I just started uni and completed my first term there. I had never in my entire life before received any male attention at all—not even flirted, texted, held hands, etc. So, I was convinced I was ugly and would die alone without ever experiencing any kind of romantic interactions (I am 18). I don't consider myself attractive at all. I think I am chubby (I am 154cm and 54kg) and don’t think in any way I could be pretty.
But strangely, at uni, I received male attention. I felt flattered but weirdly hated it and was creeped out (mainly because I didn’t know any of these men). For example, I was in a souvenir shop the summer before starting uni, in my uni town, and the 30-year-old guy who worked there was weirdly into me. Then, another guy who was like 25 kind of hung out with me a lot, and it felt really weird.
When I started uni, it became even more pronounced. The first time I ever went clubbing, I ended up having a very long two-hour conversation with a really sweet guy I actually began to like and was attracted to. He even walked me back to my college. Had I been more experienced or even a bit tipsy, we definitely would have kissed, but I was so oblivious that he was interested in me that I completely wasted that opportunity. Honestly, it does bother me that I messed up so badly.
The next few times I went clubbing, a few guys from my college who were drunk—and so was I—held my hands, twirled me around, and we danced and had fun. Then next, I was in a club, and a guy took my hand and took me away from my friends, pinned me against the wall, and tried to kiss me. This would have been my absolute dream because for years, this was all I’d ever wanted (yes, I know it’s sad).
However, I was so, so scared as it was the first time I was drunk. I remember my heart beating so fast and feeling like I might die. I kept turning my face away from his and not letting him kiss me, so he apologized and then hugged me for a very, very long time, pinning me against the wall until he finally let go, and I kind of ran.
Finally, I had gone to a concert by myself, and somehow that experience gave me so much peace. I finally felt like my life was perfect, and for the first time in my entire life, I did not crave love or kisses or boyfriends. It was the first time I have felt such peace and happiness and contentment, and it was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced.
But strangely, a few days later, I was back at uni and went to a club. For the first time clubbing, I did not care about men at all and didn’t even think about kissing anyone. But as soon as I walked in, I ran into a guy I’d met a few days ago at the university union and had hung out with in a group setting.
I was super drunk at this point, and when I’m drunk, I’m just very nice and friendly. I was standing right next to him, so I was just like, ‘Hi!’ He was actually so happy to see me that I was like, wow, this is crazy. He chatted with me for ages and said he was so glad he ran into me again because when we met, he was really sad I left and didn’t want me to go. (I actually noticed a little hint of this then, but I’m too convinced I’m ugly to believe it.)
We ended up talking, and my friends kind of let me be with him. Somehow, we started dancing, and then his hands were on me, and my arms were around his shoulders. He was telling me all his friends kept patting him on the back (like as a congratulations for dancing with me—which I think is crazy because I’m not pretty at all, and to be honest, I’d be embarrassed being seen dancing with me).
They were all staring at us, and he proudly said, ‘Let them look.’ Then he asked if I wanted to go somewhere quieter, so we went to the other floor of the club. By this point, I had lost all my friends and was so, so, so drunk that I didn’t realize he was into me. I thought he was just being friendly/a nice friend, and I had no regard for my own safety as I was that drunk. Honestly, I was surprised I could even stand upright—I’d drunk that much, and my tolerance is so low.
Then he kissed me, and I was not expecting that at all—it was my first kiss, so I had no idea how to do it. But I was so drunk I didn’t feel a thing. Like not a single emotion—not happy, not excited—just completely numb and indifferent to what was going on.
I ended up just robotically kissing him back by mimicking what he was doing, but kissing was nothing like what I thought it would be. It was weirdly gross, and while he was kissing me, I was just thinking, am I even straight? I was super numb to everything that was going on but also a tiny bit strangely annoyed, even though my dream was being achieved right now. (The guy was my type on paper: tall, brown curly hair, blue eyes, etc.)
Then he asked if I wanted to go to his college. By this point, I was so drunk and tired I wanted to leave anyway, so I said sure. But I was so naïve I had no clue what he actually meant, which was to have sex, obviously. But like an idiot, I just left with this total, basically random stranger and went to his college.
