Urgent advice on boys at uni please!!! need major help thank you x
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Reply 20
Original post
by Dunnig KrugerHow would you be a girlfriend? You could make it up as you go along.
You could find out how to be a good girlfriend and incorporate that into how you think, behave and speak.
There's Sheri Argov's book "Why Men Love *****es"
When you go on a 100% sober date, the guy you're with should be aiming to help you relax, enjoy yourself and have a good interaction with him. If he can't do that it would raise questions as to whether he's the right guy for you.
A big step forward for you will be to conquer / mitigate your worrying habit. And for you to develop more of a get up and go habit.
What is the nature of your severe eating disorder?
You could find out how to be a good girlfriend and incorporate that into how you think, behave and speak.
There's Sheri Argov's book "Why Men Love *****es"
When you go on a 100% sober date, the guy you're with should be aiming to help you relax, enjoy yourself and have a good interaction with him. If he can't do that it would raise questions as to whether he's the right guy for you.
A big step forward for you will be to conquer / mitigate your worrying habit. And for you to develop more of a get up and go habit.
What is the nature of your severe eating disorder?
How do I stay cool and fun and seem like someone that would be interested to get to know more about? I talk too much about nonsense and overshare when I'm nervous or feel awkward. Everything he knows about me have all been the absolute worst parts of me and the trauma I've been through etc, as I've been so drunk and high when I've met him, I've been a mess and said so much that I've never told anyone before.
Do you know how I can just prevent myself feeling any romantic feelings for him during the date so I can just pretend I'm hangiong out with a friend rather than thinking of it as a date and like an exam, where he's analysing every single thing I do and deciding if I'm worth getting to know more. And I'm so worried that when he meets me in the day time and sober which he has never done before, he'll relaise how fat ugly and unnatractive I am and will regret it all and I'm scared. I know he's touched and seen my entire body already, but he's been drunk it was dark and I don't know what he thinks of me. I've never done any of this before so I'm just really worried and don't want to mess this up. My eating disorder is anorexia, I get super anxious around food and never eat unless someone else is with me and I have to keep up the facade that I have a good relationship with food. I calorie count and starve myself and worry so much that people will think I am fat and ugly. I was on some medication that caused extreme wright gain of about 10kg, so I'm even more sensitive to food but need ot be able to act normal cool and fun. Thanks so much for all the advice x
Reply 21
Original post
by AnonymousHow do I stay cool and fun and seem like someone that would be interested to get to know more about? I talk too much about nonsense and overshare when I'm nervous or feel awkward. Everything he knows about me have all been the absolute worst parts of me and the trauma I've been through etc, as I've been so drunk and high when I've met him, I've been a mess and said so much that I've never told anyone before.
Do you know how I can just prevent myself feeling any romantic feelings for him during the date so I can just pretend I'm hangiong out with a friend rather than thinking of it as a date and like an exam, where he's analysing every single thing I do and deciding if I'm worth getting to know more. And I'm so worried that when he meets me in the day time and sober which he has never done before, he'll relaise how fat ugly and unnatractive I am and will regret it all and I'm scared. I know he's touched and seen my entire body already, but he's been drunk it was dark and I don't know what he thinks of me. I've never done any of this before so I'm just really worried and don't want to mess this up. My eating disorder is anorexia, I get super anxious around food and never eat unless someone else is with me and I have to keep up the facade that I have a good relationship with food. I calorie count and starve myself and worry so much that people will think I am fat and ugly. I was on some medication that caused extreme wright gain of about 10kg, so I'm even more sensitive to food but need ot be able to act normal cool and fun. Thanks so much for all the advice x
Do you know how I can just prevent myself feeling any romantic feelings for him during the date so I can just pretend I'm hangiong out with a friend rather than thinking of it as a date and like an exam, where he's analysing every single thing I do and deciding if I'm worth getting to know more. And I'm so worried that when he meets me in the day time and sober which he has never done before, he'll relaise how fat ugly and unnatractive I am and will regret it all and I'm scared. I know he's touched and seen my entire body already, but he's been drunk it was dark and I don't know what he thinks of me. I've never done any of this before so I'm just really worried and don't want to mess this up. My eating disorder is anorexia, I get super anxious around food and never eat unless someone else is with me and I have to keep up the facade that I have a good relationship with food. I calorie count and starve myself and worry so much that people will think I am fat and ugly. I was on some medication that caused extreme wright gain of about 10kg, so I'm even more sensitive to food but need ot be able to act normal cool and fun. Thanks so much for all the advice x
I also forgot to mention that one night when we were drunk and in his bed, he asked me how far I've gone with a guy and I confessed I'd never done anything and that he was my first kiss which is super embarrasing and I wanted to just die, and when I asked him he said he'd done everything and didn't elaborate. But I know nothing about anything sexual, don't even know how to kiss as everytime I've kissed anyone it has been him, he's initiated it and I've been on the verge of blackout drunk so had no idea what was going on or even what I was doing, but I'm so inexoerience that I'm worried about this.
Also what's normal for a first date (sober) like what should I typically expect? How long is it, what happens, is a kiss normal, is anything beyond that advisable, how should I act, how should I make him feel, what do I do? I've never kissed sober so don't know how to do it. and if he does ask me out, he will probably say to 'hang out' and not a date, although over text he has said that we need a 'sober date', so I don't know what this means, and I'm worried he just means meeting sober to have sex, as I've only met him for sexual things but have blacked out and passed out before we got that far and I think I've been unwillingly leading him on and being mean.
Reply 22
Are you still getting professional help for your anorexia?
Do you understand how dangerous it would be for you to lose a significant amount of weight? And why it would be dangerous for you?
Do you understand why your current weight is perfect for you?
Can you understand how men such as myself and this guy you've been seeing do NOT see you as fat and ugly? And can you understand how we see you as beautiful and attractive?
Talking nonsense is fine. Going off on crazy tangents is fine. Saying stuff that doesn't make any logical sense is fine. Especially if it comes from a foundation of positivity or just mucking about and having fun.
I don't know how you can stop yourself having romantic feelings for him on a date. It's fine if you have these feelings on the date. So much so that I'd say that if you had no romantic feelings whilst you were on a date with him, that would be a bad sign.
Let him analyse you. Let him decide if he should spend more time with you. There's an abundance of men out there. If he doesn't love you, there's plenty of other men out there that will.
You should be assessing him. And deciding if you want to spend more time with him. Doing this in a fun, positive, enthusiastic way will make you more attractive to him. It's what dating coaches call the "buyer-seller dynamic".
The person that is most willing to walk away tends to have the power and tends to be regarded as attractive.
Aim to get yourself a boyfriend that will help you / support you with your battle against anorexia.
A guy that's competent at nutrition, food shopping and cooking might be one type of ideal guy for you. A guy that's good at understanding the real you and is an emotional rock in a positive way would be another type of guy that would be ideal for you.
Don't worry about your lack of experience at kissing etc. No reasonable person expects you to be competent at anything the first few times you do something. Being hopeless at something and getting better at it is all part of the journey. A journey that's magical and is a lot of fun.
And when a guy asks you personal questions, you don't have to give him a straight answer. It's fine if you deflect the question. Or give a silly answer. Remaining somewhat of a mystery and an enigma is fine.
Or if you prefer, it's also fine to open up and be vulnerable, with the expectation that he will open and be vulnerable too.
For the length of your next date with him, it's up to you. You could make it as short as 45 minutes. And when you hit that time limit you thank him for the great time together and either go on another instant date with him or you get up and go home and get on with the rest of your life till the next date.
No man is perfect. No woman is perfect. This guy you're seeing won't be perfect. You won't be perfect. All that matters is that each of you are good enough for each other. You have easily enough about you for you to be way more than good enough for him.
Do you understand how dangerous it would be for you to lose a significant amount of weight? And why it would be dangerous for you?
Do you understand why your current weight is perfect for you?
Can you understand how men such as myself and this guy you've been seeing do NOT see you as fat and ugly? And can you understand how we see you as beautiful and attractive?
Talking nonsense is fine. Going off on crazy tangents is fine. Saying stuff that doesn't make any logical sense is fine. Especially if it comes from a foundation of positivity or just mucking about and having fun.
I don't know how you can stop yourself having romantic feelings for him on a date. It's fine if you have these feelings on the date. So much so that I'd say that if you had no romantic feelings whilst you were on a date with him, that would be a bad sign.
Let him analyse you. Let him decide if he should spend more time with you. There's an abundance of men out there. If he doesn't love you, there's plenty of other men out there that will.
You should be assessing him. And deciding if you want to spend more time with him. Doing this in a fun, positive, enthusiastic way will make you more attractive to him. It's what dating coaches call the "buyer-seller dynamic".
The person that is most willing to walk away tends to have the power and tends to be regarded as attractive.
Aim to get yourself a boyfriend that will help you / support you with your battle against anorexia.
A guy that's competent at nutrition, food shopping and cooking might be one type of ideal guy for you. A guy that's good at understanding the real you and is an emotional rock in a positive way would be another type of guy that would be ideal for you.
Don't worry about your lack of experience at kissing etc. No reasonable person expects you to be competent at anything the first few times you do something. Being hopeless at something and getting better at it is all part of the journey. A journey that's magical and is a lot of fun.
And when a guy asks you personal questions, you don't have to give him a straight answer. It's fine if you deflect the question. Or give a silly answer. Remaining somewhat of a mystery and an enigma is fine.
Or if you prefer, it's also fine to open up and be vulnerable, with the expectation that he will open and be vulnerable too.
For the length of your next date with him, it's up to you. You could make it as short as 45 minutes. And when you hit that time limit you thank him for the great time together and either go on another instant date with him or you get up and go home and get on with the rest of your life till the next date.
No man is perfect. No woman is perfect. This guy you're seeing won't be perfect. You won't be perfect. All that matters is that each of you are good enough for each other. You have easily enough about you for you to be way more than good enough for him.
