Am i overreacting (oxford reject)
My mum was mad at me for something and I came right away to clean it up and she was shouting about it and while I was walking away after doing it I was jokingly saying “the most assertive people don’t need to shout to get their point across” and I accidentally slipped up and said smart but I meant assertive and I quickly clarified that and she said “if you’re so smart, Cambridge/UCL didn’t call you” and I said something about what she said and then she said “I don’t care” and it hurts because she probably said Cambridge because my old bsf got into and Cambridge and I applied to Oxford and UCL and was rejected by both and idk I just feel kinda hurt by it because I did put in effort and I just want to make them proud and idk it hurts and my parents are quite narcissistic and there’s no chance she’ll ever apologise probably just make it about her but it hurts because my academic efforts aren’t for me, if I could choose I’d probably drop out and explore literature or philosophy so for her to throw them back at me hurts because the wound is still fresh, since I got rejected from UCL this month and Oxford in November, and she knew how much I wanted this I just feel hurt mad sad disappointing and like a fraud , I don’t think I said anything to warrant that and it hurts because I really just want my parents to hug me and tell me I’m not a failure or idk something but they tell me I’m mentally lazy, useless or say, “your friends mom must be proud” or “why did God give me such a lazy child” and it’s like wow because I spend like 8hrs in my room doing work and in school I’m a loner so I’m in the library doing more work and I consistently get top grades which goes unacknowledged but my failure is used against me and every since a child the only time they recognised me is through academics so I basically made it my entire personality just so I could see at least a smile of proud but instead they tell me “maybe I should have less expectations for you” and things of such, when I told them I got rejected, I saw the look of disappointment and it’s all too much for me, idk what to do I just feel constant dread and I’m already suffering from depression I just dk and it’s like I can’t afford to slack because in my mind it’s like “what if I just hold on a little more maybe they’ll acknowledge me” but they never do so sometimes I wish from the start I was a little stupider, did a little worse in school then maybe they wouldn’t expect much from me like they don’t with my sister
Reply 1
Your feelings are entirely valid. I genuinely understand how difficult it must be to face rejection, especially when you've desired something so intensely. Just today, I experienced rejection for an application I submitted in December, and it left me heartbroken. You have every reason to feel hurt, insecure, and even worthless; however, it’s crucial to remind yourself that these feelings are temporary. While you may not have gained admission to your dream college, that doesn't prevent you from achieving your dream job. You just need to explore a different path, much like finding an alternative route when a road is blocked to reach the same destination. It might take more time and feel more challenging, but you'll get there. Trust that you did your best. Ultimately, the only person who truly witnesses your efforts is you—not your mum, family, or friends. You've worked incredibly hard, and your results reflect your dedication, especially under pressure and within a limited timeframe. It’s important to allow yourself to be human, to make mistakes, and to not have everything figured out. Give yourself the space to find peace and take the necessary time to process your emotions. Don't rush to gather yourself; remember, just as a broken vase needs time to be repaired properly for lasting strength, you too need time to heal.
Reply 2
What do you think is more important?
Doing both would be fine. But doing 1. would be better than doing both 1. and 2. if you do it in the next 3 years - which is quite possible if you apply that wonderful brain of yours, with your admirable work ethic, plus a generous dose of grit and determination.
There are 3 big things you should look to get squared away, as soon as possible:
Focus on those 3 things. And don't get side-tracked by side missions, that detract from your main missions, such as pleasing parents with an old-fashioned view of the world.
There was some research that indicated that the 2 main things required for someone to be content are a good self esteem and the expectation that good things will happen in the future.
1.
You gaining the ability to earn loads of money at something you enjoy doing, or
2.
You jumping through the hoops required to get you into Oxford or Cambridge?
There are 3 big things you should look to get squared away, as soon as possible:
•
Maintenance of your health. This includes your nutrition, physical activity, mental health, including your contentment levels.
•
Developing the skills to attract and keep a romantic partner.
•
Getting the money side of your life sorted.
Focus on those 3 things. And don't get side-tracked by side missions, that detract from your main missions, such as pleasing parents with an old-fashioned view of the world.
There was some research that indicated that the 2 main things required for someone to be content are a good self esteem and the expectation that good things will happen in the future.
Reply 3
The issue here isn’t the Oxford rejection at all. The issue here is how you mother is treating you - that is not a you problem, that is a her problem and yes, you being upset about it is perfectly valid.
Unofortunately, she is highly unlikely to change, and she probably doesn’t act that way out of menace but because she wants the best for you. Perhaps her own parents weren’t very supportive so she just never learnt how to act in a way that would be helpful to her own kids. Or maybe she is jut a bit of bully (though again, bullies aren’t born, they are made). Ultimately, what you have to learn to do is to not let what your parents say affect how you feel about yourself - you are not responsible for their feelings and there is absolutely nothing you can do about the generational trauma that makes them act how they act. It’s hard, but it gets easier with age. You are clearly not lazy or stupid and your grades are a clear reflection of that - being rejected from Oxbridge is not the end of the world, they simply can’t accept every single excellent candidadate that applies there. Try not to be too hard on yourself and keep doing what you are doing but with the aim of doing the best you can for yourself, not so you can please them - it is not your responsibility to make them happy.
