Help. I can't tell if I'm a horrible person or OCD or domething

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Spoiler

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 1

Hi there, the Samaritans provide a listening service where you can talk through your concerns or worries, it may be useful for you to give them a call: Samaritans

Reply 2

savethetigers888

this is ocd, when i was 20 my ocd was similar to this, it was at its worst. however since then i have had ocd treatment and started medication. go to the doctor he will refer you to a ocd specialist and prescribe medication. since i took citalopram my ocd has vanished by 80 per cent.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Original post

by Anonymous

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Spoiler

I'm going to refer to myself as X for reference
Trigger warning as well:
You don't understand how relieved this makes me to hear someone feeling similar. Well, not that I want anyone to go through this, but I'm glad I'm not alone. Sorry if that sounds selfish. I have been experiencing horrible intrusive thoughts since I was around 10 now. I only had 1 at 10 years old, but then they resurfaced around 15 years old.I am a 17 year old female. They either have a vulgar and violent nature or a horrid sexual nature. It makes me feel sick. I get an intrusive thought in my head of me having s*x with my dad. It's so vile and completely out of character. And also of fin***ing my little sister who is 8. It makes me think I'm evil. I also have scary thoughts of like stabbing myself or my family dying via very gruesome horrible deaths, just imagining the worst possible scenario. Also, they all play out in extreme detail, which is terrifying.
In addition, when I was around 11 I used to fantasise about dying, but I was so afraid of it, so I was thinking of painless ways to go. That was when I learnt about carbon monoxide poisoning in school. So I hoped that I would get carbon monoxide poisoning and fall asleep forever. These sort of things make me truly believe that I am a psycho. Also, a strange humour of people my age is to be racist, sexist, or make pae****ile jokes. My friend group at sixth form just decided to choose to joke around and make out that I'm a pae****ile, which is absolutely horrible, making jokes like: if we walk past a primary school on our way somewhere they'll say "Oh look, X! Your favourite spot!" And I suppose if they did it once, I'd probably brush it off, but it is a regular ongoing thing, and then my stupid brain makes me question whether I am one. I know I'm not, but I feel so so so evil. Also I'm quite sensitive so I don't take lightly to "bully humour". It makes me questions everything about myself and play into the narrative of what that person said, even if I know they're joking. Like one of my friends may joke and say I'm really ugly, but I will take it literally. So I think I have OCD. Then there's the issue where I believe I may be suffering from depression aswell.
I get huge, random waves of intense sadness, like today, where I just lie in bed, crying and emotionless and wanting to die. I lack motivation for even simple things now. As of right now, I don't think I've been in the shower or had a wash for 6 or 7 days. I often skip brushing my teeth before bed, I have started waking up so late that I can only leave the house looking like a tramp. I look in the mirror and I feel sick because I don't recognise this girl. Mental problems are eating away at me. I also compare my body to my younger self, but specifically when I was 11, as my face and body were really skinny, but obviously that body is not attainable, especially after having gone through puberty and all. It makes me so mad. Also I used to have a deep hatred towards my middle sister, as she is terribly terribly behaved. She would be so rude to me and destroy my mental health daily (still does now if I'm honest, but that is a separate issue). Point is, I genuinely used to HATE my own family. And I felt so so so evil for it. I also feel evil for thinking all these things and feeling so bad about them because I remind myself that there are much worse things going on in the world right now like people dying in war and dying of hunger. But that's just how I work unfortunately. Also I am very very scared of pain. I always make sure to be super super careful when handling anything that could possibly hurt me. Like when I get something out the microwave I always use oven gloves because I'm scared I'll burn myself. Finally I also have a tendency to push away anything that could possibly be good for me, because I feel unworthy and undeserving. I can't see a therapist, and I definitely can't bring up this horrible issue to my family. Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop the thoughts?? I can't live like this. I just want to be normal.