How common is abuse in relationships?

I know many friends, cousins, aunt, and grandmother who have suffered abuse from their partners (physical, psychological, and sexual). I've never had a relationship with anyone and I'm a 22-year-old virgin.
How common are abusive relationships, especially towards women? I'm not saying all men are bad, far from it. It just strikes me as odd that it's happened to so many of my acquaintances.

Reply 1

Old Skool Freak

Original post

by Anonymous

Hey,

It's a good (and important) question... however, an exact number is probably something that's very difficult to quantify.

Due to the nature of this particular crime, it may well result in the actual number of cases being vastly under-reported, and the victim will often blame themselves. Therefore, whilst some types of abuse may be obvious to outsiders (e.g. physical bruising etc.). a lot of the others will be hidden to all except those who are very close to the victim and can pick up on the changes in their behaviour, mannerisms etc.

Instead, it's perhaps more beneficial to think of the type of person who may be vulnerable to being in an abusive relationship. I can't claim to be an expert on the matter, but off the top of my head, I think there are a few types of people who may be susceptible to this:-

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1) People Pleasers:- The type of person who it's important for them to be liked by everyone, so will go out of their way to be nice, agreeable etc. to others; even if it's at the expense of their own needs. Quite often, these types may have grown up in strict families, where corporal punishment was administered by disobedience.

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2) Serial "relationshpers": -The person who HAS to be in a relationship to feel valid. These people can't stand the idea of being alone, and crave to be in a relationship with just about anyone. In order to keep their partner happy, they will (reluctantly) put up with a lot. For them, a bad relationship is better than none at all.

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3) Trusters:- Those who are too trusting of people and this leads them open to manipulations, coercion etc.

Furthermore, things like different expectations / norms from various cultures (e.g. forced marriage*) may inadvertently make someone more vulnerable. However, in western culture, it often starts out with small comments like, "Are you really going out dressed like that?"... it's often backed up by the guy saying that he doesn't trust other men, but it can quite quickly escalate from there. It manifests itself by small escalations over time, until the victim is in so deep they literally can't see the woods for the trees. By the time they do see things, they are in way too deep.

IMHO, it would be difficult to spot some of the potential abuser types from the get-go, (I imagine they often present themselves as charming, charismatic etc.); however, there are a few things that may prevent yourself from becoming a victim, as well as spotting the early signs of a controlling relationship (I think the topic is covered in a "sticky" at the top of this forum). I think a self-confident person, who knows their worth and has good self-esteem, would be more likely to end / leave a relationship. In addition, it helps to know the difference between Passive, Assertive, and Aggressive people.

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Passive:- As described above, this person puts everyone's needs above their own, even if they suffer themselves. They seldom voice their feelings because "They don't feel worth it"

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Aggressive:- An aggressive person will do whatever it takes to get whatever they want. They are not afraid to use force and / or intimidation. They don't care if it upsets, displeases or otherwise inconveniences others

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Passive aggressive:- Similar to the aggressive, but they are more likely to be psychological, rather than physical in enforcing their dominance. This includes manipulative behaviour, sulking, sarcastic comments etc.

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Assertive:- This person realises that everyone (including themselves) has a right to feel good and have their needs / desires met. As such, they can be willing to be nice to others, as long as their own needs and well being are not compromised.

As I said, I'm no expert on the matter, and I'm just thinking about it logically. Perhaps it's better if someone who has first hand experience of this (e.g. police officer, a care worker, or even a "survivor") can give you a better, more accurate record... but hopefully this is a start.

Spoiler

(edited 10 months ago)

Reply 2

wasimi

it is very common, a growing trend and seemingly under-reported however, that should not stop you from having or seeking a healthy relationship just make sure you are aware of the common signs and exit as soon as possible if any of those signs come up. i have often seen women trying to 'fix' or 'repair' serial abusers and that has not ended well either, therefore please avoid saviour relationships and sob stories. being surrounded by people who have had this appalling experience, I see how it could make you feel ill at ease. hope that assists