What do I say????

So I have been friends with this girl for basically forever.
Our friendship has always been very on and off as we didn't really see each other that much, but overall it was ok.
But a handful of months ago I started to see her more often, as our schedules aligned better.
Now I see them basically every week.
The thing is they have other friends that, despite the fact I hardly know them, can't seem to stand me.
And in a situation where they have to choose whether to talk to me or them they will always go to them, often not even acknowledging me.
I eventually just came to the conclusion that they just aren't that good of a friend and moved on.
But suddenly she messaged me apologising, saying that she knows she's being hurtful, etc.
Tbh I'm really confused.
I know I need to reply but I hate messaging and calling, and I can't think of an appropriate time to address this Irl.
And I'm not going to see them in person for a while so do I ignore the message, try to talk to them when I next see them, or what ?
I'm not really sure what I feel and I don't really know what to say.
I also have bad social anxiety and anxiety in general and this is just making me feel horrible.
Our friendship is already so fragile that I'm scared one wrong move will mess everything up for good.
Any tips will be appreciated, thankyou :smile:

Reply 1

Zarek

I would message and try to set up time for coffee and a chat. When you catch up share how you’re feeling while keeping things calm and not dramatic. Tell then what you value about the friendship and what you’d like to improve. Seems like you might be able to get things how you’d like them to be

Reply 2

Dunnig Kruger

In response to her message where she apologises you could reply with something like:
"Buy me raspberry smoothie with a cherry on top and all will be forgiven."
Or
"Bake me that cheesecake that you make with fresh strawberries on top and all will be forgiven."
Or
"Introduce me to Mark (or some other person you'd like to be introduced to) and all will be forgotten and forgiven."

You should be doing all you reasonably can to work on the social and general anxiety.
You deserve a good quality of life and those 2 things are holding you back.

If everything between you and her does get messed up for good, so be it. Today's disaster is next year's amusing anecdote.

Reply 3

Jonah Ramone

Original post

by Dunnig Kruger

In response to her message where she apologises you could reply with something like:
"Buy me raspberry smoothie with a cherry on top and all will be forgiven."
Or
"Bake me that cheesecake that you make with fresh strawberries on top and all will be forgiven."
Or
"Introduce me to Mark (or some other person you'd like to be introduced to) and all will be forgotten and forgiven."
You should be doing all you reasonably can to work on the social and general anxiety.
You deserve a good quality of life and those 2 things are holding you back.
If everything between you and her does get messed up for good, so be it. Today's disaster is next year's amusing anecdote.

Wow. Do you have any idea what anxiety feels like? It's legitimately debilitating at times. Are you one of those people that thinks that saying "don't worry about it" when someone is worried magically removes all their worries? This seems to be an incredibly unhelpful and dismissive post.

@ OP - Perhaps you could say something like: Thank you for the message, I appreciate your apology. I feel this deserves further discussion which I would prefer not to do through text, let me know when you'd be free to meet.

Unfortunately it's not uncommon for people to have friendships like this and you feel undervalued because your friend prioritises the other group over you. I have been in that situation previously and chose to cut ties and find other people to spend my time with. However, if you do manage to speak with this friend, you may manage a better resolution. For your friend, it may be a matter that she is seeking acceptance from that other group and meanwhile sees your friendship (which you've mentioned stretches back a long time) as something that's already established and therefore less likely to suffer in that situation. It's definitely not an excuse but maybe her justification will clarify.

Reply 4

Winta:)

In my opinion I agree with Dunnig Kruger, keep it light-hearted and honestly I also have bad social anxiety, so my one advice to you is (it’s cliche but..) just be yourself. My social anxiety used to be way worse because I would be scared to say my thoughts or confused about what to say.
The key thing here is to be honest. If you want to chat with her, just say you’re confused why she’s messaging you this, can we meet up when you’re free? Something like that may also help you understand why she was acting distant in the first place, is it that she just doesn’t want to talk personally, her friends are toxic, or she doesn’t feel like she can voice her good opinions about you in front of her friends. If it’s the 1st or 3rd point, then respectfully she’s not worth your time. You’re so special and unique and there is no one like you in the world, if she’s not willing to see that and ignore you or feel ashamed of you, then she is not worth your time or effort and I’m sure more people would respect you better.
If the reason is because her friends are toxic or something else, if she remains in contact with them, then she’s kind of made her decision, But since she did go out of her way to contact you and apologise, she may have felt guilty for a while, you should see what she has to say and go from there. At the end of the day, it’s up to you 🙂 u got this

(edited 8 months ago)

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

Original post

by Jonah Ramone

Wow. Do you have any idea what anxiety feels like? It's legitimately debilitating at times. Are you one of those people that thinks that saying "don't worry about it" when someone is worried magically removes all their worries? This seems to be an incredibly unhelpful and dismissive post.
@ OP - Perhaps you could say something like: Thank you for the message, I appreciate your apology. I feel this deserves further discussion which I would prefer not to do through text, let me know when you'd be free to meet.
Unfortunately it's not uncommon for people to have friendships like this and you feel undervalued because your friend prioritises the other group over you. I have been in that situation previously and chose to cut ties and find other people to spend my time with. However, if you do manage to speak with this friend, you may manage a better resolution. For your friend, it may be a matter that she is seeking acceptance from that other group and meanwhile sees your friendship (which you've mentioned stretches back a long time) as something that's already established and therefore less likely to suffer in that situation. It's definitely not an excuse but maybe her justification will clarify.

Yes I know what anxiety feels like. I know what social anxiety feels like. I also know what the effects on quality of life anxiety has.

That's why I said to the original poster "You should be doing all you reasonably can to work on the social and general anxiety.You deserve a good quality of life and those 2 things are holding you back."

That's not being dismissive at all. That's giving the anxiety a very high priority in terms of the attention that should be given to it.

There are a few techniques that can be used to eliminate or reduce or mitigate anxiety.
Reframing is one of them.
Taking yourself and your life less seriously is another.
As is taking a zoomed out look at one's life and the issues causing anxiety.
As is facing down one's fears.
As is developing the self image that you face down your fears.
There's also changing one's diet to one where foods and drinks that promote good mental wellbeing are eaten to crowd out foods that promote poor mental states. Anti-inflammatory replacing pro-inflammatory.
There's a few others.

The NHS offers free training courses for people with anxiety. To which you can be referred by going to your GP. These courses include booklet hand-outs with good practical advice in them.

There's also the Dale Carnegie book How To Stop Worrying And Start Living, that's an entertaining read, packed with great advice.

And then there's youtube channels that focus on social skills (usually man to woman social skills) that contain great advice for overcoming social anxiety.
With one great piece advice being once you know what you should be doing for good social skills, you've got to go out there and practise practise practise.

Social anxiety and general anxiety are things that many people have overcome enough en route to having a great life.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Update:
I finally overcame my anxiety and messaged her back!
I didn't really want to, but there wasn't really any realistic time to meet up soon.
Usually I don't really say when someone hurts me, but this time I was honest about how her ignorance in front of her other friends makes me feel.
She suggested that perhaps we can try and spend more time together, and that we can talk about this more next time when we see each other.

Also thanks all for the advice! (especially all the anxiety stuff)
Maybe I'll update this again after i see her irl