The Student Room Group

Believe I'm ugly but suddenly getting SO MUCH MALE ATTENTION idk what to do

I’ve grown up with the deeply ingrained belief that I’m unattractive, boring, and lacking personality. I’m 18 now, and I’ve held onto this mindset for as long as I can remember. Recently, though, I’ve started receiving male attention for the first time, and I’m struggling to navigate it because it’s so unfamiliar.

I still feel unattractive, which makes me uncomfortable in these situations, often to the point where I just want to run away. I can’t tell if someone is genuinely kind and interested in me or if they have creepy or ulterior motives. This uncertainty leaves me feeling awkward and uneasy.

When I stay in these situations, I sometimes feel used, as if they don’t see me as a person but as a means to an end. I often question their intentions, wondering if it’s a joke, a dare, or something insincere, or if there’s something wrong with them for wanting to spend time with me.

I’m also unsure of what’s considered safe or unsafe. Most of the time, these men are strangers who just approach me, and I don’t know how to tell if they’re being honest or manipulative. How can I figure out if someone’s genuine, and what can I do to feel more confident in handling these situations? I also then worry that maybe these men are not attractive or have been turned down by every single other girl which is why they are resorting to me. I also feel super uncomfortable meeting people who are outwardly interested in me sexually/want more - I am only ever comfortable with someone if I know them as a friend first and then we hang out etc take it super slow and then they slowly flirt and after a while the dynamic changes. But this never happens and its always only people who I don't know who are interested in me and I am not attracted to them but really want to experience teenage love. I'm just really naiive have no experience and I am far too kind to people, I put myself at personal harm or risk to make other people happy and not to disappoint them so I am worried this may get dangerous for me. Please help me!!!!!! I can't tell if I self-sabotage any potential love or romance by deciding its unsafe or creepy or if I am really just being realistic.
Original post by Anonymous
I’ve grown up with the deeply ingrained belief that I’m unattractive, boring, and lacking personality. I’m 18 now, and I’ve held onto this mindset for as long as I can remember. Recently, though, I’ve started receiving male attention for the first time, and I’m struggling to navigate it because it’s so unfamiliar.
I still feel unattractive, which makes me uncomfortable in these situations, often to the point where I just want to run away. I can’t tell if someone is genuinely kind and interested in me or if they have creepy or ulterior motives. This uncertainty leaves me feeling awkward and uneasy.
When I stay in these situations, I sometimes feel used, as if they don’t see me as a person but as a means to an end. I often question their intentions, wondering if it’s a joke, a dare, or something insincere, or if there’s something wrong with them for wanting to spend time with me.
I’m also unsure of what’s considered safe or unsafe. Most of the time, these men are strangers who just approach me, and I don’t know how to tell if they’re being honest or manipulative. How can I figure out if someone’s genuine, and what can I do to feel more confident in handling these situations? I also then worry that maybe these men are not attractive or have been turned down by every single other girl which is why they are resorting to me. I also feel super uncomfortable meeting people who are outwardly interested in me sexually/want more - I am only ever comfortable with someone if I know them as a friend first and then we hang out etc take it super slow and then they slowly flirt and after a while the dynamic changes. But this never happens and its always only people who I don't know who are interested in me and I am not attracted to them but really want to experience teenage love. I'm just really naiive have no experience and I am far too kind to people, I put myself at personal harm or risk to make other people happy and not to disappoint them so I am worried this may get dangerous for me. Please help me!!!!!! I can't tell if I self-sabotage any potential love or romance by deciding its unsafe or creepy or if I am really just being realistic.

Your feelings are extremely valid. I know exactly how you feel, it's gotten so bad for me (this discomfort) that I've completely shut myself out from society. I don't go outside unless necessary and I don't post myself or anything out of fear of being used. I haven't been in a relationship in ages (even though I do crave love and comfort). Attention, especially when it's new and unfamiliar, can be overwhelming.

