Reply or don't reply. I don't mind but I needed to get this off my chest.
Nowadays, I've been starting to realize how lonely I truly am. I'm in my first year of uni - I've been going out my way to make friends with people in my accom or course but its clear that they dont want a friendship with me so I've basically done nothing whereas all my friends are going to all these social events, clubbing etc whereas I'm just in my room or walking around campus. I do have some friends back at home - i've known them for 6 years but even know - I can slowly start to tell that I'm losing them and it hurts to see. I don't think I'm a dry texter, I love texting people and finding out what they were up to but they each have a life of their own - a much more interesting one than mine. A part of me knows that if they're a good friend, they have no reason to truly leave me but another part of me thinks they will just forget about me because they have such a cruel life. In short - I guess you can say I have a very strong case of Athazagoraphobia lol.
Also, my dad has been getting angrier than usual. Basically I messed up my A-level grades so I couldn't do the course I wanted to do but I now made a life plan but any inconvenience that comes up - he brings it up. It was 4 months ago but he brings it up and says something along the lines of 'You were stupid then so what part of you makes you think that your so smart?' I just remember myself having more fun with my dad but the past 2 months, I've found myself walking around eggshells. I could make a playful comment but then he'll somehow turn it around and make me angry or upset. I don't know if theres an external issue for this. It just confuses me because he behaves like this randomly but then on nice days, he's back to his normal self.
When it comes to my mum - to put it short. I lowkey think I have mummy issues but I can't tell if i'm just being overreactive or not. I remember one of the happiest days of my life was actually this summer because we had to go to an embassy to get our passports renewed so we ended up having a day out together and I was upset for the day to end. FYI,I have a disabled sibling which is why I don't spend much time with her and the time I do spend with her - she's either tired or angry which is understandable. I've come to the past to talk to her about problems but I end up feelings worse when I talk to her and the accomplishments I have - she barely says much which somehow also makes me feel worse.
I'm literally a 19 year old girl and I feel so pathetic for feeling like this. My fear for not being loved, being abandoned and forgetting get stronger each week and I feel like im being more and more of a burden. I'm also scared for the future because I can just picture how my behavior now will impact any future relationships. I know this is a stupid thing to get upset over - I could have something much worse happening to me.
I also can't help but compare myself to my friends. They seem so at ease when they talk to their parents and whenever I'm around their parents, I've never felt so seen - despite me literally not saying anything. Again, it sounds pathetic and I feel bad for my parents because its not like they abuse me or kick me but I just want smt a little more emotional yk. I guess its just hard being a glass child