Feedback on a descriptive writing AND tips for staying withing word count!!!!!
My heart sanked into my stomach as I felt my self being blunged into the deep depths. Laughter echoed as I treaded water towards the surface and emerged in time to see the outline of the ship fading into the distance. Hands bound behind my back made it impossible to keep afloat, only my legs could help me but they would soon become worn out. I treaded water as much as I could, my chin desperately trying to stay on the surface and the salt taste of the sea flooding my mouth. Out here, the water was well below what could be deemed ‘cold temperature’ and each second spent in the sea sent daggers throughout my body. After 10 minutes of treading water, my body started to give in. Everywhere was numb and the deadly iceness of the water cut through me making it impossible to concentrate of the task of staying alive. I was in immense pain and after my last blow of air bubbles the wate overtook my body- filling every last cervix- my nose, my mouth. That sensation of drowning was one of the worst experiences I had ever gone through and probably ever will.
After that, I blacked out. The last thing I saw was what appeared to be an ethereal light shining- no swimming towards me. A sense of calm washed over me as I realised it was my time.
As I fluttered my eyelids open, it occurred to me that I was not in the clouds with angels surrounding me. I was not dead. I was still underwater.
Appearances still blurry, it immediately occurred to me that I was breathing in water but I did not feel suffocated. It was like breathing in oxygen. As my vision returned, I noticed that I was being pulled by a being that looked like they had a tail. Not the fin of a dolphin or a tail of a fish I had seen before. The tail glistened in the water and seemed to emit a light that lit up the entire ocean. It was made up of scales that looked like they were carved out of emeralds and despite the fact that the being didn’t have legs, it was pulling me with what seemed to be hands, the only thing that striked me as unusual was that its hands were webbed.
Suddenly the being turned to me and I was hit with an instant sense of repulsion. Its face seemed distorted- like every proportion was out of place. It’s human-like eyes bulged out of its socket and was 3 times the size of that of a normal man. It didn’t have a nose or ears but did have what seemed to be hair that appeared suspended in time. Its pearly iridescent hair was the most exquisite things I had ever layed eyes on. I reached out to touch it-blinded by its beauty but the creature gnarled at me, revealing that it had a mouth which I didn’t know was there.
Suddenly, I realised that more creatures similar to this one started appearing all around me with the same ethereal hair that glistened and shone. Some creatures had blond-coloured hair, some had red but they all had hair that was eerily captivating. The deeper we went, the more creatures became visible and they all had the same uncanny structure. Eyes too big for their distorted face, and no features but a mouth that seemed non-existent. It occurred to me that without the blinding light coming from their gem adorned tails and their hair, the whole ocean would be in total darkness. These beings were a light source.
I found it exceedingly peculiar that so far I had not encountered any other underwater animals but these beings. Not even sea creatures that you expect to encounter this deep into the ocean such as those squid that light up. But then again, these creatures weren’t sea animals, they were extraterrestrial beings. They were supernatural which meant I had probably ventured where no other ‘living’ thing had ventured before. I had ventured into the deepest darkest depths of the ocean.
By this time, I was starting to become increasingly curious. Funny enough, I didn’t seem panicked for my life at these grotesque but alluring beings, rather I felt a sense of anxiety to know more. The creature was still pulling me but it had turned away from me and seemed preoccupied talking with another creature, air bubbles coming from out of their mouths. As I looked around, I notices that I had reached what seemed to be a gathering of the creatures. Their fluorescent light almost blinding me. Suddenly, my captive had stopped pulling me and instead swam towards the other gathering of freakish beings. I noticed that it seemed as if we had reached the bottom of the ocean floor which seemed impossible from my knowledge of how deep the ocean is. In the clearing, I noticed what looked like a sort of throne which was engulfed in a weird substance.
At that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread and all around me seemed sinister. As I glanced at the other creatures, I noticed that they too had a similar expression on their faces. It was all in their eyes. Suddenly, I felt my self being pushed towards the throne. The substance engulfed me until I could not see anything else. After what seemed like an eternity, I emerged from the substance as it released its hold of me and I realised I had the same glistering hair and tail as the other creatures. They had turned me.
