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Relationship advice/thoughts

I think it might be time to end a two year relationship, but I’m unsure. We are very much attached to each other, however I think I’ve personally grown out of him. I’m now in year 13 and I remember having a major crush on him in year 7 and he didn’t treat me too well even though we dated in year 8 for a couple of months. Since that time till year 10 I had a crush on him, I think mainly because he was unattainable and it was like a chase. In that time, I also rekindled with a boy who I had a thing with since year 5, personally I think me and the boy from year 5 connect much better, he’s smarter than my current bf, he understands me more and there’s just a sense of familiarity. However, I hurt him in pursuit of my now boyfriend and I’ve changed from the year 7 to year 10 me, and now, me and my now boyfriend couldn’t be anymore incompatible. I do wish to rekindle with my year 5 ex, (we were on and off till yr10) but he hates me now which is understandable. However, I feel attached to my now boyfriend however his future isn’t aligned with mine due to our career paths. He’s also insanely paranoid about me cheating and he’s quite self-centred and although he adores me, he sees me more as a property or an extension of himself rather than a person. He gets sad when I want to post myself and I ask him which picture to post and he gets visibly upset and admits to choosing the one he deems worse. I also applied to Nottingham and he expressed sadness because he think Nottingham is notorious for cheating, he even sent me tiktok videos of it. He’s not very smart which I don’t like he doesn’t understand many concepts and is a bit slow. He’s quite boring and he has his passions but outside of his passions, he’s dull, even though he doesn’t try to be. He says he’s happy that I don’t have many friends since it means I will be texting him more and I struggle with depression and one of the main factors is my constant loneliness and it just makes me feel like wow. Leaving him would be tough because it means I’d have absolutely no one. I go to uni in September but I don’t know if I’m making a mistake ending it but I also look forward to meeting new people since the last two years have been rough. I don’t think I will leave him now since I don’t want to be questioned about it and I don’t want the toll on my mental health as I’m in the middle of mocks but I think we’ve outgrown each other everything to our personality and lifestyles are completely incompatible and he himself agreed that he doesn’t think we’d last and I guess I’m just looking for others advice and thoughts thank you

Reply 1

based_J

Hi, speaking from the perspective of someone who is in an extremely healthy relationship — please leave him right now. He's absolutely toxic, insecure and, as you put it yourself, not very smart. If he loved you he wouldn't make you doubt yourself this damn much — and honestly, worrying about you cheating on him just shows the extent of his insecurity and the fact that he doesn't actually trust you, and you don't seem to trust him that much either. Don't hesitate to leave him if you feel like his presence in your life is taking a toll on your mental health and academic wellbeing. Not to mention that you are in the middle of yr 13 mocks which will determine your entire uni path. Recognise that there is a difference between truly loving someone and wanting to be loved. It's not the same thing, really. Girl, love someone when you really want to, not when you're alone and need someone 'just because'. That is never, never, ever gonna go down well.

There are just so many red flags in this relationship - the other really obvious one is the fact that he doesn't support and encourage your academic paths just because of an unjustified reason. If he really loved and trusted you, there would be no need of these speculations.

I obviously don't know much about you and your ex, but from your short message I would recommend not going back to him. Personally I think it's only going to make everything so much worse, but of course if you think he's someone who would truly love you and has matured and will be a better bf, then I guess trying once wouldn't hurt (but again I strongly advise against this from what I've read!)

This might be a bit of a stretch but hey I have been by myself since year 7 all the way to year 11 (year 11 was when I got my bf) and whilst it was pretty painful most of the time, I learnt how to take care of myself and my constant comforting thought was that I'd find some friend someday who would love and cherish me more than I ever thought possible and now that's true. I read a quote which said "if you're alone whilst you're with yourself only then you're in bad company" and it's absolutely true. Maybe this is cold comfort and I'm truly sorry if it is, I really don't want to bring you any more hurt than you're already going through, but everyone goes through periods in life when they're completely alone and it's ok, really it is, and what you have to do is learn to make friends with yourself because at the end of the day, you should be your own best friend because you're the person you have to live with for the rest of your life. Find activities that interest you and I swear, it does get so much better over time. And remember, these moments definitely do not last. They are over sooner than you think, I promise you they do. Right now the most important thing is to put yourself first and prioritise your mental health and academic wellbeing, things your bf clearly isn't helping with. He's toxic, he's insecure, you guys have both grown out of each other, he brings worry and stress to your life and doesn't want to support you — please leave him right now. You'll most likely regret it in the future if you don't leave him.

It's hard to leave someone. I get it. It's so damn hard. But at the end of the day, we all have to move on from toxic people who bring misery into our lives. Someday you'll look back on this and feel so glad that you had the courage and the knowledge to leave him, and I congratulate you when that day comes.

I really hope you find good friends at uni who deserve you and support you when you need them. It's only a couple of months till uni so hold on tight - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you the very, very, very best in all your future endeavors, including leaving this guy and finding someone else better.

There's this TED Talk that's super helpful and might even be life-changing to some people, it's only about 20 minutes so give it a watch if you're interested https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3fIZuW9P_M hope you enjoy

I hope this message wasn't too long and that it has helped you somewhat 😊