My gf is paranoid and clingy - help!
I go to my gfs house like everyday, her parents are cool and they like having me over. I don't mind her being cuddly and stuff when I go over, because I like it, but whenever I'm not with her or at her house she spam text and calls me. She's always asking where I am and to send proof, I don't know if she thinks I'm cheating or something. I'd say I go to her house like 5 times a week, which is a lot, but she's saying it's not enough? She also keeps asking me questions like will I leave her, she's a bit self conscious about her body. I don't know how to assure her that I'm not going to cheat or leave her? We're both 18 and have been dating for a few months, we haven't had sex but she keeps trying to subtly hint at it. I don't really feel I'm ready for that yet. Any help?
Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous
I go to my gfs house like everyday, her parents are cool and they like having me over. I don't mind her being cuddly and stuff when I go over, because I like it, but whenever I'm not with her or at her house she spam text and calls me. She's always asking where I am and to send proof, I don't know if she thinks I'm cheating or something. I'd say I go to her house like 5 times a week, which is a lot, but she's saying it's not enough? She also keeps asking me questions like will I leave her, she's a bit self conscious about her body. I don't know how to assure her that I'm not going to cheat or leave her? We're both 18 and have been dating for a few months, we haven't had sex but she keeps trying to subtly hint at it. I don't really feel I'm ready for that yet. Any help?
Be straight forward and communicate tbh, mostly the sex and how u find it uncomfortable that she’s always clinging to you.
Like ofc it’s nice to hv ur bf around but she needs to realise that u hv a life besides her, after all it’s also abt trust. If she’s asking for proof then she clearly doesn’t trust u, it might not be ur fault but jst her insecurities or past but that’s not really ur fault in the end. Being at her place 5 times a week is crazy, sounds exhausting asf.
Reply 2
It sounds like she doesn't realise that the onus needs to be on her to trust you, rather than on you to provide proof you're not cheating. Frankly she doesn't really seem ready for a relationship at this stage.
Original post by anosmianAcrimony
It sounds like she doesn't realise that the onus needs to be on her to trust you, rather than on you to provide proof you're not cheating. Frankly she doesn't really seem ready for a relationship at this stage.
Exactly this. Shades of this sort of behaviour are not uncommon in teenage relationships. But no relationship can survive very long with this level of insecurity. She fundamentally doesn't seem to understand how trust works. Which, again, is not uncommon. But it is something that you need to talk to her about, and something that she needs to work on if there's going to be any future in this.
Reply 4
Original post by anosmianAcrimony
It sounds like she doesn't realise that the onus needs to be on her to trust you, rather than on you to provide proof you're not cheating. Frankly she doesn't really seem ready for a relationship at this stage.
Ditto this. Everytime she tells you to prove what you're doing she's basically calling you a liar and telling you your word isn't good enough. It sucks that she feels this way but she will be pretty much to blame for the relationship ending for treating someone this way. I don't think I would stay in a relationship where my word wasn't good enough.
Honesty might be the best policy "Will you leave me?" "If things don't change, yes I'm going to leave"
I would find this mentally exhausting. And can imagine this exchange the first time they tried it.
"Where RU?"
"Tesco"
"Prv it"
"No."
"Where RU?"
"Tesco"
"Prv it"
"No."
Reply 6
Original post by Admit-One
I would find this mentally exhausting. And can imagine this exchange the first time they tried it.
"Where RU?"
"Tesco"
"Prv it"
"No."
"Where RU?"
"Tesco"
"Prv it"
"No."
I know, you'd be unable to resist messing with them eventually, sending them stock photos of Tesco with you badly pasted on top of them with a big thumbs up, and send the same photo every time they ask.
Original post by StriderHort
I know, you'd be unable to resist messing with them eventually, sending them stock photos of Tesco with you badly pasted on top of them with a big thumbs up, and send the same photo every time they ask.
Haha, send a photo of an Hawaiian beach with the stock image company logo stamped through the middle.
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous
I go to my gfs house like everyday, her parents are cool and they like having me over. I don't mind her being cuddly and stuff when I go over, because I like it, but whenever I'm not with her or at her house she spam text and calls me. She's always asking where I am and to send proof, I don't know if she thinks I'm cheating or something. I'd say I go to her house like 5 times a week, which is a lot, but she's saying it's not enough? She also keeps asking me questions like will I leave her, she's a bit self conscious about her body. I don't know how to assure her that I'm not going to cheat or leave her? We're both 18 and have been dating for a few months, we haven't had sex but she keeps trying to subtly hint at it. I don't really feel I'm ready for that yet. Any help?
Talk with her about it be as open as possible and if she cry’s or gets frustrated let her know you’re not mad and you still love her you just need a tiny bit of space
Reply 9
Original post by Ilikehellokitty
Talk with her about it be as open as possible and if she cry’s or gets frustrated let her know you’re not mad and you still love her you just need a tiny bit of space
But is that being honest? What good is a bit of space if someone simply doesn't trust you and considers your absence suspicious? and past a point of false accusations you should be getting mad with someone, not pandering to them and acting like it's acceptable.
Reply 10
I think it's quite rude to go to a girl's house 5 days a week and to not have sex with her when she's been hinting that she wants it. Either make love with her or make it clear to her that she's in your friendzone.
If you've put her in the friendzone and you're still going there 5 days a week offer them real genuine value. For example by cooking for them, servicing their cars, bringing sunshine into their lives etc etc.
