I don't want to break up with my bf but I want to date my ex
I know, I sound like a horrible person from the title.
I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is the best guy I ever met, he's a Christian, great values, great looks, great humour, everything about him is great and he overall makes me strive to be the best version of myself I can be.
My ex is the completely antithesis of that. He's an enabler. I recently ran into him again, 2 days ago, and we've gotten to talking. He encouraged me to indulge in an old bad habit of mine, and I did, and it felt great. It feels nice not having to hide who I truly am - the stuff I enjoy doing. I feel like I can be fully transparent with my ex although with my current boyfriend I can't do that. But I know the only one I can see a future with is my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I told my ex that I need to distance myself from him and I have been but I just miss those nights of not giving a **** and doing whatever I want.
I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is the best guy I ever met, he's a Christian, great values, great looks, great humour, everything about him is great and he overall makes me strive to be the best version of myself I can be.
My ex is the completely antithesis of that. He's an enabler. I recently ran into him again, 2 days ago, and we've gotten to talking. He encouraged me to indulge in an old bad habit of mine, and I did, and it felt great. It feels nice not having to hide who I truly am - the stuff I enjoy doing. I feel like I can be fully transparent with my ex although with my current boyfriend I can't do that. But I know the only one I can see a future with is my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I told my ex that I need to distance myself from him and I have been but I just miss those nights of not giving a **** and doing whatever I want.
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Reply 1
I think you already know the answer to this one.
Reply 2
Original post
by AnonymousI know, I sound like a horrible person from the title.
I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is the best guy I ever met, he's a Christian, great values, great looks, great humour, everything about him is great and he overall makes me strive to be the best version of myself I can be.
My ex is the completely antithesis of that. He's an enabler. I recently ran into him again, 2 days ago, and we've gotten to talking. He encouraged me to indulge in an old bad habit of mine, and I did, and it felt great. It feels nice not having to hide who I truly am - the stuff I enjoy doing. I feel like I can be fully transparent with my ex although with my current boyfriend I can't do that. But I know the only one I can see a future with is my current boyfriend.
Me and my ex have been getting high for 2 days now after my boyfriend goes to sleep. I don't know what to do. I told my ex that I need to distance myself from him and I have been but I just miss those nights of not giving a **** and doing whatever I want.
I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is the best guy I ever met, he's a Christian, great values, great looks, great humour, everything about him is great and he overall makes me strive to be the best version of myself I can be.
My ex is the completely antithesis of that. He's an enabler. I recently ran into him again, 2 days ago, and we've gotten to talking. He encouraged me to indulge in an old bad habit of mine, and I did, and it felt great. It feels nice not having to hide who I truly am - the stuff I enjoy doing. I feel like I can be fully transparent with my ex although with my current boyfriend I can't do that. But I know the only one I can see a future with is my current boyfriend.
Me and my ex have been getting high for 2 days now after my boyfriend goes to sleep. I don't know what to do. I told my ex that I need to distance myself from him and I have been but I just miss those nights of not giving a **** and doing whatever I want.
"My boyfriend is a great guy but I enjoy cheating on him and I don't know what to do" Tf you mean 🤣. I'm pretty sure that DOES make you a horrible person. You should just break up with him so he can be with someone who actually respects him.
Reply 3
Neither of these men are the right man for you.
Your ex will drag you down into his degenerate swamp of a life.
Your current boyfriend is too stiff / too judgemental / too intolerant / too boring / too nicey nice.
Your current boyfriend could be the perfect man for you, with a few tweaks here and there. You might be able influence him to become a great boyfriend for you. A reasonable place to start would be for you to open up to him more so that he can see the true inner you. If this results in him dumping you, so be it.
If he can't or won't change, the best bet is to find a man that will give you adventure and excitement, whilst being great company, with the love and the care, without the pacts with the devil that comes from taking substances.
It seems that both these guys would put you in a metaphorical straight-jacket / padded cell / prison.
One trapped in substance abuse.
The other in doing everything "conventionally".
Your ex will drag you down into his degenerate swamp of a life.
Your current boyfriend is too stiff / too judgemental / too intolerant / too boring / too nicey nice.
Your current boyfriend could be the perfect man for you, with a few tweaks here and there. You might be able influence him to become a great boyfriend for you. A reasonable place to start would be for you to open up to him more so that he can see the true inner you. If this results in him dumping you, so be it.
If he can't or won't change, the best bet is to find a man that will give you adventure and excitement, whilst being great company, with the love and the care, without the pacts with the devil that comes from taking substances.
It seems that both these guys would put you in a metaphorical straight-jacket / padded cell / prison.
One trapped in substance abuse.
The other in doing everything "conventionally".
Reply 4
Original post
by pagan-scimitar"My boyfriend is a great guy but I enjoy cheating on him and I don't know what to do" Tf you mean 🤣. I'm pretty sure that DOES make you a horrible person. You should just break up with him so he can be with someone who actually respects him.
I'm not cheating on him - me and my ex haven't done anything but talk as friends and get high lol
Reply 5
Original post
by Dunnig KrugerNeither of these men are the right man for you.
