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Just found out my gf has been cheating on me. I feel so empty, lost, and hopeless

I just found out that my (now ex-) girlfriend has been cheating on me for months now. We've been together since last spring.

I was just casually scrolling through one of her girlfriends' Instagram timelines this afternoon (I guess it's technically already yesterday now) when I noticed that my girlfriend had her arm wrapped around another guy I didn't recognize in a few of the pictures in one of her friend's posts about the trip they went on during winter break. My heart sank a little when I saw those pictures, since I felt like we were a bit too close for her to be going around doing that with another guy, especially someone I didn't even know. But I convinced myself that I must be overthinking everything again and that surely they were just longtime buddies who hadn't seen each other in a while and were just excited to be able to catch up with each other again, so I was honestly prepared to just brush it all under the rug anyway. Looking at the pictures again more closely now though, I feel so dumb that I didn't pick up the giddy smile on her face and how this guy clearly made her light up in a way I haven't seen from her for quite some time now while I've been around her. It seems so obvious what was going on now, especially since it looks like they were hugging each other pretty tightly in one of the pictures.

Anyways, when she came over last night, I just casually brought up that I saw the pictures of their trip and that she looked so pretty in them. I mentioned that I thought she was just going with her girlfriends, and that I didn't recognize the guys they were with. She asked me if I'd seen her friend's posts and I said yes, and then she said that there was something she'd been meaning to tell me. I immediately assumed the worst, which was that she was going to tell me that she'd lost interest in me and didn't want to be with me anymore and that she was going to break up with me. It took me so off-guard when she just straight-up admitted that she'd been cheating on me, and that she'd literally been with that guy for months already. When I asked her why she did it, she just told me that she didn't feel the spark between us anymore. In hindsight, it looks like that must've been the case for a long time now.

Anyways, even though I was shaking uncontrollably and literally bawling my eyes out by the time she walked out the door, she didn't say anything or even look back and just left without a word. Right after our conversation ended she packed up most of the important things that she'd left behind at my place as well, so I think she's gone for good now and not coming back anytime soon.

I can't believe I never even got to say good-bye or wish her the best. She hasn't unadded me on any of our socials or blocked my number yet so I guess I still could, but I have no idea what I could possibly even say to her at this point. It would be so strange for me to thank her and tell her I'm grateful for all the good times we had together, at least not right now.

She didn't even bother telling me what I did wrong, and I honestly have no idea what I could've done differently to keep her. I've always been so attentive to our relationship and even though I have a terrible habit of chronically overthinking things and always assuming the worst, even in my worst nightmares it never even occurred to me to think about the possibility that she might be cheating on me. Over the past few months I've sometimes gotten the feeling that we might be drifting apart slightly or maybe becoming a little bit less close than I thought we should've been, but there were never any glaring red flags or anything like that. Besides, I never got the sense that she was profoundly frustrated or just plain bored out of her mind with me, much less deeply unhappy about our relationship.

It would be one thing if she was a bad person who I expected to be disloyal, but believe me when I say that deep down in her heart I know she's genuinely one of the best people I've ever known. She's always been so sweet and kind and caring and innocent, which is why I never would've thought she'd be capable of this. I'm especially shocked that she didn't even bother trying to justify herself to me before she left. You might think that's because she feels guilty for what she's done and knows how wrong it is, but she acted so flippantly and dismissively that it almost gave the sense that she doesn't even care about my feelings or how badly she hurt them. That's also the biggest part of the reason why it still feels so surreal. I just can't believe it. This isn't like her at all. She didn't even apologize to me at all. She just shrugged it away and acted as if what she did was just a matter of fact. It's almost like I meant nothing to her.

It's also weird because she could've just told me that she was just friendly with that guy and I would've believed her without so much as a second thought. She clearly viewed me as a disposable burden who was holding her back and just wanted to get rid of me so that I'd leave her life entirely and stop dragging her down.

I feel so shattered and directionless. I don't know what to do next. Maybe I'm just overreacting in the moment, but right now I genuinely feel like my life is literally nothing without her. Perhaps that's because for the past year so much of my life has revolved around her. I've neglected old friendships more than I probably should've just so that I could spend more time with her and always be there for her.

I've never been a popular guy, so I've only ever had a small circle of close friends to lean on in tough times. And of course I'm fine with that, because honestly I wouldn't rather have it any other way. It's just that I feel bad that I haven't been spending as much time lately around these friends who have stood by my side through thick and thin. Instead I've fallen so deeply in love that I've been blinded by my own wishful thinking to the point where I've become foolishly unaware of everything that's actually been going on around me. I've been off chasing a mirage of love that clearly turned out to be more fake than I ever could've imagined, and it was my pathetic infatuation with a stupid girl that led me down this dark road. I was so lonely and desperate for love and excited to finally be in a relationship for the first time that I fell for what was an obvious ruse.

Honestly, I don't feel like rebuilding my life from scratch right now. She was the one person I've ever truly loved. As far as I'm aware, she's the only person who's ever liked me, so I don't have any faith that I'll ever be able to find someone to be with again. Perhaps more importantly, I can't imagine ever falling for anyone else in the future. I truly gave her all my heart and poured everything I had into trying to make this relationship work. If even my best effort clearly wasn't good enough for me to be able to keep her around, it'll probably never be enough for anyone else either.

I don't know why I'm even coming on here right now. It's not like I even know any of you. I guess I just wanted to vent anonymously to some strangers on the Internet. It's just that I feel so broken and lonely right now, especially because there's no way I could tell any of my real-life friends about this right now. I don't know what I could even say to them. I just don't have the words for something like this. I think I'm going to have to cut them out of my life at least for the next little bit just so I can decompress for a while, because what if they come asking about her? Am I supposed to lie and pretend like everything's fine and we're still together? It'd be way too embarrassing and humiliating for me to admit everything that's actually just happened.

