Running from myself and life

Currently a year 13 student. Over the whole of 6th form I've kind of been running from my life, maybe a longer time than that. Just rejecting myself and my life.
I'll start with life right now. Life feels so purposeless, so stagnant and stuck. I've got A level mocks in two weeks and throughout this time I've been either in states of anxiety, sorrow, and not feeling good enough. I kept feeling like I was so bad at my subjects (not to mention my life in general too ig), everyone else was better than me, and it kind of ended up being true. Also throughout these two years, although I had friends that I talked with I feel I just I guess hide somehow. Like I cried in my room after being with them, I guess I wasn't and am still not happy with my life, and also maybe they distract me from that fact, or I was worried I won't be able to keep up with the friend group and fall out of it. I also ignore life with games and social media. Instead of staying in the real world and being aware of responsibilities like homework, and my self upkeep sometimes, I just run to games and the like. My mother has very high expectations and wants me to get As, A*s, but I just don't feel good enough, to her or now even myself, to try because I feel I'll fail.
Also want to honestly say I haven't submitted UCAS even thought I feel I want to go to uni, although it's really been what my family has suggested so I'm not 100% sure but I digress. The reason for that is because my grades aren't what I or my family would like. Also don't know fully why but I'm scared to do my Personal Statement. I feel it won't be good enough as I am.
I want to mention that a few weeks ago I was introduced to someone who made me aware of my life, told me what he knew and gave me I guess a reality check. And during those weeks I really did accept myself, my role in life, my responsibilities, all the things to do with that. And I ended up getting second in a further integration test. And I took a break for the first part of these holidays to reward myself, but even after that I've fallen back into this depressing state, which I feel is even worse now that I know mocks are coming up and I'm feeling so desperate but so helpless simultaneously. I constantly reference that time and to me now it just feels like a distant memory, not even completely real anymore because of how different it was. I talked to him on the phone yesterday and felt some semblance to the past but it didn't quite feel the same, it wasn't in person so I think I didn't feel it as much. I feel I kind of reference the past too much, specifically those good weeks where I actually did something, and I compare it to me now.
I don't want to be me in my current life, and I run away into my head or something like that to escape. I don't want to y'know permanently go away from life but I can't seem to accept who I am and where I currently am in life. I'm very confused and I would just really really appreciate any wisdom.

Currently a year 13 student. Over the whole of 6th form I've kind of been running from my life, maybe a longer time than that. Just rejecting myself and my life.
I'll start with life right now. Life feels so purposeless, so stagnant and stuck. I've got A level mocks in two weeks and throughout this time I've been either in states of anxiety, sorrow, and not feeling good enough. I kept feeling like I was so bad at my subjects (not to mention my life in general too ig), everyone else was better than me, and it kind of ended up being true. Also throughout these two years, although I had friends that I talked with I feel I just I guess hide somehow. Like I cried in my room after being with them, I guess I wasn't and am still not happy with my life, and also maybe they distract me from that fact, or I was worried I won't be able to keep up with the friend group and fall out of it. I also ignore life with games and social media. Instead of staying in the real world and being aware of responsibilities like homework, and my self upkeep sometimes, I just run to games and the like. My mother has very high expectations and wants me to get As, A*s, but I just don't feel good enough, to her or now even myself, to try because I feel I'll fail.
Also want to honestly say I haven't submitted UCAS even thought I feel I want to go to uni, although it's really been what my family has suggested so I'm not 100% sure but I digress. The reason for that is because my grades aren't what I or my family would like. Also don't know fully why but I'm scared to do my Personal Statement. I feel it won't be good enough as I am.
I want to mention that a few weeks ago I was introduced to someone who made me aware of my life, told me what he knew and gave me I guess a reality check. And during those weeks I really did accept myself, my role in life, my responsibilities, all the things to do with that. And I ended up getting second in a further integration test. And I took a break for the first part of these holidays to reward myself, but even after that I've fallen back into this depressing state, which I feel is even worse now that I know mocks are coming up and I'm feeling so desperate but so helpless simultaneously. I constantly reference that time and to me now it just feels like a distant memory, not even completely real anymore because of how different it was. I talked to him on the phone yesterday and felt some semblance to the past but it didn't quite feel the same, it wasn't in person so I think I didn't feel it as much. I feel I kind of reference the past too much, specifically those good weeks where I actually did something, and I compare it to me now.
I don't want to be me in my current life, and I run away into my head or something like that to escape. I don't want to y'know permanently go away from life but I can't seem to accept who I am and where I currently am in life. I'm very confused and I would just really really appreciate any wisdom.