What will you be doing over the Easter break? >>

trying to gauge his interest...?

yo!

will try not to go on overlong here...first year phd student, met a couple of others through various whatsapp groups etc at the start of the year. moved from ireland. met a guy in a totally different department in my uni who incidentally is also irish, from very nearby my hometown and also studied at my undergrad's rival uni back home.

we clicked pretty much immediately. he initially messaged me privately off of the whatsapp group to try and organise meeting up and then we figured we were going to the same event and met there first...and then a couple days after that we had organised (just the two of us) to go to a phd pub night together. we had a great time, great banter and i think pretty good vibes all-round. he bought most of the drinks (i offered and picked up a round ofc but he was pretty insistent and nice abt it) and was like...light-heartedly flirty the whole night? but we had some deep convos about if we'd move back home for a partner, what we'd like in relationships etc. (and he joked about taking notes since we also talked about marriage/proposal styles lol)

anyway it's good vibes all round, and the following day he texts me asking how my day's been -- i text him back and ask the same and then poof, no reply. whatever, he doesn't seem super into texting. about a week later there's another phd induction event so i text him and ask if he's there since it was kind of boring -- by the time we bump into each other we've both already picked up some people at the event and we all wind up going to the pub as a group. when he introduces me to one of the girls he knows from his department (who he's been direct in saying he's not interested in, and i think she might have a bf?) she's like "ohh so you're the famous (OP)! (guy)'s told me about you!" and the whole night at the pub i hear him mention my name, catch him looking at me etc. (he also offers to buy JUST me a drink which ngl was funny but awks lol)

after thaaat more time goes by and i do not hear from him. no one is really active in the group chats (those of us who went to the pub made one too) so it's very chill, whatever. i wind up needing to go back home for an event so i decide to text him a few weeks later to go get a coffee or something -- he takes a few days to get back to me but is super chill and enthusiastic about it, so we meet up. he picks out a place, we get coffee/food/drinks and then we take a walk and hit another pub that's a bit nearer to my place. we have long chats and again he brings up the "do you think you'll end up with a brit?" question which we've jokingly talked about (irish and brits, ykyk). but HE brings up dating/relationships etc. and we talk a lot abt it! and we're very similarly aligned. and it's whatever.

when we were parting ways we said we'd catch up soon (he was actually going home for different reasons during the period i'd be away, so we were both busy for a bit). he asked if it was okay to hug which i thought was super cute and said we'd keep in touch. earlier in the evening we'd been talking about whether or not we believed in love at first sight and i said no but i'd believe in a "vibe" -- and of course, when we were going home he's like "yeah, the vibes were really good." he's got that sense of humour ig but...yknow.

and then i was back home for like a month in full and did not hear from him. i didn't really think much of it since i told him i'd be back eary-mid nov and as i said, i knew he was also away. he doesn't SEEM to be big into texting, so i didn't really take notice. but i did text him when i got back and said if he were free it'd be good to catch up since like, if it weren't obvious i'm a bit in my feelings over him lol. and he does not respond. whatever. i get sorta mad and i'm like okay, whatever. then after a week he responds LIKE NORMAL, totally chill! tells me he's otw back from a stag do in scotland and he's sick but we'll get together soon. asks questions abt my time back home, my time since getting back to uni. and i respond, and -- you guessed it, nada.

so that's where we're at now. i'm genuinely so confused. because when we're together we've got a really good vibe -- platonic or romantic i dunno, but a vibe nonetheless. we also live very nearby (incidentally). i don't really get why he's never really initiating spending time together if he seems to enjoy my company? and i don't really get what exactly the vibe between us if, but DAMN if we could see each other more maybe i'd get it! is he trying to just blow me off and be nice about it? because i've been wondering that, but then why the hell does he bother texting me eventually anyway? and we've got a LOOSE group of friends, so it's not like he's got to tolerate me to keep those friendships -- we're all in different departments, we're all doing different things. am i being dumb by continuing to initiate stuff? am i an idiot or something?

for any additional context, if it matters: we're both mid-twenties, we're both definitely straight and single. a very very bad relationship experience in my undergrad left me with a huge source of anxiety and insecurity in relationships, so that now i'm wary of people (working on it) and have a tendency to pull back the second i feel like my energy's not being matched. i don't want to do that if it's not warranted, but i don't want to be dense and just a source of irritation to him.

TL;DR: guy seems interested (possibly romantically) but never initiates spending time together. when we hang out we've got good chemistry, and he's done the whole shebang of buying drinks, saying we should go to concerts together, etc. he never texts (seems like he may not text anyone, however) and often takes a week to respond to mine, which i send infrequently and only to organise a meet up. what the hell is going on?

Reply 1

Zarek

It’s hard to say, the lack of progress sort of feels like he might only be interested in friendship, but as you say there are some positive signs. What’s your instinct, this is generally accurate in my experience. Why not try to make it happen, invite him as a plus one to some event and she what transpires

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Zarek

yeah it's confusing! i get that he's busy too, since we're both phds and our schedules are a little hectic (super busy and then not busy at all) -- and i guess i don't really know him long enough to get if he's just "like this" and not super into planning stuff. i know mutual friends have joked about him never replying. my instinct is that there's a little chemistry between us, and i think the fact that he's brought up the topic of dating/relationships/preferences etc multiple times might be a sign of something? he's also been very clear in saying that he's not interested in other girls we both know but hasn't said as much to/about me -- maybe he wouldn't say it directly but he's pretty forward sooo i kind of think he would. he's also paid me little compliments about my outfits or looking pretty and said that i put him at ease.

i'm hoping to see him soon and might ask if he'd go with me to one of the end of term events! i think i can kind of attribute the lack of progress til now to the fact that i was home for a whole month, so there really wasn't any room for us to see each other. i'd like if he were more active online but i guess some people just aren't (my brother is the same age as this guy and also hates texting, so when i've spoken to him about it he doesn't see it as strange at all). will try to be optimistic!