How to socialise at university (function as a normal human being)?

I have severe social anxiety and so before anyone says the usual nonsense like "jOiN a sOcIeTy", I have, and it hasn't worked, primarily because I've not been able to go to any events! Reason? Not because I'm not putting in the effort, no. But because I literally feel my chest tightening and get heart palpitations whenever I'm about to enter the room / venue where the event is. Even something like a guest speaker event, I couldn't go into the room because just before it started everyone was around in groups talking to each other. So I left in shame and self hatred as I (literally!) kicked myself for being so pathetic.

And there's more...

In class, someone tried speaking to me about another module we're both taking, so there should have been fertile ground for conversation, given we're both interested in the subject! I'm sure you're asking, what happened, how can you mess that up so bad? Well, my mind went blank, said a few empty words, couldn't think straight and my mind went blank (as it often does in conversations!) so he just ended up stopping talking to me! How fun! Another missed opportunity to make a friend...

Generally feel like a social outcast / alien even, I don't know how to socialise anymore. Nor do I want to even, I think subconsciously because my friend took his own life so maybe I'm afraid to make friends now? But I want to join in on things, join in on the fun, yet I'm not inclined to, it's torturing me. This is an extremely depressing existence and I don't know how to go back to being normal anymore I think I'm too far gone. I literally hate myself so much that I rage bait people into insulting me and telling me what I'm saying is stupid to try change my negative thoughts but it doesn't work.

As you can tell from the tone of this post I am going insane so what should I do? ! ?

Reply 1

University of Salford Student Rep

Official Rep

Original post by Anonymous

I have severe social anxiety and so before anyone says the usual nonsense like "jOiN a sOcIeTy", I have, and it hasn't worked, primarily because I've not been able to go to any events! Reason? Not because I'm not putting in the effort, no. But because I literally feel my chest tightening and get heart palpitations whenever I'm about to enter the room / venue where the event is. Even something like a guest speaker event, I couldn't go into the room because just before it started everyone was around in groups talking to each other. So I left in shame and self hatred as I (literally!) kicked myself for being so pathetic.
And there's more...
In class, someone tried speaking to me about another module we're both taking, so there should have been fertile ground for conversation, given we're both interested in the subject! I'm sure you're asking, what happened, how can you mess that up so bad? Well, my mind went blank, said a few empty words, couldn't think straight and my mind went blank (as it often does in conversations!) so he just ended up stopping talking to me! How fun! Another missed opportunity to make a friend...
Generally feel like a social outcast / alien even, I don't know how to socialise anymore. Nor do I want to even, I think subconsciously because my friend took his own life so maybe I'm afraid to make friends now? But I want to join in on things, join in on the fun, yet I'm not inclined to, it's torturing me. This is an extremely depressing existence and I don't know how to go back to being normal anymore I think I'm too far gone. I literally hate myself so much that I rage bait people into insulting me and telling me what I'm saying is stupid to try change my negative thoughts but it doesn't work.
As you can tell from the tone of this post I am going insane so what should I do? ! ?

Hey,

I’m really sorry to hear you’re feeling like this - it sounds incredibly overwhelming, and it’s clear how much you want things to change but feel stuck. First of all, please know that you’re not “pathetic” or “too far gone.” Social anxiety can be debilitating, but it’s also something that can be worked on with the right support and strategies. You’re reaching out here, which shows you care about your well-being and want to move forward.

A good starting point might be reaching out to your university’s wellbeing and counselling service. At the University of Salford, for instance, we have trained counsellors who help students navigate issues like anxiety, and I’m sure your university offers something similar. They can help you explore what’s going on beneath the surface - such as the grief you’ve mentioned - and develop tools to manage the anxiety in social situations.

You mentioned the physical symptoms like chest tightening and heart palpitations before events - these are classic signs of social anxiety, and they can make situations feel impossible. A counsellor or mental health professional could teach you grounding techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, to help calm your body in those moments so you feel more in control. Over time, small, manageable steps - like entering a room briefly or staying for a short period - can help build confidence.

