what mark do you think my OCR English language paper 1 Q6 should get?

1.

Opening:

2.

Your greeting is conversational and engaging, but the traffic reference could distract from your message. Consider starting directly with excitement about your activity.

3.

For example: "Hey everyone! I’m here to talk about something I’m absolutely passionate about—rock climbing! If you haven’t tried it, get ready to discover why it’s the best way to spend your time!"

4.

Body:

5.

Paragraph focus: Each paragraph should have a single focus: explanation, description, or persuasion. For example:

6.

Start with what rock climbing is.

7.

Then describe your personal experience and what you love about it.

8.

Finish with why others should give it a try.

9.

Reduce tangents: While the comparison to other sports is useful, make it concise to keep the audience focused on climbing.

10.

Conclusion:

11.

The call to action is strong but can be made more motivational. Example: "So, if you’re ready to challenge yourself, meet amazing people, and discover a thrilling new hobby, head to your local climbing gym. You won’t regret it!"

1.

Tone:

2.

Maintain a conversational tone, but avoid phrases that could alienate your audience, like "None of you do enough exercise." Instead, frame it positively: "We all spend a lot of time on the couch or in front of screens, but climbing is an amazing way to switch things up!"

3.

Vivid Imagery:

4.

Your description of ice climbing and free soloing is exciting but might overwhelm beginners. Emphasize the fun and accessibility of indoor climbing with vivid imagery. Example: "Imagine standing at the base of a colorful wall, picking your route like solving a giant puzzle, and feeling the thrill of reaching the top!"

5.

Humor and Relatability:

6.

Your humor works well but ensure it doesn’t distract from your main points it also works well with the fact that you are writing to young people, this was very good!

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Replace repetitive phrases like “rock climbing” with synonyms or pronouns where context allows.

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Simplify some sentences for smoother delivery. Example: Original: "Rock climbing is not so, it's so much more versatile than these bog-standard sports!" Revised: "Rock climbing is completely different—versatile and exciting in ways traditional sports can’t match!"