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does body count matter when getting to know someone?

i am 23F with a body count of 9 and i was getting to know a potential partner and everything was going well but he rejected me when he asked me about my body count - to which i answered honestly and he said that by statistics people who have higher body counts are more likely to cheat. this has happened like a month ago and i've been overthinking it ever since.

Reply 1

Zarek

21

This might have been only one factor or even an excuse. If you like someone from what I’ve seen what has gone before is of little relevance. I also think that what anyone chooses to share about previous sexual partners is their decision and there is not an absolute obligation to answer these questions completely honestly or at all

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Original post

by Anonymous

i am 23F with a body count of 9 and i was getting to know a potential partner and everything was going well but he rejected me when he asked me about my body count - to which i answered honestly and he said that by statistics people who have higher body counts are more likely to cheat. this has happened like a month ago and i've been overthinking it ever since.

"Body Count" is not a nice term to use either, it shows, to me anyway, a lack of respect ,as if they were "just bodies" and then I would be thinking "am I just another "body" " for her ?. Im only saying ,and no disrespect to you, it may be norm language nowadays ?.

Reply 3

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

21

He just sounds thick or prudish. I would not take it to heart.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

Original post

by Admit-One

He just sounds thick or prudish. I would not take it to heart.

I guess depends if HE is looking for a "body" or a "relationship"

Reply 5

Anonymous #3

Original post

by Anonymous

i am 23F with a body count of 9 and i was getting to know a potential partner and everything was going well but he rejected me when he asked me about my body count - to which i answered honestly and he said that by statistics people who have higher body counts are more likely to cheat. this has happened like a month ago and i've been overthinking it ever since.

I'm going to be controversial.

The research does say this, and I would be lying if I said men don't categorise women in one of 2 categories because of this. The research does pose an interesting point and that is the more partners you have, the more likely you would have issues bonding to your partner - part of the reason why there is a higher tendency to cheat. Guys also don't always need to know the exact number, if they are socially and emotionally intelligent enough they can roughly tell whether you behave in such a way.

If you're not dating to find a partner or settle down, it's going to work against you.

If you have too many partners, you might need to reflect on why you have that many (some say the problem lies with one person, but it takes 2 to tango). Whilst 9 isn't an astronomically high number, it's not lower than say 5 (the sort of number long term partners are looking for).
If you do have relationship related issues or mental health issues, it's worth exploring with a therapist (and ideally a decent life coach as well). Any past issues/trauma with your relationships can carry onto your next relationship, and that won't be fair on anyone.

Does that mean you should lie about your body count? No, because it's neither fair on him and he will find out eventually - which unnecessarily adds another number on top. The person who knows should accept you for what it is, but I wouldn't make it more difficult than it needs to be. I know people who managed to settle down with a partner and had counts more than 10, but it's going to be rare and they worked hard to find such people.

Having said that, it's your life and you choose how to live it in accordance to your values. Just beware of the consequences and how some people would react.

Reply 6

Rakas21

21

Original post

by Anonymous

i am 23F with a body count of 9 and i was getting to know a potential partner and everything was going well but he rejected me when he asked me about my body count - to which i answered honestly and he said that by statistics people who have higher body counts are more likely to cheat. this has happened like a month ago and i've been overthinking it ever since.

He’s actually not wrong. Data from the US shows that a body count of 7 is correlated to a higher than average risk of divorce (virgins on the other hand have a divorce rate about half of average). While not tied to cheating per se, it is logical and promiscuity is a proxy for a higher risk of cheating.

While there’s probably more nuances (how many of those were ONS and how recent), I tend to applaud him. He’s clearly looking for something serious and unlike most men (including myself at that age), he has the conviction to follow through and express his preferences and boundaries. He sounds like he’ll make somebody a great husband and father if that conviction follows through in other aspects of his life.

Reply 7

Rakas21

21

Original post

by Zarek

This might have been only one factor or even an excuse. If you like someone from what I’ve seen what has gone before is of little relevance. I also think that what anyone chooses to share about previous sexual partners is their decision and there is not an absolute obligation to answer these questions completely honestly or at all

While you can debate the impact that previous behaviour has on future behaviour (and psychology strongly suggests your wrong, past performance is a great indicator of future behaviour - we even built an insurance industry out of it), suggesting that answering those questions not honestly would be justified is essentially building a relationship on deceit, a terrible idea.

There’s nothing wrong with refusing to answer a question (though most people would be suspicious) but if answered, it should be honest.

Reply 8

Zarek

21

Original post

by Rakas21

While you can debate the impact that previous behaviour has on future behaviour (and psychology strongly suggests your wrong, past performance is a great indicator of future behaviour - we even built an insurance industry out of it), suggesting that answering those questions not honestly would be justified is essentially building a relationship on deceit, a terrible idea.
There’s nothing wrong with refusing to answer a question (though most people would be suspicious) but if answered, it should be honest.

I didn’t say that the past isn’t an indicator of future behaviour. Just that there is not an automatic right to expect everything to be shared transparently, particularly in the early days

Reply 9

Kallisto

Entertainment Forum Helper, Life & Style Forum Helper

22

Original post

by Anonymous

"Body Count" is not a nice term to use either, it shows, to me anyway, a lack of respect ,as if they were "just bodies" and then I would be thinking "am I just another "body" " for her ?. Im only saying ,and no disrespect to you, it may be norm language nowadays ?.

Seems to be the new norm language for youngest generation for having sex. And I agree: the term is disrespectful, it regards people as items, not as living creatures.

Reply 10

Dunnig Kruger

20

You're not a statistic. You're you. You can easily make it so that statistics don't apply to you.

You should have treated his question as a "**** test".
**** tests are easy to pass, when you know how.

1.

Ignore what they said and carry on the conversation with the topic of your choice.

2.

Agree and exaggerate. Or for the more advanced, in certain situations, disagree and exaggerate or gently make fun of what was said (in a socially calibrated way).

3.

Deliberately misinterpret what they said and treat it as a compliment. EG "That's flattering that you're thinking of me in sexual terms. But we've only just met. Let's take things slow before getting onto anything sexual." (followed by you not necessarily taking things slow at all)

Some men have a fetish about women being virgins or having a low body count.
For a lot of men, the decision on whether to get involved with someone is predominantly an emotional one. They may seize on any excuse to pretend it's a logical one.
There are things you can do to maximise the chances of you pressing the right emotional buttons.

From your point of view, 9 at the age of 23 is an ideal number. You've served your apprenticeship in meeting men and getting involved with them. It's entirely up to you where you go from here. You can continue to sample different men. Or you can settle down with one man. Chances are, you may have to cycle through a few more men before you find the right man to settle with. One that's not perfect, but is good enough for you and compatible with you in the 6 key areas.

I have a feeling that if you were to fully describe this bloke that turned you down, it would make a good set of anecdotes. And that what he said and did reflects more on him than it does on you.

Onwards and upwards for you. See if you can make number 10 your nearly perfect 9.7...

does body count matter when getting to know someone?

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