Anyways, sorry for my long post. I don't even know why I'm doing this. It's not like any of you could even say anything to make me feel any better right now. It's just that I feel so utterly crushed and defeated right now. After hearing this devastating news it's almost like I don't have anything left to live for anymore. How will I ever be able to fill this hole in my heart again or even just patch it back up? It'll probably take me decades instead of years before I can get over this, although to be honest I probably never will. Forgive me if my thoughts are rambling or unorganized, it's just that my feelings and emotions are still so raw.

Anyways, right now it's getting awfully hard for me to see any light at the end of this tunnel. I just have nothing to look forward to right now. I might just delete this useless thread once I've fully processed this and thought about what's going to happen to me next. Everything just feels so *****y and pointless without her around.

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Hello, we're really sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now, when relationships end it is never easy. You have done really really well to reach out, and share your feelings in this space, it's incredibly brave. You are deserving of support and are doing the right thing by looking for that. We also think that it would be a really good idea to reach out to your close circle of friends, it might feel right to isolate yourself because you might be afraid of feeling embarrassed that the relationship has ended - but you haven't done anything to be embarrassed about and you haven't done anything wrong. We are sure that your friends would be happy to support you; as you would be with them. If you are feeling like suicide is an option, you can also call Hopeline247 on 0800 068 4141 or text on 88247 to speak to a suicide prevention adviser who will be more than willing to help. Please continue to use this part of yourself that has made this post, to reach out for help for yourself - you are worthy of support.
Hey there,

First off, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can feel the depth of your pain just from reading your post, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. What you’re experiencing is a profound heartbreak, and it’s okay to grieve - it shows just how much you cared and how deeply you loved.
The end of a relationship, especially one that meant so much to you, can feel like your entire world has crumbled. It’s no wonder you’re feeling lost and directionless right now. But I promise you, this heartbreak is not the end of your story. It’s a chapter, a really painful one, yes... but just a chapter.
It’s natural to blame yourself or wonder what you could have done differently, but please don’t be too hard on yourself. Relationships involve two people, and no matter what, you didn’t deserve to be cheated on or treated with indifference. That says more about her choices than it does about your worth. You’re someone who gave your all, who loved wholeheartedly, and that is something to be proud of. It’s also something that the right person will cherish deeply one day.

You mentioned feeling like your life is nothing without her because so much of it revolved around her. This is a hard truth, but also an opportunity: this is your chance to start building a life that’s all about you. Reconnect with your friends, they care about you more than you might realize, and they’d want to help you through this. Lean on people. Rekindle your passions, pick up hobbies you’ve always wanted to try, or even just take small steps to rediscover who you are outside of this relationship. You’re not “starting from scratch”; you’re taking what you’ve learned and experienced and growing from it.
The pain you’re feeling now is proof of how deeply you can love. While it may feel like you’ll never find someone else, remember that life is unpredictable in the best ways too. Healing takes time—there’s no rushing it—but you won’t feel this way forever. One day, you’ll look back and see how much stronger you’ve become because of this. You’ll find someone who values and reciprocates your love, and you’ll be ready for it because you’ve taken the time to heal and grow.
In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to feel hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to take things one hour or one day at a time.

Remember, this isn’t the end—it’s a turning point. You may not see it yet, but there’s a future waiting for you, full of people and experiences that will make you feel alive and loved again. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way now. There are people who care about you, even strangers like me, rooting for your happiness and peace.
You’ve got this. One step at a time. 💛

I also understand wanting to delete your post down the line, and the reality is you probably will want to in a few weeks. So best of luck 🤝
(edited 3 weeks ago)
Sorry mate but unfortunately it is what it is. Filled full of cheaters brother.
Reply 4
Thanks for taking the time to write this post. It means a lot that someone cares.
I invested so much into our relationship emotionally. I hung all my hopes on things working out with her.
Original post by absterlmao1
Reconnect with your friends, they care about you more than you might realize, and they’d want to help you through this. Lean on people. While it may feel like you’ll never find someone else, remember that life is unpredictable in the best ways too. You’ll find someone who values and reciprocates your love, and you’ll be ready for it.

I can't go back to my old friends now. I couldn't honestly give them the attention or time of day they deserve from a real friendship. My heart just won't be in it. Even if I tried, I couldn't put in the effort and energy into our friendships that I owe them, not right now. And I know this is probably unfair to them, but in my heart I can't fully trust anyone anymore when I know that the one person in my life who I trusted completely and who I gave everything to betrayed me like this. I can't believe I let myself get hoodwinked by her like this. I really thought we had something real. Everything just feels so empty right now. It all feels meaningless now that she's gone. No one else could possibly give me what she did.
I don't want to love anyone else. I'll never want to experience those kinds of sensations with anyone but her. I don't want to go on dates or walks, smile and laugh, buy each other gifts, try new things, or get hugged by anyone else, I want to do it with her. Even if I ended up with someone else, I'd just be going through the motions. It's probably for the best that I won't. It'll never be the same again without her. Everyone else is just second-best and I couldn't devote my full heart to them the way I did for her. Not after what she did to me and how this all ended. Words cannot explain how down I feel right now.
It’ll take time to get over but be worth it for sure.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for taking the time to write this post. It means a lot that someone cares.
I invested so much into our relationship emotionally. I hung all my hopes on things working out with her.
I can't go back to my old friends now. I couldn't honestly give them the attention or time of day they deserve from a real friendship. My heart just won't be in it. Even if I tried, I couldn't put in the effort and energy into our friendships that I owe them, not right now. And I know this is probably unfair to them, but in my heart I can't fully trust anyone anymore when I know that the one person in my life who I trusted completely and who I gave everything to betrayed me like this. I can't believe I let myself get hoodwinked by her like this. I really thought we had something real. Everything just feels so empty right now. It all feels meaningless now that she's gone. No one else could possibly give me what she did.
I don't want to love anyone else. I'll never want to experience those kinds of sensations with anyone but her. I don't want to go on dates or walks, smile and laugh, buy each other gifts, try new things, or get hugged by anyone else, I want to do it with her. Even if I ended up with someone else, I'd just be going through the motions. It's probably for the best that I won't. It'll never be the same again without her. Everyone else is just second-best and I couldn't devote my full heart to them the way I did for her. Not after what she did to me and how this all ended. Words cannot explain how down I feel right now.