I know.... I reviewed my own work and I found out I have a major issue with going over the word count. It's something I need to work on before the main exam.
Any tips to stop a student from going over the wordcount in their IGCSE exam???
After that, I blacked out. The last thing I saw was what appeared to be an ethereal light shining- no swimming towards me. A sense of calm washed over me as I realised it was my time.
As I fluttered my eyelids open, it occurred to me that I was not in the clouds with angels surrounding me. I was not dead. I was still underwater.
Appearances still blurry, it immediately occurred to me that I was breathing in water but I did not feel suffocated. It was like breathing in oxygen. As my vision returned, I noticed that I was being pulled by a being that looked like they had a tail. Not the fin of a dolphin or a tail of a fish I had seen before. The tail glistened in the water and seemed to emit a light that lit up the entire ocean. It was made up of scales that looked like they were carved out of emeralds and despite the fact that the being didn’t have legs, it was pulling me with what seemed to be hands, the only thing that striked me as unusual was that its hands were webbed.
Suddenly the being turned to me and I was hit with an instant sense of repulsion. Its face seemed distorted- like every proportion was out of place. It’s human-like eyes bulged out of its socket and was 3 times the size of that of a normal man. It didn’t have a nose or ears but did have what seemed to be hair that appeared suspended in time. Its pearly iridescent hair was the most exquisite things I had ever layed eyes on. I reached out to touch it-blinded by its beauty but the creature gnarled at me, revealing that it had a mouth which I didn’t know was there.
Suddenly, I realised that more creatures similar to this one started appearing all around me with the same ethereal hair that glistened and shone. Some creatures had blond-coloured hair, some had red but they all had hair that was eerily captivating. The deeper we went, the more creatures became visible and they all had the same uncanny structure. Eyes too big for their distorted face, and no features but a mouth that seemed non-existent. It occurred to me that without the blinding light coming from their gem adorned tails and their hair, the whole ocean would be in total darkness. These beings were a light source.
I found it exceedingly peculiar that so far I had not encountered any other underwater animals but these beings. Not even sea creatures that you expect to encounter this deep into the ocean such as those squid that light up. But then again, these creatures weren’t sea animals, they were extraterrestrial beings. They were supernatural which meant I had probably ventured where no other ‘living’ thing had ventured before. I had ventured into the deepest darkest depths of the ocean.
By this time, I was starting to become increasingly curious. Funny enough, I didn’t seem panicked for my life at these grotesque but alluring beings, rather I felt a sense of anxiety to know more. The creature was still pulling me but it had turned away from me and seemed preoccupied talking with another creature, air bubbles coming from out of their mouths. As I looked around, I notices that I had reached what seemed to be a gathering of the creatures. Their fluorescent light almost blinding me. Suddenly, my captive had stopped pulling me and instead swam towards the other gathering of freakish beings. I noticed that it seemed as if we had reached the bottom of the ocean floor which seemed impossible from my knowledge of how deep the ocean is. In the clearing, I noticed what looked like a sort of throne which was engulfed in a weird substance.
At that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread and all around me seemed sinister. As I glanced at the other creatures, I noticed that they too had a similar expression on their faces. It was all in their eyes. Suddenly, I felt my self being pushed towards the throne. The substance engulfed me until I could not see anything else. After what seemed like an eternity, I emerged from the substance as it released its hold of me and I realised I had the same glistering hair and tail as the other creatures. They had turned me.
I know.... I reviewed my own work and I found out I have a major issue with going over the word count. It's something I need to work on before the main exam.
Any tips to stop a student from going over the wordcount in their IGCSE exam???
Reply 1
Original post
by AbithegoatMy heart sanked into my stomach as I felt my self being blunged into the deep depths. Laughter echoed as I treaded water towards the surface and emerged in time to see the outline of the ship fading into the distance. Hands bound behind my back made it impossible to keep afloat, only my legs could help me but they would soon become worn out. I treaded water as much as I could, my chin desperately trying to stay on the surface and the salt taste of the sea flooding my mouth. Out here, the water was well below what could be deemed ‘cold temperature’ and each second spent in the sea sent daggers throughout my body. After 10 minutes of treading water, my body started to give in. Everywhere was numb and the deadly iceness of the water cut through me making it impossible to concentrate of the task of staying alive. I was in immense pain and after my last blow of air bubbles the wate overtook my body- filling every last cervix- my nose, my mouth. That sensation of drowning was one of the worst experiences I had ever gone through and probably ever will.
