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Am I overthinking this or do I make a valid point?

I’ll try to make this as least complicated as possible;

I’ve been dating a guy I met online for about 4 months now and things are going really well, it feels like it’s been a lot longer with how comfortable we are with each other and the things we have in common etc, but there’s still no real clarity as to what we are, he hasn’t asked for us to be “exclusive” or “official” and I know I could always be the one to ask that but as the girl, call me old fashioned, I kind of want him to be the one to ask.

Anyway, I live with my parents and he has his own house, I’ve been to his place many times, but never stayed over and it’s always my choice to leave, he always asks me to spend the night but I’ve told him maybe 2 times now that I would rather us be official before I do that because to me, and this might be hard to understand but hear me out, spending the night with someone and waking up in the morning with them, morning breath and bed head in full swing is much more intimate and vulnerable than it is just to have sex with them (and we have had sex). He understood my point of view but only out of respect I think, because he kind of pulled a face as if to say “so you won’t spend the night with me but you’ll have sex with me?”

I didn’t want to make it seem like I was putting pressure on him to ask me to be his girlfriend in saying that, I just wanted to tell him my point of view so it didn’t seem like I was bailing on him every time I go to his house if that makes sense, anyway he mustn’t feel like there is pressure because I’m still waiting for that question to be asked. (Yes I know I could always imitate that conversation but I have the fear I might be putting pressure on him and scare him off so I’m trying to be patient but also keep some “ground rules”? too)

So 2 days ago my sister asked if I could dog sit for her as she is going away for 4 nights and didn’t want to pay kennel fees, me and my sister are really close and do almost anything for each other so of course I said yes, and when I told the guy I’m dating he said oh I’ll stay with you too. I said no, he thought I was joking at first but I told him I wouldn’t feel right with that, first of all I reiterated the whole “we’re not official so I don’t really want to delve into that side of things unless we are” argument, and then I said he’d also not met my sister or any of my family for that matter, nor have I met his, so I just thought it wouldn’t be right for him to be making himself at home at my sisters house for the best part of a week having not even met her, I know if the tables were turned I wouldn’t ask the same nor would I expect him to invite me to stay in his family members home who were out of the country/on holiday for however long.

He went a little bit weird with me after I said this, it’s hard to explain but he just started being a little bit more dry with his messages and blunt, as if he was annoyed and I don’t want him thinking that I don’t want that kind of time with him but I just don’t want it while we’re still practically only dating. So me and him have just been off lately, I haven’t wanted to give into him but I’ve found myself thinking is this really that serious? I know if I asked my sister she would let him stay because like I said we’re really close and all but I just wouldn’t be comfortable with it, I’d feel as if it was a slight violation if that’s the right word to use? And to add, even if he did ask me tomorrow, he still wouldn’t have met my sister so I still just wouldn’t feel right him staying over, but of course, it would make me feel comfortable spending nights at his place then.

So I just want an outside perspective on whether I’m being a prude and deeping things too much or if I have a valid point that I’m right in sticking by.

(Just a quick side note, I’ve never had sex with someone I’ve not been in an official relationship with before, it’s something I’d always said I wouldn’t do, but because him and I grew really close really quickly it just felt natural, which is why I’m slightly annoyed we’ve not gotten to that point yet or had that conversation, but it’s also why Im sticking to this whole “I don’t want to spend the night together until…” because now it’s all I’ve got haha).

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

I get the impression that he doesn’t want to make this official. If he did, given all the hints you’ve been dropping, he would have done it by now. I’m not saying that he is in any way unhappy with you but he simply doesn’t want to commit which means he can leave you high and dry whenever he feels like it because, even if his actions speak otherwise, he has in his mind never promised anything. Much as you like this guy I think you are building up to a broken heart later on and I would walk away now before you get heart even more and whilst you still have a minimum of self respect. I am in NO way criticising what you have done and it not what I mean by self respect. I’d just like you to be able to walk away without giving him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s hurt you.

Reply 2

Stormgrad

2 things

First thing, you are totally right, he hasn't met your family he has no right casually inviting himself round to your sisters for a number of nights.

Second thing, you need to explicitly ask him what your relationship status is, are you exclusive, is he seeing other people, you don't sound like you are. Where is this relationship going, without that shared space dynamic you are going to be stuck at thisnodd dating point not moving forward.

Reply 3

StriderHort

Tell him what relationship you want & expect and stop making excuses to pass the responsibility to him.

'I keep pushing this guy away and now he's being a bit distant' - shocker.

Reply 4

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

This does seem to be a fair bit of overthinking for the sake of saying “I’ve been enjoying this, I think we should go exclusive, as we’ve never really said that explicitly”.

You are likely both dancing around it because you don’t want the conversation.

(As an aside, yes, I completely agree with your position on him staying at your sister’s.)

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

Your point is valid. However I think you may be missing the main point, as you didn't express it in your opening post.
The main point being the red flag from the way he responded to you saying he can't sleep with you at your sister's home.
4 months is too early for the honeymoon phase to wear off for a couple that have not been living together.
Him going a little bit weird and going dry in his messages to you indicates he's got a bit of a spoilt brat mentality.

During your dates how has acted when he's had disappointments or been put under stress? EG food served that was sub par, caught in an unexpected traffic jam, train delayed, someone hitting on you in his presence, the 2 of you disagreeing on something (apart from the stay-overs that you've already mentioned)?

I'm getting vibes that he's seeing you as a stopgap, till he can get someone that's even more of trophy girlfriend than you are.

This is one of those when your observation and empathy skills should be fully deployed. So that you, as far as you reasonably can get inside his head and his heart, and establish what's going on with him.
This is something you should do, even he had fully declared that you and him were official. Because people lie in order to get what they want.

From your point of view, it would fine if you were to dump him and go back to the dating app etc.
When you were on that app, were you bombarded with messages from men?

From what you've told us, you've been acting in a highly attractive way. It has been good "Game" for you to not start the "What are we?" conversation. And good Game to not make yourself available at his every request. And for you to go back home when it was best for you, instead of staying the night.

Reply 6

Zarek

It’s reasonable to expect to be exclusive if once you’re bonking. I do feel that if trust is there spending the night together can be part of the drift to relationship status. But if you don’t feel he’s on the same page then I would be hesitant and clear about what you want. Agree about your sisters house