Mark my Narrative? GCSE English Language

Hi! I've written a narrative and want to get a collective mark for it because my teacher told me before it was around 25/40 and I have improved it since. However since mocks are around the corner and my teacher has yet to mark the improved section, could someone please read it and mark it? :smile:

The two hour journey was tiresome, to say the least. Around me, a chaotic symphony of chatter, shouting and off-key singing made it impossible to rest. As soon as I laid my head back on my seat, there would be a sharp bump in the road carried by more chatter. Never mind tiresome, it was utter horror.
But that came to an abrupt end when the lights in the distance came into view. The other kids jumped up, pressing their faces against the windows and shouted, ‘We’re here!’. A sigh of relief escaped me and I felt my inner child leap up in joy. The signs glowing like fireflies even in the daylight. The spiralling metal structures looping in dangerous directions. Giant pendulums swinging back and forth. Platforms shooting into the sky. Suddenly, it all felt a bit more real. This was going to be fun.

The supposed single file line out the bus turned into a wonky zig-zag. My classmates were buzzing with excitement. The entrance was decorated with a balloon arch, framing the words ‘Bolton Towers’. What was even more magical was the smell. The sweet aroma of churros and powdered sugar. Bumping me out of this trance was the booming voice of the teacher explaining the rules we must follow on this trip. It was all the same, ‘You must stay with one person or more at all times', 'Come back to the fountain at 6pm.’

Easy enough… Or so I thought.

On entering, children whizzed past me like flies. On the bright side, finally the screaming had stopped as it was carried to the other side of the park. Towering over me as I walked was a roller coaster. Now that was on my to-do list. My eyes flew around looking for the wait-time sign. Forty minutes. My joy sank to the ground.
Determined, however, I trudged through the crowd into the line, dragging my friend along with me. ‘It’ll go by quickly’, I reassured her and, admittedly, myself.

Ten minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes passed. I glanced up at the roller coaster. The way it went up and down. The loops spiralling into drops which make you question reality. It made me feel dizzy, faint, and lightheaded. My stomach churned with fear. What if the ride stopped? What if it caused a terrible accident and I was on it?
Slowly edging towards the end of the line, I could see the employees dressed in bright red and blue hollering each person onto the ride. Finally it got to me, I was either going to hate it or love it. But something didn’t feel right. Was I missing something? I glanced to my left. Where was my friend?

My eyes darted to every corner. Nothing. Behind me were unfamiliar faces which blurred into one. Nothing. I couldn’t go onto that thing alone. The girl dressed in red and blue tapped me on the shoulder, making me wake up from my state of panic. I couldn’t go on it alone. I wouldn’t. The churning in my stomach tightened into knots - twisting, tangling, bowline pulling me in one way while a square knot anchored me deeper into my fear.

Their eyes were staring at me. Each and every one of them, peering into my psyche. Each and every one had someone with them. My excitement had turned into undeniable anxiety. I couldn’t handle it all. A swift turn was all it took for me to push myself past the crowd of nothing. The shadow of the roller coaster still imposing over my cowering being. The line worth forty minutes felt like a memory as I clumsily stumbled away, my breath uneven, my heart pounding louder than the screams echoing from the ride above. Taunting me - a cold reminder of my cowardice. My breath still unsteady and unsure, my hands on my knees as I tried to steady myself.

Finally, I lifted my head again to take in the scene, still crowded, oblivious to my suffering. Amidst the blur of colours and cheers was a familiar face. A face I knew well. My friend. My face, which initially displayed uncertainty and panic, twisted into a shade of red and frustration. She approached me with a cheery smile only deepening my state of confusion and irritation.

Before she could speak, I cut in, my voice sharp, ‘Where did you go?’
Her head tilted slightly, ‘The toilet?’, she replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. ‘I told you before I went, you must have been daydreaming.’
I froze, the realisation hit me like a cold ocean wave. Deep exhalation couldn’t shake the feeling of trembling stupidity, I did have a tendency to space out. A warm smile spread across her face as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder, a silent gesture of understanding and remorse. The sky dimmed slightly, emphasising the glittering lights. We followed the smell of churros and candy apples.