writing tips?

its just something short I wrote but I wanna get better at writing so I'm posting it

Sun sets in the cool winter sky. I speed through the fields–pausing. When I look up, I witness a most breathtaking orange-red sky, mixing with the purple clouds. As I watch the sky, the minutes feel like seconds as the clouds float past. Birds singing beautiful songs with the sound of the river flowing in the background. A herd of deer over the hill. I’m all alone yet not alone at all. There is nothing, yet everything. It's the best feeling. I wish it could last forever. I feel lighter than clouds. As my brain stops spinning a million miles an hour, my heart slows. No panic. No shaking. No fear. I feel as if I matter as if the world is perfect. I sit there till the sun sets, and the sky is dark and starry.

Reply 1

offshore-cauldro

Original post

by idkk...

its just something short I wrote but I wanna get better at writing so I'm posting it
Sun sets in the cool winter sky. I speed through the fields–pausing. When I look up, I witness a most breathtaking orange-red sky, mixing with the purple clouds. As I watch the sky, the minutes feel like seconds as the clouds float past. Birds singing beautiful songs with the sound of the river flowing in the background. A herd of deer over the hill. I’m all alone yet not alone at all. There is nothing, yet everything. It's the best feeling. I wish it could last forever. I feel lighter than clouds. As my brain stops spinning a million miles an hour, my heart slows. No panic. No shaking. No fear. I feel as if I matter as if the world is perfect. I sit there till the sun sets, and the sky is dark and starry.

This is amazing - but one thing is that I think you overuse short sentences. They are used for emphasis or to speed up an exciting scene, and they don’t seem to fit with the idyllic description. It also takes away from the very impactful short phrases such as ‘I’m all alone yet not alone at all.’ So yeah but it’s really good. :smile:

Reply 2

PinkMobilePhone

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You can't speed through the fields and pause at the same time. They contradict each other. You can speed through the fields and then stop to pause, but the way you've written it is that you're doing both things simultaneously. Also... how are you speeding? Are you driving a car? Running? Riding a bike?

Birds singing beautiful songs. The word "songs" here is a bit redundant - what else would they be singing if not songs?

A herd of deer of a hill... what? This feels too short. What are they doing?

I don't understand why your brain would be spinning at a million miles an hour in the first place as this doesn't seem like a particularly traumatic scene at all. Similarly to the "No panic. No shaking." Why would there be panic or shaking when sitting in a tranquil setting? Why mention the lack of these things?
Speaking of sitting in a tranquil setting, you never mentioned that you were sitting at all until the end. You were speeding and pausing, now suddenly you're sitting?

Final point - you start the entire piece with "Sun sets in the cool winter sky" but then end it with "I sit there till the sun sets".
So that just counters your first sentence, because you began with the sun having already set but clearly it had NOT already set. Which is it? When did this sun set?

I agree with the last poster about the overuse of short sentences as well.

I know that may seems like a lot of criticism, but there are also some nice descriptors. "When I look up, I witness a most breathtaking orange-red sky, mixing with the purple clouds" - this is nice, I can picture this scene.
The majority of the passage gives a lovely tranquil feeling.

Reply 3

idkk...

yeah I know I need to work on the lengths of my sentences and I'm bad at getting it in order bc I get a thought and then I will mess up on getting to that thought or its out of order or I leave something out that would help the reader and help it make more sense and I kinda wrote that like a little bit before and i wanted to see what people thought needed work before editing it to much and idk was told to remember an old memory on that one i like short sentences bc it stops me from running on to much but i need to find the balance still .

as for that part
"I don't understand why your brain would be spinning at a million miles an hour in the first place as this doesn't seem like a particularly traumatic scene at all. Similarly to the "No panic. No shaking." Why would there be panic or shaking when sitting in a tranquil setting?" I have way to much anxiety all the time so it stands out to me in that moment but I see how that could be confusing for the reader as they don't really have a way of knowing that

and as for you saying it feels like a lot of criticism its helpful to me to become better and it was what I wanted so I know what to work on more and hopefully become a better writer.

also I would write more for this reply but I don't have much time rn to type every thing I wanna say

Reply 4

lissaa

I completely agree with the previous posters on here on all they've said. One thing I would like to add on to that is a tip to read out-loud what you are writing to see when or when not to use contractions. For example, in your sentence "There is nothing, yet everything" you omit the verb (there is) in your second clause, which makes sense. However, your omission, colloquial tone and a generally fast-paced narrating style really clashes with "there is". "There's" would fit much more naturally. I suppose, as a general rule, think about who is speaking in the scene, whether they, as a character, would use any jargon or not, would they be speaking quickly—and hence using contractions—or not. It seems a really small thing to comment on, but it is super easy to fix and it helps the flow a lot lot. Other two things: 1) forget the word "beautiful": it doesn't describe anything precisely and thus doesn't allow the reader to imagine what's in your head; 2) check your tenses, like in last sentence, where you "sit" in present for a long time and the sun sets and makes the sky darker only later, yet you still use sky "is". Either say "sky gets/becomes/turns" or move that bit of the sentence such that it falls under the "till" part of the phrase. Best of luck and do not get discouraged about the amount of feedback—it'll only accelerate your learning speed :smile:

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 5

idkk...

I struggle on thinking Abt what to write(hence why I like English assessments) and I struggle with what to do/where to start on editing the writing I've done