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My gf sold nudes online while we where on a break what should i do?

me and my gf have had a rocky relationship for the past couple of months, we've broken up multiple times (mostly me) and her mental health isnt great. we broke up recently and within the day she sold nudes and sexted men online. within the week of this happening we got back together and now shes told me this. I'm quite shocked and i can't stop shaking.

what should i do?
(edited 1 month ago)
i have tried my hardest to support he, but my mental health has also been declining so its been a lot to process her emotions on top of mine
Reply 2
Original post by fluffycloud12
i have tried my hardest to support he, but my mental health has also been declining so its been a lot to process her emotions on top of mine

right. well, i understand that but what's done is done. she can't unsend the photos now, so there's not much you can do. why do you normally argue? like is there a particular reason? i constantly argue with my partner too, so i know how difficult that can be
Original post by Ciel.
right. well, i understand that but what's done is done. she can't unsend the photos now, so there's not much you can do. why do you normally argue? like is there a particular reason? i constantly argue with my partner too, so i know how difficult that can be

we're quite emotional people and we've done a lot of things that have hurt each other. i think because we have different way of dealing with stress that it just blows up in our faces. for example if i'm annoyed i want to be left alone but in those moments when i'm annoyed she needs comforting but in those instances i don't have the capacity to do so.
Reply 4
Original post by fluffycloud12
we're quite emotional people and we've done a lot of things that have hurt each other. i think because we have different way of dealing with stress that it just blows up in our faces. for example if i'm annoyed i want to be left alone but in those moments when i'm annoyed she needs comforting but in those instances i don't have the capacity to do so.

right. as someone who has been stuck in a pretty turbulent relationship for years, i can tell you that things never really get better.. only worse. neverending arguments are mentally exhausting, leading to resentment and even more arguments, sometimes worse. so i feel like unless one of you actively makes an effort to work on their personality, the arguments will never end because of incompatibility
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds really hard. I would just try and keep calm and remember you don’t need to make any decisions immediately. Maybe sleep on it and give it a day or two then have a chat with your girlfriend? I used to be in a very turbulent relationship and my main regrets are not being clear in my communication and acting in the heat of the moment. Just remember you will both be ok, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Original post by Daffydonut
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds really hard. I would just try and keep calm and remember you don’t need to make any decisions immediately. Maybe sleep on it and give it a day or two then have a chat with your girlfriend? I used to be in a very turbulent relationship and my main regrets are not being clear in my communication and acting in the heat of the moment. Just remember you will both be ok, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

Thank you 🙏
Original post by fluffycloud12
me and my gf have had a rocky relationship for the past couple of months, we've broken up multiple times (mostly me) and her mental health isnt great. we broke up recently and within the day she sold nudes and sexted men online. within the week of this happening we got back together and now shes told me this. I'm quite shocked and i can't stop shaking.
what should i do?
I'm often appalled with the amount of crap people are willing to tolerate from others.

I've been going to self-defence classes for a few years. Our head instructor has a sister. She is married to an absolute bottom-of-the-barrel ar>hole. Physical and emotional domestic abuse. One time when my instructor was visiting, this guy started playing pornography on the TV while she was laying the dinner table, just to bully her. Another time he actually raised his hand at her in front of my instructor, and that time my instructor beat the crap out of him and threw him out into the street. Just one day later she lets this guy back into the house.

My instructor is well connected, he's worked with and for police, knows lawyers, and knows the law. I've called upon his help on a few occasions when in tight situations. He could have probably even killed the guy and gotten away with it. I'm not necessarily advocating for that, my only point is... he was able to offer her just about any solution to her problems that she could have asked for...

... and yet she still let this guy back in the house. Why do you think she did that?

You said that your "girlfriend" sold nudes and sexted men online within a day of her breakup, and that she told you this herself. Do you realise that she is most likely lying? She came back to you because she is emotionally dependent on you, not necessarily because she cares about you (I can't honestly tell from where I'm sat if she does or doesn't). People in toxic relationships often struggle understanding the difference between love, care, and emotional co-dependency. Often times they're so emotionally uncalibrated that they don't even understand when they're being abused or lied to (even when it is plainly obvious to anyone else).