Happy to help, even if its only by 0.00001%.

I understand how hard it must be for you when she was your absolute earth, moon and stars and I really commend you in this generation for loving so hard and being so genuine and committed, you're a good person my friend. Regarding your friends, it might be worth dropping them a message and explaining the situation - explaining that you don't want to lose the friendship, but you're detached from everything because of what's happened? I understand you feel like you can't trust anyone like her, but if you have any half decent friends, they'll understand why you're feeling the way you are and why you're in the unfortunate place you are.

I get the feeling that everything with her is irreplaceable and you feel like you'll be looking for her in everyone else, honestly, right now I don't think it's a good idea to think about relationships in general. Understand that right now you hate everyone and everything and you just want who you thought was your person... but the sad truth is that she wasn't - and it was better that you found out sooner rather than later. Give yourself a rest from thinking about relationships, but rest assured in the knowledge that the only way is up and, in enough time, you'll start feeling like yourself again. Whether or not you can move on is ultimately out of your control but 10 times out of 10 I, or anyone else in my life, has said they're not going to get past someone - a better person comes along eventually 🙂
But, don't worry about that right now. Focus on getting yourself back to where you should be! It's gonna hurt for now, but just know every single minute that you endure the pain, that you don't give in to bad habits or turn to harmful substances, that you are slowly but surely winning the battle and will start to feel better sooner than you might think. Stay strong brother 👊
Reply 7
Original post by absterlmao1
Regarding your friends, it might be worth dropping them a message and explaining the situation - explaining that you don't want to lose the friendship, but you're detached from everything because of what's happened? I understand you feel like you can't trust anyone like her, but if you have any half decent friends, they'll understand why you're feeling the way you are and why you're in the unfortunate place you are. I get the feeling that everything with her is irreplaceable and you feel like you'll be looking for her in everyone else, honestly, right now I don't think it's a good idea to think about relationships in general. Understand that right now you hate everyone and everything and you just want who you thought was your person... but the sad truth is that she wasn't - and it was better that you found out sooner rather than later. Give yourself a rest from thinking about relationships, but rest assured in the knowledge that the only way is up and, in enough time, you'll start feeling like yourself again. Whether or not you can move on is ultimately out of your control but 10 times out of 10 I, or anyone else in my life, has said they're not going to get past someone - a better person comes along eventually 🙂


Oh I most definitely am not thinking about relationships, I just meant to tell you that I can't and won't be moving on or finding someone else. That's simply never going to happen. But thanks for trying to encourage me anyway.

Like I said earlier, I simply can't admit to any of my closer friends about what's happened. What should I be telling them and how would I even begin to explain it all? I made her a big part of my whole identity and do you understand how stupid I'm going to look in front of everyone in my life now that she's gone? I staked it all on this working out with her and for the longest time I really thought it would or I could at least see it happening, but now that she's gone it's all over and my hopes and dreams have been shattered and come falling back down to earth.

Also, you said she's not a good person, but that's not true. I know she's pure and genuine and has tons of love in her heart. I still don't know why she did this to me, but I'm sure she had plenty of good reasons for it. I know everything wrong that's happened has been my fault and mine alone. I disappointed her, I let her down, and I failed her. I can't believe things had to end this way even after I tried doing everything I could to keep her around.
Original post by Anonymous
Oh I most definitely am not thinking about relationships, I just meant to tell you that I can't and won't be moving on or finding someone else. That's simply never going to happen. But thanks for trying to encourage me anyway.
Like I said earlier, I simply can't admit to any of my closer friends about what's happened. What should I be telling them and how would I even begin to explain it all? I made her a big part of my whole identity and do you understand how stupid I'm going to look in front of everyone in my life now that she's gone? I staked it all on this working out with her and for the longest time I really thought it would or I could at least see it happening, but now that she's gone it's all over and my hopes and dreams have been shattered and come falling back down to earth.
Also, you said she's not a good person, but that's not true. I know she's pure and genuine and has tons of love in her heart. I still don't know why she did this to me, but I'm sure she had plenty of good reasons for it. I know everything wrong that's happened has been my fault and mine alone. I disappointed her, I let her down, and I failed her. I can't believe things had to end this way even after I tried doing everything I could to keep her around.

Bro no offence but that last bit where you said she’s pure and genuine and has tons of love in her heart. Yeah if she did why take the cruel way out of the relationship and be known as a cheat and admit to cheating then? If she had that much love for you but felt things weren’t working out as right or needed why didn’t she just say look it’s time to end things between us and leave with respect and respectfully.
(edited 3 weeks ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Oh I most definitely am not thinking about relationships, I just meant to tell you that I can't and won't be moving on or finding someone else. That's simply never going to happen. But thanks for trying to encourage me anyway.
Like I said earlier, I simply can't admit to any of my closer friends about what's happened. What should I be telling them and how would I even begin to explain it all? I made her a big part of my whole identity and do you understand how stupid I'm going to look in front of everyone in my life now that she's gone? I staked it all on this working out with her and for the longest time I really thought it would or I could at least see it happening, but now that she's gone it's all over and my hopes and dreams have been shattered and come falling back down to earth.
Also, you said she's not a good person, but that's not true. I know she's pure and genuine and has tons of love in her heart. I still don't know why she did this to me, but I'm sure she had plenty of good reasons for it. I know everything wrong that's happened has been my fault and mine alone. I disappointed her, I let her down, and I failed her. I can't believe things had to end this way even after I tried doing everything I could to keep her around.

I know you're having a nasty time but you need to ditch the self abuse and delusion, as it genuinely will not help you.

"I know she's pure and genuine" She really really isn't bro, she just carried out a long time horrendous betrayal of you.

"I'm sure she had plenty of good reasons for it. I know everything wrong that's happened has been my fault and mine alone" - nonsense! she's made her own dishonest choices, relationships are a two way deal and you can't take all the blame, even though you feel you want to.

