How would you react in my situation (bf “microcheating)?

2

Last year around September I found my current boyfriend had telegram installed on his phone, out of curiosity, I opened the app. I was really shocked to see that he’d been messaging a man about hooking up with a girl who was trying to earn money for her Visa.
The man had been sending him videos and my boyfriend was saying stuff like “that is all women are good for” and asking “where this is taking place at”.
Luckily to my knowledge he never actually went through with it. I decided to forgive him because it was the first time I found anything like that on his phone plus it wasn’t physical so I was able to convince myself it actually wasn’t as bad as it sounded.
Three days before Christmas I’m on his phone and I’m on the App Store and I get interested to see what apps he has downloaded.
I noticed that from the first week of us getting together in 2023 To around June of last year he had been downloading hookup dating apps with all sorts of weird kinks.
I can’t stop thinking about it and I sort of can’t believe I forgave him again.
Was he worth forgiving for that? Can he actually change or do I need to worry he will do it again? what would you do? Because I stayed with him.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Original post

by BambiDoll

Last year around September I found my current boyfriend had telegram installed on his phone, out of curiosity, I opened the app. I was really shocked to see that he’d been messaging a man about hooking up with a girl who was trying to earn money for her Visa.
The man had been sending him videos and my boyfriend was saying stuff like “that is all women are good for” and asking “where this is taking place at”.
Luckily to my knowledge he never actually went through with it. I decided to forgive him because it was the first time I found anything like that on his phone plus it wasn’t physical so I was able to convince myself it actually wasn’t as bad as it sounded.
Three days before Christmas I’m on his phone and I’m on the App Store and I get interested to see what apps he has downloaded.
I noticed that from the first week of us getting together in 2023 To around June of last year he had been downloading hookup dating apps with all sorts of weird kinks.
I can’t stop thinking about it and I sort of can’t believe I forgave him again.
Was he worth forgiving for that? Can he actually change or do I need to worry he will do it again? what would you do? Because I stayed with him.

I'm surprised you're even asking because the answer seems very obvious. You should leave him.

He's very clearly not loyal and based off what you've said, he's probably already cheated on you and I'd be surprised if he hasn't in which case he's probably going to cheat on you. It might sound harsh but it's just a bit obvious.

He doesn't seem to care about you as much as you care about him and we can't ignore the comments he made about that other woman in which he literally objectified her so what makes you think he's not doing the same with you.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but based off what you've said this seems to be what's happening.

Reply 2

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

21

If it’s gotten to the point where you felt compelled to check his phone multiple times then the trust is gone and you may as well knock it on the head.

Reply 3

ROTL 94

13

That's quite a nauseating thing to say about women to be honest. Very dodgy behaviour. Is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with? I certainly wouldn't.

Reply 4

Crazy Jamie

19

Original post

by Admit-One

If it’s gotten to the point where you felt compelled to check his phone multiple times then the trust is gone and you may as well knock it on the head.

I agree, but quite apart from there being no trust in this relationship, he has also shown you very clearly who he is through the things that you've seen. You talk about forgiving him through the lens of to what degree his behaviour can be assessed as cheating in the context of your relationship, but the bigger concern to for me would be that he very clearly has no respect for you, your relationship or women in general. I feel I need to write this out to make it clear to you, but even if he didn't go through with it, he was involved in active communications with another man with the aim of exploiting a vulnerable woman for sex. I simply do not understand why you would want to be in a relationship with a man like that. Irrespective of how he comes across day to day, you know who he is when he thinks no one is watching, and you can quite clearly do much better than him.

(edited 10 months ago)

Reply 5

StriderHort

21

This is one reason why the term 'microcheating' is basically meaningless, because it lumps in behaviour like hugging someone with behaviour like this...

Whether he went though with it or not (unknown) he's shown a clear intent to cheat not to mention the misogyny, as @Admit-One said, you keep going through his phone snooping on him because you flat out don't trust him.

Reply 6

black tea

19

He has the attitude of “that is all women are good for”, and you still want to be with him?! Have some self-respect...

Reply 7

username7368346

16

Go. This is actually *worse* than common infidelity, which is hard to be (treachery, risk of disease, lying—it’s about as foul as you can get, but this character manages to sink lower!). He’s a misogynist, an exploiter and a predator in black and white. Rat’s waistcoat pocket comes to mind.

Stay safe and get out!

Reply 8

username7368346

16

Original post

by Lophocolea

Go. This is actually *worse* than common infidelity, which is hard to be (treachery, risk of disease, lying—it’s about as foul as you can get, but this character manages to sink lower!). He’s a misogynist, an exploiter and a predator in black and white. Rat’s waistcoat pocket comes to mind.
Stay safe and get out!

PS — you can’t edit on the phone, please forgive double post. Do you have the name of the Telegram contact? I would take it to the police — forced prostitution, which is what the man you are asking about was engaged in, is a criminal offence. The boyfriend may be worth speaking to the police or a suitable adviser about — solicitation used to be an offence, certainly he is abetting what was once quaintly called white slavery but is better called vicious exploitation of the vulnerable.