Reply 23
I never got professional help for my anorexia, the medication I was taking that made me gain like 10kg was for other reasons, so I still feel really fat and ugly tbh. I'm just worried that I won't be able to face him when I meet him because of the fact that I know he's seen and touched practically every inch of my body which no one has ever done before. And because I was SO SO SO intoxicated and bascially out of my mind and he was much much more sober than I was, it just now looking back dosen't feel so consensual and kind of grosses me out. I just think it might be a bit strange or hard meeting someone who has actually seen me fully naked and would probably remember it whereas I don't really. I'm worried it would be super awkward and I'd either freak out or laugh or do soemthign strange. And he's never fully seen me in the light or during the day and has only met me twice when he's sober but its been in the dark so I'm worried he'll see me and realise I'm super unnatractive and that will be obvious on his face and that will crush me. I am also worried that by 'date' he really just means to meet up for a bit and then will try to have sex again and I am such a people pleaser and have terrible boundaries that I will be super uncomfortable and not know what to do. I also don't even know what I want from him and what he wants from me. My first kiss was with him when I was super drunk (in my entire life I've only ever kissed him and its only ever been when I'm drunk) and it really made me doubt if I am even straight because honestly it felt gross and physcially like cold and numb and wet and weird. Or like if this is normal or not? or maybe I'm just not attracted to him? I feel like this has all gone so far without me even being present and I have no idea how it got to this stage? Like I've not really felt present this time, either feeling like some kind of passive observer or like this wasn't real life and was just a funny but at times scary joke. I am really just confused overall and Idk whats going on or how I feel.
I think I weirdly feel trapped and I'm not sure why. I don't think he even wants to be my bf or anything but I think the idea that no matter what happens we'll still be in the same city for 3 years of uni just feels weird and awkward and the fact that he's a real human being who has memories and feelings and will actually be affected by my actions feels weird. Like what if he does something later on, like gets me slut shamed or takes pictures or something while I'm drunk?
And the fact that If I ghosted him now or ran or even contuinue would actually affect him and if this became serious or he was my bf id just feel responsible for his feelings? Like im barely struggling to look after myself and stay alive how could I manage someone else? I always grew up thinking I'd love to be held and loved and have someone there for me so now I'm confused.
Also what do you think he wants? He texted me once when he was drunk essentially saying 'listen I like you, but be careful, I don't have feelings yet, but if we do stuff sober things could be veryyy different' like idk what tf that means? like is he having to force himself to like me? what does feelings mean? and stuff is that referring to sex? and very different? like what he wants to date me at some point? he also joked about not having a university girlfriend yet what does that mean?
sorry for all that im just so confuse dand tired and tbh kind of wish none of it happened im just tired.
I think I weirdly feel trapped and I'm not sure why. I don't think he even wants to be my bf or anything but I think the idea that no matter what happens we'll still be in the same city for 3 years of uni just feels weird and awkward and the fact that he's a real human being who has memories and feelings and will actually be affected by my actions feels weird. Like what if he does something later on, like gets me slut shamed or takes pictures or something while I'm drunk?
And the fact that If I ghosted him now or ran or even contuinue would actually affect him and if this became serious or he was my bf id just feel responsible for his feelings? Like im barely struggling to look after myself and stay alive how could I manage someone else? I always grew up thinking I'd love to be held and loved and have someone there for me so now I'm confused.
Also what do you think he wants? He texted me once when he was drunk essentially saying 'listen I like you, but be careful, I don't have feelings yet, but if we do stuff sober things could be veryyy different' like idk what tf that means? like is he having to force himself to like me? what does feelings mean? and stuff is that referring to sex? and very different? like what he wants to date me at some point? he also joked about not having a university girlfriend yet what does that mean?
sorry for all that im just so confuse dand tired and tbh kind of wish none of it happened im just tired.
Reply 24
Less thinking about stuff! More doing!
Falling in love can feel unreal. That's part of the magic of it. It can be unlike anything else you've ever done. It can be outside your comfort zone. It can feel weird.
That's all fine. It's part of the rich tapestry of your life.
I think that it's most likely that this guy would like to have a girlfriend. And that over the last few weeks he's been seeing you as the best candidate for that.
He would love to make love with you.
He is highly attracted to you body. And he will continue to be attracted to it. Including when he's sober, you're sober, you're naked and it's full daylight. It's an automatic thing. Your young body with your BMI of 23 IS highly attractive.
Kisses don't have to be cold and wet and numb. They can be dry and warm and packed with physical, mental and spiritual feeling. Aim to make your next kiss such a kiss.
There is something amazingly nice about being hugged by someone that you care for and that cares for you.
As well as having your back massaged. Or your head or the back of your neck gently stroked.
It's hypnotic. That makes it "weird". Or unprecedented if you've not done them before. And also wonderful and lovely.
You deserve to have these wonderful and lovely elements added to your life this January.
Don't worry about the day that you will dump your boyfriend. That day will be preceded by dozens or hundreds or thousands of days where the 2 of you are in love. Meaning that the good days by far outweigh the bad day. So focus on the good, rather than the bad.
Falling in love can feel unreal. That's part of the magic of it. It can be unlike anything else you've ever done. It can be outside your comfort zone. It can feel weird.
That's all fine. It's part of the rich tapestry of your life.
I think that it's most likely that this guy would like to have a girlfriend. And that over the last few weeks he's been seeing you as the best candidate for that.
He would love to make love with you.
He is highly attracted to you body. And he will continue to be attracted to it. Including when he's sober, you're sober, you're naked and it's full daylight. It's an automatic thing. Your young body with your BMI of 23 IS highly attractive.
Kisses don't have to be cold and wet and numb. They can be dry and warm and packed with physical, mental and spiritual feeling. Aim to make your next kiss such a kiss.
There is something amazingly nice about being hugged by someone that you care for and that cares for you.
As well as having your back massaged. Or your head or the back of your neck gently stroked.
It's hypnotic. That makes it "weird". Or unprecedented if you've not done them before. And also wonderful and lovely.
You deserve to have these wonderful and lovely elements added to your life this January.
Don't worry about the day that you will dump your boyfriend. That day will be preceded by dozens or hundreds or thousands of days where the 2 of you are in love. Meaning that the good days by far outweigh the bad day. So focus on the good, rather than the bad.
Reply 25
Original post
by reddy12protein is super important, especially eggs and chicken, there is NO disadvantage to having meats. do research if u dont believe me.
adding tablets as a substitute is NOT viable and wouldnt be sustainable on it's own.
had to make a student room account to make this comment oh my days
Don't mindlessly listen to ppl like this, his other advice is pretty solid.
adding tablets as a substitute is NOT viable and wouldnt be sustainable on it's own.
had to make a student room account to make this comment oh my days
Don't mindlessly listen to ppl like this, his other advice is pretty solid.
yeah i was just about to say this as well. Thank you for doing this. Pls do your research. You dont have to cut everything out of your diet
Reply 26
Original post
by Dunnig KrugerLess thinking about stuff! More doing!
Falling in love can feel unreal. That's part of the magic of it. It can be unlike anything else you've ever done. It can be outside your comfort zone. It can feel weird.
That's all fine. It's part of the rich tapestry of your life.
I think that it's most likely that this guy would like to have a girlfriend. And that over the last few weeks he's been seeing you as the best candidate for that.
He would love to make love with you.
He is highly attracted to you body. And he will continue to be attracted to it. Including when he's sober, you're sober, you're naked and it's full daylight. It's an automatic thing. Your young body with your BMI of 23 IS highly attractive.
Kisses don't have to be cold and wet and numb. They can be dry and warm and packed with physical, mental and spiritual feeling. Aim to make your next kiss such a kiss.
There is something amazingly nice about being hugged by someone that you care for and that cares for you.
As well as having your back massaged. Or your head or the back of your neck gently stroked.
It's hypnotic. That makes it "weird". Or unprecedented if you've not done them before. And also wonderful and lovely.
You deserve to have these wonderful and lovely elements added to your life this January.
Don't worry about the day that you will dump your boyfriend. That day will be preceded by dozens or hundreds or thousands of days where the 2 of you are in love. Meaning that the good days by far outweigh the bad day. So focus on the good, rather than the bad.
Falling in love can feel unreal. That's part of the magic of it. It can be unlike anything else you've ever done. It can be outside your comfort zone. It can feel weird.
That's all fine. It's part of the rich tapestry of your life.
I think that it's most likely that this guy would like to have a girlfriend. And that over the last few weeks he's been seeing you as the best candidate for that.
He would love to make love with you.
He is highly attracted to you body. And he will continue to be attracted to it. Including when he's sober, you're sober, you're naked and it's full daylight. It's an automatic thing. Your young body with your BMI of 23 IS highly attractive.
Kisses don't have to be cold and wet and numb. They can be dry and warm and packed with physical, mental and spiritual feeling. Aim to make your next kiss such a kiss.
There is something amazingly nice about being hugged by someone that you care for and that cares for you.
As well as having your back massaged. Or your head or the back of your neck gently stroked.
It's hypnotic. That makes it "weird". Or unprecedented if you've not done them before. And also wonderful and lovely.
You deserve to have these wonderful and lovely elements added to your life this January.
Don't worry about the day that you will dump your boyfriend. That day will be preceded by dozens or hundreds or thousands of days where the 2 of you are in love. Meaning that the good days by far outweigh the bad day. So focus on the good, rather than the bad.
Thanks so much for your reply. But what do I do to prepare for the first date? I've never been on one and have no idea what to expect, especially since all dating advice is really geared around people who have already been on a first date and are at a much older age where relationships are more serious. I am 18 (almost 19) and he has just turned 19 so what can I expect from this? Like we're obviously so young that it's not going to be very formal etc, like it's not really going to be an adult date I guess more like 'hanging out', but what should I expect from this? Should I have sex on the first date, or does that set a bad precedent that shows that I don't want anything more meaningful from this in a future eg a relationship? It will be weird as he rememebers meeting me many times but I've been so drunk I barely even remember and have no idea what he looks like. Please can you give me any and all advice you can?
Also how do I tell when we first meet sober, if he is dissapointed with the way I look as we've met drunk a lot and I know that when you're drunk you think people are more attracted than they really are. Like what physical/emotional/conversation cues should I pick up on to see if he's dissapointed nad thinks I'm fat etc. And how physical are first dates usually, like holding hands and kissing? What if he dosent hold hands or kiss? What if he goes further and wants sex?
