A villager: short story

“If youre so smart, why didn’t Cambridge or ucl law take you.” At first these words didn’t hit, just a pity and low blow to gain power, or cut deep, bestow a share of her frustration onto me, I get that, I get it. But I am in pain, and I barely understand why. I’m allergic to success, I feel as though im stuck in a cyclical loop of me always just short of it. It feels almost poetic how I just fall short. Id rather fall long than to fall short. I visualise a canyon, a cliff, my passions, “useless” “wont pay bills”, the things I grew up on, grew with, my sense of constancy my passions are the villagers left behind. I walk to the canyon, naively excited to meet a new friend, I search for my villagers in her, but I know and she knows and they know that she’ll never be the villagers I grew up with. Torn to turn back or venture the new world, I always keep the villagers within me, a sense of solace and self, but why cant I stay with them, im limited to them living metaphorically within me. Nevertheless, its what the Gods would want, they want me to meet and befriend the Canyon girl but no matter what, the canyon girl seems so distant, she doesn’t like me, and perhaps I don’t like her, but we ostensibly fit each other, you know. Perhaps, I could take the parts of the villagers in me and place it in her, make her more likeable. The Gods insult me, are disappointed in me, have high expectations, my cousins don’t have my ability to leap, im the most athletic, that’s how they see me anyway. Though they are Gods, they rely on me to jump with my strong legs and that’s what I do. They acknowledge me when I jump, only when I jump. Im 118 years old and I have made jumping who I am, I overexaggerate my jumps and practice my jump for hours just for seconds of empty recognition. Now im known for my jumping, I am not more than jumping, it is who I am. I never tell the Gods about my secret visits to the village, I am ashamed, they hate the villagers, they call them useless, worthless, lazy, but always in my heart, the villagers live on. In my sleep, freetime, thoughts, they persist. They ridicule and scorn the idea of marrying a villager, so harshly I feel ashamed even thinking about the village in their presence. They ask me ‘wheres my hometown’, I feel ashamed of my village. I have a friend, shes a great jumper, better than me, however, there are specific jumps that im the best at, she cant beat me in those jumps. Those jumps are the jumps in my village, my hometown. But since my Gods hate my village, her inability to master the jumps in my village doesn’t matter to them. Now, im back at the canyon, to cross to meet canyon girl. Ive been working very hard to master this jump, ive completed every single jump leading to this, if I can just pass this, I have a chance of meeting the canyon girl they place so highly. This canyon consists of 4 jumps. *jump* I make it, *jump* again, I miss. I tumble, Its okay though, if I can just climb back up and retry, I miss again, I fall. The Gods scorn, say hateful things, I miss my village, I miss the warmth and the love, and the passion and the smiles and the understanding and the knowledge, the want for more. I look up and see my friend cross the canyon perfectly. I should be jealous, but I wish the Gods liked my people, maybe then, id cross many and all the canyons in my village, make them proud. They chatter and gossip, praise my friend. I lay in the ditch, but im not a quitter, I promise the Gods, perhaps promise myself, that I will leave the ditch and WILL hold canyon girls hand, they believe me once and then twice, but their eyes full of disappointment and unfamiliarity. They think, ‘but she was the best ditch jumper’. I provide alternatives which enrages them and they blame me saying ‘you wanted this’ ‘I told you to jump this canyon instead’ but I want to jump the ones in MY home town, but ii cant, so canyon girl is closest to home. I grip the rocks again but I slip, I cry out to the spirits for help, guidance, support…silence, silence, silence. I watch overhead of those stealing my dream. I hate Canyon girl but I crave the God’s acknowledgement. Behind me, there’s a door, a glimmer, a passage back to my village. I lay here in the darkness of the ditch, the grimy soils gripping my skin, pulling me into it, my decision requires haste. Do I go against the Gods and return home, knowing they’ll banish me from the heavens, taint my name with disdain, disgust and disregard. Strip me of the greatest gift: their proudness. Or do pursue canyon girl knowing, ill forever miss my home, and chase the God’s acknowledgement, something ill never entirely grasp. “If youre so smart, why didn’t Cambridge or ucl law take you.” My efforts, my sacrifice, my purpose, my existence crushed in 11 words. I know me, I never stop jumping, but what way do I jump, to the Gods which ive done for 114 years or finally to my village, my happiness, my calling.