"Do you understand how stupid I'm going to look in front of everyone in my life now that she's gone?" - frankly no. It's not going to be a nice conversation, but this is pretty much exactly what your friends are for, sometimes you really need the people that know you to tell you someone wasn't all your fault to stop you wallowing in imagined blame.
Original post by StriderHort
I know you're having a nasty time but you need to ditch the self abuse and delusion, as it genuinely will not help you.
"I know she's pure and genuine" She really really isn't bro, she just carried out a long time horrendous betrayal of you.
"I'm sure she had plenty of good reasons for it. I know everything wrong that's happened has been my fault and mine alone" - nonsense! she's made her own dishonest choices, relationships are a two way deal and you can't take all the blame, even though you feel you want to.
"Do you understand how stupid I'm going to look in front of everyone in my life now that she's gone?" - frankly no. It's not going to be a nice conversation, but this is pretty much exactly what your friends are for, sometimes you really need the people that know you to tell you someone wasn't all your fault to stop you wallowing in imagined blame.

Bro she played you.
Original post by Anonymous
I just found out that my (now ex-) girlfriend has been cheating on me for months now. We've been together since last spring.
I was just casually scrolling through one of her girlfriends' Instagram timelines this afternoon (I guess it's technically already yesterday now) when I noticed that my girlfriend had her arm wrapped around another guy I didn't recognize in a few of the pictures in one of her friend's posts about the trip they went on during winter break. My heart sank a little when I saw those pictures, since I felt like we were a bit too close for her to be going around doing that with another guy, especially someone I didn't even know. But I convinced myself that I must be overthinking everything again and that surely they were just longtime buddies who hadn't seen each other in a while and were just excited to be able to catch up with each other again, so I was honestly prepared to just brush it all under the rug anyway. Looking at the pictures again more closely now though, I feel so dumb that I didn't pick up the giddy smile on her face and how this guy clearly made her light up in a way I haven't seen from her for quite some time now while I've been around her. It seems so obvious what was going on now, especially since it looks like they were hugging each other pretty tightly in one of the pictures.
Anyways, when she came over last night, I just casually brought up that I saw the pictures of their trip and that she looked so pretty in them. I mentioned that I thought she was just going with her girlfriends, and that I didn't recognize the guys they were with. She asked me if I'd seen her friend's posts and I said yes, and then she said that there was something she'd been meaning to tell me. I immediately assumed the worst, which was that she was going to tell me that she'd lost interest in me and didn't want to be with me anymore and that she was going to break up with me. It took me so off-guard when she just straight-up admitted that she'd been cheating on me, and that she'd literally been with that guy for months already. When I asked her why she did it, she just told me that she didn't feel the spark between us anymore. In hindsight, it looks like that must've been the case for a long time now.
Anyways, even though I was shaking uncontrollably and literally bawling my eyes out by the time she walked out the door, she didn't say anything or even look back and just left without a word. Right after our conversation ended she packed up most of the important things that she'd left behind at my place as well, so I think she's gone for good now and not coming back anytime soon.
I can't believe I never even got to say good-bye or wish her the best. She hasn't unadded me on any of our socials or blocked my number yet so I guess I still could, but I have no idea what I could possibly even say to her at this point. It would be so strange for me to thank her and tell her I'm grateful for all the good times we had together, at least not right now.
She didn't even bother telling me what I did wrong, and I honestly have no idea what I could've done differently to keep her. I've always been so attentive to our relationship and even though I have a terrible habit of chronically overthinking things and always assuming the worst, even in my worst nightmares it never even occurred to me to think about the possibility that she might be cheating on me. Over the past few months I've sometimes gotten the feeling that we might be drifting apart slightly or maybe becoming a little bit less close than I thought we should've been, but there were never any glaring red flags or anything like that. Besides, I never got the sense that she was profoundly frustrated or just plain bored out of her mind with me, much less deeply unhappy about our relationship.
It would be one thing if she was a bad person who I expected to be disloyal, but believe me when I say that deep down in her heart I know she's genuinely one of the best people I've ever known. She's always been so sweet and kind and caring and innocent, which is why I never would've thought she'd be capable of this. I'm especially shocked that she didn't even bother trying to justify herself to me before she left. You might think that's because she feels guilty for what she's done and knows how wrong it is, but she acted so flippantly and dismissively that it almost gave the sense that she doesn't even care about my feelings or how badly she hurt them. That's also the biggest part of the reason why it still feels so surreal. I just can't believe it. This isn't like her at all. She didn't even apologize to me at all. She just shrugged it away and acted as if what she did was just a matter of fact. It's almost like I meant nothing to her.
It's also weird because she could've just told me that she was just friendly with that guy and I would've believed her without so much as a second thought. She clearly viewed me as a disposable burden who was holding her back and just wanted to get rid of me so that I'd leave her life entirely and stop dragging her down.
I feel so shattered and directionless. I don't know what to do next. Maybe I'm just overreacting in the moment, but right now I genuinely feel like my life is literally nothing without her. Perhaps that's because for the past year so much of my life has revolved around her. I've neglected old friendships more than I probably should've just so that I could spend more time with her and always be there for her.
I've never been a popular guy, so I've only ever had a small circle of close friends to lean on in tough times. And of course I'm fine with that, because honestly I wouldn't rather have it any other way. It's just that I feel bad that I haven't been spending as much time lately around these friends who have stood by my side through thick and thin. Instead I've fallen so deeply in love that I've been blinded by my own wishful thinking to the point where I've become foolishly unaware of everything that's actually been going on around me. I've been off chasing a mirage of love that clearly turned out to be more fake than I ever could've imagined, and it was my pathetic infatuation with a stupid girl that led me down this dark road. I was so lonely and desperate for love and excited to finally be in a relationship for the first time that I fell for what was an obvious ruse.
Honestly, I don't feel like rebuilding my life from scratch right now. She was the one person I've ever truly loved. As far as I'm aware, she's the only person who's ever liked me, so I don't have any faith that I'll ever be able to find someone to be with again. Perhaps more importantly, I can't imagine ever falling for anyone else in the future. I truly gave her all my heart and poured everything I had into trying to make this relationship work. If even my best effort clearly wasn't good enough for me to be able to keep her around, it'll probably never be enough for anyone else either.
I don't know why I'm even coming on here right now. It's not like I even know any of you. I guess I just wanted to vent anonymously to some strangers on the Internet. It's just that I feel so broken and lonely right now, especially because there's no way I could tell any of my real-life friends about this right now. I don't know what I could even say to them. I just don't have the words for something like this. I think I'm going to have to cut them out of my life at least for the next little bit just so I can decompress for a while, because what if they come asking about her? Am I supposed to lie and pretend like everything's fine and we're still together? It'd be way too embarrassing and humiliating for me to admit everything that's actually just happened.
Anyways, sorry for my long post. I don't even know why I'm doing this. It's not like any of you could even say anything to make me feel any better right now. It's just that I feel so utterly crushed and defeated right now. After hearing this devastating news it's almost like I don't have anything left to live for anymore. How will I ever be able to fill this hole in my heart again or even just patch it back up? It'll probably take me decades instead of years before I can get over this, although to be honest I probably never will. Forgive me if my thoughts are rambling or unorganized, it's just that my feelings and emotions are still so raw.
Anyways, right now it's getting awfully hard for me to see any light at the end of this tunnel. I just have nothing to look forward to right now. I might just delete this useless thread once I've fully processed this and thought about what's going to happen to me next. Everything just feels so *****y and pointless without her around.