How do I tell if he's disapointed in the way I look, but is continuing with this just as I'm an easy way to get sex without much effort and having to seek someone out, as apparently teenage boys always want sex. I've heard that you should never agree to go on a date if the plan is being made that day, you should agree to something scheduled a few days in the future and then go to that instead. Do I need to follow this advice?
He told me he wants to see where things go, and joked about not having a university girlfriend yet. How do I know if he really actually wants something from this or not. And I honestly don't think I'm emotionally mature or physcially prepared for any of this, it just totally blindsided me and came as a huge superise as I wasn't expecting anything and it feels unreal everything thats happened, like I've been so drunk I know the facts of what happened but I don't actually really remember it like I dont even know what kissing is meant to feel like or how it properly felt and I havent had any interactions sober so idk. Sorry for the messy rant I just really need help!
Also what should I wear for the first date? And how do i gently draw boundaries wihtout arousing suspicion? He may want to walk me back to my college after the date which is happening in the evening probably, but I need to discourage this becuase if my friends see him I am DEAD as they misunderstood the situaiton and think he raped me adn wont listen. And if he comes to my college there will be an expectatin of sex and I don't think I'm ready for that, but I feel like I'm just leading him on.
Reply 27
To prepare for your first date, all you need to do is to put on some clothes that meet the legal minimum standards. And you leave your home to get there on time. If you're going to be late by more than 20 minutes (eg because the bus got cancelled) phone him and let him know.
That's it. If you read S Argov's book, Why Men Love *****es, that goes into all the really good reasons why you shouldn't go out of your way to try to impress men. Being the real you - in a clever way - is the way to go. And by a clever way, that means that you're great company when you're with him. Positive, enthusiastic, good mood, fun loving. With you also being assertive. Telling him - in a diplomatic way - if he says or does something you fundamentally disagree with. Not going out your way to put on special clothes that you'd think he'd like. The same with your hair, make-up, nails etc.
An informal date - sober - with him would be perfect. EG game of pool in the student bar. Or a bar meal with water and a chat in Wetherspoons. Or a visit to a tourist attraction with you chatting as you go round it.
Sex on the first date. Entirely up to you. Contraception is essential. If at the end of the first date you want sex with him, go ahead and see if he wants sex too (he almost certainly will. You're an attractive young woman). If you don't want sex, don't.
Don't make your decision on sex based on what you think he wants, make it based 100% on what you want.
It may be impossible for you to know for 100% sure what he's thinking and feeling. With observation and empathy and some experience it's possible to know - at times - for 98% sure what someone's thinking and feeling. So that's the best you can do. Observe him, use empathy to put yourself in their mind and body, and gain experience.
I think there's a high chance that this guy would love to be your boyfriend.
It's fine if you throw in a few things into the conversation to qualify or assess him. To determine if he should be your boyfriend.
EG "What do you have going for you, apart from your looks and ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol?"
"If 2025 were to be an ideal year and we were to chat about your year in January 2026, what you be telling me about the highlights of your year?"
"What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? And if you tell me it was when you cheated on a maths test when you were 13, I'm outta here!"
You should assume that he likes how you look a lot. Until proven otherwise.
For the clothes that you wear, you could go down the route of thinking what would a very high status woman wear?
Going forward there's 2 main sources of clothes you should go for: charity shop clothes. For the low price.
Bespoke clothes. Made to measure. From natural fabrics. For the quality of fit to you and quality of materials.
Socks and underwear are the exception to this. Buying them new from Primark, TK Maxx etc is fine.
Baggy scruffy clothes don't really fit the bill as that comes over as you not being confident in who and what you are.
Smart properly fitting clothes come across as you respecting yourself and being proud of what you are.
If all you've got is baggy clothes, don't sweat it for this upcoming date. Just wear what you've got.
But when you go clothes shopping in the future have the high status woman image in your mind.
The definition of properly fitting is "tight whilst still able to move freely".
You can use typical female lines like "You can come to my college, but there's no expectation of sex. OK?"
If you want him to come back to your college, do so. Hold your head high and be unapologetic.
If your friends try to guilt you about doing this, just look them in the eye and smile, as you tell them "I was wrong about this guy. And you're wrong about him too. He's actually not too bad."
The bit about never going on dates planned that day is nonsense. Instant dates are fine. Spontaneous dates are fine. Pre-planned dates are fine. The main thing is who you're on a date with.
And above all - try to stop thinking so much about him and this upcoming date. Just go ahead and do it. With it fitting in with all the other important stuff in your life.
Less fear, less stressing, more forging ahead with your life and enjoying it moment by moment, day by day.
That's it. If you read S Argov's book, Why Men Love *****es, that goes into all the really good reasons why you shouldn't go out of your way to try to impress men. Being the real you - in a clever way - is the way to go. And by a clever way, that means that you're great company when you're with him. Positive, enthusiastic, good mood, fun loving. With you also being assertive. Telling him - in a diplomatic way - if he says or does something you fundamentally disagree with. Not going out your way to put on special clothes that you'd think he'd like. The same with your hair, make-up, nails etc.
An informal date - sober - with him would be perfect. EG game of pool in the student bar. Or a bar meal with water and a chat in Wetherspoons. Or a visit to a tourist attraction with you chatting as you go round it.
Sex on the first date. Entirely up to you. Contraception is essential. If at the end of the first date you want sex with him, go ahead and see if he wants sex too (he almost certainly will. You're an attractive young woman). If you don't want sex, don't.
Don't make your decision on sex based on what you think he wants, make it based 100% on what you want.
It may be impossible for you to know for 100% sure what he's thinking and feeling. With observation and empathy and some experience it's possible to know - at times - for 98% sure what someone's thinking and feeling. So that's the best you can do. Observe him, use empathy to put yourself in their mind and body, and gain experience.
I think there's a high chance that this guy would love to be your boyfriend.
It's fine if you throw in a few things into the conversation to qualify or assess him. To determine if he should be your boyfriend.
EG "What do you have going for you, apart from your looks and ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol?"
"If 2025 were to be an ideal year and we were to chat about your year in January 2026, what you be telling me about the highlights of your year?"
"What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? And if you tell me it was when you cheated on a maths test when you were 13, I'm outta here!"
You should assume that he likes how you look a lot. Until proven otherwise.
For the clothes that you wear, you could go down the route of thinking what would a very high status woman wear?
Going forward there's 2 main sources of clothes you should go for: charity shop clothes. For the low price.
Bespoke clothes. Made to measure. From natural fabrics. For the quality of fit to you and quality of materials.
Socks and underwear are the exception to this. Buying them new from Primark, TK Maxx etc is fine.
Baggy scruffy clothes don't really fit the bill as that comes over as you not being confident in who and what you are.
Smart properly fitting clothes come across as you respecting yourself and being proud of what you are.
If all you've got is baggy clothes, don't sweat it for this upcoming date. Just wear what you've got.
But when you go clothes shopping in the future have the high status woman image in your mind.
The definition of properly fitting is "tight whilst still able to move freely".
You can use typical female lines like "You can come to my college, but there's no expectation of sex. OK?"
If you want him to come back to your college, do so. Hold your head high and be unapologetic.
If your friends try to guilt you about doing this, just look them in the eye and smile, as you tell them "I was wrong about this guy. And you're wrong about him too. He's actually not too bad."
The bit about never going on dates planned that day is nonsense. Instant dates are fine. Spontaneous dates are fine. Pre-planned dates are fine. The main thing is who you're on a date with.
And above all - try to stop thinking so much about him and this upcoming date. Just go ahead and do it. With it fitting in with all the other important stuff in your life.
Less fear, less stressing, more forging ahead with your life and enjoying it moment by moment, day by day.
Reply 28
Original post
by Dunnig KrugerTo prepare for your first date, all you need to do is to put on some clothes that meet the legal minimum standards. And you leave your home to get there on time. If you're going to be late by more than 20 minutes (eg because the bus got cancelled) phone him and let him know.
That's it. If you read S Argov's book, Why Men Love *****es, that goes into all the really good reasons why you shouldn't go out of your way to try to impress men. Being the real you - in a clever way - is the way to go. And by a clever way, that means that you're great company when you're with him. Positive, enthusiastic, good mood, fun loving. With you also being assertive. Telling him - in a diplomatic way - if he says or does something you fundamentally disagree with. Not going out your way to put on special clothes that you'd think he'd like. The same with your hair, make-up, nails etc.
An informal date - sober - with him would be perfect. EG game of pool in the student bar. Or a bar meal with water and a chat in Wetherspoons. Or a visit to a tourist attraction with you chatting as you go round it.
Sex on the first date. Entirely up to you. Contraception is essential. If at the end of the first date you want sex with him, go ahead and see if he wants sex too (he almost certainly will. You're an attractive young woman). If you don't want sex, don't.
Don't make your decision on sex based on what you think he wants, make it based 100% on what you want.
It may be impossible for you to know for 100% sure what he's thinking and feeling. With observation and empathy and some experience it's possible to know - at times - for 98% sure what someone's thinking and feeling. So that's the best you can do. Observe him, use empathy to put yourself in their mind and body, and gain experience.
I think there's a high chance that this guy would love to be your boyfriend.
It's fine if you throw in a few things into the conversation to qualify or assess him. To determine if he should be your boyfriend.
EG "What do you have going for you, apart from your looks and ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol?"
"If 2025 were to be an ideal year and we were to chat about your year in January 2026, what you be telling me about the highlights of your year?"
"What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? And if you tell me it was when you cheated on a maths test when you were 13, I'm outta here!"
You should assume that he likes how you look a lot. Until proven otherwise.
For the clothes that you wear, you could go down the route of thinking what would a very high status woman wear?
Going forward there's 2 main sources of clothes you should go for: charity shop clothes. For the low price.
Bespoke clothes. Made to measure. From natural fabrics. For the quality of fit to you and quality of materials.
Socks and underwear are the exception to this. Buying them new from Primark, TK Maxx etc is fine.
Baggy scruffy clothes don't really fit the bill as that comes over as you not being confident in who and what you are.
Smart properly fitting clothes come across as you respecting yourself and being proud of what you are.
If all you've got is baggy clothes, don't sweat it for this upcoming date. Just wear what you've got.