Unofortunately, she is highly unlikely to change, and she probably doesn’t act that way out of menace but because she wants the best for you. Perhaps her own parents weren’t very supportive so she just never learnt how to act in a way that would be helpful to her own kids. Or maybe she is jut a bit of bully (though again, bullies aren’t born, they are made). Ultimately, what you have to learn to do is to not let what your parents say affect how you feel about yourself - you are not responsible for their feelings and there is absolutely nothing you can do about the generational trauma that makes them act how they act. It’s hard, but it gets easier with age. You are clearly not lazy or stupid and your grades are a clear reflection of that - being rejected from Oxbridge is not the end of the world, they simply can’t accept every single excellent candidadate that applies there. Try not to be too hard on yourself and keep doing what you are doing but with the aim of doing the best you can for yourself, not so you can please them - it is not your responsibility to make them happy.
Reply 4
Were it like a badge of honour
I will be
I will be
Reply 5
I'm sorry your parents treat you that way. I think black tea has made some great points.
I think it's very understandable that you are upset by her remark; however, you said in your post "I don’t think I said anything to warrant that". What you said to your mum is that she's not clever - she can't verify that you said the wrong word and that you meant "assertive" rather than "smart". So, from her perspective, she probably felt hurt by what you said. She may have already had an inferiority complex about you applying to such prestigious unis (particularly if she works a low-paying job, or didn't go to uni herself, or is an immigrant who has struggled to adjust to life here. Your parents' behaviour sounds very typical of certain immigrant/ethnic backgrounds! But maybe I'm making outlandish assumptions here).
Anyway, while I'm not justifying how she treats you generally, what you said probably stung and so she snapped back. Just try to frame it as that and, like black tea says, hopefully in time you can find ways to learn to take her behaviour less personally. Her treatment of her is a reflection of her, not you, and it will help you if you can learn to see things that way. It's really hard to do while you're still living with your parents, but hopefully whichever uni you go to, you will live out and learn to be more self-confident and independent and see your own self-worth
I think it's very understandable that you are upset by her remark; however, you said in your post "I don’t think I said anything to warrant that". What you said to your mum is that she's not clever - she can't verify that you said the wrong word and that you meant "assertive" rather than "smart". So, from her perspective, she probably felt hurt by what you said. She may have already had an inferiority complex about you applying to such prestigious unis (particularly if she works a low-paying job, or didn't go to uni herself, or is an immigrant who has struggled to adjust to life here. Your parents' behaviour sounds very typical of certain immigrant/ethnic backgrounds! But maybe I'm making outlandish assumptions here).
Anyway, while I'm not justifying how she treats you generally, what you said probably stung and so she snapped back. Just try to frame it as that and, like black tea says, hopefully in time you can find ways to learn to take her behaviour less personally. Her treatment of her is a reflection of her, not you, and it will help you if you can learn to see things that way. It's really hard to do while you're still living with your parents, but hopefully whichever uni you go to, you will live out and learn to be more self-confident and independent and see your own self-worth
Reply 6
10
Original post
by AnonymousMy mum was mad at me for something and I came right away to clean it up and she was shouting about it and while I was walking away after doing it I was jokingly saying “the most assertive people don’t need to shout to get their point across” and I accidentally slipped up and said smart but I meant assertive and I quickly clarified that and she said “if you’re so smart, Cambridge/UCL didn’t call you” and I said something about what she said and then she said “I don’t care” and it hurts because she probably said Cambridge because my old bsf got into and Cambridge and I applied to Oxford and UCL and was rejected by both and idk I just feel kinda hurt by it because I did put in effort and I just want to make them proud and idk it hurts and my parents are quite narcissistic and there’s no chance she’ll ever apologise probably just make it about her but it hurts because my academic efforts aren’t for me, if I could choose I’d probably drop out and explore literature or philosophy so for her to throw them back at me hurts because the wound is still fresh, since I got rejected from UCL this month and Oxford in November, and she knew how much I wanted this I just feel hurt mad sad disappointing and like a fraud , I don’t think I said anything to warrant that and it hurts because I really just want my parents to hug me and tell me I’m not a failure or idk something but they tell me I’m mentally lazy, useless or say, “your friends mom must be proud” or “why did God give me such a lazy child” and it’s like wow because I spend like 8hrs in my room doing work and in school I’m a loner so I’m in the library doing more work and I consistently get top grades which goes unacknowledged but my failure is used against me and every since a child the only time they recognised me is through academics so I basically made it my entire personality just so I could see at least a smile of proud but instead they tell me “maybe I should have less expectations for you” and things of such, when I told them I got rejected, I saw the look of disappointment and it’s all too much for me, idk what to do I just feel constant dread and I’m already suffering from depression I just dk and it’s like I can’t afford to slack because in my mind it’s like “what if I just hold on a little more maybe they’ll acknowledge me” but they never do so sometimes I wish from the start I was a little stupider, did a little worse in school then maybe they wouldn’t expect much from me like they don’t with my sister
I agree with the others- she took it personally and said something cruel to retaliate and humble you. That was really out of line and I’m sorry it hurt you even more than you’re already going through
from personal experience/ having 2 narcissist parents, SOOO much of what they say is a mirror of their own issues and insecurities so please don’t take anything she says to heart from here on out. Her mocking you about UCL and Oxford is really about her not only never getting to go there but now not having the flex of saying her child goes there. If you’d gone, she’d be proud for 10 minutes and then wrap it with so much jealousy, condescension, and unfair expectations that you might’ve lost your mind even more. I think the rejections are a blessing in disguise because if you had their support, it sounds like you’d do something completely different with your life but the gag is that’s your way out. I know it’s tough but UCL and Oxford‘s no is making room for you to do what you really want
if she’s gonna have a problem either way, you might as well go for your dreams. yes they will implode but you are more than your marks and their pawn. And the more you grow and disappoint them, the more you typically gain your independence and peace back/ start to feel like you can breathe and be happy. It won’t always be like this- just don’t give up and advocate for yourself the way you deserve
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