I am very sorry to hear your position. Believe me ,I have been exactly where you are to, and infact I fear I am there again soon, but hoping & praying not. This is hard to do, BUT the best thing to do is kind of forget anything bad happened, carry on as normal, speak to her etc etc and try and let yourself down very very gently bit by bit.

The hardest part I found was when you consider they are so gentle and nice etc, but thats why I say carry on communicating with her as if nothing has happened, and bit by bit gently let yourself down. Do NOT get all flustered and depressed, try and rise above that. I wish you well and Im sure things will be fine.
Being vulnerable to others about your weaknesses, faults or failings is a sign of strength, not weakness.
It takes genuine emotional and mental strength to tell your friends that your girlfriend has been cheating on you. And to tell them the possible reasons as to why she did it, from the point of view of things that you could have done better.

No reasonable person expects anyone to be good at something the first few times they do it.
This was one of your first big romantic relationships. No reasonable person is going to expect you to be good at them at this stage.

I think you've got a great attitude in putting a positive spin on her as a person. And in you taking responsibility for her cheating.
There will be things that you could have done better in selecting the person to be your girlfriend, or in how you spoke and behaved within the relationship.

From what you've told us, it sounds like it was a combination of you making too many typical nice guy mistakes, you not being enough of a "positive challenge" and you not doing enough to keep the relationship fresh / adventurous / exciting / unpredictable. As well as possibly something it wouldn't appropriate for me to go into at this stage.

The good news is that this is all fixable. And a few tweaks here and there would result in you having a massively decreased chance of being cheated on in future relationships.

There's loads of anecdotes I could tell you...

There's a fascinating general principle with cheating. Within the frame of having a workable relationship, the less you'd be upset by your partner cheating, the less likely they are to do it.

Do you feel better today for having slept on this overnight?

So this bad thing has happened to you. You're now in the position you're at. What's the best way forward for you from here?
Original post by StriderHort
I know you're having a nasty time but you need to ditch the self abuse and delusion, as it genuinely will not help you.
"I know she's pure and genuine" She really really isn't bro, she just carried out a long time horrendous betrayal of you.
"I'm sure she had plenty of good reasons for it. I know everything wrong that's happened has been my fault and mine alone" - nonsense! she's made her own dishonest choices, relationships are a two way deal and you can't take all the blame, even though you feel you want to.
"Do you understand how stupid I'm going to look in front of everyone in my life now that she's gone?" - frankly no. It's not going to be a nice conversation, but this is pretty much exactly what your friends are for, sometimes you really need the people that know you to tell you someone wasn't all your fault to stop you wallowing in imagined blame.

Well said 🤝
Original post by Anonymous
Oh I most definitely am not thinking about relationships, I just meant to tell you that I can't and won't be moving on or finding someone else. That's simply never going to happen. But thanks for trying to encourage me anyway.
Like I said earlier, I simply can't admit to any of my closer friends about what's happened. What should I be telling them and how would I even begin to explain it all? I made her a big part of my whole identity and do you understand how stupid I'm going to look in front of everyone in my life now that she's gone? I staked it all on this working out with her and for the longest time I really thought it would or I could at least see it happening, but now that she's gone it's all over and my hopes and dreams have been shattered and come falling back down to earth.
Also, you said she's not a good person, but that's not true. I know she's pure and genuine and has tons of love in her heart. I still don't know why she did this to me, but I'm sure she had plenty of good reasons for it. I know everything wrong that's happened has been my fault and mine alone. I disappointed her, I let her down, and I failed her. I can't believe things had to end this way even after I tried doing everything I could to keep her around.
I agree with what StriderHort said.

Bro, your friends aren't going to judge you. For what its worth, I too put my all into a girl which resulted in cutting my friends AND most of my family off at 15/16 years old, pushing me as close to sewerslide as i've ever been. I'm not saying this to get sympathy, but just to illustrate that bridges can always be rebuilt (in your case the bridges aren't even burned) and it wont be a nice conversation, but will result in a massive weight off your shoulders and also enable a support network to be in place for you. Good people won't make you feel sh1tter than you already do, just look at the random strangers on the internet who want to help you feel better - your friends want the same for you!!

Secondly, I understand you think she was gods gift to mankind - but if she was everything you described her to be, she wouldn't have done what she did. Case and point.
I really am sorry she wasn't the one for you and you strike me as a really kind person to hold her character so highly after what she did... me personally id be screaming "f*ck dat ho3" no matter how much I loved someone 🙂
But for gods sake be kind to yourself, this sh1t was NOT your fault and you sound like a great partner (no homo). You didn't do anything wrong and this is not your fault. Say it with me now... you didn't do anything wrong and this is not your fault. If you can get out of your pit of self hatred you'd feel loads better.
(edited 3 weeks ago)
Original post by Mohammed_2000
Bro no offence but that last bit where you said she’s pure and genuine and has tons of love in her heart. If she had that much love for you but felt things weren’t working out as right or needed why didn’t she just say look it’s time to end things between us and leave with respect and respectfully.


