What will you be doing over the Easter break? >>

Situationship help! only met drunk + at night so i cant remember him but want a date!

There's this guy I might like but I'm not sure becuase our only interactions have been when we are both drunk, at night and in the dark and I can't remember much, but we do text a lot inbetween these in person interactions. I really want to meet him sober, in the light and not something sexual, just so that I can actually remember him and the curiosity is killing me.

He did ask me a few times on a date like last term of uni but I was too scared (he's the only sort of romantic/sexual interest I have ever had in my life) so I made up excuses saying I was busy but still showing I was interested.

Should I just ask him out this time? I am scared I will look like a total fool for asking when he's not into me at all, but I am also scared I've pushed him away. Our last encounter was last week again at night and drunk, and this was the 6th time we've ever met and I met him for the first time 2.5 months ago. Also the day after meeting him and having sex for the first time sort of (I was super out of my mind drunk and he was very drunk and respectful asking what I wanted to do, if I enjoyed it, If i wanted to stop etc and being super careful to confirm I wanted this etc and I think I may have downplayed how drunk I was because he was inisiting it would be r*pe if I didn't remmebr nad he wanted my first time to be sober - we had to stop halfway becuase it was too painful) but the day after this I was in the club and got kissed by 2 other guys (so now total ive kissed 3 giys in my life, him and those 2 guys in the club).

I know we're not dating at all obviously, but I don't need to feel bad about this right? and yes I know alcohol has gotten me into bad situations, so I am setting boundaries now to move this forward - I am taking a break from alcohol and clubbing, am not texting him after certain times of the day and not asking to meet drunk and at night. but how do i transition us out of this pattern and start doing more normal sober daytime dates?

Reply 1

anosmianAcrimony

Absolutely ask him out! He's already asked you out, I'm sure he'll be keen. The only real reason I could see he wouldn't be is if he moved on and found someone else after you turned him down. You could suggest doing something he's already suggested, or something you enjoy that you think he'd like too.

I agree with your assessment that the situation you got into with the drunk sex was not great - but it sounds like you're thinking about it in a very sensible way now and your decision to spend more time with him sober is a great one. This definitely isn't something you need to feel bad about.

He sounds like a decent guy in the sense that he was being as careful as possible not to take advantage of you. For all that you and him were in that situation, it sounds like his head's in the right place too.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

the last time I went over like last week, I forgot some stuff in his room so I texted asking if he found them. he texted back saying he had and when would I like to meet to get them back, then the texting convo got sidetracked and we forgot about it. How do I meet him again, and how do I make the meeting to get the stuff turn into a date rather than just transactional, me meeting to take it and leave. I also have been super drunk and passing out every time I've met him, so I could be wrong, but I swear he's embarrased of me and dosen't want his friends to know I'm spending the night. How do I even tell, what do I text to ask him out and how do I not get embarrased. Because I DO NOT want to continue these once every few weeks meeting in the dark and drunk adn passing out then leaving with no memories and confused in the morning.

Reply 3

Dunnig Kruger

Text him this now.
"It's Valentines. Let's meet up tonight. But not for a typical cheesy Valentines date. No restaurant. No flowers. No cards. No drinking."
And then you end it with your suggestion for an activity.
EG by saying
"How about a couple of games of pool?"
"How about playing Settlers of Catan with me and 2 of my flat mates?"
"How about a coffee at Starbucks?"
"How about fish and chips and eating it on a bench?"
"How about meeting at the church of St Paul for a few minutes of prayer, followed by a chat?"
"How about you cooking me supper tonight? With no expectation of sex."
Etc

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Dunnig Kruger

ok so he texted me the other night again saying that he wanted to come over or me to come over there and i told him i needed to stop meeting him drunk and he agreed and then i told him i was actually hanging out w friends at another college so we couldnt meet but also that i didnt want to meet at night and drunk anymore and he said yes and that he dosent remmeber meeting me except for one time when he was sober and i was drunk and i told him that i dont ever remember meeting him,s o he said that some day thsi week we should get lunch and go on a walk - which is MASSIVE PROGRESS for us - the convo then died unitl 2 am the next day when he sent a bunc of random drunk texts asking how i was, saying he'd just seen people kissing in the club (I'm not really sure why he texted me that - like did the kissing make him think of me? or was he like lonely or what??) anyways then for the first time ever when drunk he didnt ask me to come over, he jsut said he thinks we need to meet sober and that we should meet the next day. I repleid today and we agreed to meet in a few days for coffee and a walk - is this a good activity? how do i do this right becuase I do want it to go well and I really want him to like me. will it be awkward considering we've seen each other's full bodies etc or no? and how sexual/familiar will we be do you think? like do you think he'll hug me at the start or hand holding or a kiss or anyhting considering this is our first date? and like hwo do i tell if he thinks I'm ugly becuase I'm super worried he'll see me properly sober and in the day and realise ewww she's so gross and be icked out. so I'm scared but want it to go well and I don't want to have sex on the first date and if he tries to make that happen is that a red flag? it will be tough keepign up my new boundary of no clothes coming off for a while becuase i think he expects me to be cool with it considering every time we meet ive been really drunk adn we end up naked in bed. please help me with any advice you have!!

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

It's time for you to change your whole underlying mentality and how you view yourself, your life, the world, your place in the world and in the history of the universe.#
Because your current mentality isn't serving you well. It's resulting in you having a lot lower quality of life than you should have.
Not just in dating but in everything.

Your mentality should change to one where you know you are good enough. Even though you may not be the finished article, you have the intelligence and logical thinking ability and determination and discipline to change. So that over time, the internal you will get better and better.

If anyone else thinks you're not good enough, that's fair enough. They're welcome to their opinion. You won't agree with it, but you will respect their right to have a wrong opinion and you won't go out of your way to change it.
Because life's too short to start taking idiot horses to the water that they won't drink.

The coffee and walk is a great activity. Do it. My understanding is that you're at Oxford? It's a beautiful city. Surrounded by nice countryside, with Blenheim Palace (lovely gardens and estate) a bus ride away.
Do it Friday, Saturday or Sunday, whilst we have this mild weather. Take a raincoat with a hood.

Stop being so needy for his affection! Give yourself all the affection you need. Make it so that you're not too bothered one way or the other whether he likes you or not. It's fine if he doesn't like you. There's plenty of other men that will - if you follow my advice and sort your inner world out.
The main thing is that you have a nice date. Which you can and will do, regardless of whether you go on further dates with him. Live for the present moment. The enjoyment of a walk in lovely surroundings with a man to chat to.

My understanding is that you have a BMI of 22? If that's true he will find you highly attractive. It's an automatic thing for us men. The type of female body you have is a turn on. Combine that with you having the sort of inner beauty I'm telling you you should have and you will have an irresistible package. The inner beauty and the outer beauty.

Who cares if he will hug you or kiss you or hold your hand? Live in the present moment. Keep an open mind. Think about what you're doing now now. Think about the date when you're on it. Not beforehand. The date will be wonderful and magical regardless of the physical contact between the 2 of you.

If you don't want to have sex on this date: don't. He sounds very much like the sort of guy that will fully respect your feelings on this.

Have the mindset that as you are getting to know him, you will be assessing him to see if he's the sort of guy you want to spend more of your highly valuable time with. And that it's entirely down to you, if or when you will do some sexual activity with him.
Do NOT have sex with him as a ploy to get him to like you better. Have sex with him only because you fully want to.
You can take it for granted that he will want to have sex with you, if offered.