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Boyfriend problem!

My boyfriend has a friend he's really close with, and she is also his flatmate. He's introduced me to her and she makes sure to make me feel included in social events and stuff and also go on double dates with her. My boyfriend and her go food shopping together, cook together and go to each other's room and my boyfriend told me he has let her sleep in his room before, and he has also slept in her room. He was really open and honest about it and wasn't trying to hide anything. I told him I found that weird that they were sleeping in each others rooms, and he said he hears me, and was glad I brought it up. He said he would keep that in mind and that he let her sleep in his room because she was really sleep deprived once and that the other time his room was getting cleaned so he went to hers. I said I was fine with them going into each other's rooms but not sleeping in each other's beds, and he acknowledged that. Should I have made him give his word on not to do something like that again no matter the circumstance? I felt like I was being not that firm when talking about it.

Reply 1

Original post
by Anonymous
My boyfriend has a friend he's really close with, and she is also his flatmate. He's introduced me to her and she makes sure to make me feel included in social events and stuff and also go on double dates with her. My boyfriend and her go food shopping together, cook together and go to each other's room and my boyfriend told me he has let her sleep in his room before, and he has also slept in her room. He was really open and honest about it and wasn't trying to hide anything. I told him I found that weird that they were sleeping in each others rooms, and he said he hears me, and was glad I brought it up. He said he would keep that in mind and that he let her sleep in his room because she was really sleep deprived once and that the other time his room was getting cleaned so he went to hers. I said I was fine with them going into each other's rooms but not sleeping in each other's beds, and he acknowledged that. Should I have made him give his word on not to do something like that again no matter the circumstance? I felt like I was being not that firm when talking about it.

hey! you have every right to feel uncertain or uncomfortable with the situation, and it sounds like you need to have a more serious and more in depth conversation with your bf. I can relate, my bf has quite a lot of friends who are women, and truth be told it used to make me quite uncomfortable, some more than others. However, after talking to him we've set up some boundaries that allow me to feel alot safer now. For example, he avoids at all costs to be one on one with a girl at his place (this can't be the case for you obvs) but we have other rules like he makes sure to bring me up when they talk, he does not engage in any physical contact beyond what I'm comfortable with, and most importantly he tells me about the hang out. This is what my therapist told me that actually really helped. He chose YOU. Even though he may live with this girl, he chose you to be his girlfriend, and he continues to do so every day, and reminf yourself of that. If he didn't want to be with you he wouldn't be, so if ever you feel insecure of her, remember that you are his girlfriend. About the room thing, thats super fair, and honestly be more firm with your bf, tell him its hard for you and that this just crosses a boundary. If he makes you feel crazy or insecure about that, then honestly I think that is a 'red flag', because he should be trying to make you comfortable. Try to explain why it bothers you, and the come up with some boundaries that can make you feel better in the long run! Relationships are hard, and I get being worried about other girls considering my boyfriends array of friends, but honestly I think it is a good thing when men can have friends who are women without being sexually attracted to them, it shows that your bf sees women as PEOPLE and also that you can trust your bf. Some of my friends don't allow their bfs to have any women friends, personally I think thats crazy! If you can't trust your bf t be around women, thats an issue. But to conclude, establish firm boundaries, its not okay to tell him he can't have female friends, but its completely healthy and okay to not be okay with them sleeping in the same room! Be confident :smile:

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