I said she has a lot of love to give, just clearly not to me, at least not anymore. And I don't know, maybe it's because she thought this was for the best somehow and she didn't want to hurt me more than she absolutely had to. Maybe she took the easy way out so that I'd never find out, or she didn't know how to tell me her feelings had changed and she'd lost interest in me.


Original post by Anonymous
I am very sorry to hear your position. Believe me ,I have been exactly where you are to, and infact I fear I am there again soon, but hoping & praying not. This is hard to do, BUT the best thing to do is kind of forget anything bad happened, carry on as normal, speak to her etc etc and try and let yourself down very very gently bit by bit. The hardest part I found was when you consider they are so gentle and nice etc, but thats why I say carry on communicating with her as if nothing has happened, and bit by bit gently let yourself down. Do NOT get all flustered and depressed, try and rise above that.


I'm sorry you you had to go through the same thing. I really hope things work out better for you this time. How did you cope? What were some strategies you used to manage the pain and deal with everything, and is there any specific advice you'd give on what not to do next? Thanks TT

But how could I possibly forget about everything and act like nothing's changed? What should I even say to her? Am I just supposed to pretend that I'm fine and not hurt and it didn't impact me and I just don't care about what she did at all?

I'm still just in shock and trying to process it all right now. For the most part I just feel numb with grief. She was literally perfect, and I screwed everything up ...

I don't want to have to hide things from her, and besides, I don't have the balls to reach out again anyway. She clearly doesn't want me around anymore so I'll respect that and just leave her alone from now on. It's not like I'd know what to say to her or have the words to express my feelings at this point either.


Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Being vulnerable to others about your weaknesses, faults or failings is a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes genuine emotional and mental strength to tell your friends that your girlfriend has been cheating on you. And to tell them the possible reasons as to why she did it, from the point of view of things that you could have done better. No reasonable person expects anyone to be good at something the first few times they do it. This was one of your first big romantic relationships. No reasonable person is going to expect you to be good at them at this stage. I think you've got a great attitude in putting a positive spin on her as a person. And in you taking responsibility for her cheating. There will be things that you could have done better in selecting the person to be your girlfriend, or in how you spoke and behaved within the relationship. From what you've told us, it sounds like it was a combination of you making too many typical nice guy mistakes, you not being enough of a "positive challenge" and you not doing enough to keep the relationship fresh / adventurous / exciting / unpredictable. As well as possibly something it wouldn't appropriate for me to go into at this stage. The good news is that this is all fixable. And a few tweaks here and there would result in you having a massively decreased chance of being cheated on in future relationships. There's loads of anecdotes I could tell you... There's a fascinating general principle with cheating. Within the frame of having a workable relationship, the less you'd be upset by your partner cheating, the less likely they are to do it. Do you feel better today for having slept on this overnight? So this bad thing has happened to you. You're now in the position you're at. What's the best way forward for you from here?


The issue is, I don't even know why she did it. I mean, I have some of my own ideas and theories, but I don't know which ones are true or not or if there's a crazy or obvious explanation for it all.

To answer your question, I just don't want to move on with my life now that she's gone. Like, it's not like I didn't know breakups were a thing or whatever, but I truly genuinely poured my all into this relationship and did everything I thought I possibly could to try and make this relationship work out. I was really really hoping it would last forever and we'd live together and get married one day and for a while I was lost in a haze and actually believed it might happen.

As for my "great attitude", maybe I'm still just in denial and holding out hope that she's a good person just so my heart doesn't get crushed even further and I have to admit I was wrong all along about the kind of person she is. Yes, I know I did things wrong and could've handled it a lot better. The problem is, I don't know what I actually did wrong. And it doesn't matter anyway, because she's gone now and there's nothing I can do to get her back.

I'm confused and intrigued as to your opinion. What mistakes do you think I made exactly? What should I have done differently in order to keep things new and exciting and how could I have been more of a "challenge" for her? What do you mean by something you can't talk about? I don't understand.

And no, none of this can be fixed. I'm not interested in having any other relationships but what do you think I should be trying to change about myself?

I already know I never want to try again unless it's with her, and that's obviously not happening anymore. I wonder what are the stories that you're saying you could tell? I don't understand why you think I could've picked someone better, because she was literally perfect for me and I would've been happy for the rest of my life if she'd have stayed with me.

Maybe it'd have hurt less to find out about her cheating, but I don't see how I possibly could've made myself care less about it unless I simply didn't feel as strongly about her. I like to think I'm fiercely loyal to the people who matter most in my life and so I kind of expect the same from others, maybe too much sometimes. I guess it's borne out of security and my own attachment issues, but who knows.

No. I don't feel anything anymore, or at least I don't even know how I'm actually feeling because I'm just a total jumble of emotions right now.

If I knew what to do next, I probably wouldn't be here talking to you right now. I'm just too deep in despair to care.


Original post by absterlmao1
For what its worth, I too put my all into a girl which resulted in cutting my friends AND most of my family off at 15/16 years old, pushing me as close to suicide as i've ever been.


That sounds super tough, I'm sorry you've been through something so difficult. It sounds like you were able to pull yourself out of that dark hole in the end though, so good for you and I'm glad you're doing better nowadays. How did you find the inner strength and resolve to come through and build your life back together again at that point? Right now I feel so sapped of energy, it's like all the life has been drained out of me honestly.

I'm not worried about my friends deliberately trying to make me feel worse about it, I've done enough of that already. It's more that they'll definitely think less of me since she was definitely a little bit out of my league I think, and probably a big part of the reason why certain people (not these longtime friends of mine though) respected me more for a bit.

As for feeling bitter and vengeful, I'm not there yet but who knows, I'll probably get there before too long. I think it still hasn't really sunk in for me yet.

Also, thank you for being my friend throughout this conversation. Your empathy and understanding and just your willingness to listen to me moping about my plight means a lot to me 😕
This is the sort of stuff that's best discussed, person to person, in a warm comfortable location.

