I don't even know anymore

To start things off, my life has been going downhill mentally and physically since December. i feel like I'm stupid, ugly, and overall someone people hate. I'm 14 almost 15 in 2 days. I'm a freshman in highschool and December I started talking to this boy who was known as a player but I had a crush on him for a few months and so basically we started dating bc he apparently liked me too. I fell in love with him in the course of our 1 month relationship. He was my first boyfriend we never went on dates bc of parents and I only saw him at school. We he!d hands, but I felt like he really got me and I fell for him. he broke up with me twice. the first time was over winter break over text. he just said i can't do this anymore and that he was going through a lot and can't maintain a relationship. the second time was 2 weeks later where we got back together the day school started and that lasted 2 days. his excuse apparently was i liked someone else and he was bothered by that and then just said we can be friends. trying to blame it on me when i never would have broken up with him or cheat. one thing i hate is he said i love you in person to me the day before and this just crushed me but then the next day i still have to go to school and pretend everythings fine when it's not. he also said i was the only girl he said i love you too but he lied (not surpried :/). then a week later he tries to say crap like i still like you but its complicated and me saying i like you too makes me look cheap and desperate. he was asking for girls numbers from places he went and would talk about it in class (i have one period with him) then i emailed him (bc he wouldn't answer my texts) saying how i rlly like him and then he just said ill think about it bc its a lot to process and i said ok and he said but its not a no okay? and i said yeah sounds good. no update from him whatsoever so i sent him another one saying just forget what i said i didn't mean to make things awkward lol but no response ik he got it bc he knows where i walk before fist period and my acquaintance said he was waiting 5 minutes and when he saw me he walked past me and stared me down. now apparently he is dating another girl and posts on tiktok and instagram only 2 weeks later which kills me. i don't talk to him ever and no-one not even my family or best friends know about this or how i feel truly. i hate myself because if he were to call or want to get back together i would say yes. he talks crap about me to his best friend who is in my p.e. class and he just stares me down in the hallways and during p.e. which makes me want to *ie. then 1 month ago (early Feb) this boy who I might start to like but idk was checking me out in class to the point where his friend called it out by saying he was to a person at his table. then the next day this boy (we'll call him O) I heard his friend M say just talk to her and he said I don't even know her. o would ask my friends bf if he knew me or my snap and would text him he would work up the courage to make a move on me. which he never did bc I emailed his school account saying "Hey Owen, this may be weird (mb if it is), but I find you cute and was wondering if I could get your number to get to know you better" he sent me his number obv and we texted about sports interests clubs and hobbies. he would mostly text me first but ur convos would only be like hey hru wyd. he did text about 2-3 weeks ago saying "hey, do you want to do something sometime" I said yea I would, and said hang out with friends? to which he said maybe. a day later, he said sorry I didnt talk to you today I'll talk to you tmmr which he never did and when I said we didn't talk today yk he said yea sorry. we never talked in person. (I have 2 classes with him) then he left me on delivered for 3 days (I only texted hey) and he said hey sorry I haven't been responding I've been grounded cause I did bad on a test. (he lied bc he's on his phone at school during this time) I left him delivered for a day and he texted 2 more times a hey and ?. I said hey, its okay, I understand, I just saw this. and I'll talk to you Tuesday in person. he left me delivered for 5 days and I did not talk to him. he then texted can you stop staring at me (I never was, bc he might be assuming bc I was looking his direction-the whiteboards behind him) I texted I never was.... -then I blocked him (for about 2 weeks) tonight I unblocked him which he mby doesn't know. I don't look at him or his direction anymore. but i've caught him glancing at me twice (diff times) (mby more I just didn't see)

I want a boyfriend. I just want someone to love me and not break up with me. ik its dumb but thats how i truly feel inside. i feel like people talk bad about me and hate me (even if it's not true) my own sister calls me ugly in front of friends and people, kicks me, and says embrrassing moments of me to people. (she is 11)
anyways, sorry for this long paragraph but idk anymore. waking up just feels like hell bc i wish i never existed.

Reply 1

PinkMobilePhone

Chat Forum Helper, Life & Style Forum Helper

This is probably going to sound very patronising, and something "old people" say, but it's honestly true...

You are very very young still. These feelings that you're having for this boy are, for lack of a better word, puppy love. I know at your age hormones are flying all over the place, and every little thing seems like the end of the world, and you feel deeply in love, but in time that will pass.
One day you will look back at this "relationship" and feel nothing for this boy. You'll realise that it was just a teenager crush and it wasn't really love.

As for your sister, that sounds like completely normal (if not rather annoying) banter between siblings. My 19 and 17 year olds were like that with each other when they were younger. Now my 11 and 17 year olds say stuff like that to each other. I think the only one who hasn't spent several years roasting his siblings is my 15 year old, but it's definitely common. It absolutely doesn't mean they don't love each other, just as it doesn't mean your sister doesn't love you.

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