But when you go clothes shopping in the future have the high status woman image in your mind.
The definition of properly fitting is "tight whilst still able to move freely".
You can use typical female lines like "You can come to my college, but there's no expectation of sex. OK?"
If you want him to come back to your college, do so. Hold your head high and be unapologetic.
If your friends try to guilt you about doing this, just look them in the eye and smile, as you tell them "I was wrong about this guy. And you're wrong about him too. He's actually not too bad."
The bit about never going on dates planned that day is nonsense. Instant dates are fine. Spontaneous dates are fine. Pre-planned dates are fine. The main thing is who you're on a date with.
And above all - try to stop thinking so much about him and this upcoming date. Just go ahead and do it. With it fitting in with all the other important stuff in your life.
Less fear, less stressing, more forging ahead with your life and enjoying it moment by moment, day by day.
That's it. If you read S Argov's book, Why Men Love *****es, that goes into all the really good reasons why you shouldn't go out of your way to try to impress men. Being the real you - in a clever way - is the way to go. And by a clever way, that means that you're great company when you're with him. Positive, enthusiastic, good mood, fun loving. With you also being assertive. Telling him - in a diplomatic way - if he says or does something you fundamentally disagree with. Not going out your way to put on special clothes that you'd think he'd like. The same with your hair, make-up, nails etc.
An informal date - sober - with him would be perfect. EG game of pool in the student bar. Or a bar meal with water and a chat in Wetherspoons. Or a visit to a tourist attraction with you chatting as you go round it.
Sex on the first date. Entirely up to you. Contraception is essential. If at the end of the first date you want sex with him, go ahead and see if he wants sex too (he almost certainly will. You're an attractive young woman). If you don't want sex, don't.
Don't make your decision on sex based on what you think he wants, make it based 100% on what you want.
It may be impossible for you to know for 100% sure what he's thinking and feeling. With observation and empathy and some experience it's possible to know - at times - for 98% sure what someone's thinking and feeling. So that's the best you can do. Observe him, use empathy to put yourself in their mind and body, and gain experience.
I think there's a high chance that this guy would love to be your boyfriend.
It's fine if you throw in a few things into the conversation to qualify or assess him. To determine if he should be your boyfriend.
EG "What do you have going for you, apart from your looks and ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol?"
"If 2025 were to be an ideal year and we were to chat about your year in January 2026, what you be telling me about the highlights of your year?"
"What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? And if you tell me it was when you cheated on a maths test when you were 13, I'm outta here!"
You should assume that he likes how you look a lot. Until proven otherwise.
For the clothes that you wear, you could go down the route of thinking what would a very high status woman wear?
Going forward there's 2 main sources of clothes you should go for: charity shop clothes. For the low price.
Bespoke clothes. Made to measure. From natural fabrics. For the quality of fit to you and quality of materials.
Socks and underwear are the exception to this. Buying them new from Primark, TK Maxx etc is fine.
Baggy scruffy clothes don't really fit the bill as that comes over as you not being confident in who and what you are.
Smart properly fitting clothes come across as you respecting yourself and being proud of what you are.
If all you've got is baggy clothes, don't sweat it for this upcoming date. Just wear what you've got.
But when you go clothes shopping in the future have the high status woman image in your mind.
The definition of properly fitting is "tight whilst still able to move freely".
You can use typical female lines like "You can come to my college, but there's no expectation of sex. OK?"
If you want him to come back to your college, do so. Hold your head high and be unapologetic.
If your friends try to guilt you about doing this, just look them in the eye and smile, as you tell them "I was wrong about this guy. And you're wrong about him too. He's actually not too bad."
The bit about never going on dates planned that day is nonsense. Instant dates are fine. Spontaneous dates are fine. Pre-planned dates are fine. The main thing is who you're on a date with.
And above all - try to stop thinking so much about him and this upcoming date. Just go ahead and do it. With it fitting in with all the other important stuff in your life.
Less fear, less stressing, more forging ahead with your life and enjoying it moment by moment, day by day.
Thanks so much this is all incredibly helpful.
We've both been back at uni and this is our 3rd or fourth day back and we've had exams but he has been texting. Tonight we both have SEPERATE parties so we will both be very very drunk. If he drunk texts me to come over is this a bad sign, and does it show he only wants me for sex as he hasn't asked me to meet him yet this term, so does this mean he only sees me as someone to get sex from on nights he's drunk? And if he dosen't drunk text me and ask me to come over, is this a bad sign that he's bored of me as I never have sex when I go over? If he does ask me, will going over set a bad precedent for the start of this term that I will only meet him for sexual stuff? He has met me when HE was sober and I was drunk, so I'm assuming he sort of knows what I look like, but it was in the dark so Idk. Assuming he's still interested for whatever reason, I am really nervous to meet him sober for the first time this term, so a part of me is really hoping I can just meet him drunk first as that seems like a safer/less stressful option for me to get back into this and then the next time we can meet sober. I know that seems messed up but idk what I should do.
Also just to note that everyone of my friends from last term at uni have decided to bully me so i have been EXTREMELY lonely and isolated so I don't want this to affect my situation with him in the sense of me becoming too clingy or oversharing EVEN MORE. I've decided I will be very careful when I am drunk and not drunk text him asking if I can go over, and only drunk text him back if he starts drunk texting me first.
Sorry for the massive rant but I guess this is my main question:
•
If he drunk texts me to come over is this bad, meaning he only sees me for the chance to have sex
•
If he drunk texts me just nonsense and nothing about liking me or wanting me to come over is this bad, or is he just trying to play it cool
•
If he dosen't drunk text at all is this bad? he usually drunk texts me when he's intoxicated from the day we've met
I need to be blackout drunk to be fun to meet him but I don't want him thinking I'm an alcoholic or an addict or some ugly tragic mess. and when I wake up in the morning, I look ugly, fat, my hairs a mess, makeups smudged, contacts have fallen out so I can't see and because of this I can't read facial expressions as my visions bad but I swear he's colder and mroe like dissapointed I guess in the morning when I am a mess and hungover and he's fully sober again. Oh wait so he has seen me when he's sober every morning that I was there, but what does this mean?
Sorry it's all such a mess but I don't like being alone and he's comforting in a weird but scary way.
Reply 29
Original post
by AnonymousThanks so much this is all incredibly helpful.
We've both been back at uni and this is our 3rd or fourth day back and we've had exams but he has been texting. Tonight we both have SEPERATE parties so we will both be very very drunk. If he drunk texts me to come over is this a bad sign, and does it show he only wants me for sex as he hasn't asked me to meet him yet this term, so does this mean he only sees me as someone to get sex from on nights he's drunk? And if he dosen't drunk text me and ask me to come over, is this a bad sign that he's bored of me as I never have sex when I go over? If he does ask me, will going over set a bad precedent for the start of this term that I will only meet him for sexual stuff? He has met me when HE was sober and I was drunk, so I'm assuming he sort of knows what I look like, but it was in the dark so Idk. Assuming he's still interested for whatever reason, I am really nervous to meet him sober for the first time this term, so a part of me is really hoping I can just meet him drunk first as that seems like a safer/less stressful option for me to get back into this and then the next time we can meet sober. I know that seems messed up but idk what I should do.
Also just to note that everyone of my friends from last term at uni have decided to bully me so i have been EXTREMELY lonely and isolated so I don't want this to affect my situation with him in the sense of me becoming too clingy or oversharing EVEN MORE. I've decided I will be very careful when I am drunk and not drunk text him asking if I can go over, and only drunk text him back if he starts drunk texting me first.
Sorry for the massive rant but I guess this is my main question:
I am also realising just how fat I am and how unprepared I am to have sex. I know he's seen me naked before, but I am even more self-concious now. I am fine to have sex it's just the actual embarrasement of him seeing my naked body that I struggle with, I've been drunk every time but even then I feel so embarrased of my body. When I am drunk I literally do not have A SINGLE THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN like my ability to think completely dies to the point I even forget my name. So if when I am drunk I still feel a tiny bit self-concious in a state that I am not able to even use my brain, then how bad will I feel if I am even slightly less blackout drunk?
I need to be blackout drunk to be fun to meet him but I don't want him thinking I'm an alcoholic or an addict or some ugly tragic mess. and when I wake up in the morning, I look ugly, fat, my hairs a mess, makeups smudged, contacts have fallen out so I can't see and because of this I can't read facial expressions as my visions bad but I swear he's colder and mroe like dissapointed I guess in the morning when I am a mess and hungover and he's fully sober again. Oh wait so he has seen me when he's sober every morning that I was there, but what does this mean?
Sorry it's all such a mess but I don't like being alone and he's comforting in a weird but scary way.
We've both been back at uni and this is our 3rd or fourth day back and we've had exams but he has been texting. Tonight we both have SEPERATE parties so we will both be very very drunk. If he drunk texts me to come over is this a bad sign, and does it show he only wants me for sex as he hasn't asked me to meet him yet this term, so does this mean he only sees me as someone to get sex from on nights he's drunk? And if he dosen't drunk text me and ask me to come over, is this a bad sign that he's bored of me as I never have sex when I go over? If he does ask me, will going over set a bad precedent for the start of this term that I will only meet him for sexual stuff? He has met me when HE was sober and I was drunk, so I'm assuming he sort of knows what I look like, but it was in the dark so Idk. Assuming he's still interested for whatever reason, I am really nervous to meet him sober for the first time this term, so a part of me is really hoping I can just meet him drunk first as that seems like a safer/less stressful option for me to get back into this and then the next time we can meet sober. I know that seems messed up but idk what I should do.
Also just to note that everyone of my friends from last term at uni have decided to bully me so i have been EXTREMELY lonely and isolated so I don't want this to affect my situation with him in the sense of me becoming too clingy or oversharing EVEN MORE. I've decided I will be very careful when I am drunk and not drunk text him asking if I can go over, and only drunk text him back if he starts drunk texting me first.