In the meantime, try to ease the pressure you’re putting on yourself to “get it right” in social situations. Conversations don’t have to be perfect; even if your mind goes blank, it’s okay to acknowledge it with something like, “Sorry, my brain’s a bit slow today!” People are usually more understanding than we expect. Practicing small, low-stakes interactions, like chatting with a barista or saying hi to a classmate, might help you build confidence gradually.

It might also help to talk to your personal tutor or academic adviser about how you’re feeling. They could provide advice about engaging in your studies in a way that feels less overwhelming, and they can signpost additional resources if needed.

Please don’t feel like you’re facing this alone. There’s help available, and with the right steps, things can get better. You deserve to feel connected and enjoy life again.

Take care of yourself,
Arslan – University of Salford Student Representative

Reply 2

WrexhamUniReps

Official Rep

Original post by Anonymous

I have severe social anxiety and so before anyone says the usual nonsense like "jOiN a sOcIeTy", I have, and it hasn't worked, primarily because I've not been able to go to any events! Reason? Not because I'm not putting in the effort, no. But because I literally feel my chest tightening and get heart palpitations whenever I'm about to enter the room / venue where the event is. Even something like a guest speaker event, I couldn't go into the room because just before it started everyone was around in groups talking to each other. So I left in shame and self hatred as I (literally!) kicked myself for being so pathetic.
And there's more...
In class, someone tried speaking to me about another module we're both taking, so there should have been fertile ground for conversation, given we're both interested in the subject! I'm sure you're asking, what happened, how can you mess that up so bad? Well, my mind went blank, said a few empty words, couldn't think straight and my mind went blank (as it often does in conversations!) so he just ended up stopping talking to me! How fun! Another missed opportunity to make a friend...
Generally feel like a social outcast / alien even, I don't know how to socialise anymore. Nor do I want to even, I think subconsciously because my friend took his own life so maybe I'm afraid to make friends now? But I want to join in on things, join in on the fun, yet I'm not inclined to, it's torturing me. This is an extremely depressing existence and I don't know how to go back to being normal anymore I think I'm too far gone. I literally hate myself so much that I rage bait people into insulting me and telling me what I'm saying is stupid to try change my negative thoughts but it doesn't work.
As you can tell from the tone of this post I am going insane so what should I do? ! ?

Hi

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like this, This can be more common at university than you think so please try not to be too hard on yourself. Social anxiety is a really big thing at University and it can make life difficult at points as I am sure you are already aware.

I would advise you to reach out to your University support team, who will be able to advise you on what services would be best to help you and provide you with the support and opportunities that you might need.

I hope this helps,

Matt
Wrexham Uni Reps

Reply 3

hallamstudents

Official Rep

Original post by Anonymous

I have severe social anxiety and so before anyone says the usual nonsense like "jOiN a sOcIeTy", I have, and it hasn't worked, primarily because I've not been able to go to any events! Reason? Not because I'm not putting in the effort, no. But because I literally feel my chest tightening and get heart palpitations whenever I'm about to enter the room / venue where the event is. Even something like a guest speaker event, I couldn't go into the room because just before it started everyone was around in groups talking to each other. So I left in shame and self hatred as I (literally!) kicked myself for being so pathetic.
And there's more...
In class, someone tried speaking to me about another module we're both taking, so there should have been fertile ground for conversation, given we're both interested in the subject! I'm sure you're asking, what happened, how can you mess that up so bad? Well, my mind went blank, said a few empty words, couldn't think straight and my mind went blank (as it often does in conversations!) so he just ended up stopping talking to me! How fun! Another missed opportunity to make a friend...
Generally feel like a social outcast / alien even, I don't know how to socialise anymore. Nor do I want to even, I think subconsciously because my friend took his own life so maybe I'm afraid to make friends now? But I want to join in on things, join in on the fun, yet I'm not inclined to, it's torturing me. This is an extremely depressing existence and I don't know how to go back to being normal anymore I think I'm too far gone. I literally hate myself so much that I rage bait people into insulting me and telling me what I'm saying is stupid to try change my negative thoughts but it doesn't work.
As you can tell from the tone of this post I am going insane so what should I do? ! ?

Hi there,

I am sorry that you have been experiencing this at uni. University can be such a hard time as it is very new and different to anything that you will have done before.

