can someone mark my poetry compariosn please?

please can someone give me some feedback on this essay out of 30?
Compare how poets present ideas about power and control in ‘London’ and in one other
poem from ‘Power and conflict’.
In both ‘ozymandias’ and ‘London’ the poets Blake and Shelley explore ideas about handing power to authoritarian leaders who use it to exploit, oppress and torture those beneath them with no remorse. Shelley, a radical romantic poet, writes about an extremely powerful leader whose power eventually fades away. Whereas, Blake who writes around the time of the french revolution, describes the horrors of walking through the streets of London as he witnesses the consequences of heartless leaders who exploit the poor and continue to gain power.
Blake begins his poem using the verb “chartered” to describe the street which means something that is listed and regulated, suggesting that even the streets are being controlled. He then extends this to the natural river Thames which highlights Blake's criticism on urbanisation and the commodification of nature, suggesting that something that was once free to all is now being parceled up and sold to the highest bidder. Through this, Blake exposes the divide between the powerful elite who continue to gain control and the lower classes who are stripped of their freedom and are further oppressed. Whereas, Shelley chooses to start ‘Ozymandias’ by using the pronoun “i”, which immediately disconnects him from the speaker as he wanted to impart his political messages such as the dangers of authoritarian leaders who took advantage of their power. The use of the pronoun “i” is only used once which emphasises that the perspective does not really matter and Shelley wanted to distance himself from the speaker as much as possible.
Further along in Blake's poem ‘London’ he draws our attention to the alliterative metaphor “mind- forged manacles I hear”, implying Blakes idea that the Londoners were not physically restrained but were mentally enslaved by their own acceptance of their oppression.This suggests that Blake is criticising the mindset of Londoners arguing that their obedience with authority makes them complicit in their own suffering. The verb “forged” carries a dual meaning: creation and falsification, implying that the social hierarchy is a social construct designed to maintain power.Through this, Blake urges people to recognise their own oppression and break free from the constraints imposed upon them. However, although Shelley also criticises those in power, he focuses more on those who maintain power for unnecessary amounts of time in order to ensure their name will be in history forever, like Ozymandias attempts but fails to do. Ozymandias’ statue is described as having a “wrinkled lip” which illustrates his expression of contempt or disgust, thus displaying the king's disdain for those below him, viewing them as inferior to him. This antipathy paired with immense power shows how Shelley is demonstrating the consequences of a leader having unlimited power as it allows them to see others as inferior to them, thus enabling them to torture and oppress them. An alternative view of “wrinkled” could be that it is expressing Shelley's idea that Ozymandias’ power was already slipping away with his old age but he was desperate to maintain control. This could display Shelley’s wider point that we should not cling to power as it is transient to the everlasting nature of time.
Both poets criticise those in power who turn away from the suffering of people and continue to treat them poorly. Shelley describes the statue as belonging to a ruler who ‘mocked them’, implying that he scorned or ridiculed those under him. The ‘hand’ could be seen as a symbol of the king's power which he used to dominate. The verb ‘mocked’ could be seen as ‘made a model of’ which could imply that the sculptor literally modelled Ozymandias. Perhaps, the sculptor's intent was not to portray him negatively but it was inevitable that his cruelty would show as it was an inextricable part of him. The ‘heart that fed’ could not imply that the sculptor was exposing Ozymandias true nature for everyone to see, therefore [feeding] the people. This could reflect Shelley’s underlying message that art will outlast the tyrannical rulers. Similarly, Blake criticises the corrupt and hypocritical church who ignore the “chimney sweeper's cry”. Blake juxtaposes the ‘chimney sweepers cry” with the “church” to create a stark contrast between the suffering of innocent children and the church who turn a blind eye to their suffering instead of offering salvation. The “blackening” church could symbolise both physical pollution from the industrial revolution and moral corruption reflecting Blake's belief that religion is used as a tool to bring people down instead of uplift them. Through this Blake is criticising the church who do not choose to change society for the better and the moral failings of those in power. The word “appalls” means to be shocked showing how the church should be horrified at the suffering of young children, who often die young due to dangerous labour. Blake is saying that the church remains passive, which criticises their complacency and hypocrisy.However, an alternative view on “appalls” could be the word “pall” which refers to a black cloth draped over coffins. This could imply that every church is covered in mourning which signifies spiritual lifelessness and misery. This ultimately portrays the church as dead as it has turned away from christ’ teachings of justice and compassion.
In the last stanza of ‘London’ we see a volta here as Blake shifts his criticism to the patriarchy. The oxymoron “marriage hearse” juxtaposes the joy of marriage with the misery of death, suggesting that something that should bring love and unity is now doomed to destruction. Blake criticises men who destroy marriages through the spread of STDs, implied by “plagues”, which were incurable at the time . This could reflect Blakes personal life as by marrying an illiterate wife he defied gender norms showing his progressive view on gender roles. Shelley focuses on the everlasting power of nature to end his poem in “the lone and level sands stretch far away” to display how nature will outlast the leaders no matter how desperate they are to maintain power even after their death. This could portray the physical sand that has covered ozymandias’ statue and the metaphorical sands of time which has covered Ozymandias’ memory.
London uses a regular ABAB rhyme scheme which could mimic the regular walking pace of the speaker. This rhyme scheme has a seemingly childlike quality. By employing this fluidity and rhythm, it ensures that even children can recall its message, reflecting how deeply ingrained these injustices are in society. However, Shelley does not conform to the exact structure of a sonnet. Although the poem uses iambic pentameter consistently, the irregular rhyme scheme breaks away from a traditional sonnet which enables Shelley to imply that poetry and literature can defy tradition and give way to new power. This is an attitude that Romantic poets, including Shelley had.