It sounds like your selection was OK, and we should focus on how you spoke and behaved with her.

This whole episode is a learning opportunity. It makes sense to grasp that opportunity with both hands.

Did you put her on a pedestal?
How unpredictable were you, from her point of view?
Did she feel as if she had you totally?
Did she feel as if there were certain aspects of you that she didn't tame?
There's very intimate stuff I could go in to, that's important. The sort of stuff that's not appropriate to talk about on this public forum.
Did you let her conquer your time? EG if you had a regular day of the week where you'd do something with your male mates, did you give that up for her?
Did she conquer you reactions, so that for example, if she got into a snappy mood, you would too?
How good were you at keeping things light? Keep telling jokes in stressful situations? Defusing conflict via humour?
When you were apart from her, how often did you message her and what sort of messages did you send?
Did you give her anything on her birthday or for Christmas?
How did you behave in stressful situations when you were with her? EG in a restaurant and she was served sub-standard food?
If she did or said something that you fundamentally disagreed with, how did you act? Did you pretend to go along with her? Did you get into rows with her? Did you diplomatically, assertively give her your point of view, once, and then move on to talking about something else?
What sort of dates were you going on, 3, 4, 5 months into your relationship?
How good were you at displaying mental and emotional strength? Did you habitually demonstrate mental or emotional weakness to her?
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
This is the sort of stuff that's best discussed, person to person, in a warm comfortable location.
It sounds like your selection was OK, and we should focus on how you spoke and behaved with her.
This whole episode is a learning opportunity. It makes sense to grasp that opportunity with both hands.
Did you put her on a pedestal?
How unpredictable were you, from her point of view?
Did she feel as if she had you totally?
Did she feel as if there were certain aspects of you that she didn't tame?
There's very intimate stuff I could go in to, that's important. The sort of stuff that's not appropriate to talk about on this public forum.
Did you let her conquer your time? EG if you had a regular day of the week where you'd do something with your male mates, did you give that up for her?
Did she conquer you reactions, so that for example, if she got into a snappy mood, you would too?
How good were you at keeping things light? Keep telling jokes in stressful situations? Defusing conflict via humour?
When you were apart from her, how often did you message her and what sort of messages did you send?
Did you give her anything on her birthday or for Christmas?
How did you behave in stressful situations when you were with her? EG in a restaurant and she was served sub-standard food?
If she did or said something that you fundamentally disagreed with, how did you act? Did you pretend to go along with her? Did you get into rows with her? Did you diplomatically, assertively give her your point of view, once, and then move on to talking about something else?
What sort of dates were you going on, 3, 4, 5 months into your relationship?
How good were you at displaying mental and emotional strength? Did you habitually demonstrate mental or emotional weakness to her?

Thanks for taking the time to work through this with me. Would you mind messaging me privately? I could probably go into a bit more detail on my answers to some aspects of your questions without having to give away too many personal details publicly here.
Original post by Anonymous
I said she has a lot of love to give, just clearly not to me, at least not anymore. And I don't know, maybe it's because she thought this was for the best somehow and she didn't want to hurt me more than she absolutely had to. Maybe she took the easy way out so that I'd never find out, or she didn't know how to tell me her feelings had changed and she'd lost interest in me.
I'm sorry you you had to go through the same thing. I really hope things work out better for you this time. How did you cope? What were some strategies you used to manage the pain and deal with everything, and is there any specific advice you'd give on what not to do next? Thanks TT
But how could I possibly forget about everything and act like nothing's changed? What should I even say to her? Am I just supposed to pretend that I'm fine and not hurt and it didn't impact me and I just don't care about what she did at all?
I'm still just in shock and trying to process it all right now. For the most part I just feel numb with grief. She was literally perfect, and I screwed everything up ...
I don't want to have to hide things from her, and besides, I don't have the balls to reach out again anyway. She clearly doesn't want me around anymore so I'll respect that and just leave her alone from now on. It's not like I'd know what to say to her or have the words to express my feelings at this point either.
The issue is, I don't even know why she did it. I mean, I have some of my own ideas and theories, but I don't know which ones are true or not or if there's a crazy or obvious explanation for it all.
To answer your question, I just don't want to move on with my life now that she's gone. Like, it's not like I didn't know breakups were a thing or whatever, but I truly genuinely poured my all into this relationship and did everything I thought I possibly could to try and make this relationship work out. I was really really hoping it would last forever and we'd live together and get married one day and for a while I was lost in a haze and actually believed it might happen.
As for my "great attitude", maybe I'm still just in denial and holding out hope that she's a good person just so my heart doesn't get crushed even further and I have to admit I was wrong all along about the kind of person she is. Yes, I know I did things wrong and could've handled it a lot better. The problem is, I don't know what I actually did wrong. And it doesn't matter anyway, because she's gone now and there's nothing I can do to get her back.
I'm confused and intrigued as to your opinion. What mistakes do you think I made exactly? What should I have done differently in order to keep things new and exciting and how could I have been more of a "challenge" for her? What do you mean by something you can't talk about? I don't understand.
And no, none of this can be fixed. I'm not interested in having any other relationships but what do you think I should be trying to change about myself?
I already know I never want to try again unless it's with her, and that's obviously not happening anymore. I wonder what are the stories that you're saying you could tell? I don't understand why you think I could've picked someone better, because she was literally perfect for me and I would've been happy for the rest of my life if she'd have stayed with me.
Maybe it'd have hurt less to find out about her cheating, but I don't see how I possibly could've made myself care less about it unless I simply didn't feel as strongly about her. I like to think I'm fiercely loyal to the people who matter most in my life and so I kind of expect the same from others, maybe too much sometimes. I guess it's borne out of security and my own attachment issues, but who knows.
No. I don't feel anything anymore, or at least I don't even know how I'm actually feeling because I'm just a total jumble of emotions right now.
If I knew what to do next, I probably wouldn't be here talking to you right now. I'm just too deep in despair to care.
That sounds super tough, I'm sorry you've been through something so difficult. It sounds like you were able to pull yourself out of that dark hole in the end though, so good for you and I'm glad you're doing better nowadays. How did you find the inner strength and resolve to come through and build your life back together again at that point? Right now I feel so sapped of energy, it's like all the life has been drained out of me honestly.
I'm not worried about my friends deliberately trying to make me feel worse about it, I've done enough of that already. It's more that they'll definitely think less of me since she was definitely a little bit out of my league I think, and probably a big part of the reason why certain people (not these longtime friends of mine though) respected me more for a bit.
As for feeling bitter and vengeful, I'm not there yet but who knows, I'll probably get there before too long. I think it still hasn't really sunk in for me yet.
Also, thank you for being my friend throughout this conversation. Your empathy and understanding and just your willingness to listen to me moping about my plight means a lot to me 😕

