trouble being loving and affectionate
I grew up in a house atmosphere with constant conflicts an arguments, amongst other issues. Since a very young age I was subject to this, and I had never seen my parents display any liking or tolerance towards one another, despite not splitting up. My mum left a couple of times for long periods (a year) and then came back and this left me with a confused understanding and instability because we would get used to living without her and then she would appear in our lives again, and then leave again. She would lie about where she was and till this day I dont actually know what the truth is about what happened. What I do know is that she was having an affair and I could not understand why my mum would leave her children completely even if she did not love our dad. Many other things did happen, but I will not delve into those details because it is too messy.
Fast forward to now, and she has left again (for good it seems this time), and I have not had any contact with her in over a year. My dad is a very big source of stability in my life and he has been there for our family throughout this and is always doing his best, despite financial struggles and things. For context however, during all the arguments it was both my mum and dad that had a part in this, although in the long term my dad has greatly improved and never raises his voice at me now.
My issue is that I grew up only seeing unhealthy arguments, fights and yelling and I was mostly the one who was the subject of all of this because my parents could easily direct their frustration at eachother on me. Because of this, along with the trust issues I have developed from not understanding if I am loved or not by my mum, I have really bad communication. My dad and my bond is really good now and I am very grateful for him, but at minor inconveniences I get extremely mad at him. I dont want to yell at my dad and I feel really bad doing it, and I always try not to but it just happens. I then try to make up for it after, but I want to stop doing it. I dont know how to stop getting annoyed at him.
Another thing is I really feel bad for him he is a single parent trying to do a lot of things. I do what I can to help, but obviously his life is still very stressful. He has a hard repetitive life. I struggle with affection and even though i want to be loving and maybe give him a hug, it feels awkward to me. I have not given him a hug or said i love u to him since I was a child. I dont know where my struggle with affection really began, because as a kid I was very very affectionate. Im not sure how to start being affectionate and everything feels awkward to me.
Has anyone else been through this? Or have any advice.
Fast forward to now, and she has left again (for good it seems this time), and I have not had any contact with her in over a year. My dad is a very big source of stability in my life and he has been there for our family throughout this and is always doing his best, despite financial struggles and things. For context however, during all the arguments it was both my mum and dad that had a part in this, although in the long term my dad has greatly improved and never raises his voice at me now.
My issue is that I grew up only seeing unhealthy arguments, fights and yelling and I was mostly the one who was the subject of all of this because my parents could easily direct their frustration at eachother on me. Because of this, along with the trust issues I have developed from not understanding if I am loved or not by my mum, I have really bad communication. My dad and my bond is really good now and I am very grateful for him, but at minor inconveniences I get extremely mad at him. I dont want to yell at my dad and I feel really bad doing it, and I always try not to but it just happens. I then try to make up for it after, but I want to stop doing it. I dont know how to stop getting annoyed at him.
Another thing is I really feel bad for him he is a single parent trying to do a lot of things. I do what I can to help, but obviously his life is still very stressful. He has a hard repetitive life. I struggle with affection and even though i want to be loving and maybe give him a hug, it feels awkward to me. I have not given him a hug or said i love u to him since I was a child. I dont know where my struggle with affection really began, because as a kid I was very very affectionate. Im not sure how to start being affectionate and everything feels awkward to me.
Has anyone else been through this? Or have any advice.
Reply 1
My upbringing was in a similar environment to yours. Except with the Dad and Mum switched around from your situation.
There's the cliche about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
That applies most if you have the right attitude. One of positivity instead of negativity.
Love and respect yourself. So much so that you don't need anyone else's affection in order for you to function very well.
Your parents are not role models.
Use them as inverse role models. All the stuff they did wrong, you do the opposite when you're in a relationship.
If your dad has had relatively low income, use him as inverse role model for your own career path / approach to starting a business and earning loads of money.
Just go ahead and tell your dad specific and exact things about why you like him / love him.
Back up your words with actions, such as you taking on household chores, such as food shopping and cooking and doing them to higher and higher standards.
Feel free to try to hug him whenever you want.
Try to have a heart to heart with your mum. See if you can draw out the truth from her perspective, with you listening to her in a non judgemental / emotionally positive / supportive way
Try to maintain your frame. Make it a good frame. Do not get drawn into the negative frame of any others. Including your dad's.
If he has a frame that his life has been hard and difficult, you should have and maintain a frame that life is easy and should be easy.
If your dad has had a hard life, that's down to him. His limiting beliefs. His decisions. His mindset. Or it's down to him putting too much negative spin on his life. Inverse role model again.
There's the cliche about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
That applies most if you have the right attitude. One of positivity instead of negativity.
Love and respect yourself. So much so that you don't need anyone else's affection in order for you to function very well.
Your parents are not role models.
Use them as inverse role models. All the stuff they did wrong, you do the opposite when you're in a relationship.
If your dad has had relatively low income, use him as inverse role model for your own career path / approach to starting a business and earning loads of money.
Just go ahead and tell your dad specific and exact things about why you like him / love him.
Back up your words with actions, such as you taking on household chores, such as food shopping and cooking and doing them to higher and higher standards.
Feel free to try to hug him whenever you want.
Try to have a heart to heart with your mum. See if you can draw out the truth from her perspective, with you listening to her in a non judgemental / emotionally positive / supportive way
Try to maintain your frame. Make it a good frame. Do not get drawn into the negative frame of any others. Including your dad's.
If he has a frame that his life has been hard and difficult, you should have and maintain a frame that life is easy and should be easy.
If your dad has had a hard life, that's down to him. His limiting beliefs. His decisions. His mindset. Or it's down to him putting too much negative spin on his life. Inverse role model again.
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