Sorry for the massive rant but I guess this is my main question:
•
If he drunk texts me to come over is this bad, meaning he only sees me for the chance to have sex
•
If he drunk texts me just nonsense and nothing about liking me or wanting me to come over is this bad, or is he just trying to play it cool
•
If he dosen't drunk text at all is this bad? he usually drunk texts me when he's intoxicated from the day we've met
I need to be blackout drunk to be fun to meet him but I don't want him thinking I'm an alcoholic or an addict or some ugly tragic mess. and when I wake up in the morning, I look ugly, fat, my hairs a mess, makeups smudged, contacts have fallen out so I can't see and because of this I can't read facial expressions as my visions bad but I swear he's colder and mroe like dissapointed I guess in the morning when I am a mess and hungover and he's fully sober again. Oh wait so he has seen me when he's sober every morning that I was there, but what does this mean?
Sorry it's all such a mess but I don't like being alone and he's comforting in a weird but scary way.
Also so sorry forgot to mention:
I think I want a relationship with him rather than a friends with benefits/situationship
Like I want the silly little romance, and hand holding and going on dates and getting given flowers and asked out etc, I don't know how to tell if that' what he wants and I think I keep self-sabotaging as he asked me on a date many times last term and I made up excuses not to go because I was scared so I didn't go and I regret it
I want all of this and to not be afraid to do it. but i dont know what he wants.
Reply 30
If he drunk texts me to come over is this bad, meaning he only sees me for the chance to have sex
The drunk text invitation is neither good nor bad.
By far the most important thing is how you and him get on when you're together in person.
Anything else is either a means to make the 2 of you get together or it's each of you getting on with your lives.
I wouldn't blame him one bit for wanting to have sex with you. You are a very attractive young woman.
I wouldn't blame him one bit for wanting to have a lovey dovey romantic relationship - as you come over as the sort of person that would be great to have this type of relationship with.
If he drunk texts me just nonsense and nothing about liking me or wanting me to come over is this bad, or is he just trying to play it cool
It's neither good nor bad. It's just drunk texting from him.
If he dosen't drunk text at all is this bad? he usually drunk texts me when he's intoxicated from the day we've met
I'd say that it's good. As it would indicate that he's having a great time at the party. And that's the sort of guy that you want. One that can go to social events and have a great time.
Even better if he can do it sober. As that demonstrates good social skills.
I've said this before in this thread, but it's well worth repeating and hammering home.
Please, please, please get into the habit of going out and drinking no alcohol. Or at the very most 1 pint of beer, or 1 glass of wine, or 1 double shot and then being extremely disciplined and drinking only water after that.
For all the reasons I mentioned earlier.
You would make me really proud of you if you went to the party tonight and drank water only.
Your friends from last term, what's the nature of the bullying?
If it's nasty stuff like breaking into your room, report their behaviour.
If it's mild stuff, like snarky remarks, there are ways to deal with this by you being assertive in the right kinds of ways - which will have a reasonable chance of turning them round and getting their respect.
You do NOT need to be blackout drunk to be fun to meet him.
You the real you, stone cold sober, are a great prize. Or you have the potential to be a great prize. If this guy can't get on really well with you when you're sober, then you shouldn't embark on a relationship with him.
If this guy can't help you relax and bring out the best side of you when you're sober then you shouldn't be with him. There's a thing called chemistry. And if there's no chemistry between the 2 of you when you're sober then your relationship is a dead duck.
If your relationship is a dead duck, there's thousands of other guys at your uni with whom you might have great chemistry.
From what you've told us, you do appear to be socially alcohol dependent.
Where it's an automatic thing for you to get drunk at parties and nights out.
The sooner you kick this habit the better.
Discipline!
The drunk text invitation is neither good nor bad.
By far the most important thing is how you and him get on when you're together in person.
Anything else is either a means to make the 2 of you get together or it's each of you getting on with your lives.
I wouldn't blame him one bit for wanting to have sex with you. You are a very attractive young woman.
I wouldn't blame him one bit for wanting to have a lovey dovey romantic relationship - as you come over as the sort of person that would be great to have this type of relationship with.
If he drunk texts me just nonsense and nothing about liking me or wanting me to come over is this bad, or is he just trying to play it cool
It's neither good nor bad. It's just drunk texting from him.
If he dosen't drunk text at all is this bad? he usually drunk texts me when he's intoxicated from the day we've met
I'd say that it's good. As it would indicate that he's having a great time at the party. And that's the sort of guy that you want. One that can go to social events and have a great time.
Even better if he can do it sober. As that demonstrates good social skills.
I've said this before in this thread, but it's well worth repeating and hammering home.
Please, please, please get into the habit of going out and drinking no alcohol. Or at the very most 1 pint of beer, or 1 glass of wine, or 1 double shot and then being extremely disciplined and drinking only water after that.
For all the reasons I mentioned earlier.
You would make me really proud of you if you went to the party tonight and drank water only.
Your friends from last term, what's the nature of the bullying?
If it's nasty stuff like breaking into your room, report their behaviour.
If it's mild stuff, like snarky remarks, there are ways to deal with this by you being assertive in the right kinds of ways - which will have a reasonable chance of turning them round and getting their respect.
You do NOT need to be blackout drunk to be fun to meet him.
You the real you, stone cold sober, are a great prize. Or you have the potential to be a great prize. If this guy can't get on really well with you when you're sober, then you shouldn't embark on a relationship with him.
If this guy can't help you relax and bring out the best side of you when you're sober then you shouldn't be with him. There's a thing called chemistry. And if there's no chemistry between the 2 of you when you're sober then your relationship is a dead duck.
If your relationship is a dead duck, there's thousands of other guys at your uni with whom you might have great chemistry.
From what you've told us, you do appear to be socially alcohol dependent.
Where it's an automatic thing for you to get drunk at parties and nights out.
The sooner you kick this habit the better.
Discipline!
Reply 31
OP a thought: are you ready for Oxford? You might be able to rusticate and return in October. You appear to over-think situations, and to have various anxieties. Your eating disorder needs to be under control if you are to function well.
I agree with DK above re drinking. Social drinking is fine, but binge drinking and regular drunkenness are not. If you cannot maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol, or any other intoxicant, try to give it up. Booze and recreational drugs should not be used as medication or sedation.
The man you have been seeing does not sound like a terrible person. Caution is wise, but being open to new experiences is part of the stage of life you are going through.
If people really are bullying you, talk to the Dean of your college. But not all behaviour which upsets you is bullying.
In any event, talk to the welfare staff at your college.
I agree with DK above re drinking. Social drinking is fine, but binge drinking and regular drunkenness are not. If you cannot maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol, or any other intoxicant, try to give it up. Booze and recreational drugs should not be used as medication or sedation.
The man you have been seeing does not sound like a terrible person. Caution is wise, but being open to new experiences is part of the stage of life you are going through.
If people really are bullying you, talk to the Dean of your college. But not all behaviour which upsets you is bullying.
In any event, talk to the welfare staff at your college.
(edited 1 year ago)
Reply 32
Original post
by AnonymousWe haven’t actually had sex yet as I always either pass out or pretend to before we have sex. How do I know if he genuinely likes me or if he’s just using me for sex as at some point we will end up having sex.
You need to stop getting so drunk.
Reply 33
Ok so I am back and the situation has become such a mess I really need help please!!
We're 5 weeks into term at uni. Last thursday I got super drunk (I had a whole bottle of wine in like 2 hours, equivalent to 10 units and I am a fairly small person adn new drinker). I went to the club and lost all the people I was with and didn't really know them well either. I was so out of my mind that I just sat and hysterically cried in the smokers area of the club (I would be MORTIFIED to cry sober in front of anyone), then somehow ended up texting him as he had been on a night out at the same club actually but I hadn't seen him and he had gone to his college. I started to walk towards his college and he came to get me and I had been out of my mind scared until I saw him and then I had the greatest feeling of relief in my entire life when I saw him, and it was the best feeling in the world seeing a familiar person after being that dead scared. He put his arm around me and we went back to his college and he offered me his clothes to wear instead of my club outfit and then helped me put it on because I was that drunk, then he told me to get into bed and we lay down and were going to go to sleep I think but ended up kissing and then sleeping a bit then kissing and foreplay and then sleeping a bit. It was so different this time, maybe it was just that I felt more comfortable with him, I'm honestly not sure at all what made it feel different, but I felt safer with him because I used to be scared of the sexual stuff and he also just seemed gentler and not as into having sex, or like I didn't feel pressured (he never pressured me but I just felt scared usually). He was fully happy to sleep but for some reason I have no idea why, maybe just becuase it felt like my choice fully, I had missed him and I was that drunk, but I was convinving him it was ok to have sex right then. He was also really drunk but was telling me about its ok for me to have boundaries and say no to poeple adn need to be careful adn look after myself etc (he knows i have an issue with saying no to people) and kept saying that if I didn['t remember it, it would be rape and that he wanted my first time having sex to be sober etc and I asked him about his first time and he said he remembered it etc, Idk how but somehow I think I convinced hima dn we started and it was super painful but I really really really enjoyed the feeling of being SO physcially close to someone. then it was so painful I think he decided we needed to stop adn I was sort of passing out so we just slept and in the mornign I left, but afain it felt a little bit gentler or nicer in the morning and for the first time after spending the night I didn't hysterically cry and I actually was fine and not feelign scared or awful abotui it all, more just suprised.
2 days later I was in the club and got kissed by 2 other guys (they sort of took me by surprise as I didn;t realise they werent just being friendly and realised too late so i didn;t move out of the way at the right time then was jsut drunk and shocked and felt confused so I just stood there adn kissed them back sort of confused but happy that I had kissed someone other than the other guy I keep spending the ngiht with because I had wanted to be able to see if I was straught or not becuase I had been slightly doubting it as all the kissing and stuff before dsigisted me, btu again it disgusted me with these 2 guys.
