, completely undriven or absolutely locked in to sports.
Thank you so much for replying and having such good ideas
At the moment I can talk to my mum, but she is often out and I don't have any other support networks.
The meds definitely change my thinking a little bit, but they dont really improve or worsen it - I am more anxious, but can think slightly more clearly and have more energy.
Maybe you're right about social media. I like to think that I only use it for ways to 'better' myself, but I think its evils are probably inevitable. Maybe giving it a break would give me a chance to appreciate the real world more?
I think the gratitude thing is a brilliant idea. I'm going to start that tonight. Maybe if I put it in a book I can look back on all those feelings and see how far I've come and how insignificant every little worry was.
The number 1 issue is i don't know how to stop obsessing over these small things like 1 subject choice that make me feel like they are the decider of my future, and I'm too scared to do anything about them anywyas so I just constantly dwell, regret and worry. I don't know how to get all my feelings in proportion though, its like there's a gut feeling telling me to rethink it and distrusting my past decisions. Do you know any way I could help this? I really feel like I can't get anything done.
Also I keep looking for a massive goal to aim for or else I feel lost. For example, i have 3.5 years before even start undergrad, yet I'm already trying to plan out my whole further education route and career. I just don't know how to stop caring and 'be a kid'. The only other kids around me are either excessively vain, completely undriven or absolutely locked in to sports.
Hi lilim 🙂
You are more than welcome and I'm pleased to hear you felt they were good ideas. I can appreciate only having your Mum for support, as when I was in my teens and facing similar issues and complex mental health problems I only really felt I had her.
It's great to hear that your medication have helped in terms of clarity and energy, but I can imagine the anxiety feels a bit draining? How long have you been on these? It can take a while for them to 'settle' but equally, you know what is best and you know your own body better than anyone, so please don't be afraid to go back to your GP with your Mum if you feel a change in medication would help or other alternate methods alongside this. It's easy to feel you're facing several push backs from health care professionals due to the strain on them, especially where mental health is concerned - but always be an advocate and voice for yourself and remember your well-being is just as important as the next persons.
I definitely found getting rid of social media helped. My confidence and self-esteem seemed to improve, as well as feeling less pressure to 'compete' with everyone else. By that, I mean I didn't feel like I wasn't achieving because I wasn't doing what everyone else was doing. People will never post the hardest parts of their life on social media unfortunately, which disillusions us to believe when we're sat alone in our room scrolling that we're a failure for feeling/experiencing anything but what we see on digital screens.
With regards to the gratitude jar, it's great to look back on when you're having a bad day or a wobble - which of course, you will still have from time to time, as we do in life.
From personal experience, and I hope this well help you, I always sailed through school in terms of academical intelligence. Until I started getting bullied, struggled with focus, an eating disorder, and various other mental health problems. I ended up so debilitated by anxiety, that I stopped going to school all together up until my final year where against all odds I just scraped my GCSE's. I knew from the age of 8 what I wanted to do as a job but it still took me 5 years after school to make it happen, and I regularly questioned whether I was doing the right thing. I have now stuck to that for the last 6 years but I am making a huge career change, which I never envisioned I would do, as I realised my original goal wasn't going to be the 'forever' I had once envisioned. I regularly felt like I was indifferent to everyone, for wanting long term goals to keep me focused. There's one thing you can be proud of to start you off with the gratitude jar: you aren't like the other kids. You're self-aware and driven - two amazing qualities to have, that will help you with whatever path you take in life!
All I will say is it's never too late to change your mind. We can't change our past, but we can always change our future. You are the artist and author to your own life, so grab that paint brush and pen and know that only you can decide - and whatever you decide to paint or write, will be beautiful. Society makes us feel like we have to have it all figured out straight away, but people change jobs well into their 70's sometimes and are happy. Sometimes it's a case of trial and error.
Are you from the UK? If so, maybe ask for a referral from your GP for CAMHS. I'm wondering if CBT or some other form of therapy could help these thought patterns? From personal experience, this helped me when I was younger.
If you want to broaden your horizons in terms of potential careers linked to your strengths and personality, etc try the UCAS careers quiz https://www.ucas.com/careers-quiz
Or just google 'what career best suits me?', there are plenty available 🙂
As I say, if you'd like to PM me at any point please do. It would be great to hear how you're getting on and I hope you know you're not alone.