After that, I blacked out. The last thing I saw was what appeared to be an ethereal light shining- no swimming towards me. A sense of calm washed over me as I realised it was my time.
As I fluttered my eyelids open, it occurred to me that I was not in the clouds with angels surrounding me. I was not dead. I was still underwater.
Appearances still blurry, it immediately occurred to me that I was breathing in water but I did not feel suffocated. It was like breathing in oxygen. As my vision returned, I noticed that I was being pulled by a being that looked like they had a tail. Not the fin of a dolphin or a tail of a fish I had seen before. The tail glistened in the water and seemed to emit a light that lit up the entire ocean. It was made up of scales that looked like they were carved out of emeralds and despite the fact that the being didn’t have legs, it was pulling me with what seemed to be hands, the only thing that striked me as unusual was that its hands were webbed.
Suddenly the being turned to me and I was hit with an instant sense of repulsion. Its face seemed distorted- like every proportion was out of place. It’s human-like eyes bulged out of its socket and was 3 times the size of that of a normal man. It didn’t have a nose or ears but did have what seemed to be hair that appeared suspended in time. Its pearly iridescent hair was the most exquisite things I had ever layed eyes on. I reached out to touch it-blinded by its beauty but the creature gnarled at me, revealing that it had a mouth which I didn’t know was there.
Suddenly, I realised that more creatures similar to this one started appearing all around me with the same ethereal hair that glistened and shone. Some creatures had blond-coloured hair, some had red but they all had hair that was eerily captivating. The deeper we went, the more creatures became visible and they all had the same uncanny structure. Eyes too big for their distorted face, and no features but a mouth that seemed non-existent. It occurred to me that without the blinding light coming from their gem adorned tails and their hair, the whole ocean would be in total darkness. These beings were a light source.
I found it exceedingly peculiar that so far I had not encountered any other underwater animals but these beings. Not even sea creatures that you expect to encounter this deep into the ocean such as those squid that light up. But then again, these creatures weren’t sea animals, they were extraterrestrial beings. They were supernatural which meant I had probably ventured where no other ‘living’ thing had ventured before. I had ventured into the deepest darkest depths of the ocean.
By this time, I was starting to become increasingly curious. Funny enough, I didn’t seem panicked for my life at these grotesque but alluring beings, rather I felt a sense of anxiety to know more. The creature was still pulling me but it had turned away from me and seemed preoccupied talking with another creature, air bubbles coming from out of their mouths. As I looked around, I notices that I had reached what seemed to be a gathering of the creatures. Their fluorescent light almost blinding me. Suddenly, my captive had stopped pulling me and instead swam towards the other gathering of freakish beings. I noticed that it seemed as if we had reached the bottom of the ocean floor which seemed impossible from my knowledge of how deep the ocean is. In the clearing, I noticed what looked like a sort of throne which was engulfed in a weird substance.
At that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread and all around me seemed sinister. As I glanced at the other creatures, I noticed that they too had a similar expression on their faces. It was all in their eyes. Suddenly, I felt my self being pushed towards the throne. The substance engulfed me until I could not see anything else. After what seemed like an eternity, I emerged from the substance as it released its hold of me and I realised I had the same glistering hair and tail as the other creatures. They had turned me.
I know.... I reviewed my own work and I found out I have a major issue with going over the word count. It's something I need to work on before the main exam.
Any tips to stop a student from going over the wordcount in their IGCSE exam???
After that, I blacked out. The last thing I saw was what appeared to be an ethereal light shining- no swimming towards me. A sense of calm washed over me as I realised it was my time.
As I fluttered my eyelids open, it occurred to me that I was not in the clouds with angels surrounding me. I was not dead. I was still underwater.
