I'm a femcel.
Hello,
To those not familiar with the term - femcel is a variation of an incel (involuntary celibate), simply being female celibate.
I'm 17, never had a boyfriend. I don't go outside. I don't have friends. I sit at my computer all day and play games or watch youtube. I drink monsters everyday, no job, no nothing.
This isn't a matter of me not trying - because I am. There have been periods where I'd go outside to try and socialise, go to shops, cafe's, etc. Only to end up walking out alone.
I have psychotic depression, bipolar II and GAD. Going outside with people makes me so anxious I feel my legs weaken, my heart racing, and I have to suck up a panic attack to not seem like some freak. It gets even worse once someone actually talks to me - I go full panic mode. I try to play it off but something about me is so off-putting that they just cut the conversation short and walk away (politely of course, but that doesn't change how much it sucks.)
I've had periods where I almost feel completely normal and those where I've been so down in the dumps that my hygiene suffers. Because of this, even if I do make a friend, the friendship doesn't last a while before they get grossed out by me.
I like boys. I even like girls. I'm not a femcel in the sense of being a radical feminist (although I do have some controversial opinions) but rather in the sense that guys aren't attracted to me in the long term. The like the idea of me, the idea of a girl who's so vulnerable and weak and they can easily take advantage of me. They don't actually like ME though. I do have interests, I'm really into gothic literature and music. I use to play the guitar, I'm OK at art and I have a TikTok page where I animate with I think 17k followers now? (Not crazy numbers, I know, but one of my vids has 1.6m views! :3). The interests that I do have tend to be quite niche tho - soyjaks for example. Can't find many people IRL who are into that.
I try to keep on top of things and appear as normal as possible, but I'm so jealous. Growing up I didn't really have friends either, so I lack the fundemental social skills necessary to form connections. My body language, posture, everything about me makes me unapproachable. I'm nice though, nobody has anything bad to say about me apart from the fact I'm weird. They think I enjoy being alone, but I don't.
I'm doing my A levels right now and every free/study period I have I spend hiding in the bathroom, waiting for the day to end. Either that or sneaking out of school whenever possible so nobody sees me. I'm also doing my EPQ. That actually brings me to another point - for my EPQ I want to interview some professionals but the thought of speaking to them face-to-face makes me so incredibly anxious it makes me throw up.
I really wish I could change, but I can't do anything in the current school I'm at. Everyone already has opinions of me, opinions I can't change. There's a chance I'll be moving to America next year, which I'm really hoping for. That way I can get a fresh start. Although, I am incredibly worried about the whole trump doge thing. Oh well. Not only can I not do anything now, I don't know how to do anything! I don't know how to socialise, and I do use the tips that I find online (yes, I google how to socialise) but I think people can tell that my responses and everything I do is fabricated and unnatural.
That's it. This was more of a rant than anything - just for people to get a glimpse of my life and maybe help them feel a bit better about theirs. I know there's people with a worse life than mine, but it is what it is.
To those not familiar with the term - femcel is a variation of an incel (involuntary celibate), simply being female celibate.
I'm 17, never had a boyfriend. I don't go outside. I don't have friends. I sit at my computer all day and play games or watch youtube. I drink monsters everyday, no job, no nothing.
This isn't a matter of me not trying - because I am. There have been periods where I'd go outside to try and socialise, go to shops, cafe's, etc. Only to end up walking out alone.
I have psychotic depression, bipolar II and GAD. Going outside with people makes me so anxious I feel my legs weaken, my heart racing, and I have to suck up a panic attack to not seem like some freak. It gets even worse once someone actually talks to me - I go full panic mode. I try to play it off but something about me is so off-putting that they just cut the conversation short and walk away (politely of course, but that doesn't change how much it sucks.)
I've had periods where I almost feel completely normal and those where I've been so down in the dumps that my hygiene suffers. Because of this, even if I do make a friend, the friendship doesn't last a while before they get grossed out by me.
I like boys. I even like girls. I'm not a femcel in the sense of being a radical feminist (although I do have some controversial opinions) but rather in the sense that guys aren't attracted to me in the long term. The like the idea of me, the idea of a girl who's so vulnerable and weak and they can easily take advantage of me. They don't actually like ME though. I do have interests, I'm really into gothic literature and music. I use to play the guitar, I'm OK at art and I have a TikTok page where I animate with I think 17k followers now? (Not crazy numbers, I know, but one of my vids has 1.6m views! :3). The interests that I do have tend to be quite niche tho - soyjaks for example. Can't find many people IRL who are into that.