I understand you feeling so drained, just remember it's completely normal for the heartbreak you're experiencing and how you feel is completely valid. To be fair, I owe my life getting back on track to a lot of things. I don't know if you're religious but on the presumption you aren't, I won't indulge in that. It can often help to hear about other people's situations when you're in your own... so I'll elaborate slightly.
I was crying every day, not wanting to d1e, just wanting a way out of the situation I was in... I was never home, only ate sh1t food, energy drinks etc. There were nights I had <1 hour sleep and just went about my life. My parents were really concerned about me and understandably so, although relations with my dad got broken off and we didn't speak despite living under the same roof. I naturally wanted to run away and there was lots of family drama I won't bore you with.
ALL of that was caused by a relationship with one b1tch of a girl... and I fooshily defended her so, so much.
Point is, I get where you're coming from - I had a LOT of embarrassment and shame to deal with coming back to my family and friends with my tail between my legs after the girl I risked everything for turned out to be a *****.
In terms of how I got out:
Starts with a self belief that you can do this, that no matter how hard things are or aren't and no matter how sh1t you feel. You want to do this. You want to be happy again someday.
Once you've got that baseline, everything else follows. In your case you don't owe anyone an apology or anything. Yes, you're coming to you friends with your tail between your legs with the information that she's cheated - but hey, it's a weight off your shoulder and a good step to not allowing this incident to be a force constantly attacking you in your life. People get cheated on all the time and people also fight for their partners all the time, yes it wont be NICE - but it is a step towards healing from it... accepting that it happened and learning from it.
From there it's about building yourself back up, look in the mirror and ask yourself where you wanna be in a year with regards to yourself, do you wanna start working out, start a sport etc? and start making the small little decisions that matter... have a glass of water instead of a monster... don't watch p*rn today... ask someone to go for a walk instead of moping in your room...
Give it time and have the difficult conversations... if there's something you need to say to her for closure, say it.
Get all the uncomfortable and difficult conversations out of the way and let time heal you...
Once again, if you have even a tiny bit of light inside you that you want to be happy someday, you'll get there - and that knowledge that you WILL get there is all you need.

Once it's sunk in, you may resent her or you may not... I resent the girl I'm referring to and honestly I couldn't give two flying f*cks if she lives or dies. FYI I am in a happy relationship of nearly a year 🙂

I'm happy to sit and talk to you, and I'm glad you feel like someone cares 🤝
Original post by absterlmao1
I understand you feeling so drained, just remember it's completely normal for the heartbreak you're experiencing and how you feel is completely valid. To be fair, I owe my life getting back on track to a lot of things. I don't know if you're religious but on the presumption you aren't, I won't indulge in that. It can often help to hear about other people's situations when you're in your own... so I'll elaborate slightly.
I was crying every day, not wanting to d1e, just wanting a way out of the situation I was in... I was never home, only ate sh1t food, energy drinks etc. There were nights I had <1 hour sleep and just went about my life. My parents were really concerned about me and understandably so, although relations with my dad got broken off and we didn't speak despite living under the same roof. I naturally wanted to run away and there was lots of family drama I won't bore you with.
ALL of that was caused by a relationship with one b1tch of a girl... and I fooshily defended her so, so much.
Point is, I get where you're coming from - I had a LOT of embarrassment and shame to deal with coming back to my family and friends with my tail between my legs after the girl I risked everything for turned out to be a *****.
In terms of how I got out:
Starts with a self belief that you can do this, that no matter how hard things are or aren't and no matter how sh1t you feel. You want to do this. You want to be happy again someday.
Once you've got that baseline, everything else follows. In your case you don't owe anyone an apology or anything. Yes, you're coming to you friends with your tail between your legs with the information that she's cheated - but hey, it's a weight off your shoulder and a good step to not allowing this incident to be a force constantly attacking you in your life. People get cheated on all the time and people also fight for their partners all the time, yes it wont be NICE - but it is a step towards healing from it... accepting that it happened and learning from it.
From there it's about building yourself back up, look in the mirror and ask yourself where you wanna be in a year with regards to yourself, do you wanna start working out, start a sport etc? and start making the small little decisions that matter... have a glass of water instead of a monster... don't watch p*rn today... ask someone to go for a walk instead of moping in your room...
Give it time and have the difficult conversations... if there's something you need to say to her for closure, say it.
Get all the uncomfortable and difficult conversations out of the way and let time heal you...
Once again, if you have even a tiny bit of light inside you that you want to be happy someday, you'll get there - and that knowledge that you WILL get there is all you need.
Once it's sunk in, you may resent her or you may not... I resent the girl I'm referring to and honestly I couldn't give two flying f*cks if she lives or dies. FYI I am in a happy relationship of nearly a year 🙂
I'm happy to sit and talk to you, and I'm glad you feel like someone cares 🤝


You can talk about it if you want (who knows, it might be relevant to me) but don’t feel obligated to.

You’re very strong and I can only hope I’ll be able to climb out of the hole I’m in right now like you did yours.

When did your opinion of her first start shifting and how did you realize she wasn’t the kind of person you’d always taken her to be?

And how can I believe in myself right now? I’m completely shattered.

I keep dreading that conversation and still struggle to find the words. What if I break down in front of them too and make myself look weak? How can I admit the truth to them, which is that the person I loved for so long and talked so glowingly about discarded me and treated me like garbage? It’s far too humiliating.

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