pls mark my question 5!

7

I felt as if I was flying as my leg whipped around me at lightning speed; something I never thought I would achieve. Pirouette, aerial, backflip. Pirouette, aerial…
Crack!
My leg twisted into an angle I never thought was possible. A thought crept in my mind, “Mother is going to be livid”.
Scream after scream ripped out of my throat until my voice went hoarse and raw. Sobbing I tried to sit up but another crack forced me back to the ground, the sound echoing off the plain walls.

Finally, Tommy burst through the door, his eyes widening in horror as he called for help. My face was soaked with tears as flashes of bright blue and red appeared in the window. A young looking lady placed me on a stretcher. Everything faded into a blur, then to black.

Sweaty, hot, and clammy, I opened my eyes a crack and my sobbing mother appeared in front of me, her eyes shimmering before the tears crashed onto the floor like a waterfall. She gazed at me, a shaking hand clasped to her chest. She perches on the edge of the bed and clasps my hand. I stare at it silently. Her raven black hair cascades down her back, a feature I was always jealous of. Instead I got a head of unruly brown hair from Father which resembled a bird's nest on my best hair days.
I had never wanted to dance as much as Mother did, she was a star. She used to look like those ballerinas that seemed so perfect, their movements were almost mechanical. But she’s changed. It’s as if all the light and happiness had drained out of her and she was trying to suck it out of me slowly but surely. I knew that she loved me so I danced until my heart thumped out of my chest, my feet were blistered, and my body bony. Every time I thought that this was the day. The day I would admit I had other dreams, other aspirations. Yet, when I opened my mouth it was like my throat constricted in punishing me from disobeying Mother’s wishes.
“Oh honey, your legs…your legs” she murmured, a fresh set of tears brimming in her eyes.
“Mother, I can’t dance. You know that right?” I questioned, slowly slipping my hands out of her tight grasp.
“You will dance Rachel...” The response was sharp, sinister.
“You know i can’t, Dr Singh said..”, i trail off as i watch her eyes lose all emotion, replaced with something more dark and dangerous.
“Rachel, do it for mummy.”
She averts her black cold eyes from my stiff body to the poster on the wall. It’s of a young girl wearing prosthetic legs. She’s running beside another girl, laughing and I gaze at her sun-kissed, rosy cheeks and her golden gift of hair.
“You can still dance with prosthetic legs Rachel”, she declared.
“I don’t want to focus on just dance. I.. I want to be a vet”. I twist my hands waiting for a response, the air is as still as ever waiting for the tension to pass.
“Are you trying to negotiate?”, she snapped whilst abruptly getting up and walking to the door. “ Know your place” she hissed.
I sit up, looking at my long limbs which don’t work anymore, the white, pristine walls which will be my new home until my legs work. Why did I think she would change?

Reply 1

aaryathombre

11

I really like this! You've used some good phrases here, and some good use of language devices. I also really like the question at the end, it gives the writing a nice finish.

Overall, this would probably be around 26-29/40.

I did notice that you've made quite a few punctuation errors, and i would say this whole thing has quite a lot of speech. Maybe also try to use more ambitious vocab.

idk what year you are in but im in year 11 giving my exam in 2025 so this is some of the stuff my teachers told me when marking my work :wink:

Reply 2

labyr5nth

13

Original post

by aaryathombre

I really like this! You've used some good phrases here, and some good use of language devices. I also really like the question at the end, it gives the writing a nice finish.
Overall, this would probably be around 26-29/40.
I did notice that you've made quite a few punctuation errors, and i would say this whole thing has quite a lot of speech. Maybe also try to use more ambitious vocab.
idk what year you are in but im in year 11 giving my exam in 2025 so this is some of the stuff my teachers told me when marking my work :wink:

overall, okay response however i will grade this 10/40
. The '!' after " I really like this" helps set the tone- excitement, enthusiasm, exhilaration.
however the dichotomous nature of ur writing really stands out; initially u used capital letters but at the end you ended with saying "idk what year you are in". This lacks the consistency to award it anything above a level 2.
moreover, the oversharing of saying that you are in "year 11" will not help u achieve pity marks from the examiner (me) and quite frankly is a waste of space (like you despite u being skinny and taking up less space than me in general settings).
Maybe also try to use more ambitious vocab.

Reply 3

aaryathombre

11

Original post

by labyr5nth

overall, okay response however i will grade this 10/40
. The '!' after " I really like this" helps set the tone- excitement, enthusiasm, exhilaration.
however the dichotomous nature of ur writing really stands out; initially u used capital letters but at the end you ended with saying "idk what year you are in". This lacks the consistency to award it anything above a level 2.
moreover, the oversharing of saying that you are in "year 11" will not help u achieve pity marks from the examiner (me) and quite frankly is a waste of space (like you despite u being skinny and taking up less space than me in general settings).
Maybe also try to use more ambitious vocab.