I try to keep on top of things and appear as normal as possible, but I'm so jealous. Growing up I didn't really have friends either, so I lack the fundemental social skills necessary to form connections. My body language, posture, everything about me makes me unapproachable. I'm nice though, nobody has anything bad to say about me apart from the fact I'm weird. They think I enjoy being alone, but I don't.
I'm doing my A levels right now and every free/study period I have I spend hiding in the bathroom, waiting for the day to end. Either that or sneaking out of school whenever possible so nobody sees me. I'm also doing my EPQ. That actually brings me to another point - for my EPQ I want to interview some professionals but the thought of speaking to them face-to-face makes me so incredibly anxious it makes me throw up.
I really wish I could change, but I can't do anything in the current school I'm at. Everyone already has opinions of me, opinions I can't change. There's a chance I'll be moving to America next year, which I'm really hoping for. That way I can get a fresh start. Although, I am incredibly worried about the whole trump doge thing. Oh well. Not only can I not do anything now, I don't know how to do anything! I don't know how to socialise, and I do use the tips that I find online (yes, I google how to socialise) but I think people can tell that my responses and everything I do is fabricated and unnatural.
That's it. This was more of a rant than anything - just for people to get a glimpse of my life and maybe help them feel a bit better about theirs. I know there's people with a worse life than mine, but it is what it is.
Reply 1
Hi there,
I'm sorry you are going through involuntary social isolation. I don't think any of us are born with social skills, they do take practice, but of course you have to overcome some barriers to get to experience the social world and get that practice. I wondered if you have any help for your fear of social situations? Can you ask your mental health professional if it's possible to get help with this specific issue, whether CBT or something else? It sounds like your trips to shops and cafes are trying to increase your experience and comfort in social situations, and that seems like a great idea, but perhaps some assistance would be helpful.
I also wondered if there are any socials for people who find socials hard near you? Whether that's MH or neurodiverse or other reasons - would it be easier if you knew others were also finding their way with this?
Just on the interviewing of professionals side - I'm a middle-aged professional, and I would love to be interviewed. Almost everyone likes talking about themselves, even better if the other person shows their interest by their question. Honestly, it's a welcome break and not annoying or inconvenient. Anyway - if you contacted me by email and said "I'd like to interview you, but due to mental health issues, I need some adjustments to be comfortable" I'd be willing to try. I would just need you to say what you needed - would sitting side-by-side be easier than face-to-face (less intense)? What if you emailed the questions through first, so you don't have to read them aloud? Or a video call?
Sorry if my suggestions are things you've already considered/tried. In that case, I just want to offer some sympathy, and hope that others will join in the chat with relevant experiences.
I'm sorry you are going through involuntary social isolation. I don't think any of us are born with social skills, they do take practice, but of course you have to overcome some barriers to get to experience the social world and get that practice. I wondered if you have any help for your fear of social situations? Can you ask your mental health professional if it's possible to get help with this specific issue, whether CBT or something else? It sounds like your trips to shops and cafes are trying to increase your experience and comfort in social situations, and that seems like a great idea, but perhaps some assistance would be helpful.
I also wondered if there are any socials for people who find socials hard near you? Whether that's MH or neurodiverse or other reasons - would it be easier if you knew others were also finding their way with this?
Just on the interviewing of professionals side - I'm a middle-aged professional, and I would love to be interviewed. Almost everyone likes talking about themselves, even better if the other person shows their interest by their question. Honestly, it's a welcome break and not annoying or inconvenient. Anyway - if you contacted me by email and said "I'd like to interview you, but due to mental health issues, I need some adjustments to be comfortable" I'd be willing to try. I would just need you to say what you needed - would sitting side-by-side be easier than face-to-face (less intense)? What if you emailed the questions through first, so you don't have to read them aloud? Or a video call?
Sorry if my suggestions are things you've already considered/tried. In that case, I just want to offer some sympathy, and hope that others will join in the chat with relevant experiences.
Reply 2
It sounds like you're trying really hard and beginning to develop some strategies for life. At 17, nobody could expect you to have everything perfectly together. You're an artist and you are also your own piece of art, and right now you're a work in progress and that's okay.
You're studying for your A-levels AND holding down a significant, moderately sized social media following based on an artistic skill that could eventually be employable if it isn't already. That's a lot of work and a lot of success IMO. Don't beat yourself up for not ALSO having time for a job, an extensive social life, or time you could put aside for romantic endeavours. Focusing on your studies right now is a totally sensible thing to do.
At 17, it's very normal to feel like you don't know how to socialise "correctly" - you're still figuring out the ways that you engage with people, and finding yourself, and that's totally okay. I know that at 17 I felt like a socially incompetent outcast too.
