My bf is super closed off and I need constant validation, what do I do?

Hi, F18 and M23 in the story. Sorry this is kind of rant-y, first paragraph is just some backstory, second part is a summary & me asking for help !!

My boyfriend is a great guy, don't get me wrong, the only problem we're necessarily facing is I'm somewhat needy in terms of expression. I never had a relationship like this where we don't spend too much time together and I know it's healthy to spend time apart but sometimes I feel like it's too much. When we text it's usually incredibly dry, pure brainrot from him (lol) and on occasion we'll have a great conversation. When we hang out, it's a coin flip. We either talk a lot, have deep conversations, laugh, etc, or it's complete silence while we work on our separate things. The thing is, I don't mind either. I don't mind us sitting in silence - but he does. It's almost as if he feels it's a waste of time. I know he does enjoy hanging out with me and wants to, problem is we have really different hobbies. For example, we live quite far apart so we don't hang out in person as often as I'd like us to, so we resort to playing games. We only have 1 game in common that we both enjoy playing, I enjoy playing it more than he does. So he tends to not play as much as I do (which is fine). I'm not use to a relationship like this, I don't know if he is because I haven't asked, but I have to ask these crazy questions like "Am I annoying?" "Do you like me?" just for reassurance and to hear him say he does enjoy spending time with me. I know he does, I just wish I heard it more often. I have talked to him many times about this and he did previously agree that he takes me for granted and he struggles with expressing gratitude, so I don't know if this is something I should help him with, if it's something I can even 'change' about him, or if I should just leave it be. I tend to spam his phone a lot aswell, which he admitted was annoying. He also knows that the questions I ask I ask because I want him to say that he likes me, and he wants me to stop asking them. I know I should stop asking them, but I just can't. I like hearing my boyfriend say he likes me, sue me lol. I won't be breaking up with him over this because this is just 1 problem in an otherwise 'perfect' relationship, so please don't start suggesting I leave. Is there a way to make this work, or should I just cope?

TLDR; My boyfriend isn't very expressive, but I wish he was. Is there a way to make him express himself more, ie make him more comfortable, or should I just learn to accept him as is?

Reply 1

Dunnig Kruger

You may not break up with him. But he may break up with you. Your neediness and clinginess is driving him away. Especially when combined with the distance.

Having the same hobbies is not required for a successful long term relationship. Because there's the simple work around of each of you doing the hobbies that you most enjoy.

Even if you don't drive him away completely, you're still lowering his interest levels in you with your neediness.

This may be something that you need to go through. As a step towards you maturing as a person and getting better at being in a relationship. So that the eventual pain you feel motivates you to change in the right sort of way.

Stop spamming his phone. Stop asking him if he likes you.
Get on with living your life when you're not with him.
And aim for the two of you to have a great time when you're together. This may involve you taking the lead in terms of what dates or activities you go on when you're with him. There will be, for example plenty of great places you can go to that are free or nearly free within 2 hours of where each of you lives.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post

by Dunnig Kruger

You may not break up with him. But he may break up with you. Your neediness and clinginess is driving him away. Especially when combined with the distance.
Having the same hobbies is not required for a successful long term relationship. Because there's the simple work around of each of you doing the hobbies that you most enjoy.
Even if you don't drive him away completely, you're still lowering his interest levels in you with your neediness.
This may be something that you need to go through. As a step towards you maturing as a person and getting better at being in a relationship. So that the eventual pain you feel motivates you to change in the right sort of way.
Stop spamming his phone. Stop asking him if he likes you.
Get on with living your life when you're not with him.
And aim for the two of you to have a great time when you're together. This may involve you taking the lead in terms of what dates or activities you go on when you're with him. There will be, for example plenty of great places you can go to that are free or nearly free within 2 hours of where each of you lives.

I've asked him multiple times if he spamming him lowered his interest or anything and he said no, he said the only thing that irritates him is the notification sound from me spamming his phone, so I stopped spamming his phone. He said he doesn't mind the questions, sometimes we even laugh about them. He also said if he didn't like me or couldn't tolerate what I'm doing he'd have already broken up with me, or straight up blocked me. Me and him both want this to work long term and we're both putting in the effort to make it work. And we can't necessarily hang out often because I'm a student and he works and our schedules are completely different.

Reply 3

StriderHort

Kind of agree with the above tbh,

You're sitting here asking if you should keep trying to change this guy, but you don't say a word about working on your own glaring issues, they just get dismissed with a blanket 'I can't do that' & 'sue me, lol'. The guy is directly telling you that some of your clingy behaviour is upsetting them but you have no intent to stop it, so do you think that will just be allowed to carry on forever? As above, I think you're maybe the one in more danger of being dumped.

The thing about constantly asking if you're being annoying is that it's self fulfilling, eventually it will annoy pretty much anyone to keep pestering for approval and eventually it looses any and all sincerity and they're just saying it to keep the peace.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post

by StriderHort

Kind of agree with the above tbh,
You're sitting here asking if you should keep trying to change this guy, but you don't say a word about working on your own glaring issues, they just get dismissed with a blanket 'I can't do that' & 'sue me, lol'. The guy is directly telling you that some of your clingy behaviour is upsetting them but you have no intent to stop it, so do you think that will just be allowed to carry on forever? As above, I think you're maybe the one in more danger of being dumped.
The thing about constantly asking if you're being annoying is that it's self fulfilling, eventually it will annoy pretty much anyone to keep pestering for approval and eventually it looses any and all sincerity and they're just saying it to keep the peace.

... I have stopped. I stopped texting him as much. He said the only issue he had was the sound of me sending spam messages as I tend to send short message after one another (e.g. "hi" "hi" "hi") but that's just the way I type and I have changed that, I started typing in larger more put-together paragraphs. He has no issue with me being clingy since he literally said that himself!

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

What people say in these circumstances and what they do, can be 2 different things.
Judge him by his actions and his behaviour towards you, more than his words.

And even if he genuinely has no issues with needy, clingy behaviour, this is a missed opportunity for you to increase his interest and attraction towards you.
Start behaving in ways that demonstrate that you have high levels of self security and you should increase his attraction.
The longer a relationship goes on, the more important it is to behave in ways that increase attraction.