My best friend told me she was sexually assaulted a year ago. How do I deal with it?

I am 25 years old, same as my best friend. I am a male, she is a female.

Long story short, a year ago she was casually seeing someone, they had sex two times, she was single back then. I was telling her back then that this guy is not it, that he is not a good person (I had a feeling based on what she was telling me back then).

A year later, today, she called me crying saying the dude...sexually assaulted her the 2nd time they had sex. He was slapping her, wasn't letting her leave and word by word she said ''I just stopped resisting after some point and I only surrendered, waiting for the whole thing to end. Then, I waited for him to fall asleep so I could leave the house''.

They were both drunk to some degree. The reason why she brought it up now for the first time is because she got to know by someone else that this guy has been sexually assaulting women a lot and he was even beaten up cuz of that by a girl's parents.

I really don't know how to deal with it. My blood pressure is at an all time high, I am disgusted, I feel like I really want to hurt this guy. I am so angry, sad, everything at once. I can't deal with it. She was crying a lot on the phone and she doesn't wanna tell her boyfriend about it, or to anyone else, police etc.

I really need advice on how to help her...Thank you.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

UPDATE: She now messaged me saying that maybe it didn't happen exactly like this and that maybe it's in her head, that it didn't exactly happen that way. I have a very strong feeling this is not true and that she is either trying to doubt herself in order to 'accept' it, or she doesn't want me to make it a big deal, which I wouldn't of course if she didn't want me to, but maybe she is afraid I won't let this slide..

Reply 2

Trinculo

The obvious thing to do is to act all outraged, tell her how you're there to support her and give her a load of websites to get information and support from that you have looked up on the internet on her behalf. Nothing right now is more important than believing her first disclosure to you, but not the second one.

Or maybe you could just leave her alone and stop infantilising her. She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions and use a web browser. I would also be confident that she is entirely capable of understanding the basic function of the police. My advice would be to start acting like a friend and not the comment section of an internet forum. If she were 15 I would maybe get it. But she's not. If you want to do something, take her out for a pizza and get over yourself. You do not know what happened, if she wants to go in a particular direction, then you can help out rather than making judgements on when its convenient for you to believe what she's telling you and when it's not.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Original post

by Anonymous

I am 25 years old, same as my best friend. I am a male, she is a female.
Long story short, a year ago she was casually seeing someone, they had sex two times, she was single back then. I was telling her back then that this guy is not it, that he is not a good person (I had a feeling based on what she was telling me back then).
A year later, today, she called me crying saying the dude...sexually assaulted her the 2nd time they had sex. He was slapping her, wasn't letting her leave and word by word she said ''I just stopped resisting after some point and I only surrendered, waiting for the whole thing to end. Then, I waited for him to fall asleep so I could leave the house''.
They were both drunk to some degree. The reason why she brought it up now for the first time is because she got to know by someone else that this guy has been sexually assaulting women a lot and he was even beaten up cuz of that by a girl's parents.
I really don't know how to deal with it. My blood pressure is at an all time high, I am disgusted, I feel like I really want to hurt this guy. I am so angry, sad, everything at once. I can't deal with it. She was crying a lot on the phone and she doesn't wanna tell her boyfriend about it, or to anyone else, police etc.
I really need advice on how to help her...Thank you.

I would try amd persuade her to get counselling. maybe hypnotherpary and then see if she will report to Police. Isdef sexual assult as need explicit consent and drunk person cannot give such consent.

Reply 4

Old Skool Freak

Original post

by Trinculo

The obvious thing to do is to act all outraged, tell her how you're there to support her and give her a load of websites to get information and support from that you have looked up on the internet on her behalf. Nothing right now is more important than believing her first disclosure to you, but not the second one.
Or maybe you could just leave her alone and stop infantlising her. She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions and use a web browser. I would also be confident that she is entirely capable of understanding the basic function of the police. My advice would be to start acting like a friend and not the comment section of an internet forum. If she were 15 I would maybe get it. But she's not. If you want to do something, take her out for a pizza and get over yourself. You do not know what happened, if she wants to go in a particular direction, then you can help out rather than making judgements on when its convenient for you to believe what she's telling you and when it's not.

Agreed.

@Anon #1 , you need to remember there's a fine line between helping and interfering.

These sort of things are very personal, and people deal with them in different ways. If she doesn't want to discuss the matter further, then you have to respect her wishes (maybe let her know you're a "shoulder to cry on" she ever wants to talk about it). I understand that it's your natural instinct to be protective over her, and seek vengeance / justice... but it can potentially backfire in all sorts of ways; that may ultimately cost you your friendship with her. Moreover, if you go round and batter him, he'll have every right to pursue an assault claim against you.

If he's prolific as you're making out, he'll eventually get his comeuppance (one way or another)… but think of your own future, your friendship with this girl and your own freedom. I'm playing Devils Advocate here, but how would you feel if you really hurt this guy, and then found out she made it all up because of some other minor disagreement (non sexual) she had with him?

Original post

by Anonymous

I would try amd persuade her to get counselling. maybe hypnotherpary and then see if she will report to Police. Isdef sexual assult as need explicit consent and drunk person cannot give such consent.

Knowing what's happened is one thing... proving what's happened is a completely different matter.