Appearances still blurry, it immediately occurred to me that I was breathing in water but I did not feel suffocated. It was like breathing in oxygen. As my vision returned, I noticed that I was being pulled by a being that looked like they had a tail. Not the fin of a dolphin or a tail of a fish I had seen before. The tail glistened in the water and seemed to emit a light that lit up the entire ocean. It was made up of scales that looked like they were carved out of emeralds and despite the fact that the being didn’t have legs, it was pulling me with what seemed to be hands, the only thing that striked me as unusual was that its hands were webbed.
Suddenly the being turned to me and I was hit with an instant sense of repulsion. Its face seemed distorted- like every proportion was out of place. It’s human-like eyes bulged out of its socket and was 3 times the size of that of a normal man. It didn’t have a nose or ears but did have what seemed to be hair that appeared suspended in time. Its pearly iridescent hair was the most exquisite things I had ever layed eyes on. I reached out to touch it-blinded by its beauty but the creature gnarled at me, revealing that it had a mouth which I didn’t know was there.
Suddenly, I realised that more creatures similar to this one started appearing all around me with the same ethereal hair that glistened and shone. Some creatures had blond-coloured hair, some had red but they all had hair that was eerily captivating. The deeper we went, the more creatures became visible and they all had the same uncanny structure. Eyes too big for their distorted face, and no features but a mouth that seemed non-existent. It occurred to me that without the blinding light coming from their gem adorned tails and their hair, the whole ocean would be in total darkness. These beings were a light source.
I found it exceedingly peculiar that so far I had not encountered any other underwater animals but these beings. Not even sea creatures that you expect to encounter this deep into the ocean such as those squid that light up. But then again, these creatures weren’t sea animals, they were extraterrestrial beings. They were supernatural which meant I had probably ventured where no other ‘living’ thing had ventured before. I had ventured into the deepest darkest depths of the ocean.
By this time, I was starting to become increasingly curious. Funny enough, I didn’t seem panicked for my life at these grotesque but alluring beings, rather I felt a sense of anxiety to know more. The creature was still pulling me but it had turned away from me and seemed preoccupied talking with another creature, air bubbles coming from out of their mouths. As I looked around, I notices that I had reached what seemed to be a gathering of the creatures. Their fluorescent light almost blinding me. Suddenly, my captive had stopped pulling me and instead swam towards the other gathering of freakish beings. I noticed that it seemed as if we had reached the bottom of the ocean floor which seemed impossible from my knowledge of how deep the ocean is. In the clearing, I noticed what looked like a sort of throne which was engulfed in a weird substance.
At that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread and all around me seemed sinister. As I glanced at the other creatures, I noticed that they too had a similar expression on their faces. It was all in their eyes. Suddenly, I felt my self being pushed towards the throne. The substance engulfed me until I could not see anything else. After what seemed like an eternity, I emerged from the substance as it released its hold of me and I realised I had the same glistering hair and tail as the other creatures. They had turned me.
I know.... I reviewed my own work and I found out I have a major issue with going over the word count. It's something I need to work on before the main exam.
Any tips to stop a student from going over the wordcount in their IGCSE exam???
I'm not an expert on creative writing but I read lots of books so I hope my advice is somewhat helpful!!
Firstly, I think the description of the protagonist drowning at the start creates tension well. I especially like the use of metaphor with the daggers and how you continued that later in the paragraph. The initial description of the "heart sinking" is a great way of showing a characters emotions rather than telling. I think to improve, you could use that method more often in the rest of the story, as often you simply tell the reader what the character is feeling. For example, "I was in immense pain", or "I was hit with an instant sense of repulsion". For the first example, I think it's unnecessary to state that they were in pain when you have already shown that through her struggle. The reader can infer for themselves that they are in pain, it does not need to be stated. And for the second example, you could show her repulsion through actions like trying to pull back from the being or through facial expressions.
I like how you used some shorter paragraphs with short sentences to build tension and show the suddenness of their realization. I think you could use these shorter paragraphs more often to break up the long blocks of text in the story and desperate out the action a little more.