I don’t know what I thought would happen, but we ended up in his room. Then he started kissing me and then lifted me up, carried me, and put me in his bed. (I was shocked he could carry me, as I feel so fat I couldn’t imagine anyone being able to lift me.)
Then he took off my clothes and gave me oral sex, made me give him a handjob, and fingered me. But this entire time, I didn’t feel butterflies or anything—except like a tired sort of disgust, or almost the feeling you have when you roll your eyes. I was just totally numb, and it all felt weird and actually a bit painful.
Then he said, ‘I really want to **** you’ (like that grossed me out). And honestly, it was a huge jump going from never kissing to this. I would have had sex with him, but I just felt so fat and unattractive.
This was the only night in my entire time at uni that I had put in low effort to my appearance, so I hadn’t shaved my legs or vagina, and my underwear wasn’t pretty, when usually I look as pretty as I possibly can. So strangely, every time I’ve met this boy has been at my absolute ugliest, and he’s still wanting to have sex.
I know it’s illogical, but I was so drunk, and I thought, I know I’m already naked, but if I have sex with him, he might see more of my body and realize how fat I really am and think I’m gross. That would be embarrassing.
So I said, ‘No, I’m not ready to have sex’ automatically, which really, really surprised me, as I’m the most people-pleasing, submissive person there could ever be. I kept saying sorry and feeling bad, and he kept saying, ‘No, no, it’s okay,’ and was actually really sweet about it.
I can’t remember much, but I think he wanted me to stay and cuddle. By this time, I was really freaking out and didn’t understand what was happening, so I lied and said I had work I hadn’t finished. He walked me back to my college and said he’d stay the night in my room. (To be honest, it was nice of him to walk me as I was so drunk and have no sense of direction, so I never would have made it back.)
But my room in uni was such a total mess that even in my drunk state, I knew I would be mortified if someone saw it. Instead, we snuck onto the roof of my uni. I was afraid that when he properly looked at my face in the lights (as the roof was lit up), he’d realize how horrifically ugly I am and run away. But it was weirdly romantic. If I had been more aware of my surroundings, I think I would have appreciated it more. We stood on the roof, and the stars were pretty. We talked a tiny bit, and then he stood behind me, put his arms around my waist (so he could obviously feel how fat I was), but he didn’t leave. Then he looked right at me, fully in the light, and kissed me.
What?
Anyway, after that, we left the roof. My friends, who were convinced he was a rapist, marched him out of there.
The next morning, I told myself I didn’t feel anything, that he wouldn’t text me, and I wouldn’t be sad about it. But he did text me, and we ended up texting each other every single day (which my friends don’t know, as they’re convinced I’m putting my life and theirs in danger—which I think is super dramatic).
Over the next two weeks, all my friends slowly distanced themselves from me. I was going through a really tough period of being subtly bullied, feeling so lonely, abusing substances I’d never tried before, and feeling isolated. I kept getting drunk, crying a lot, and having an awful time. I ended up drunk texting him and wandering the streets, and he’d come and find me, take me back to his college, and we’d just cuddle in his bed.
The most we’d do is he’d take off my clothes and kiss me, but then I’d pass out on him or just pretend to pass out so it didn’t go further. I felt really scared, but as soon as we’d stop the sexual stuff, I felt so safe and warm. He was warm, held me, and I’d lay on his chest. I’d never experienced a feeling like this before. This happened two or three more times in total.
At night, he was sweet, but in the mornings, he would be slightly cold or icy. It hurt my feelings, and I’d walk back to my own college in the early morning, crying the entire way there. I’d usually get soaked in the rain, feel depressed, and decide I’d never meet him again. But then, the next time I got drunk, I’d go back to him.
On the last day of term, I had a terrible time. Everyone in my college was not talking to me and being really nasty. Finally, I found one friend, got the most drunk I have ever been in my life, and also tried weed for the first time. The entire time, I was drunk texting him, and he was drunk texting me, saying he liked me and missed me.
I ended up wandering the streets, and he came to find me again. I went to his room, and this time I was completely out of my mind—had no clue what was going on. The more time I spent with him, the less scared of the sexual stuff I felt. I just felt more self-conscious and ugly.
We did stuff, and then he asked to have sex. I was in such a bad