Depending on what exactly went down, it can still be a very traumatic experience for a victim of a sexual assault to report the matter, going through every microscopic detail; and the police wouldn't be able to do much without any actual evidence. Given the time that's elapsed since then, there's unlikely to be any DNA evidence, so the only evidence would likely be if he recorded it on his phone or there was CCTV (again, likely to now be erased, given the time that's passed).

Furthermore, I know alcohol can blur the lines of consent... but there's a world of difference between someone who's just "had a few" so they're tipsy / merry, compared to someone who's completely paralytic and can't stand up and is slurring their words, glazed eyes etc. If that applied to any level of drunkenness, then most people who've been clubbing are guilty of this.

Reply 5

Ciel.

unless you have concrete evidence the police/court won't do ****, other than traumatising her even further...

Reply 6

Crazy Jamie

I agree entirely with @Trinculo and @Old Skool Freak, but would make one more point. Being a good friend, and indeed a good family member and partner, does not mean coming up with solutions to the problems of others. There will be times, such as this one, where you very badly want to fix a problem. But not only is that very often not in your gift, but it is also not your role. Your role is to provide support, in whatever form that your friend requires it. That will often be acting entirely normal and just being there to listen. Like Trinculo says, it might just be taking her out for pizza. Not to get to the bottom of this. Not to raise it at all. But just to be there.

This is not an easy lesson to learn. It took me a very long time to learn it. I was always a 'fixer' in friendships and relationships. The logical one who could figure out the solutions to things. The two main things that changed me in that respect were an ex girlfriend and a close family member who both had issues that I could not solve. In the case of the ex girlfriend, I eventually cut contact and walked away, which was the right thing to do but extremely difficult for me at the time. In the case of the family member, it was a longer process of understanding how to support that person, which more often than not meant acting normal.

These are lessons that I ultimately had to bring into my marriage as well. When my wife came to me with issues, my instinct was always to solve them, but I eventually realised (and thankfully have now realised for some time) that that is not my role. My role is to listen and to support. That might involve helping with the solution, but very often it doesn't. As Trinculo says, these are grown adults that we're talking about. It is for them to solve these issues, and whilst that often will be with support, it is support that they can seek out and obtain on their own terms. Not only can you very often not solve problems that you want to solve (like this one), but focusing on that does infantilise the person you're trying to help, and it undermines them and their ability to solve their own problems. The intention is good, but the outcome will not help. It will do the opposite.

So this is a situation where you do need to reflect and appreciate what your role is here. And it is not to solve this problem. It is to be a good friend, which is quite different.

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

Reply 8

Trinculo

Original post

by Anonymous

I would try amd persuade her to get counselling. maybe hypnotherpary and then see if she will report to Police. Isdef sexual assult as need explicit consent and drunk person cannot give such consent.

Original post

by Anonymous

^^This here is exactly what I mean by people believing that their role as a friend includes introducing them to random websites. This sad story from the Guardian is completely unrelated to consent. Even the most cursory glances would make that obvious.

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

Original post

by Trinculo

It is terrifying that you believe this. I don't see that it is within the gamut of friendship to use persuasion to have a friend undergo psychological treatment of your choosing. Especially a friend who you suspect to be vulnerable and traumatised.
Additionally, the idea that a drunken woman cannot consent is one of the most misogynistic views to infect modern times. Nothing infantilises a woman more than taking away her agency and deciding for her when she does or does not have capacity, once she has imbibed any quantity of alcohol.
^^This here is exactly what I mean by people believing that their role as a friend includes introducing them to random websites. This sad story from the Guardian is completely unrelated to consent. Even the most cursory glances would make that obvious.

You clearly are stupid. I am not even bothering responding because arguing with you would be pointless.

Reply 10

Old Skool Freak

Original post

by Anonymous

You clearly are stupid. I am not even bothering responding because arguing with you would be pointless.

First of all, I want to state, for the record, that I honestly believe that your intentions behind your posts are good, and you genuinely want to help the OP.

I won't go into the reasons (because it's not my place to say), but I believe @Trinculo genuinely knows what he / she is talking about, and there is "good logic" behind the arguments. Rather than getting defensive, and resorting to insults, why don't you challenge them on how / why they think they're right and you're wrong? Without meaning to sound at all patronising (and I'm sorry if I do), you never know what you might learn or find out.

And I agree with what was said about the quantity of alcohol (as per the last point of my first post). If it's any amount of alcohol, then, by that argument, we might as well ban all nightclubs and "fun-pubs" (e.g. Weatherspoon's), as they would all be technically aiding and abetting the sexual assault. Think about it, there's a difference between someone doing things they wouldn't normally do, and someone who is not in control of their mind / body.

Original post

by Anonymous

I agree this link isn't directly relevant to this situation. What you've posted sounds like he was targeting victims in nightclub type places, and spiking them; in the case described in this thread, the victim and perpetrator were in some kind of relationship... and fair enough, they were both drunk, but there's no evidence (in the original post) to suggest he deliberately got her drunk so he could sexually assault her.

Having said that, I think this story would create an interesting discussion point in somewhere like the News or Debate sections. It does also act as a reminder of the dangers faced when going out and for people (both boys and girls) to be vigilant, and look out for their friends.