My point - she "needs" you, which doesn't necessary mean that she "loves" or "cares" for you (she may do also, but it's not for granted). If she only "needs" you, then do you really believe that she would admit to anything more than she already has? If this risks sabotaging her chances with you?

I don't believe that sexting multiple random men online and sending them nudes, is the kind of thing that you set up in just a day. Is technically possible to do? Yes, 1. the online platforms already exist out there, and 2. a lot of men are very thirsty and it wouldn't take long at all for most women to draw that type of attention to themselves, if they choose to indulge it. And that is a choice that some women opt for (even if they don't like to admit that responsibility) and others do not. She had most likely at least been thinking about doing this for much longer than just a day. There is a good chance also that other girl friends of hers already do this sort of stuff, and slipped her the idea. There is a good chance that she already had an account set up on one of those websites, if only 'experimentally', just to test the waters and assess if it is a viable 'plan B' should her relationship fail, and there is also a good chance she was already messaging other men, even if she perhaps wasn't necessarily sending them nudes.

I've crossed paths with these sorts before (not often thank God). What they tell you is usually a tiny % fraction of what really is going on behind the scenes. I briefly dated a girl in Swindon a few years ago, before I realised she was rather 'odd'. As I slowed the pace down and our 'relationship' turned platonic, she started to volunteer some very odd information about herself. I didn't like what I heard, so I stopped seeing her entirely. A few things happened in between, but eventually it transpired she was actually a sex worker - and uh, not even a regular one. The news of it blew up in the local community and across a small number of WhatsApp and facebook chat groups. I won't elaborate further, it's not very PG.

a) If I were in your shoes, I would move on entirely and probably not date at all for 6 months just to clear my head. Spend time with friends instead. Or find new friends.
b) If I were you, personally (which is not the same), and felt compelled to tolerate this sort of relationship instead of walking away, then I would at least demand to see evidence of what it is she got up to and that she is telling the whole truth. But don't get your hopes up.
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by NonIndigenous
I'm often appalled with the amount of crap people are willing to tolerate from others.
I've been going to self-defence classes for a few years. Our head instructor has a sister. She is married to an absolute bottom-of-the-barrel ar>hole. Physical and emotional domestic abuse. One time when my instructor was visiting, this guy started playing pornography on the TV while she was laying the dinner table, just to bully her. Another time he actually raised his hand at her in front of my instructor, and that time my instructor beat the crap out of him and threw him out into the street. Just one day later she lets this guy back into the house.
My instructor is well connected, he's worked with and for police, knows lawyers, and knows the law. I've called upon his help on a few occasions when in tight situations. He could have probably even killed the guy and gotten away with it. I'm not necessarily advocating for that, my only point is... he was able to offer her just about any solution to her problems that she could have asked for...
... and yet she still let this guy back in the house. Why do you think she did that?
You said that your "girlfriend" sold nudes and sexted men online within a day of her breakup, and that she told you this herself. Do you realise that she is most likely lying? She came back to you because she is emotionally dependent on you, not necessarily because she cares about you (I can't honestly tell from where I'm sat if she does or doesn't). People in toxic relationships often struggle understanding the difference between love, care, and emotional co-dependency. Often times they're so emotionally uncalibrated that they don't even understand when they're being abused or lied to (even when it is plainly obvious to anyone else).
My point - she "needs" you, which doesn't necessary mean that she "loves" or "cares" for you (she may do also, but it's not for granted). If she only "needs" you, then do you really believe that she would admit to anything more than she already has? If this risks sabotaging her chances with you?
I don't believe that sexting multiple random men online and sending them nudes, is the kind of thing that you set up in just a day. Is technically possible to do? Yes, 1. the online platforms already exist out there, and 2. a lot of men are very thirsty and it wouldn't take long at all for most women to draw that type of attention to themselves, if they choose to indulge it. And that is a choice that some women opt for (even if they don't like to admit that responsibility) and others do not. She had most likely at least been thinking about doing this for much longer than just a day. There is a good chance also that other girl friends of hers already do this sort of stuff, and slipped her the idea. There is a good chance that she already had an account set up on one of those websites, if only 'experimentally', just to test the waters and assess if it is a viable 'plan B' should her relationship fail, and there is also a good chance she was already messaging other men, even if she perhaps wasn't necessarily sending them nudes.
I've crossed paths with these sorts before (not often thank God). What they tell you is usually a tiny % fraction of what really is going on behind the scenes. I briefly dated a girl in Swindon a few years ago, before I realised she was rather 'odd'. As I slowed the pace down and our 'relationship' turned platonic, she started to volunteer some very odd information about herself. I didn't like what I heard, so I stopped seeing her entirely. A few things happened in between, but eventually it transpired she was actually a sex worker - and uh, not even a regular one. The news of it blew up in the local community and across a small number of WhatsApp and facebook chat groups. I won't elaborate further, it's not very PG.
a) If I were in your shoes, I would move on entirely and probably not date at all for 6 months just to clear my head. Spend time with friends instead. Or find new friends.
b) If I were you, personally (which is not the same), and felt compelled to tolerate this sort of relationship instead of walking away, then I would at least demand to see evidence of what it is she got up to and that she is telling the whole truth. But don't get your hopes up.