Then a week later I went to the club with my guy friend who I thought I was totally platonic with but tbh our friendhsip alwasu consisted fo joking around a lot and making fun of each other then pretending to be offended so maybe it was always flirting and I was just oblivious to all this? anyways so I had walked ot the club alone and was going to meet him there and we had been textign and he texted see you there or something and added an 'x' to the text which I thought may have been a tad odd but I brushed it off as typical british politeness or him being drunk. then I saw him in the queue and he hugged me and said he'd see me inside dan we'd get drinks. I went in then saw him later and he bought me and his friend a drink and we then drank together, ended up holdign hands to move through the club which I thought was normal club behaviour, then were dancing nex tot each other but again in a normal way like you would platonically in a club, then again more hand holding but it all seemed normal to me as we just continued with our normal arguing joking and fun dynamic. then he bought another drink and insisted on paying which I again thought he was just being a nice friend and that i'd pay for the next one. we then were talking and joking around and he made me pinkie promise to something (it was something silly but it meant that our hands were touching agian), then we ended up going outside and chatting again and we made a bet in which he said if I won I could 'do anything' to him which I was beginning to sense somethign a little different to usual but was still not sure. we just kept getting mroe and more comfortbale with each other and joking and arguing and insulting the other person and him being very sweet and concious of the fact that i was very very drunk and that he wanted to be respectful. i cant remember how but we kept getting mreo familair and i was then quite drunk and a bit tired and cold so we were sitting for ages with his arm around me and sort of like his other hand gently strokign my hand or whatever while we were chattign. at one point i pointed out a flower pin he was wearing and he immediately took it off and put it on my club top and made a joke and we laughed. then like kept moving closer and at times my head was on his chest or shoulder or just stuff like that and then he eventually kissed me and after lots of debate decided he wanted to do this all properly and that he was aware I was far too drunk adn he didnt know if I actually liked or wanted this or if it was just becuase I was FAR TOO DRUNK and he is also aware that I have no sense of saying no or boundaries. w echatted for ages and he kep letting me choose eg how long we stayed whether we were inside or outside and was super respectful adn aware of the situaiton with the other guy becuase when we were friends I told him a brief summary, but idk if he knows that it was still going on. anyways then we were queueuing for ages for his coat and I was just leaning on him with my eyes closed. also to note he came to the club with his friend who he then ditched for me and his friend kept saying he didn twant to 'interrupt' and before the kiss I kept thinking interrupt what? like i am clearly too naiive to tell which is bad i suppose. we then left the club and he offered me his coat ontop of my own but I said it was ok and that he would be cold. he insisted on walking me back to make sure I got there safely, adn the entire time kept jokingly calling me darling then swithcing to mate occasionally and holding my hand and saying it was cold and trying to warm it up, he then told me he wanted to take me on a date and do this properly and not rush into anything and if i wanted no matter what happened we'd still be friends. then we reached my college and there was no pressure or anythign for him to spedn the night and he was super respectufl and even sort of self-dismissed himself, but before he went we had bene talking about him asking me out. i had essentually drunkelyu said that I wouldnt text him first (Which he had suggested that I let him know im interested but id be too embarrased to do taht) and that he should just text me now. so we got into a silly but sweet thing where he was standing with me asking me waht he should text me in order to convince me to go on a date with him so I told him waht to say then he sent it. then we took my phone out and i got him to text himself back with my phone - i initally just replied haha sure to his date request then he pretended to be offerenced becaus eit wasnt supposed to be a funny quesiton adn my hands were too cold to text so he texted himself bakc which was funny, he then looked at me and said no and sighed and looked away adn i said what and he said he relaly wanted to kiss me (i think he was trying to be respectful about drunk boundaries) and then he kissed me adn made sure i was safe adn left. earlier in the night he said thet even if i didnt want to call it a date we could just 'hang out' becuase he wants to get to know me more as a person and made a joke that becuase i still had his flower pin we would have ot meet anyways for me to return it. then after about 30 minutes of him leaving (i think it took him that long to get home) he texted back saying he had bene really drunk earlier (referencing to the typos in his texts) but that he really wants me to say yes but its not the end of the world if I dont, nothing changes and that its all ok we can still be friends etc). so i replied and said yes (this sounds bad but i wanted ot do it for 'the plot' and i am also just curious about this and confused how this happened).
We agreed to meet at 3pm tomorrow - these are the options - late lunch, coffee, or an early drink/bar thing.
which is the best option? and what do I do now? I am engaging with both of these guys and technically it is well within my rights but I am so confused as to how I got here, I am totally lost on what to do and what I feel and what I want. I just want to meet them both sober (seperately obviously) and see but idk what to do here. I felt like I had such an emotional attatchemnt (proabnly unehalthy) with the first guy but loads of confusion adn such a sexual dynamic, whereas i was rlly good friends w the second guy and thought he was attractive for liek 5 mintues when w emet for the first time ever then totally got over it and now its confusing becuase idk hwo long hes had feelings or wahtever he 'fancies me' for. like with him its been more fun just because we talked and chatted and I knew him well and felt more comfortable.
I am TOTALLY AWARE that this drinking behaviour is NOT ACCEPTABLE and I have taken significant steps to fully reduce it and I am setting boundaries. so if I ever meet the first guy again it will NOT be for sex and with either of them no more clothes are coming off until I want to. but i am so conflicted as this second dynamic shift from friendship happened so quicjly and out of nowehre adn I almost didnt even go to the club with him, so it could have been so different. another thing is the second guy went on a few dates with my friend and ksised and cuddled her last term befire he ended it becuase he wanted to be just friends with her and didnt feel ready gor a realtionship but he says he feels readyh now and she also btw has a boyfriend now. but is this too messy and what should i do? i do want to go on the date with my friend but im just worried it will all be differet now becuase of the club night. i also think I might like the first guy but im not sure and just feel like a terrible person becuase this is really not like me at all. I'm half so invested in this drama like its a soap opera rather than my real life, but also feel weridly trapped but also shocked and excited by all this drama.
I forgot to mention but our date is at 3 tomorrow. at 8 we have another pub quiz which i have to menton is the event where i met both of them at the same time for the first time last term. i formed a friendship with the second guy which is clearly now different and then the first guy it immediately went to the more sexual or romantic part . but now if they are both there tomorrow i have no idea wtf to do, but i will definately be there. like what do i do??
also is it werid that the second guy was with my friend a bit, is that a red flag???? also about the date tomorrow i am sure he will pay but i dont like the feeling of owing poeple money so what do i do? is this nromal beucas ehw was very sweetly explaining to me when I am drunk that when a guy pays for you its just becuase he wants to and you dont owe him anything or need to reciprocate anything becuase tis his desicison etc.
TBH i just feel guilty, confused, superised, shocked becuase I swear I thought I would die without anyone ever likikng me, and I am a littel nervous for the date and also horrifyignly scared for the drama at the pub quiz if they'll both be there. please help!!!!!!!!!
We're 5 weeks into term at uni. Last thursday I got super drunk (I had a whole bottle of wine in like 2 hours, equivalent to 10 units and I am a fairly small person adn new drinker). I went to the club and lost all the people I was with and didn't really know them well either. I was so out of my mind that I just sat and hysterically cried in the smokers area of the club (I would be MORTIFIED to cry sober in front of anyone), then somehow ended up texting him as he had been on a night out at the same club actually but I hadn't seen him and he had gone to his college. I started to walk towards his college and he came to get me and I had been out of my mind scared until I saw him and then I had the greatest feeling of relief in my entire life when I saw him, and it was the best feeling in the world seeing a familiar person after being that dead scared. He put his arm around me and we went back to his college and he offered me his clothes to wear instead of my club outfit and then helped me put it on because I was that drunk, then he told me to get into bed and we lay down and were going to go to sleep I think but ended up kissing and then sleeping a bit then kissing and foreplay and then sleeping a bit. It was so different this time, maybe it was just that I felt more comfortable with him, I'm honestly not sure at all what made it feel different, but I felt safer with him because I used to be scared of the sexual stuff and he also just seemed gentler and not as into having sex, or like I didn't feel pressured (he never pressured me but I just felt scared usually). He was fully happy to sleep but for some reason I have no idea why, maybe just becuase it felt like my choice fully, I had missed him and I was that drunk, but I was convinving him it was ok to have sex right then. He was also really drunk but was telling me about its ok for me to have boundaries and say no to poeple adn need to be careful adn look after myself etc (he knows i have an issue with saying no to people) and kept saying that if I didn['t remember it, it would be rape and that he wanted my first time having sex to be sober etc and I asked him about his first time and he said he remembered it etc, Idk how but somehow I think I convinced hima dn we started and it was super painful but I really really really enjoyed the feeling of being SO physcially close to someone. then it was so painful I think he decided we needed to stop adn I was sort of passing out so we just slept and in the mornign I left, but afain it felt a little bit gentler or nicer in the morning and for the first time after spending the night I didn't hysterically cry and I actually was fine and not feelign scared or awful abotui it all, more just suprised.
2 days later I was in the club and got kissed by 2 other guys (they sort of took me by surprise as I didn;t realise they werent just being friendly and realised too late so i didn;t move out of the way at the right time then was jsut drunk and shocked and felt confused so I just stood there adn kissed them back sort of confused but happy that I had kissed someone other than the other guy I keep spending the ngiht with because I had wanted to be able to see if I was straught or not becuase I had been slightly doubting it as all the kissing and stuff before dsigisted me, btu again it disgusted me with these 2 guys.