Just based on myself and on the examples of my friends, my boyfriend and other people I've known, it's very common to struggle in your late teens and feel like things aren't going anywhere; but what you're actually doing is a lot of very difficult and subtle work on yourself; and over the next 5-10 years you'll find that things gradually come together. You'll find people whose company you enjoy and who enjoy being around you, and you'll find an occupation that suits you. Or maybe it'll take a little longer and that would be okay too. There is light at the end of the tunnel and things DO get better.
If I was going to give one piece of advice I'd suggest you take people at face value. When you say "I think people can tell my responses and everything I do is fabricated and unnatural" - how can you possibly know that? Try not to leap to that conclusion if you can - don't let your current feelings about yourself colour how you perceive other folks. There really are people out there who will like you if you give them the chance.
Good luck out there - it will be okay!
You're studying for your A-levels AND holding down a significant, moderately sized social media following based on an artistic skill that could eventually be employable if it isn't already. That's a lot of work and a lot of success IMO. Don't beat yourself up for not ALSO having time for a job, an extensive social life, or time you could put aside for romantic endeavours. Focusing on your studies right now is a totally sensible thing to do.
At 17, it's very normal to feel like you don't know how to socialise "correctly" - you're still figuring out the ways that you engage with people, and finding yourself, and that's totally okay. I know that at 17 I felt like a socially incompetent outcast too.
Just based on myself and on the examples of my friends, my boyfriend and other people I've known, it's very common to struggle in your late teens and feel like things aren't going anywhere; but what you're actually doing is a lot of very difficult and subtle work on yourself; and over the next 5-10 years you'll find that things gradually come together. You'll find people whose company you enjoy and who enjoy being around you, and you'll find an occupation that suits you. Or maybe it'll take a little longer and that would be okay too. There is light at the end of the tunnel and things DO get better.
If I was going to give one piece of advice I'd suggest you take people at face value. When you say "I think people can tell my responses and everything I do is fabricated and unnatural" - how can you possibly know that? Try not to leap to that conclusion if you can - don't let your current feelings about yourself colour how you perceive other folks. There really are people out there who will like you if you give them the chance.
Good luck out there - it will be okay!
Reply 3
Original post
by AnonymousHello,
To those not familiar with the term - femcel is a variation of an incel (involuntary celibate), simply being female celibate.
I'm 17, never had a boyfriend. I don't go outside. I don't have friends. I sit at my computer all day and play games or watch youtube. I drink monsters everyday, no job, no nothing.
This isn't a matter of me not trying - because I am. There have been periods where I'd go outside to try and socialise, go to shops, cafe's, etc. Only to end up walking out alone.
I have psychotic depression, bipolar II and GAD. Going outside with people makes me so anxious I feel my legs weaken, my heart racing, and I have to suck up a panic attack to not seem like some freak. It gets even worse once someone actually talks to me - I go full panic mode. I try to play it off but something about me is so off-putting that they just cut the conversation short and walk away (politely of course, but that doesn't change how much it sucks.)
I've had periods where I almost feel completely normal and those where I've been so down in the dumps that my hygiene suffers. Because of this, even if I do make a friend, the friendship doesn't last a while before they get grossed out by me.
I like boys. I even like girls. I'm not a femcel in the sense of being a radical feminist (although I do have some controversial opinions) but rather in the sense that guys aren't attracted to me in the long term. The like the idea of me, the idea of a girl who's so vulnerable and weak and they can easily take advantage of me. They don't actually like ME though. I do have interests, I'm really into gothic literature and music. I use to play the guitar, I'm OK at art and I have a TikTok page where I animate with I think 17k followers now? (Not crazy numbers, I know, but one of my vids has 1.6m views! :3). The interests that I do have tend to be quite niche tho - soyjaks for example. Can't find many people IRL who are into that.
I try to keep on top of things and appear as normal as possible, but I'm so jealous. Growing up I didn't really have friends either, so I lack the fundemental social skills necessary to form connections. My body language, posture, everything about me makes me unapproachable. I'm nice though, nobody has anything bad to say about me apart from the fact I'm weird. They think I enjoy being alone, but I don't.
I'm doing my A levels right now and every free/study period I have I spend hiding in the bathroom, waiting for the day to end. Either that or sneaking out of school whenever possible so nobody sees me. I'm also doing my EPQ. That actually brings me to another point - for my EPQ I want to interview some professionals but the thought of speaking to them face-to-face makes me so incredibly anxious it makes me throw up.