Your ex will drag you down into his degenerate swamp of a life.
Your current boyfriend is too stiff / too judgemental / too intolerant / too boring / too nicey nice.
Your current boyfriend could be the perfect man for you, with a few tweaks here and there. You might be able influence him to become a great boyfriend for you. A reasonable place to start would be for you to open up to him more so that he can see the true inner you. If this results in him dumping you, so be it.
If he can't or won't change, the best bet is to find a man that will give you adventure and excitement, whilst being great company, with the love and the care, without the pacts with the devil that comes from taking substances.
It seems that both these guys would put you in a metaphorical straight-jacket / padded cell / prison.
One trapped in substance abuse.
The other in doing everything "conventionally".
Your ex will drag you down into his degenerate swamp of a life.
Your current boyfriend is too stiff / too judgemental / too intolerant / too boring / too nicey nice.
Your current boyfriend could be the perfect man for you, with a few tweaks here and there. You might be able influence him to become a great boyfriend for you. A reasonable place to start would be for you to open up to him more so that he can see the true inner you. If this results in him dumping you, so be it.
If he can't or won't change, the best bet is to find a man that will give you adventure and excitement, whilst being great company, with the love and the care, without the pacts with the devil that comes from taking substances.
It seems that both these guys would put you in a metaphorical straight-jacket / padded cell / prison.
One trapped in substance abuse.
The other in doing everything "conventionally".
I guess but I doubt I'll never be able to find " the one " - know myself, i know what I'm like, i know what I can be like. It's either I'm the worst version of myself or forcing myself to be the best
Reply 6
Original post
by AnonymousI'm not cheating on him - me and my ex haven't done anything but talk as friends and get high lol
Are you sure? If you were just friends you wouldn't need to wait until your boyfriend is asleep...
Reply 7
Original post
by pagan-scimitarAre you sure? If you were just friends you wouldn't need to wait until your boyfriend is asleep...
I don't wait for him to go to sleep it just happens to be that way - sorry if that's what I made it seem. My boyfriend has an online job where he works abroad and because of that his sleep schedule is a bit different to mine, he goes to bed way earlier than I do and i tend to stay up late
Reply 8
Don’t tell your bf.
Reply 9
Original post
by AnonymousI guess but I doubt I'll never be able to find " the one " - know myself, i know what I'm like, i know what I can be like. It's either I'm the worst version of myself or forcing myself to be the best
You know what you're like. We don't. So we can't give you the best guidance here. You'll have to be your own advisor.
You've gotten at least 2 guys to be your boyfriend. With each of them having very different perspectives on life.
You'll be able to get yourself other boyfriends. So I'm not buying the the doubt about you ever finding "the one". And by that I have no doubt that you have doubts right now. But I'm confident that your doubts are not well founded.
We're not talking about getting "the one". We're talking about getting a "better one".
Nobody's perfect. You deserve a guy that's a better match for you than the 2 guys you've been talking about.
This new guy may not be as good looking as your current boyfriend - for example - but that's fine if your perspectives on life are a better match.
Reply 10
21
Original post
by AnonymousI'm not cheating on him - me and my ex haven't done anything but talk as friends and get high lol
Your boyfriend is far too soft if he allows you to speak with your ex however exes are such for a reason and you are demonstrating poor judgement.
Reply 11
Original post
by Rakas21Your boyfriend is far too soft if he allows you to speak with your ex however exes are such for a reason and you are demonstrating poor judgement.
I see that as a big plus point if the boyfriend allows the original poster to talk to whomever she wants.
It takes more mental and emotional strength to allow one's partner to talk to whomever they want.
Trying to impose some sort of ban on talking to an ex would be a sign of emotional weakness.
Although it sounds like the current boyfriend doesn't have a say in the matter. As he doesn't know she's talking to the ex and doing things with him.
Reply 12
Original post
by AnonymousI'm not cheating on him - me and my ex haven't done anything but talk as friends and get high lol
Translated to non cuckoo-land language:
"I am actively cheating on my boyfriend"
Hope this helps 👍️
Reply 13
Original post
by Dunnig KrugerI see that as a big plus point if the boyfriend allows the original poster to talk to whomever she wants.
It takes more mental and emotional strength to allow one's partner to talk to whomever they want.
Trying to impose some sort of ban on talking to an ex would be a sign of emotional weakness.
Although it sounds like the current boyfriend doesn't have a say in the matter. As he doesn't know she's talking to the ex and doing things with him.
It takes more mental and emotional strength to allow one's partner to talk to whomever they want.
Trying to impose some sort of ban on talking to an ex would be a sign of emotional weakness.
Although it sounds like the current boyfriend doesn't have a say in the matter. As he doesn't know she's talking to the ex and doing things with him.
I let my ex talk to her ex because she still wanted to be friends with him. Guess what happened 3 months later? He gave her this big speech about how he misses her and she broke up with me to give him one final chance. She won’t care or appreciate if you allow them to talk, you have to set the boundary.