Then a week later I went to the club with my guy friend who I thought I was totally platonic with but tbh our friendhsip alwasu consisted fo joking around a lot and making fun of each other then pretending to be offended so maybe it was always flirting and I was just oblivious to all this? anyways so I had walked ot the club alone and was going to meet him there and we had been textign and he texted see you there or something and added an 'x' to the text which I thought may have been a tad odd but I brushed it off as typical british politeness or him being drunk. then I saw him in the queue and he hugged me and said he'd see me inside dan we'd get drinks. I went in then saw him later and he bought me and his friend a drink and we then drank together, ended up holdign hands to move through the club which I thought was normal club behaviour, then were dancing nex tot each other but again in a normal way like you would platonically in a club, then again more hand holding but it all seemed normal to me as we just continued with our normal arguing joking and fun dynamic. then he bought another drink and insisted on paying which I again thought he was just being a nice friend and that i'd pay for the next one. we then were talking and joking around and he made me pinkie promise to something (it was something silly but it meant that our hands were touching agian), then we ended up going outside and chatting again and we made a bet in which he said if I won I could 'do anything' to him which I was beginning to sense somethign a little different to usual but was still not sure. we just kept getting mroe and more comfortbale with each other and joking and arguing and insulting the other person and him being very sweet and concious of the fact that i was very very drunk and that he wanted to be respectful. i cant remember how but we kept getting mreo familair and i was then quite drunk and a bit tired and cold so we were sitting for ages with his arm around me and sort of like his other hand gently strokign my hand or whatever while we were chattign. at one point i pointed out a flower pin he was wearing and he immediately took it off and put it on my club top and made a joke and we laughed. then like kept moving closer and at times my head was on his chest or shoulder or just stuff like that and then he eventually kissed me and after lots of debate decided he wanted to do this all properly and that he was aware I was far too drunk adn he didnt know if I actually liked or wanted this or if it was just becuase I was FAR TOO DRUNK and he is also aware that I have no sense of saying no or boundaries. w echatted for ages and he kep letting me choose eg how long we stayed whether we were inside or outside and was super respectful adn aware of the situaiton with the other guy becuase when we were friends I told him a brief summary, but idk if he knows that it was still going on. anyways then we were queueuing for ages for his coat and I was just leaning on him with my eyes closed. also to note he came to the club with his friend who he then ditched for me and his friend kept saying he didn twant to 'interrupt' and before the kiss I kept thinking interrupt what? like i am clearly too naiive to tell which is bad i suppose. we then left the club and he offered me his coat ontop of my own but I said it was ok and that he would be cold. he insisted on walking me back to make sure I got there safely, adn the entire time kept jokingly calling me darling then swithcing to mate occasionally and holding my hand and saying it was cold and trying to warm it up, he then told me he wanted to take me on a date and do this properly and not rush into anything and if i wanted no matter what happened we'd still be friends. then we reached my college and there was no pressure or anythign for him to spedn the night and he was super respectufl and even sort of self-dismissed himself, but before he went we had bene talking about him asking me out. i had essentually drunkelyu said that I wouldnt text him first (Which he had suggested that I let him know im interested but id be too embarrased to do taht) and that he should just text me now. so we got into a silly but sweet thing where he was standing with me asking me waht he should text me in order to convince me to go on a date with him so I told him waht to say then he sent it. then we took my phone out and i got him to text himself back with my phone - i initally just replied haha sure to his date request then he pretended to be offerenced becaus eit wasnt supposed to be a funny quesiton adn my hands were too cold to text so he texted himself bakc which was funny, he then looked at me and said no and sighed and looked away adn i said what and he said he relaly wanted to kiss me (i think he was trying to be respectful about drunk boundaries) and then he kissed me adn made sure i was safe adn left. earlier in the night he said thet even if i didnt want to call it a date we could just 'hang out' becuase he wants to get to know me more as a person and made a joke that becuase i still had his flower pin we would have ot meet anyways for me to return it. then after about 30 minutes of him leaving (i think it took him that long to get home) he texted back saying he had bene really drunk earlier (referencing to the typos in his texts) but that he really wants me to say yes but its not the end of the world if I dont, nothing changes and that its all ok we can still be friends etc). so i replied and said yes (this sounds bad but i wanted ot do it for 'the plot' and i am also just curious about this and confused how this happened).
We agreed to meet at 3pm tomorrow - these are the options - late lunch, coffee, or an early drink/bar thing.
which is the best option? and what do I do now? I am engaging with both of these guys and technically it is well within my rights but I am so confused as to how I got here, I am totally lost on what to do and what I feel and what I want. I just want to meet them both sober (seperately obviously) and see but idk what to do here. I felt like I had such an emotional attatchemnt (proabnly unehalthy) with the first guy but loads of confusion adn such a sexual dynamic, whereas i was rlly good friends w the second guy and thought he was attractive for liek 5 mintues when w emet for the first time ever then totally got over it and now its confusing becuase idk hwo long hes had feelings or wahtever he 'fancies me' for. like with him its been more fun just because we talked and chatted and I knew him well and felt more comfortable.
I am TOTALLY AWARE that this drinking behaviour is NOT ACCEPTABLE and I have taken significant steps to fully reduce it and I am setting boundaries. so if I ever meet the first guy again it will NOT be for sex and with either of them no more clothes are coming off until I want to. but i am so conflicted as this second dynamic shift from friendship happened so quicjly and out of nowehre adn I almost didnt even go to the club with him, so it could have been so different. another thing is the second guy went on a few dates with my friend and ksised and cuddled her last term befire he ended it becuase he wanted to be just friends with her and didnt feel ready gor a realtionship but he says he feels readyh now and she also btw has a boyfriend now. but is this too messy and what should i do? i do want to go on the date with my friend but im just worried it will all be differet now becuase of the club night. i also think I might like the first guy but im not sure and just feel like a terrible person becuase this is really not like me at all. I'm half so invested in this drama like its a soap opera rather than my real life, but also feel weridly trapped but also shocked and excited by all this drama.
I forgot to mention but our date is at 3 tomorrow. at 8 we have another pub quiz which i have to menton is the event where i met both of them at the same time for the first time last term. i formed a friendship with the second guy which is clearly now different and then the first guy it immediately went to the more sexual or romantic part . but now if they are both there tomorrow i have no idea wtf to do, but i will definately be there. like what do i do??
also is it werid that the second guy was with my friend a bit, is that a red flag???? also about the date tomorrow i am sure he will pay but i dont like the feeling of owing poeple money so what do i do? is this nromal beucas ehw was very sweetly explaining to me when I am drunk that when a guy pays for you its just becuase he wants to and you dont owe him anything or need to reciprocate anything becuase tis his desicison etc.
TBH i just feel guilty, confused, superised, shocked becuase I swear I thought I would die without anyone ever likikng me, and I am a littel nervous for the date and also horrifyignly scared for the drama at the pub quiz if they'll both be there. please help!!!!!!!!!
Reply 34
Please slow down on the booze (and any other stimulants). You can't make good decisions whilst drunk, or otherwise intoxicated.
Your first bloke sounds like someone who is aware of informed consent and acts reasonably and ethically. With the second bloke, meet him sober and see how things go.
You are an autonomous adult and are free to have intimate relationships with anyone you chose, subject always to both parties consenting while in a fit state to do so. Not every encounter need involve romance. It's OK to be a good time girl, but only if you do this deliberately and without intoxication. But, please, less of the booze. You have to find a method of self control which involves either no alcohol or limiting your intake.
Your first bloke sounds like someone who is aware of informed consent and acts reasonably and ethically. With the second bloke, meet him sober and see how things go.
You are an autonomous adult and are free to have intimate relationships with anyone you chose, subject always to both parties consenting while in a fit state to do so. Not every encounter need involve romance. It's OK to be a good time girl, but only if you do this deliberately and without intoxication. But, please, less of the booze. You have to find a method of self control which involves either no alcohol or limiting your intake.
Reply 35
You don't have to pick 1 guy to have sex with. You can pick 0 or 2. Or extend it to 3 or 4.
If it's 2 or more, your life will be less complicated if from the start you make it apparent (without throwing it in their face or rubbing it in) that you are non-exclusive with them.
The "sort of passing out" and "so painful" doesn't sound right. It shouldn't be that physically painful.
There's a few possible causes for the amount of pain you'd be having. Do what you can to establish the cause of the pain and eliminate it, so that you're having sex with no pain at all.
The second guy has good Game. There's a high chance he's studied how to be interesting and attractive to women.
It's overall a good thing that he's done this. And it's fine that he's been practising these skills on other women.
As you get to know him, there will be clues and evidence as to how honest and open he is and whether he's likely to cheat on you. He may be a serial monogamist with high levels of integrity. Or he may be a "butterfly" when it comes to women.
From what you've told us, he seems to be a decent guy.
Don't feel guilty at all about your interactions with these men. Don't feel guilty if you go on to interact with a 3rd, 4th or 5th man. It's fine if you feel guilty about the drinking and use that as motivation to cut down on or eliminate the booze.
If both these guys go to the same social event as you, that's fine. You'll have a jealousy plotline. These are good for increasing the desire of both men - when you play the situation right. At the social event you talk to and interact with both men in a positive, enthusiastic and fun way. And you introduce them to each other. And continue to interact with both of them.
The actual real world evidence shows that you were totally wrong to think that you'd never find someone that liked you.
Your beliefs should be based on real world evidence. You should now be firmly convinced that you are an attractive and desirable woman. And that if you're ever single you have the ability to get yourself a new boyfriend.
If it's 2 or more, your life will be less complicated if from the start you make it apparent (without throwing it in their face or rubbing it in) that you are non-exclusive with them.
The "sort of passing out" and "so painful" doesn't sound right. It shouldn't be that physically painful.
There's a few possible causes for the amount of pain you'd be having. Do what you can to establish the cause of the pain and eliminate it, so that you're having sex with no pain at all.
The second guy has good Game. There's a high chance he's studied how to be interesting and attractive to women.
It's overall a good thing that he's done this. And it's fine that he's been practising these skills on other women.
As you get to know him, there will be clues and evidence as to how honest and open he is and whether he's likely to cheat on you. He may be a serial monogamist with high levels of integrity. Or he may be a "butterfly" when it comes to women.
From what you've told us, he seems to be a decent guy.
Don't feel guilty at all about your interactions with these men. Don't feel guilty if you go on to interact with a 3rd, 4th or 5th man. It's fine if you feel guilty about the drinking and use that as motivation to cut down on or eliminate the booze.
If both these guys go to the same social event as you, that's fine. You'll have a jealousy plotline. These are good for increasing the desire of both men - when you play the situation right. At the social event you talk to and interact with both men in a positive, enthusiastic and fun way. And you introduce them to each other. And continue to interact with both of them.
The actual real world evidence shows that you were totally wrong to think that you'd never find someone that liked you.
Your beliefs should be based on real world evidence. You should now be firmly convinced that you are an attractive and desirable woman. And that if you're ever single you have the ability to get yourself a new boyfriend.
Reply 36
It's Fifth Week. I suggest that you go home for two or three days and decompress.
