I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia at 19 and my world has fallen apart.

About a year ago I started experiencing symptoms, mostly hearing voices and believing I was part of some odd conspiracy. At the time I knew that hearing voices wasn't normal but I was smoking weed heavily during that time and really stressed out so I just assumed it was a symptom of stress and smoking weed so I didn't tell anyone or get it checked out.
After a few months the uni I was at placed me on emergency suspension, called my parents and I was taken home. My parents were really concerned and took me to A&E where I was assessed by the mental health team. I was admitted to a mental health ward and was there for 6 weeks. During that time I was in full psychosis, incredibly delusional, paranoid and just completely out of touch with reality.
During my stay I was convinced I wasn't mentally unwell, I just had some kind of special insight into the world that nobody else had. Anyway they gave me medication during those 6 weeks and towards the end of my stay when I was getting better, they told me I had a psychotic episode, but didn't diagnose me with schizophrenia at that stage.
They discharged me back to my parents and gave me a repeat prescription for olanzapine, which is an anti psychotic. Well once I was back home I didn't bother taking the medication because I thought it was just a temporary phase so there's no point taking an anti psychotic if I'm not psychotic anymore.
Well 3 months later I had another episode and ended up getting detained under section 136 of the mental health act because I was outside in public. The same drill as before, they gave me medication and I had an evaluation by 2 different psychiatrists and they both diagnosed me with schizophrenia.
My world is in pieces... I am crying nearly everyday because of this illness. Even when I take the medication I still hear voices nearly everyday. I have lost all interest in the things I used to enjoy, I've dropped out of uni, I've lost most of my friends and I am utterly miserable.
I just can't believe it's true. I try to convince myself I don't have it and it's an incorrect diagnosis, that maybe there's a conspiracy against me to make me believe I'm sick but when I google the symptoms and compare them to mine, it's hard to reject the diagnosis.
I have tried a few different anti psychotics but they all make me feel like crap, I'm sleeping like 10 hours a day, I have no motivation to do anything, even brushing my teeth or taking a shower is not worth doing. I'm on an anti depressant now too so maybe that will help but my life is over. So this is what I have to endure for the rest of my life... What a load of crap.
When the voices are silent it's peaceful but when they're talkative, they are unbearable, constantly commenting on my life and ridiculing me, questioning everything I do. Trying to gaslight me and making me second guess my reality.
Like I'll cook a meal and turn off the cooker then when I leave the house they'll try and convince me I left it on and my house will explode and my family will die. Or if I buy a meal deal from the supermarket and eat it, they'll try to convince me the factory that made the sandwich has been contaminated with a pesticide.
I'm constantly battling against delusions but it's really difficult trying to differentiate between what is actually reality and what is a delusion. When I'm mentally well like I am now I am able to rationalise and reject delusional thoughts but when I start becoming unwell, reality and imaginary merge together and I become confused and feel like my mind is in a blender.
I read horror stories online about people with schizophrenia doing horrific crimes and ending up in a psych hospital for life and I just think what if that ends up being me? What if I become unwell and end up doing something awful? I would never forgive myself.
I just don't know what to do... I feel totally helpless.

Dealing with these symptoms can be really hard, and it can feel like there's no end in sight or possibility of life being any different/better, when so much is going on for you. Meds can be helpful for psychosis (particularly in conjunction with therapy - have you been offered any by your NHS team?) so, if you can bear to, do stick with them and keep trying different ones. It can take quite a while to find the right combination, unfortunately
It is possible for some people to learn to live alongside their voices and other symptoms, by finding coping strategies or changing their relationship with the voices. Having this diagnosis in and of itself doesn't mean things will always feel this bad for you. As someone who's heard voices for over 30 years, and who has a similar diagnosis (schizoaffective disorder, in my case), I have hope for you, even if you (understandably) find it hard to have hope for yourself atm

This gives me a lot of hope thank you so much for commenting and mentioning that you know first hand what it's like because so few people understand just how awful this illness is. 30 years! I can't imagine how strong you must be to have endured for that length of time.
I googled it and schizoaffective disorder is schizophrenia but with a mood component, so you're also bipolar? That must be horrendous, but I'm guessing the longer you have it the easier it becomes to deal with it?
Yes I am with the community mental health team and have a care co who I have regular meetings with as well as regular med reviews with my psychiatrist etc so I feel like I have quite a good support network in place.
One strategy I've found to help control the voices is not to ignore them. If they're talking to me and I do not engage with them and just ignore them, they become extremely aggressive and angry. I've been told that engaging with them isn't inherently a bad thing, just don't let them influence me.
I don't know about you but my voices have personalities, some days they're nice, some days they're mean, but if I refuse to acknowledge their existence they become very toxic and abusive.
It's ok if you don't want to share this information publicly, but do you live a "normal" functioning life? Right now I'm not in education, not in employment and I am getting depressed at the thought that this will be my life forever...

You're very welcome! It can definitely be hard to find people with direct experience of these things/people who 'get' it. I have got quite used to my voices, having heard them for 30 years (I first heard voices aged 5, but they were more in the background/more benign back then. It was only when my mental health exploded aged 21, that I developed full-blown psychosis)... so I'm at a point where I can try and ignore some of the voices (I hear loads of different ones. Do you mind me asking if you feel you only hear one voice but that it changes, or do you think you maybe hear different voices with distinct personalities/identities?).
I think it's really promising that you've identified a bit things that magnify your voices (ignoring them). I'm so sorry that they can be so toxic and abusive though. This may sound strange but do you ever ask them questions about why they're there, or what they want from you? Some people build relationships with their voices by talking to them and asking them questions, to try and understand them better - which leads them to be able to change the relationship dynamic with them and make them less powerful. If that makes sense?
Yes, schizoaffective disorder is basically a delightful combination of schizophrenia and bipolar I'm lucky that we eventually found a meds combination that takes the edge off things/makes things less dangerous for me, after trying a whole heap of antidepressants. (I've been prescribed aripiprazole and Sertraline since August 2011.) It was really therapy that helped make a huge difference, though. I wouldn't say I live a normal life, and am def not that good at functioning in the way normal people are. That said, I have managed to hold down some part-time internships and employment, and am just about to finish my PhD degree, having had a successful viva (spoken exam) in late November
So things can get better and life won't necessarily always be as bleak as it may feel right now

Wow that's awesome congratulations about your phd!
I hear 4 distinct voices, 1 female and 3 males. I've given my voices names to try and build some kind of rapport with them and to let them know I've accepted their existence. The female voice is quite pleasant and will usually give me commands in the form of "helpful suggestions." For example I'll use the toilet and she'll tell me to wash my hands. Or I'll be outside in the street and she'll warn me about traffic and to be careful etc. Occasionally she'll say something in a belittling manner, like I'm a child but for the most part she's nice and we have a good relationship.
The 3 males are all mostly nasty and aggressive, they'll constantly put me down and try to make me feel bad about myself. They'll encourage me to harm myself or worse... but I never do it.
I have asked them why they exist and why they're mean to me but they never really answer the question. They'll just respond with open ended responses like "because we can" or "why do you think?" etc. The 3 male voices will sometimes talk at the same time so I can't even follow what's being said because they're all talking over each other and yelling.
The thing is if I get agitated and angry with them it just makes things worse. I've found the better strategy is to be nice to them even when they're mean to me. So for example one of the voices might say "someone is following you and they're going to kill you" or something and even though I know it's not true, I will pretend to believe them and say "thanks for warning me, thank you for looking out for me."
I'm just trying everything to please them and make them become nice. But if they simply refuse to be nice to me then it is what it is. Maybe Clozapine is the answer, but I'm terrified of that drug.