Best Friend

So, I’m 16 and in my last year of school, and recently I’ve started to catch feelings for my best friend. The thing is he’s gay, and I’m a closeted bi guy. He’s literally the one person I feel completely comfortable around, and I’m planning on coming out to him soon but I haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t wanna mess up our friendship, but at the same time, I feel like I need to say something. We’ve had little moments—like, playful touches that felt kind of serious but also quite jokingly? We’ve even held hands and hugged when walking home together, and it just felt right and weird. Like, I think that’s when I properly started catching feelings. I just don’t know what to do. Do I tell him? Do I keep it to myself? I really feel like I need to say something, but I don’t wanna risk ruining what we have. Any advice?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Original post

by Anonymous

So, I’m 16 and in my last year of school, and recently I’ve started to catch feelings for my best friend. The thing is he’s gay, and I’m a closeted bi guy. He’s literally the one person I feel completely comfortable around, and I’m planning on coming out to him soon but I haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t wanna mess up our friendship, but at the same time, I feel like I need to say something. We’ve had little moments—like, playful touches that felt kind of serious but also quite jokingly? We’ve even held hands and hugged when walking home together, and it just felt right and weird. Like, I think that’s when I properly started catching feelings. I just don’t know what to do. Do I tell him? Do I keep it to myself? I really feel like I need to say something, but I don’t wanna risk ruining what we have. Any advice?

not telling him will make your feelings stronger and anything he does you will view as flirty/build on your feelings for him since its biased best route is to just tell him to know where you stand,i get your friendship is in the way but what happened when he gets into a relationship I imagine your feelings won't be controlled and jealousy will play apart

Reply 2

Crazy Jamie

19

It's very common for teenagers in particular to not reveal or act on feelings that they have for friends due to a fear of ruining the friendship, or as you say, ruining what you have. In reality, whilst there are circumstances where it's probably best not to confess feelings, I don't generally think that the broad fear of ruining the friendship is a good one. I say that for a few reasons. First, friendships come and go, and strengthen and weaken, throughout your life. It's very much a natural part of getting older. There is absolutely no way to guarantee that friendships that you have now will persist for even a few years more, let alone for the rest of even the majority of your life. That obviously doesn't mean you should be reckless with those friendships and not care about them; the point is that it doesn't make much sense, in my view, to not take something like this further for fear of ruining something that may naturally drift or come to an end anyway. I didn't pursue relationships with a couple of girls when I was your age for that reason, and both of them had the same feelings for me, but we both decided in both cases that we didn't want to ruin our friendships. As it happens, I'm not in contact with either of them anymore, and haven't been for a good 15 years. Does that mean we would have had long lasting and meaningful relationships if we'd pursued them? No, it doesn't. But life is about gathering experiences, and with hindsight, there really wasn't any good reason not to pursue those relationships.

Beyond that, on the issue of coming out to your friend and revealing your feelings, if it is a strong friendship you should be able to come as you are, that is to say that even if those feelings aren't reciprocated, your friend and the friendship as a whole should be able to acknowledge that and deal with it. Could it make things awkward? Sure. But it equally might not do. In any event, having a strong friendship with someone means being able to be vulnerable with them and trust them to make you feel secure in that. To my mind, this falls exactly into that category.

For completeness, it does sound to me like there are some signs here that your friendship is straying here and there into the more romantic side anyway. Not enough to be definitive, but there is some reason to think he may want to go further. Or it could mean that you are just very close friends. Either way, it's something that would cause me to encourage you to pursue this. Ultimately, you don't have nearly as much to lose as you think.

Reply 3

Anonymous #3

Original post

by Anonymous

So, I’m 16 and in my last year of school, and recently I’ve started to catch feelings for my best friend. The thing is he’s gay, and I’m a closeted bi guy. He’s literally the one person I feel completely comfortable around, and I’m planning on coming out to him soon but I haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t wanna mess up our friendship, but at the same time, I feel like I need to say something. We’ve had little moments—like, playful touches that felt kind of serious but also quite jokingly? We’ve even held hands and hugged when walking home together, and it just felt right and weird. Like, I think that’s when I properly started catching feelings. I just don’t know what to do. Do I tell him? Do I keep it to myself? I really feel like I need to say something, but I don’t wanna risk ruining what we have. Any advice?

To be honest, if you are sure that you definitely like him you should just tell him, you only live once and you can make new friendships in the future also lets say you get together and you break up you can still be friends after and you two can laugh off about the experience in the future

Reply 4

anosmianAcrimony

20

The fact he was happy to walk home holding hands with you and stuff means you might well be onto something good here. I wouldn't worry too much about ruining what you've got - after school ends, what you have with him is going to change anyway if you don't make an effort to maintain a connection.

To avoid putting him on the spot, I'd usually suggest not making some big dramatic confession of your feelings. A better route would be to arrange fun things for just the two of you to do together, and lean into the playful touches, and flirt with him - i.e. let your feelings be known in a clear but slightly less direct way.

Have fun! Update us, this is pretty cute.

(edited 10 months ago)

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Yes there is an update. He’s been acting more flirty and open with me lately, and it feels like he’s becoming more willing. Last week, we walked home together a few times, and we’ve both been pretty touchy with each other. This September, we’re starting the same sixth form and even taking one of the same courses. I’m planning to take him somewhere during the week off in a few weeks and ask him about how I feel and how he feels.