For some basic grammar feedback, the past tense of sink is "sank" and of strike is "struck". Also, make sure you know the meanings and/or spellings of words before you use them. I think you meant to write "crevice" instead of "cervix", and "extraterrestrial" means something from outer space or another planet - I'm not sure if that is what you meant?
Another bit of advice is to have more variety in the way you start sentences, as most of your sentences start with with articles or pronouns. This is especially evident in the fourth paragraph, where 4 sentences in a row start with "it". To add some variety, try starting sentences with a verb, adjective, noun, or adverb. For example, you could write "Distorted features made its face seems disproportionate. Bulging out of their sockets, its eyes seemed 3x times the size of a normal man's." This makes the sentences sound less repetitive, even if you're saying basically the same thing.
The overall structure of the story is great, with the tense start and establishing danger, and then the rescue with the elements of mystery. Also, the amount of description of the actions and especially of the beings is great. As for time management tips, my only advice would be to just plan a shorter story, or pick which element of the story you want to go into lots of detail about in your plan, as writing this much is unrealistic for most people in the time given.
I hope this helped and good luck!
Reply 2
13
Omgggg! You are amazing! And you have the same name as my sister!!! Thank you so much for this feedback! I really really appreciate it nikki. Have you finished your igcse?
Reply 3
Original post
by AbithegoatOmgggg! You are amazing! And you have the same name as my sister!!! Thank you so much for this feedback! I really really appreciate it nikki. Have you finished your igcse?
I've actually finished my a-levels and will be taking English lit at uni!! Your welcome for the feedback and good luck on your exams!
Reply 4
13
Original post
by nikiiiiiiiI've actually finished my a-levels and will be taking English lit at uni!! Your welcome for the feedback and good luck on your exams!
Ooooo!!!
Reply 5
13
Original post
by nikiiiiiiiI've actually finished my a-levels and will be taking English lit at uni!! Your welcome for the feedback and good luck on your exams!
Hey nikki! For igcse English lang do you recommend doing narrative or descriptive writing?
Reply 6
Original post
by AbithegoatHey nikki! For igcse English lang do you recommend doing narrative or descriptive writing?
I did gcse, im not sure how different it is, but I usually did descriptive cause coming up with a story in that short time was too difficult and i'd take ages planning whenever i tried and never finish the narrative.
Reply 7
13
It's practically the same. That's what I want to do but my teacher kept on telling me to stick to narrative but it's kind of hard coming up with a story line.
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Liverpool dentistry questionnaire
- Eduqas English Language
- English Lit AQA
- ama how to improve gce english lit
- Struggling to get a job - CV tips?
- How do you know your personal statement is finished?
- Access to healthcare - how to achieve distinctions?
- A level Italian Independent Research Project
- Good things for personal statement to ensure a place in a biomedical course?
- Worried about second year of uni
- Dissertation in two weeks
- Submitting your UCAS application
- A-level English nea
- current y11 999998887 AMA!!
- A level Eng Lit Coursework HELP!!
- Essays
- story englsih lang 1
- Anyone else not passed a single video interview or been invited to an AC?
- writing an english lit essay
- What to include in your personal statement
Latest
Trending
Last reply 4 days ago
English Literature Paper 2 2025Last reply 4 months ago
An Inspector Calls Predictions 2025Last reply 4 months ago
GCSE English Literature Study Group 2024-25Last reply 5 months ago
A-Level AQA English Literature B NEA helpLast reply 5 months ago
AQA A-Level English Literature B Prose NEALast reply 5 months ago
gcse english lit essay markerLast reply 6 months ago
Am I Cooked? English Literature NEA DisasterLast reply 6 months ago
A-Level English Literature Study Group 2024-25Last reply 6 months ago
2025 English language IGCSE PREDICTIONS ‼ï¸â€¼ï¸Last reply 7 months ago
English Literature undergraduate degreeLast reply 7 months ago
A level English Literature NEALast reply 7 months ago
English Literature AQA NEA Help!!Last reply 7 months ago
need help for GCSE English Speech!!! (AQA exam board - it's in 3 weeks!!!)Last reply 7 months ago
English lit edexcel coursework helpArticles for you
How The Student Room is moderated
To keep The Student Room safe for everyone, we moderate posts that are added to the site.