Reply 14
Original post
by throwaway300I let my ex talk to her ex because she still wanted to be friends with him. Guess what happened 3 months later? He gave her this big speech about how he misses her and she broke up with me to give him one final chance. She won’t care or appreciate if you allow them to talk, you have to set the boundary.
The whole “let her” thing is so ew ew ew. You didn’t LET her do anything. It comes down to your ex gf being tapped
Reply 15
Original post
by throwaway300I let my ex talk to her ex because she still wanted to be friends with him. Guess what happened 3 months later? He gave her this big speech about how he misses her and she broke up with me to give him one final chance. She won’t care or appreciate if you allow them to talk, you have to set the boundary.
Trying to stop her talking to her ex would have been a big mistake.
She would have either ignored your commands and spoken to him anyway.
Or she would have obeyed your commands and resented you for restricting her freedom in this way.
You either want your relationship to be based on the firmest of foundations. Or you want it to be over.
Reply 16
21
Original post
by Dunnig KrugerTrying to stop her talking to her ex would have been a big mistake.
She would have either ignored your commands and spoken to him anyway.
Or she would have obeyed your commands and resented you for restricting her freedom in this way.
You either want your relationship to be based on the firmest of foundations. Or you want it to be over.
She would have either ignored your commands and spoken to him anyway.
Or she would have obeyed your commands and resented you for restricting her freedom in this way.
You either want your relationship to be based on the firmest of foundations. Or you want it to be over.
I think your overestimating how many women resent a man for saying no and setting a boundary.
I've never had a relationship fail even indirectly because I'd set a hard boundary.
There are some who would resent that of course but one questions if those women are really prepared for the compromises necessary in a marriage.
Reply 17
Original post
by Rakas21I think your overestimating how many women resent a man for saying no and setting a boundary.
I've never had a relationship fail even indirectly because I'd set a hard boundary.
There are some who would resent that of course but one questions if those women are really prepared for the compromises necessary in a marriage.
I've never had a relationship fail even indirectly because I'd set a hard boundary.
There are some who would resent that of course but one questions if those women are really prepared for the compromises necessary in a marriage.
Why have your relationships ended?
Reply 18
Original post
by Rakas21I think your overestimating how many women resent a man for saying no and setting a boundary.
I've never had a relationship fail even indirectly because I'd set a hard boundary.
There are some who would resent that of course but one questions if those women are really prepared for the compromises necessary in a marriage.
I've never had a relationship fail even indirectly because I'd set a hard boundary.
There are some who would resent that of course but one questions if those women are really prepared for the compromises necessary in a marriage.
NGL I'm with Dunnig on this one. If I were in a relationship, either we have the same values & understand each other, or we do not. I would not typically trust relationship that is founded upon threatening to break up if they don't meet my expectations.
There is I suppose a very nuanced difference between 'setting a boundary', and making a 'threat'. I believe it depends a lot on the audience:
•
A person with an insecure attachment style (typically anxious attachment in women), will more likely fear the consequences of a breakup, and therefore interpret this as a threat to them. To these types, a boundary is much like emotional blackmail: "If I don't do as he expects, he will abandon me". Whether they are aware of this or not, this is a self-centred relational style, not an empathic one. This type of person will feel pressured and manipulated, and so might take that as a license to 'return the favour' in some shape or other (such as cheating and then lying about it).
•
A person with a secure attachment, does not fear being single or alone, and therefore does not fear a break up the same way. They will instead understand a 'boundary' to be a healthy expression of another person's needs in the relationship, and will respond to that with understanding and empathy instead of fear. In fact a woman with a healthy attachment style and genuine attraction for her partner, will likely feel even more attracted if he is able to calmly lay down a boundary without coming across as 'controlling'.
I've had the misfortune of mostly attracting anxiously attached women. So my gut response is biased towards how I would deal with the insecure type. Some of these are my own issues as well. I'm generally hypervigilant and distrustful of people. If I even slightly sense that she feels like I pressured into doing things my way (even if that was not my intention), I start to mentally check out, because I instantly and subconsciously do a calculation and figure it is very likely she will either pull back/pull out of the relationship, or stay in the relationship and start doing monkey business behind my back. If she responds coldly, or grudgingly, then I'm just not doing it. And the insecure ones often do respond that way.
(edited 12 months ago)
Reply 19
Original post
by Dunnig KrugerI see that as a big plus point if the boyfriend allows the original poster to talk to whomever she wants.
It takes more mental and emotional strength to allow one's partner to talk to whomever they want.
Trying to impose some sort of ban on talking to an ex would be a sign of emotional weakness.
Although it sounds like the current boyfriend doesn't have a say in the matter. As he doesn't know she's talking to the ex and doing things with him.
It takes more mental and emotional strength to allow one's partner to talk to whomever they want.
Trying to impose some sort of ban on talking to an ex would be a sign of emotional weakness.
Although it sounds like the current boyfriend doesn't have a say in the matter. As he doesn't know she's talking to the ex and doing things with him.
he knows i'm talking to my ex but he doesn't know that he's my ex because our relationship was extremely private
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