I really wish I could change, but I can't do anything in the current school I'm at. Everyone already has opinions of me, opinions I can't change. There's a chance I'll be moving to America next year, which I'm really hoping for. That way I can get a fresh start. Although, I am incredibly worried about the whole trump doge thing. Oh well. Not only can I not do anything now, I don't know how to do anything! I don't know how to socialise, and I do use the tips that I find online (yes, I google how to socialise) but I think people can tell that my responses and everything I do is fabricated and unnatural.
That's it. This was more of a rant than anything - just for people to get a glimpse of my life and maybe help them feel a bit better about theirs. I know there's people with a worse life than mine, but it is what it is.
To those not familiar with the term - femcel is a variation of an incel (involuntary celibate), simply being female celibate.
I'm 17, never had a boyfriend. I don't go outside. I don't have friends. I sit at my computer all day and play games or watch youtube. I drink monsters everyday, no job, no nothing.
This isn't a matter of me not trying - because I am. There have been periods where I'd go outside to try and socialise, go to shops, cafe's, etc. Only to end up walking out alone.
I have psychotic depression, bipolar II and GAD. Going outside with people makes me so anxious I feel my legs weaken, my heart racing, and I have to suck up a panic attack to not seem like some freak. It gets even worse once someone actually talks to me - I go full panic mode. I try to play it off but something about me is so off-putting that they just cut the conversation short and walk away (politely of course, but that doesn't change how much it sucks.)
I've had periods where I almost feel completely normal and those where I've been so down in the dumps that my hygiene suffers. Because of this, even if I do make a friend, the friendship doesn't last a while before they get grossed out by me.
I like boys. I even like girls. I'm not a femcel in the sense of being a radical feminist (although I do have some controversial opinions) but rather in the sense that guys aren't attracted to me in the long term. The like the idea of me, the idea of a girl who's so vulnerable and weak and they can easily take advantage of me. They don't actually like ME though. I do have interests, I'm really into gothic literature and music. I use to play the guitar, I'm OK at art and I have a TikTok page where I animate with I think 17k followers now? (Not crazy numbers, I know, but one of my vids has 1.6m views! :3). The interests that I do have tend to be quite niche tho - soyjaks for example. Can't find many people IRL who are into that.
I try to keep on top of things and appear as normal as possible, but I'm so jealous. Growing up I didn't really have friends either, so I lack the fundemental social skills necessary to form connections. My body language, posture, everything about me makes me unapproachable. I'm nice though, nobody has anything bad to say about me apart from the fact I'm weird. They think I enjoy being alone, but I don't.
I'm doing my A levels right now and every free/study period I have I spend hiding in the bathroom, waiting for the day to end. Either that or sneaking out of school whenever possible so nobody sees me. I'm also doing my EPQ. That actually brings me to another point - for my EPQ I want to interview some professionals but the thought of speaking to them face-to-face makes me so incredibly anxious it makes me throw up.
I really wish I could change, but I can't do anything in the current school I'm at. Everyone already has opinions of me, opinions I can't change. There's a chance I'll be moving to America next year, which I'm really hoping for. That way I can get a fresh start. Although, I am incredibly worried about the whole trump doge thing. Oh well. Not only can I not do anything now, I don't know how to do anything! I don't know how to socialise, and I do use the tips that I find online (yes, I google how to socialise) but I think people can tell that my responses and everything I do is fabricated and unnatural.
That's it. This was more of a rant than anything - just for people to get a glimpse of my life and maybe help them feel a bit better about theirs. I know there's people with a worse life than mine, but it is what it is.
You're literally me bro, I am 17 and I also spend all day in the bathrooms at college. I get outcasted and laughed at by random people in my classes and they hold their friends over me as some social prize that they have and I can't achieve. I'm autistic lol, I'm also an artist and animator and enjoy the niche soyjak stuff you're talking about. I just acknowledge that everyone in my classes are one-dimensional and useless, and talking to them is much easier when you realise that. I don't have any advice but you're literally me. You deserve good things
))))))Reply 4
The whiplash I got from reading this was weird, and I can safely say you are not alone in this
I'm in nearly the exact same predicament, even when it comes to wanting to go to America (kinda. I got accepted into university there but... the whole Trump thing... yeah, I'll wait until I've finished uni here in 4 years to see whether that country burned to the ground or not, thank you /jl) and also having to hide during sixth form, at least before I left for college where I could at least leave the grounds instead of hide. I also have a (different) disorder happily kicking my ass along with depression and anxiety. The main difference would be that regarding people and going out, I am like this voluntarily. I'm friendly but I hate people as a whole and don't want friends, and I don't see the point of stressing myself out if I don't need to go out. Don't see the point in socializing correctly or learning how if I have no intention of having connections, ykyk? I'm 21, though.