In ‘The student room’ Laby5rnth can be presented as an extremely duplicitous character. Through the phrase ‘pity marks’, this emphasises the callous nature of the character especially in terms of discriminating against short people, as it is evident that aaryathombre is often looked down upon (quite literally) due to her height. Furthermore, the adjective ‘skinny’ also highlights the severe impacts that the character’s words can have on others. After seeing the notification from Laby5rnth replying to the post, this foreshadows a sense of duality since the character still continued to keep their identify a secret, despite their true self already being revealed, in order to express their hubristic tone. Finally, the chacter comments on aaryathombre being a ‘waste’ of ‘space’ which mirrors her true thoughts not just online, but also in real life. Later on in the play, the audience can foreshadow Labyrnth’s hamartia which leads to their downfall.

Reply 4

labyr5nth

13

Original post

by aaryathombre

In ‘The student room’ Laby5rnth can be presented as an extremely duplicitous character. Through the phrase ‘pity marks’, this emphasises the callous nature of the character especially in terms of discriminating against short people, as it is evident that aaryathombre is often looked down upon (quite literally) due to her height. Furthermore, the adjective ‘skinny’ also highlights the severe impacts that the character’s words can have on others. After seeing the notification from Laby5rnth replying to the post, this foreshadows a sense of duality since the character still continued to keep their identify a secret, despite their true self already being revealed, in order to express their hubristic tone. Finally, the chacter comments on aaryathombre being a ‘waste’ of ‘space’ which mirrors her true thoughts not just online, but also in real life. Later on in the play, the audience can foreshadow Labyrnth’s hamartia which leads to their downfall.

"aaryathombre" still continues to use her full name on the student room, I wouldn't be surprised if her full address is visible in her profile too. I will deny the fact this made me laugh due to an innocent attempt prevent aarya's hamartia getting the best of her. her big head - both physically and metaphorically- symbolise how we should never judge a book by its cover--> a big brain in this scenario doesn't equate to intelligence. did that comment offend u in any way? If so then I think u are more hubristic than I am due to u thinking u can get away with ms giordan's and pham's regicide without any of us knowing. just because you couldn't even complete the bronze starter doesn't give u the right to do this o valiant cousin, brave gentleman (act 1 scene 2) its like u have a deformity without any nameable malformation- chief of sinners chief of sufferers.

lab5rinth would like to ask you how much u revise every day out of curiousty

Reply 5

AishaCastelo

OP

7

Original post

by aaryathombre

I really like this! You've used some good phrases here, and some good use of language devices. I also really like the question at the end, it gives the writing a nice finish.
Overall, this would probably be around 26-29/40.
I did notice that you've made quite a few punctuation errors, and i would say this whole thing has quite a lot of speech. Maybe also try to use more ambitious vocab.
idk what year you are in but im in year 11 giving my exam in 2025 so this is some of the stuff my teachers told me when marking my work :wink:

thank you. So what grades do you get in your essays? also whats going on here are u fighting with someone lol

Reply 6

aaryathombre

11

Original post

by AishaCastelo

thank you. So what grades do you get in your essays? also whats going on here are u fighting with someone lol

hehe just a bit of friendly banter
🤣
i end up getting around grade 8-9 in my essays

Reply 7

aaryathombre

11

Original post

by labyr5nth

"aaryathombre" still continues to use her full name on the student room, I wouldn't be surprised if her full address is visible in her profile too. I will deny the fact this made me laugh due to an innocent attempt prevent aarya's hamartia getting the best of her. her big head - both physically and metaphorically- symbolise how we should never judge a book by its cover--> a big brain in this scenario doesn't equate to intelligence. did that comment offend u in any way? If so then I think u are more hubristic than I am due to u thinking u can get away with ms giordan's and pham's regicide without any of us knowing. just because you couldn't even complete the bronze starter doesn't give u the right to do this o valiant cousin, brave gentleman (act 1 scene 2) its like u have a deformity without any nameable malformation- chief of sinners chief of sufferers.
lab5rinth would like to ask you how much u revise every day out of curiousty

In 'The Student Room' there is a portrayal of significant tension between these characters. Some may call it 'friendly banter' however, Laby5rnth is known for their lies and deceit when it comes to life.

During a ‘capture the flag’ PE lesson, Laby5rnth was able to overcome the clutches of patriarchy and successfully steal the opposing team’s flag by hiding it under their blazer. This cruel and violent act can signify that the character is a tyrannical ruler, but also shows the level of smartness Laby5rnth has. Aaryathombre, who revises for 5 hrs a day, shows a notable contrast to Laby5rnth’s pompous nature; which is evident since they are bourgeoisie and show no appreciation for the working class. Evidently, when Labr5nth asks how many hours aaryathombre revises ‘out of curiosity’ this is implied as a mocking tone.

Another way Laby5rnth shows manipulation is by failing to commit to the 4 levels of thriving. In Act 1, Year 7, Laby5rnth managed to unlock aaryathombre’s iphone, tricking other students around her. As the act continues Laby5rnth stated ‘I saw your phone password.’ The verb ‘saw’ implies that Laby5rnth is indeed a fraud, not a hacker. This highlights the downfall of the ‘Ad Astra’ which seems to have reverse effects on its students.

pls mark my question 5!

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