I think that it is a good idea to reach out to the support team at your uni as they will be able to support you. This is worth doing as your social anxiety is stopping you from doing things and if you can get any help or support with this it will be worth doing. I have always found them to be helpful and they will listen to you and support you in any way that they can.

Along similar lines, it may also be worth talking to your GP about the anxiety that you are experiencing as they are also able to help you with things like this. It might be worth a try.

In terms of making friends, I think that the best thing to do will just be to try and take little steps at a time. I completely understand how much social anxiety can stop you from doing and it isn't an easy fix at all, but trying to do little things at a time might help you a little bit.

You could think about trying to speak to one new person a week/day - whatever feels manageable to you. Or, try and answer one question in a seminar a week. Whatever feels manageable to you, try and make a list and push yourself out of your comfort zone a little bit at a time. After a while you may feel more able to talk to your classmates ad start to make friends with them.

You still have years at uni - so focus on yourself and making sure that you are getting any support that you need and then after Christmas and going into your second year, you may start to feel more able to talk to people and make friends.

I hope some of this helps,

Lucy -SHU student ambassador.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

As someone who used to have severe social anxiety (to the point of selective mutism), you have to push through the palpitations and the chest tightness and the feelings of self-hatred. The only way for social anxiety to get better is to face your fear and push through the discomfort. You are welcome to disagree with me, but that's the reality. Good luck.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

Yeah deep down I know no amount of therapy will help, already tried 4 months of it, waste of time and money

I literally go light headed and start sweating from the stress after an interaction, the other day I literally walked out an elevator after 2 people walked in after me, I just got so uncomfortable, heart literally started pounding. Just feels like its getting worse, never used to start feeling light headed and dizzy after haha

Reply 6

YSJstudents

Official Rep

Original post by Anonymous

I have severe social anxiety and so before anyone says the usual nonsense like "jOiN a sOcIeTy", I have, and it hasn't worked, primarily because I've not been able to go to any events! Reason? Not because I'm not putting in the effort, no. But because I literally feel my chest tightening and get heart palpitations whenever I'm about to enter the room / venue where the event is. Even something like a guest speaker event, I couldn't go into the room because just before it started everyone was around in groups talking to each other. So I left in shame and self hatred as I (literally!) kicked myself for being so pathetic.
And there's more...
In class, someone tried speaking to me about another module we're both taking, so there should have been fertile ground for conversation, given we're both interested in the subject! I'm sure you're asking, what happened, how can you mess that up so bad? Well, my mind went blank, said a few empty words, couldn't think straight and my mind went blank (as it often does in conversations!) so he just ended up stopping talking to me! How fun! Another missed opportunity to make a friend...
Generally feel like a social outcast / alien even, I don't know how to socialise anymore. Nor do I want to even, I think subconsciously because my friend took his own life so maybe I'm afraid to make friends now? But I want to join in on things, join in on the fun, yet I'm not inclined to, it's torturing me. This is an extremely depressing existence and I don't know how to go back to being normal anymore I think I'm too far gone. I literally hate myself so much that I rage bait people into insulting me and telling me what I'm saying is stupid to try change my negative thoughts but it doesn't work.
As you can tell from the tone of this post I am going insane so what should I do? ! ?

Hi there!

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I want to second the advice already offered here - the university's support services are there for a reason, and more people use them than you think!

Outside of in-person interaction and the advice already offered here, it might be worth reaching out on the Facebook fresher's page for your university, and making some friends online! You can also try your university's page here on TSR. I guarantee others will be feeling the same way. Maybe if you make a friend online, and chat a bit first, meeting them in person might be a little easier than talking to a stranger. However, just make sure to be safe if you do meet anyone you meet online, in-person🤗

-Kiera (Student Ambassador, York St. John University)

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

Yeah deep down I know no amount of therapy will help, already tried 4 months of it, waste of time and money
I literally go light headed and start sweating from the stress after an interaction, the other day I literally walked out an elevator after 2 people walked in after me, I just got so uncomfortable, heart literally started pounding. Just feels like its getting worse, never used to start feeling light headed and dizzy after haha