I just found out that my (now ex-) girlfriend has been cheating on me for months now. We've been together since last spring.
I was just casually scrolling through one of her girlfriends' Instagram timelines this afternoon (I guess it's technically already yesterday now) when I noticed that my girlfriend had her arm wrapped around another guy I didn't recognize in a few of the pictures in one of her friend's posts about the trip they went on during winter break. My heart sank a little when I saw those pictures, since I felt like we were a bit too close for her to be going around doing that with another guy, especially someone I didn't even know. But I convinced myself that I must be overthinking everything again and that surely they were just longtime buddies who hadn't seen each other in a while and were just excited to be able to catch up with each other again, so I was honestly prepared to just brush it all under the rug anyway. Looking at the pictures again more closely now though, I feel so dumb that I didn't pick up the giddy smile on her face and how this guy clearly made her light up in a way I haven't seen from her for quite some time now while I've been around her. It seems so obvious what was going on now, especially since it looks like they were hugging each other pretty tightly in one of the pictures.
Anyways, when she came over last night, I just casually brought up that I saw the pictures of their trip and that she looked so pretty in them. I mentioned that I thought she was just going with her girlfriends, and that I didn't recognize the guys they were with. She asked me if I'd seen her friend's posts and I said yes, and then she said that there was something she'd been meaning to tell me. I immediately assumed the worst, which was that she was going to tell me that she'd lost interest in me and didn't want to be with me anymore and that she was going to break up with me. It took me so off-guard when she just straight-up admitted that she'd been cheating on me, and that she'd literally been with that guy for months already. When I asked her why she did it, she just told me that she didn't feel the spark between us anymore. In hindsight, it looks like that must've been the case for a long time now.
Anyways, even though I was shaking uncontrollably and literally bawling my eyes out by the time she walked out the door, she didn't say anything or even look back and just left without a word. Right after our conversation ended she packed up most of the important things that she'd left behind at my place as well, so I think she's gone for good now and not coming back anytime soon.
I can't believe I never even got to say good-bye or wish her the best. She hasn't unadded me on any of our socials or blocked my number yet so I guess I still could, but I have no idea what I could possibly even say to her at this point. It would be so strange for me to thank her and tell her I'm grateful for all the good times we had together, at least not right now.
She didn't even bother telling me what I did wrong, and I honestly have no idea what I could've done differently to keep her. I've always been so attentive to our relationship and even though I have a terrible habit of chronically overthinking things and always assuming the worst, even in my worst nightmares it never even occurred to me to think about the possibility that she might be cheating on me. Over the past few months I've sometimes gotten the feeling that we might be drifting apart slightly or maybe becoming a little bit less close than I thought we should've been, but there were never any glaring red flags or anything like that. Besides, I never got the sense that she was profoundly frustrated or just plain bored out of her mind with me, much less deeply unhappy about our relationship.
It would be one thing if she was a bad person who I expected to be disloyal, but believe me when I say that deep down in her heart I know she's genuinely one of the best people I've ever known. She's always been so sweet and kind and caring and innocent, which is why I never would've thought she'd be capable of this. I'm especially shocked that she didn't even bother trying to justify herself to me before she left. You might think that's because she feels guilty for what she's done and knows how wrong it is, but she acted so flippantly and dismissively that it almost gave the sense that she doesn't even care about my feelings or how badly she hurt them. That's also the biggest part of the reason why it still feels so surreal. I just can't believe it. This isn't like her at all. She didn't even apologize to me at all. She just shrugged it away and acted as if what she did was just a matter of fact. It's almost like I meant nothing to her.
It's also weird because she could've just told me that she was just friendly with that guy and I would've believed her without so much as a second thought. She clearly viewed me as a disposable burden who was holding her back and just wanted to get rid of me so that I'd leave her life entirely and stop dragging her down.
I feel so shattered and directionless. I don't know what to do next. Maybe I'm just overreacting in the moment, but right now I genuinely feel like my life is literally nothing without her. Perhaps that's because for the past year so much of my life has revolved around her. I've neglected old friendships more than I probably should've just so that I could spend more time with her and always be there for her.
I've never been a popular guy, so I've only ever had a small circle of close friends to lean on in tough times. And of course I'm fine with that, because honestly I wouldn't rather have it any other way. It's just that I feel bad that I haven't been spending as much time lately around these friends who have stood by my side through thick and thin. Instead I've fallen so deeply in love that I've been blinded by my own wishful thinking to the point where I've become foolishly unaware of everything that's actually been going on around me. I've been off chasing a mirage of love that clearly turned out to be more fake than I ever could've imagined, and it was my pathetic infatuation with a stupid girl that led me down this dark road. I was so lonely and desperate for love and excited to finally be in a relationship for the first time that I fell for what was an obvious ruse.
Honestly, I don't feel like rebuilding my life from scratch right now. She was the one person I've ever truly loved. As far as I'm aware, she's the only person who's ever liked me, so I don't have any faith that I'll ever be able to find someone to be with again. Perhaps more importantly, I can't imagine ever falling for anyone else in the future. I truly gave her all my heart and poured everything I had into trying to make this relationship work. If even my best effort clearly wasn't good enough for me to be able to keep her around, it'll probably never be enough for anyone else either.
I don't know why I'm even coming on here right now. It's not like I even know any of you. I guess I just wanted to vent anonymously to some strangers on the Internet. It's just that I feel so broken and lonely right now, especially because there's no way I could tell any of my real-life friends about this right now. I don't know what I could even say to them. I just don't have the words for something like this. I think I'm going to have to cut them out of my life at least for the next little bit just so I can decompress for a while, because what if they come asking about her? Am I supposed to lie and pretend like everything's fine and we're still together? It'd be way too embarrassing and humiliating for me to admit everything that's actually just happened.
Anyways, sorry for my long post. I don't even know why I'm doing this. It's not like any of you could even say anything to make me feel any better right now. It's just that I feel so utterly crushed and defeated right now. After hearing this devastating news it's almost like I don't have anything left to live for anymore. How will I ever be able to fill this hole in my heart again or even just patch it back up? It'll probably take me decades instead of years before I can get over this, although to be honest I probably never will. Forgive me if my thoughts are rambling or unorganized, it's just that my feelings and emotions are still so raw.
Anyways, right now it's getting awfully hard for me to see any light at the end of this tunnel. I just have nothing to look forward to right now. I might just delete this useless thread once I've fully processed this and thought about what's going to happen to me next. Everything just feels so *****y and pointless without her around.