Before addressing the undesirable behaviour in others, look at your own behaviour.
Act like a great man or woman yourself as your primary objective. Or at least a great woman or man in the making. As at 18 you're not going to be the finished article.
Alongside you being a high calibre adult is you setting boundaries. This is one of the traits that the best people have. They set clear boundaries.
With the main boundaries that you set involving you placing a very high value on your time.
A high value on your good mood, with you making it so that it's difficult or next to impossible for other people to knock you off your good mood.
Your humour. So that you liberally throw humour into your social interactions. With humour being a great way to defuse conflict. Or just to make day to day life that little bit more enjoyable.
When this girl sees that you're a prize. And that the 2 of you are compatible in the key areas, she will put up with you not responding to her spam. And if anything, she will be overall more attracted to you because you don't respond to her bombardment of messages.
I also think that you should give both her and yourself some slack. As you're 18 and this may be your first big relationship.
This is a golden learning opportunity for both of you.
BTW it sounds like she's got great parents?
If you've put her in the friendzone and you're still going there 5 days a week offer them real genuine value. For example by cooking for them, servicing their cars, bringing sunshine into their lives etc etc.
Before addressing the undesirable behaviour in others, look at your own behaviour.
Act like a great man or woman yourself as your primary objective. Or at least a great woman or man in the making. As at 18 you're not going to be the finished article.
Alongside you being a high calibre adult is you setting boundaries. This is one of the traits that the best people have. They set clear boundaries.
With the main boundaries that you set involving you placing a very high value on your time.
A high value on your good mood, with you making it so that it's difficult or next to impossible for other people to knock you off your good mood.
Your humour. So that you liberally throw humour into your social interactions. With humour being a great way to defuse conflict. Or just to make day to day life that little bit more enjoyable.
When this girl sees that you're a prize. And that the 2 of you are compatible in the key areas, she will put up with you not responding to her spam. And if anything, she will be overall more attracted to you because you don't respond to her bombardment of messages.
I also think that you should give both her and yourself some slack. As you're 18 and this may be your first big relationship.
This is a golden learning opportunity for both of you.
BTW it sounds like she's got great parents?
Reply 11
Original post by StriderHort
But is that being honest? What good is a bit of space if someone simply doesn't trust you and considers your absence suspicious? and past a point of false accusations you should be getting mad with someone, not pandering to them and acting like it's acceptable.
I mean yea but I used to be somewhat similar to her due to past trust issues so I feel like a bit of understanding is needed yk?
Reply 12
Original post by Anonymous
I go to my gfs house like everyday, her parents are cool and they like having me over. I don't mind her being cuddly and stuff when I go over, because I like it, but whenever I'm not with her or at her house she spam text and calls me. She's always asking where I am and to send proof, I don't know if she thinks I'm cheating or something. I'd say I go to her house like 5 times a week, which is a lot, but she's saying it's not enough? She also keeps asking me questions like will I leave her, she's a bit self conscious about her body. I don't know how to assure her that I'm not going to cheat or leave her? We're both 18 and have been dating for a few months, we haven't had sex but she keeps trying to subtly hint at it. I don't really feel I'm ready for that yet. Any help?
UPDATE:
I talked to her about everything and how I'm feeling. She apologised and said she didn't know she was being so paranoid and possessive. She also said she'll stop with the asking for proof and stuff because she trusts me. I told her I need my own alone time and she agreed, but I'll probably still go over to her house a lot. I don't know if she was just agreeing with me or she means what she says?
Reply 13
Original post by Anonymous
UPDATE:
I talked to her about everything and how I'm feeling. She apologised and said she didn't know she was being so paranoid and possessive. She also said she'll stop with the asking for proof and stuff because she trusts me. I told her I need my own alone time and she agreed, but I'll probably still go over to her house a lot. I don't know if she was just agreeing with me or she means what she says?
I talked to her about everything and how I'm feeling. She apologised and said she didn't know she was being so paranoid and possessive. She also said she'll stop with the asking for proof and stuff because she trusts me. I told her I need my own alone time and she agreed, but I'll probably still go over to her house a lot. I don't know if she was just agreeing with me or she means what she says?
That’s for you to find out hopefully she listens
Reply 14
Original post by Ilikehellokitty
I mean yea but I used to be somewhat similar to her due to past trust issues so I feel like a bit of understanding is needed yk?
A bit of understanding sure. I'm just saying this has limits and past a point with unfounded accusations you will inevitably offend an innocent person and drive them away.
Reply 15
Original post by Anonymous
UPDATE:
I talked to her about everything and how I'm feeling. She apologised and said she didn't know she was being so paranoid and possessive. She also said she'll stop with the asking for proof and stuff because she trusts me. I told her I need my own alone time and she agreed, but I'll probably still go over to her house a lot. I don't know if she was just agreeing with me or she means what she says?
I talked to her about everything and how I'm feeling. She apologised and said she didn't know she was being so paranoid and possessive. She also said she'll stop with the asking for proof and stuff because she trusts me. I told her I need my own alone time and she agreed, but I'll probably still go over to her house a lot. I don't know if she was just agreeing with me or she means what she says?
We don't know either, but if you care about the relationship it's probably worth giving her a chance to prove she understood. Still obv concerning that she thought demanding proof of where you are etc was normal and didn't see she was doing anything weird.
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