T x
(edited 7 months ago)
Reply 4
lililm
OP
6
This is so amazing and helpful, thank you T!
I have experience in the past with CAMHS (I think) for an eating disorder, and didn't really enjoy the treatment style, but was out of there relatively quickly so they must be alright haha! Yeah, I have been thinking that some therapy might be really helpful but my mum doesn't think she or I have the time or money right now unfortunately :/
I really hope you're right. I feel like I am different, but I am so scared of being 'common' I waste all my good bits. Okay, I'm going to be more grateful. And I'm not going to look at people online. And I'm going to try really hard to see how different paths can lead to a good end goal, and try not to be scared of making the wrong choice. I don't know if I can do that though.
But I'll try! Thanks T and I really hope your new job is a great place for you
I have experience in the past with CAMHS (I think) for an eating disorder, and didn't really enjoy the treatment style, but was out of there relatively quickly so they must be alright haha! Yeah, I have been thinking that some therapy might be really helpful but my mum doesn't think she or I have the time or money right now unfortunately :/
I really hope you're right. I feel like I am different, but I am so scared of being 'common' I waste all my good bits. Okay, I'm going to be more grateful. And I'm not going to look at people online. And I'm going to try really hard to see how different paths can lead to a good end goal, and try not to be scared of making the wrong choice. I don't know if I can do that though.
But I'll try! Thanks T and I really hope your new job is a great place for you
Reply 5
4
Original post by lililm
This is so amazing and helpful, thank you T!
I have experience in the past with CAMHS (I think) for an eating disorder, and didn't really enjoy the treatment style, but was out of there relatively quickly so they must be alright haha! Yeah, I have been thinking that some therapy might be really helpful but my mum doesn't think she or I have the time or money right now unfortunately :/
I really hope you're right. I feel like I am different, but I am so scared of being 'common' I waste all my good bits. Okay, I'm going to be more grateful. And I'm not going to look at people online. And I'm going to try really hard to see how different paths can lead to a good end goal, and try not to be scared of making the wrong choice. I don't know if I can do that though.
But I'll try! Thanks T and I really hope your new job is a great place for you
I have experience in the past with CAMHS (I think) for an eating disorder, and didn't really enjoy the treatment style, but was out of there relatively quickly so they must be alright haha! Yeah, I have been thinking that some therapy might be really helpful but my mum doesn't think she or I have the time or money right now unfortunately :/
I really hope you're right. I feel like I am different, but I am so scared of being 'common' I waste all my good bits. Okay, I'm going to be more grateful. And I'm not going to look at people online. And I'm going to try really hard to see how different paths can lead to a good end goal, and try not to be scared of making the wrong choice. I don't know if I can do that though.
But I'll try! Thanks T and I really hope your new job is a great place for you
Yes, I completely agree. Not all treatment styles are the best for the most presenting ‘issue’ and sometimes it is a case of trial and error. Here’s some links to find places you could get help that are funded by charitable organisations and/or NHS funding if you wanted to type in your postcode:
https://www.youthaccess.org.uk/our-network/find-help
https://www.annafreud.org/youth-wellbeing-directory/
And if you type your postcode here and find your local authority, you will also be able to see other support on their website
https://www.gov.uk/find-local-council
I apologise if my message came across wrong. Gratitude may have been the wrong term to use, but I meant more in a sense of practising self care. Trying to be kinder to yourself and grateful about the good parts of yourselves. Anxiety is a real thing, and the worries you’re having are valid! They just don’t have to define you forever. Our anxiety is trying to protect us from perceived danger but sometimes it becomes more of a hinderance than a help when it goes into over drive and fools us into being more hyper/vigilant about certain outcomes than we really need to be.
As I say, please feel free to PM me! I am happy to share my personal experience with you, and answer any questions or be on hand to support. It would be great to hear how you get on.
T x
Quick Reply
Latest
Trending
Last reply 1 month ago
feeling of bugs crawling under my skin/never feeling cleanLast reply 1 month ago
What painkillers do they give you when you get your wisdom teeth removed?Last reply 2 months ago
Can someone please help me tag Artful_lounger, i want to ask him a questionLast reply 2 months ago
I have a very important and urgent questionLast reply 2 months ago
How long do most people stay ill for before they start worrying it’s cancer?