If you don't end up moving to the US, and you decide to go to university, remember that is like the exact same situation. New place and no-one knows who you are. I kept telling myself this and I'm finally moving away from this god forsaken town in September to the other side of the UK. My sister left a few years back, similar struggle to you but she lost her friends a year before, had never dated, struggled with her mental health, could barely go out, etc, etc. but now she's finished university with a boyfriend of 3 years who she lives with and a concept art degree she's proud of
I do agree this kind of struggle is common, but not to your degree. Nothing wrong with that though, you haven't done this to yourself and disorders are a pain in the *** that are going to make it harder, and you can't change that sadly. This doesn't change the fact you deserve good things and it can and will turn around, you just need to remember to grab for it yourself when you see that chance
Felt you on the posture and body language thingie. Maybe, until you can leave that place, work on those? I trained both of these things during this past year, not perfect yet but I can happily say my body language has gone from tense and straight-backed to... slightly more relaxed. But still standoffish. I really like having my arms crossed, so not my problem imo. My sitting posture is now not shrimp unless I'm drawing
Really good job on your socials though, that's bloody impressive for a 17 year old
I'm in nearly the exact same predicament, even when it comes to wanting to go to America (kinda. I got accepted into university there but... the whole Trump thing... yeah, I'll wait until I've finished uni here in 4 years to see whether that country burned to the ground or not, thank you /jl) and also having to hide during sixth form, at least before I left for college where I could at least leave the grounds instead of hide. I also have a (different) disorder happily kicking my ass along with depression and anxiety. The main difference would be that regarding people and going out, I am like this voluntarily. I'm friendly but I hate people as a whole and don't want friends, and I don't see the point of stressing myself out if I don't need to go out. Don't see the point in socializing correctly or learning how if I have no intention of having connections, ykyk? I'm 21, though.
If you don't end up moving to the US, and you decide to go to university, remember that is like the exact same situation. New place and no-one knows who you are. I kept telling myself this and I'm finally moving away from this god forsaken town in September to the other side of the UK. My sister left a few years back, similar struggle to you but she lost her friends a year before, had never dated, struggled with her mental health, could barely go out, etc, etc. but now she's finished university with a boyfriend of 3 years who she lives with and a concept art degree she's proud of
I do agree this kind of struggle is common, but not to your degree. Nothing wrong with that though, you haven't done this to yourself and disorders are a pain in the *** that are going to make it harder, and you can't change that sadly. This doesn't change the fact you deserve good things and it can and will turn around, you just need to remember to grab for it yourself when you see that chance
Felt you on the posture and body language thingie. Maybe, until you can leave that place, work on those? I trained both of these things during this past year, not perfect yet but I can happily say my body language has gone from tense and straight-backed to... slightly more relaxed. But still standoffish. I really like having my arms crossed, so not my problem imo. My sitting posture is now not shrimp unless I'm drawing
Really good job on your socials though, that's bloody impressive for a 17 year old
Reply 5
16
I'm not a femcel but my social life is almost the same as yours.
Reply 6
Your skills and hobbies sound really interesting and hopefully at a new school you will get a lot of chances to join clubs/societies/meetings over those interests. You don't necessarily have to talk, you can just do your hobbies in a space with others (like art clubs/classes, watching the musical performances of others) or if you do have to talk you don't have to make small talk or talk about yourself but can instead talk about the things you like, which I always think is easier. Like literature discussion. In those spaces people love hearing about niche aspects of their interests - it makes the discussion wayy more interesting
I guess the only advice I would say is that don't go outside just to socialise, if you can try find outside places that are more quiet (but safe) or where everyone is doing their own thing like a park or a big shop. Just because going outside is just good/healthy for you in and of itself. Not just for exercise, it's just been shown that going outside improves mood drastically compared to staying in 1 place for hours. Honestly if you are able to enjoy going outside by yourself thats something a lot of social people struggle with - And just know if you do do so, you're putting in the effort to better yourself - if anybody judges you whilst you do that, they are awful cruel people who wants other people to dwell in misery. (but honestly people outside are usually so busy or trying to clear their own heads they rarely notice others)
I guess the only advice I would say is that don't go outside just to socialise, if you can try find outside places that are more quiet (but safe) or where everyone is doing their own thing like a park or a big shop. Just because going outside is just good/healthy for you in and of itself. Not just for exercise, it's just been shown that going outside improves mood drastically compared to staying in 1 place for hours. Honestly if you are able to enjoy going outside by yourself thats something a lot of social people struggle with - And just know if you do do so, you're putting in the effort to better yourself - if anybody judges you whilst you do that, they are awful cruel people who wants other people to dwell in misery. (but honestly people outside are usually so busy or trying to clear their own heads they rarely notice others)
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