She said she deleted everything and wouldn’t show me the site name or the payments. I just don’t know what to do I can’t seem to leave. I feel like if any of my friends told me that there gf has done any of this I’d tell them to run a mile. I’ve also mistreated her, so I’m not the victim but I just don’t know what to do.
Original post by fluffycloud12
She said she deleted everything and wouldn’t show me the site name or the payments. I just don’t know what to do I can’t seem to leave. I feel like if any of my friends told me that there gf has done any of this I’d tell them to run a mile. I’ve also mistreated her, so I’m not the victim but I just don’t know what to do.
One friend of mine had a (very slightly) comparable situation with his girlfriend a few months ago, and he did it very well. She'd been on the dating apps for like 4 years, and he'd been on the dating apps for like a month before they met each other. Having used the apps for 4 years - she'd fallen into some bad habits that are often normalised by people who use dating apps for too long.

After they'd been seeing each other for about 2 months, he by accident saw that she was still messaging some of the other guys she would speak with and see through the dating app. He confronted her about it. Predictably, she tried to play the "you shouldn't have been looking through my phone" card (textbook defence).

He said to her (and I liked this) - "this is very likely going to be the last conversation we ever have, and your last chance to tell me the whole truth".

He wasn't bluffing. I'm probably going to use that line one day if I face a similar situation - which is likely to happen at some point. It turns out that in her case, that it was the whole truth & they worked it out and are really happy now, probably moving in together in about 6 months. I learned from it that perhaps some of these people do deserve a 2nd chance in these situations (I've traditionally been very tight-fisted and unforgiving of this sort of stuff). So far she seems like a genuinely nice person and a welcome addition to my social circles.
_____________________________________

Your girlfriend today is likely withholding the whole truth, because she knows that you will likely let her get away with it. Because you 'need' her, probably in a similar fashion that she 'needs' you. As I said earlier, that does not necessarily mean that either if you care for or love one another (perhaps you do, or don't - it's another matter).

This is called co-dependency. Little do you realise, your inability to say that you will walk away from her (and mean it without bluffing, as demonstrated by you taking her back several times already), is what allows her to get away with these sorts of behaviours, and is why she will likely continue acting this way despite it being hurtful towards you. Your behaviour, is enabling her behaviour. It actually is not helping her.

One of the most valuable things I've learned from self-defence classes is that if you make a threat (any sort), are not bluffing and are fully able to follow through with it, the chances that you will actually have to follow through with it are very low... because most people will sense it and know better than to try their luck. But it is important to stay calm despite the adverse situation. People are more likely to believe and take you seriously, when you are calm and collected.

In your case, it may be too late to do that. You've taken her back several times already, and laid down a precedent demonstrating that she doesn't have to take your word very seriously anymore. That's unlikely to change bluff or no bluff. Sometimes the best thing for people is to permanently part ways, and learn from mistakes, instead of repeating toxic patterns from their past. That's my advice. Move on.
(edited 1 month ago)
I'm confused, were these nudes of herself or of you?

If they were of you then you should contact the police.

If they were of her then...well...that's her prerogative I guess. If that's a problem for you then the relationship probably isn't going to work out.

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