Reply 37
Ok so I went on a date with guy 2. he wanted to meet for lunch but I suggested coffee because I wanted something more relaxed. He was there early and I was late, he greeted me with a hug and we chatted and I totally forgot it was meant to be a date, and it felt just like hanging out with a friend except that he would not let me pay and even took my phone and credit card from my hands to stop me and then paid himself and gave them back to me. he kept asking if I wanted to have a pastry or something but I kept saying I was good with only coffee. we chatted for ages about nonsense and I ended up giving him back his flower pin which he actually said he wasn't expecting to get back so I'm really annoyed now I gave it to him because I wanted to keep it. anyways we just joked around and chatted and were relaxed and then after the coffee he wanted to get a drink despite it only being 4pm so we went to this pub and I was VERY VERY CAREFUL with the alcohol and only had a very low percentage alcohol and barely had half of it. he kept asking me questions about myself and I've had a difficult life at times but am careful to try not to overshare, but I was a tiny bit tipsy and a bit relaxed as I kept forgetting it was a date and that he wasn't just my friend who I could relax with anymore. He at the bar also insisted in paying and everytime he says I can pay next time just to placate me but he dosen't ever let me pay. at one point talking a bit about my life he said that he just wanted to give me a hug and that he felt bad. he also said he felt terrible about the day at the club because I was SO DRUNK and he was too but he feels awful for kissing me when I was in such an out of my mind state but I told him it was ok. the entire date we didn't have any physcial contact which was such a releif for me because I think I've been mildly traumatised by all my encounters of male attention (guys in clubs kissing me without me realising what was going on, people being overly into me, and guy 1 who i keep ending up naked with). the most that happened was that in the bar he leaned in closer to hear me and I instincitvely leaned back just to keep distance between us because I wanted to feel safe, but I hate how he's gone from someone who made me feel so safe and comfortable and jokey with to someone I now internally feel like there's a risk of sexual interest so I no longer feel so chilled out. Then after the pub in 2 hours there was a social event that me and him and our friendgroup were going to and his uni is quite far away so I think he assumed he'd just come to my college, but I panicked and wanted distance so lied adn said I actually had to meet my friend at a library and I walked the opposite way from my college. he said goodbye and said something about only giving me a hug because of PDA and he hugged me and then asked me to have a proper lunch sometime. I was quite tipsy so when we were talking I essentially admittied that I thought he had been joking about today's date and didn't mean it and thought it was 'for the plot' and he was horrified and couldn't understand that and I may have confused him or hurt his feelings. he hugged me and i left and I was tipsy and overwhelemed as I just didn't know how on earth I even got into this mess so I began to feel like I'd be having a panic attack. Also like maximum 10 minutes after our date ended, he texted me saying that he'd like to have a proper lunch sometime and is essentially scheduling another date.
Anyways 2 hours later we were in a group setting and I made sure to be extremely careful to sit with my other friends and chat with them and just engage with him in a normal level or just slightly less than I would do had we never had a date. Also none of our friends knew at all we'd been on a date and I'm not sure if he was being polite and respectful to me by not mentioning it at all or if he was being like shady and hiding it. Also at one point our massive friendgroup then reduced to just me, him and two other people and we were watching this jokey dating show for fun. Idk if I was overthinking this but he asked 2 target questions 'what's the oldest age you'd consider dating' (he's like 15 months older than me) and 'do you want kids' but he asked these questions directed at the other people we were with and didn't ask me or look at me at all but I am so sure he was just using these questions to vet me and using the other people there as an excuse to get me to answer these quesitons 'subtly' but I just feel a tiny bit like my intelligence was being insulted and now I am also scared that he seems too serious about this already. at the end of the night he hugged everyone goodbye and gave me an extra tight and a second longer hug. Also the entire time with the friendship group I was acting actually insane becuase I was with my super crazy extraverted friedn and when we're together we act like actually insane poeple but have the best time like laughing and acting crazxy and I'm just confused why that didn't put him off. Also I was texting guy 1 a bit during this and when I was texting him my crazy friend was really intersted in what I was doing and kept tryint ot see so I just said I was dealing with a problem and made a joke about it, but then guy 2 (he had no idea who i was texting) then began to talk quite a bit to my other friend who he'd gone on like a few dates with and kissed last term but then said he just wanted to be friends with her. and he kept making comments like oh yeah when you came to my colege you liked it right? or like I really liked seeing your college etc. was he trying to make me jealous or just being normal.
Also somehow I managed to set boundaries with guy 1. I think I just got fed up, but basically he was bored and texted me saying I hadn't collected the jewellert I'd forgotten in his room last week and that I could come over tonight or he could come there if I wanted. but I just sort of said that I've only ever met him drunk so I dont remember him and he joked abotu how we seem to have this habit and i said i need to stop meeting him drunk and at night and that I was also busy that night so I couldn't meet him. I said we should meet sometijme sober and not at night and he got the hint and then suggested lunch and a walk. I have realised a few things - 1. I am not comfortable with getting naked again and I know it will be so hard setting that boundary as I'm sure hes used to it and expecting me to be fine with sex. 2. I never feel comfortable with sexual stuff even kisses but if I had to I think I'm just more comfortable doingit with guy 1 becuase I've done it more so it just feels safer as I'm more used to it if you know what I mean.
So now I'm trapped in this messy situation where I'm going on a date with both guys and idk what to do, how to decide, when to decide and how to deal with this. I also feel terrible about the fact that guy 2 will never let me pay and idk waht guy 1 will do but I know that every date I go on will be me just comparing the two of them and it feels like a massive uncontrollable mess and I've never had a relationship or dates and I hate the way that my first experiences of all this are such a mess and just me sort of being with 2 guys at the same time. I am also really scared that guys 1 and 2 will try kissing me on the dates so what do I do? and is it normal to sort of be repulsed by them?? please help am I a terrible person?
Anyways 2 hours later we were in a group setting and I made sure to be extremely careful to sit with my other friends and chat with them and just engage with him in a normal level or just slightly less than I would do had we never had a date. Also none of our friends knew at all we'd been on a date and I'm not sure if he was being polite and respectful to me by not mentioning it at all or if he was being like shady and hiding it. Also at one point our massive friendgroup then reduced to just me, him and two other people and we were watching this jokey dating show for fun. Idk if I was overthinking this but he asked 2 target questions 'what's the oldest age you'd consider dating' (he's like 15 months older than me) and 'do you want kids' but he asked these questions directed at the other people we were with and didn't ask me or look at me at all but I am so sure he was just using these questions to vet me and using the other people there as an excuse to get me to answer these quesitons 'subtly' but I just feel a tiny bit like my intelligence was being insulted and now I am also scared that he seems too serious about this already. at the end of the night he hugged everyone goodbye and gave me an extra tight and a second longer hug. Also the entire time with the friendship group I was acting actually insane becuase I was with my super crazy extraverted friedn and when we're together we act like actually insane poeple but have the best time like laughing and acting crazxy and I'm just confused why that didn't put him off. Also I was texting guy 1 a bit during this and when I was texting him my crazy friend was really intersted in what I was doing and kept tryint ot see so I just said I was dealing with a problem and made a joke about it, but then guy 2 (he had no idea who i was texting) then began to talk quite a bit to my other friend who he'd gone on like a few dates with and kissed last term but then said he just wanted to be friends with her. and he kept making comments like oh yeah when you came to my colege you liked it right? or like I really liked seeing your college etc. was he trying to make me jealous or just being normal.
Also somehow I managed to set boundaries with guy 1. I think I just got fed up, but basically he was bored and texted me saying I hadn't collected the jewellert I'd forgotten in his room last week and that I could come over tonight or he could come there if I wanted. but I just sort of said that I've only ever met him drunk so I dont remember him and he joked abotu how we seem to have this habit and i said i need to stop meeting him drunk and at night and that I was also busy that night so I couldn't meet him. I said we should meet sometijme sober and not at night and he got the hint and then suggested lunch and a walk. I have realised a few things - 1. I am not comfortable with getting naked again and I know it will be so hard setting that boundary as I'm sure hes used to it and expecting me to be fine with sex. 2. I never feel comfortable with sexual stuff even kisses but if I had to I think I'm just more comfortable doingit with guy 1 becuase I've done it more so it just feels safer as I'm more used to it if you know what I mean.
So now I'm trapped in this messy situation where I'm going on a date with both guys and idk what to do, how to decide, when to decide and how to deal with this. I also feel terrible about the fact that guy 2 will never let me pay and idk waht guy 1 will do but I know that every date I go on will be me just comparing the two of them and it feels like a massive uncontrollable mess and I've never had a relationship or dates and I hate the way that my first experiences of all this are such a mess and just me sort of being with 2 guys at the same time. I am also really scared that guys 1 and 2 will try kissing me on the dates so what do I do? and is it normal to sort of be repulsed by them?? please help am I a terrible person?
Reply 38
Apart from not letting you pay, Guy 2 has done everything perfectly.
Carry on seeing both guys.
I think Guy 2 is the better choice. From what you've told us about each of them.
Go ahead and kiss them sober.
Don't worry about getting naked with them. You're beautiful!
There's a high chance that neither will be the guy that you marry and live happily ever after with. That's fine. Enjoy the here and now. Enjoy the intimate company of Guy 2. You will be in for a magical time with him. You deserve it.
Carry on seeing both guys.
I think Guy 2 is the better choice. From what you've told us about each of them.
Go ahead and kiss them sober.
Don't worry about getting naked with them. You're beautiful!
There's a high chance that neither will be the guy that you marry and live happily ever after with. That's fine. Enjoy the here and now. Enjoy the intimate company of Guy 2. You will be in for a magical time with him. You deserve it.
Reply 39
Well I have a super fancy formal uni gala on friday to which guy 2 is deffo going to and guy 1 may be there. what if I see both there at the same time? I will most likely be out of my mind drunk (don't worry I am really working hard to try to stop this but I will be drinking there. Guy 2 has somehow got me into having dinner with him before and I don't want dinner because it's too formal and serious. and then we will be going to the gala and then clubbing so I may be with him for like 10 hours which I feel is far too much. I just wanted to go to the gala and hangout with the group where guy 2 is included in and sort of avoid him a tad or talk to him normally. I don't want to be too drunk around him because I just feel this all came out of nowhere and is going far too quickly. And I feel uncomfortable about him paying for dinner because I still think he is deluded for liking me or whatever ulterior motives he may have for this, and I don't even know if I'll actually date him properly and if I like guy 1 more and I just don't want to feel in debt to him. Ugh I am just so confused about this entire situation.
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