If you do want to change the way you perceive yourself (which I'm guessing is what you want to do considering you've come forth with this issue) you have to find the exact root of these beliefs. Were you bullied? Did you face some sort of sexual attention as a child that you weren't comfortable with? (Of course, don't answer these - they're super personal, just ideas for reflection.) It's also important to develop a strong sense of worth and confidence. Fake it 'till you make it. This doesn't happen overnight though, you're only 18, you've got ages ahead of you. A good start is always self-love. Take yourself out, go for a nice walk, look in the mirror and appreciate all the changes your body (and mind!!) has gone through. Feel free to look at old photos, even if they were you at your lowest. List all the ways you're not like who you use to be and if these are negative - twist them to be positive. Force it if you have to. Being optimistic is the best way to go about self-love. You mentioned being "Too kind." there is no such thing! It's not at all a weakness, it's a strength. Would you rather be stone-cold emotionless? Empathy is something many people lack these days, especially with the anonymity of the internet. Be proud of the kindness you have. When do start to feel more confident in yourself, it becomes easier to set boundaries and trust your instincts, which helps you feel more comfortable in these cases.
Speaking of setting boundaries, you said you feel like you're too accommodating. It all comes down to setting boundaries. I, personally, have 3 chance system. I lay down my boundaries when I first meet someone (or, use to, lol) and if they broke it once I'd remind them not to, if they broke it twice i'd have a serious talk with them, and if they broke it a third time it wasn't meant to be. Practice listening to your intuition - if something feels off, it's off. Since you're still young, you probably won't find the perfect partner anytime soon. It's okay to let some people come and go. Especially if you feel like they have alterior motives. Practice saying no, if you need to. Whether it's with friends or family or strangers, learn that saying no is okay and most people (heavy on the most) will have little to no problem with it and will accept your decision. "No, I don't really feel like it." "I'm not in the mood." "No, I don't want to do this." are some examples of firm but not mean ways to say no.

There are some easy red flags to spot although others are better at hiding them. Here's a general list of red-flags: Pushiness, ignoring your boundaries, trying to rush intimacy, making you feel guilty for saying no, or showing controlling behavior.
Genuine behaviours: Respect for your boundaries, willingness to take things slow, and showing interest in you as a person, not just physically
Original post by Anonymous
Your feelings are extremely valid. I know exactly how you feel, it's gotten so bad for me (this discomfort) that I've completely shut myself out from society. I don't go outside unless necessary and I don't post myself or anything out of fear of being used. I haven't been in a relationship in ages (even though I do crave love and comfort). Attention, especially when it's new and unfamiliar, can be overwhelming.
If you do want to change the way you perceive yourself (which I'm guessing is what you want to do considering you've come forth with this issue) you have to find the exact root of these beliefs. Were you bullied? Did you face some sort of sexual attention as a child that you weren't comfortable with? (Of course, don't answer these - they're super personal, just ideas for reflection.) It's also important to develop a strong sense of worth and confidence. Fake it 'till you make it. This doesn't happen overnight though, you're only 18, you've got ages ahead of you. A good start is always self-love. Take yourself out, go for a nice walk, look in the mirror and appreciate all the changes your body (and mind!!) has gone through. Feel free to look at old photos, even if they were you at your lowest. List all the ways you're not like who you use to be and if these are negative - twist them to be positive. Force it if you have to. Being optimistic is the best way to go about self-love. You mentioned being "Too kind." there is no such thing! It's not at all a weakness, it's a strength. Would you rather be stone-cold emotionless? Empathy is something many people lack these days, especially with the anonymity of the internet. Be proud of the kindness you have. When do start to feel more confident in yourself, it becomes easier to set boundaries and trust your instincts, which helps you feel more comfortable in these cases.
Speaking of setting boundaries, you said you feel like you're too accommodating. It all comes down to setting boundaries. I, personally, have 3 chance system. I lay down my boundaries when I first meet someone (or, use to, lol) and if they broke it once I'd remind them not to, if they broke it twice i'd have a serious talk with them, and if they broke it a third time it wasn't meant to be. Practice listening to your intuition - if something feels off, it's off. Since you're still young, you probably won't find the perfect partner anytime soon. It's okay to let some people come and go. Especially if you feel like they have alterior motives. Practice saying no, if you need to. Whether it's with friends or family or strangers, learn that saying no is okay and most people (heavy on the most) will have little to no problem with it and will accept your decision. "No, I don't really feel like it." "I'm not in the mood." "No, I don't want to do this." are some examples of firm but not mean ways to say no.
There are some easy red flags to spot although others are better at hiding them. Here's a general list of red-flags: Pushiness, ignoring your boundaries, trying to rush intimacy, making you feel guilty for saying no, or showing controlling behavior.
Genuine behaviours: Respect for your boundaries, willingness to take things slow, and showing interest in you as a person, not just physically

P.S: if you do feel like you're exhibiting self-sabotaging behaviours, it's most likely from a place of low self-worth, you unconsciously believe they don't truly love you etc.
Practicing self-love and increasing your confidence should be your priority! I know it's hard, it's a long process, but there are people who are able to help you.
Worst case scenario, get a therapist.

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