To set boundaries with family or not?
It’s a confusing thing relationships with family members sometimes. I believe my grandparents (Dad’s side) are good people, they live far up North so I’d always see them a few times per year,
I’m 21 now and they are asking me to go up and visit in April, though it feels a bit like i’m being forced and I really don’t know where I stand here? I feel like as a young adult now I’m not obligated to go? My Grandma probably isn’t really an issue, just says it would be nice to see me, the Grandad is offering me dates to book for me (which of course is very kind of him, and they have helped me with money in the past, as a student etc which I of course appreciate) and I did SAY i would like to go up and visit, but i feel boundaries have been stepped onto by the Grandad, ex-business owner, has a somewhat bossy demeanour, very much still ‘the man’ or the party socialite type if you like, because he messaged me dates (18th-25th) in suggestion of booking me those, and when i responded that i needed more time to see if that would work, he said ‘is your diary really that busy?’ And ‘if you are on vacation (from uni classes), what demands do you have on your free time?’ So honestly i feel quite condescended, and i’m just not sure?? For context, a parent of mine lives up there as well so it’s sort of been a thing i’ve always done to stay up there for a week or so, and I DID somewhat want to go (i’m a very indecisive person) though i kind of feel now i’m being bossed into it and i’m not sure if i’m just overthinking it? As a 21 year old now it’s not the same as when i was younger, i’ve felt that since i was about 17/16, but i still did want to go, now that i feel im being overstepped do i have a right to be put off going at all?
I just need some outside opinion on this as I don’t really know where i stand in the situation
I’m 21 now and they are asking me to go up and visit in April, though it feels a bit like i’m being forced and I really don’t know where I stand here? I feel like as a young adult now I’m not obligated to go? My Grandma probably isn’t really an issue, just says it would be nice to see me, the Grandad is offering me dates to book for me (which of course is very kind of him, and they have helped me with money in the past, as a student etc which I of course appreciate) and I did SAY i would like to go up and visit, but i feel boundaries have been stepped onto by the Grandad, ex-business owner, has a somewhat bossy demeanour, very much still ‘the man’ or the party socialite type if you like, because he messaged me dates (18th-25th) in suggestion of booking me those, and when i responded that i needed more time to see if that would work, he said ‘is your diary really that busy?’ And ‘if you are on vacation (from uni classes), what demands do you have on your free time?’ So honestly i feel quite condescended, and i’m just not sure?? For context, a parent of mine lives up there as well so it’s sort of been a thing i’ve always done to stay up there for a week or so, and I DID somewhat want to go (i’m a very indecisive person) though i kind of feel now i’m being bossed into it and i’m not sure if i’m just overthinking it? As a 21 year old now it’s not the same as when i was younger, i’ve felt that since i was about 17/16, but i still did want to go, now that i feel im being overstepped do i have a right to be put off going at all?
I just need some outside opinion on this as I don’t really know where i stand in the situation
Reply 1
Original post by unsweetenedblue
It’s a confusing thing relationships with family members sometimes. I believe my grandparents (Dad’s side) are good people, they live far up North so I’d always see them a few times per year,
I’m 21 now and they are asking me to go up and visit in April, though it feels a bit like i’m being forced and I really don’t know where I stand here? I feel like as a young adult now I’m not obligated to go? My Grandma probably isn’t really an issue, just says it would be nice to see me, the Grandad is offering me dates to book for me (which of course is very kind of him, and they have helped me with money in the past, as a student etc which I of course appreciate) and I did SAY i would like to go up and visit, but i feel boundaries have been stepped onto by the Grandad, ex-business owner, has a somewhat bossy demeanour, very much still ‘the man’ or the party socialite type if you like, because he messaged me dates (18th-25th) in suggestion of booking me those, and when i responded that i needed more time to see if that would work, he said ‘is your diary really that busy?’ And ‘if you are on vacation (from uni classes), what demands do you have on your free time?’ So honestly i feel quite condescended, and i’m just not sure?? For context, a parent of mine lives up there as well so it’s sort of been a thing i’ve always done to stay up there for a week or so, and I DID somewhat want to go (i’m a very indecisive person) though i kind of feel now i’m being bossed into it and i’m not sure if i’m just overthinking it? As a 21 year old now it’s not the same as when i was younger, i’ve felt that since i was about 17/16, but i still did want to go, now that i feel im being overstepped do i have a right to be put off going at all?
I just need some outside opinion on this as I don’t really know where i stand in the situation
I’m 21 now and they are asking me to go up and visit in April, though it feels a bit like i’m being forced and I really don’t know where I stand here? I feel like as a young adult now I’m not obligated to go? My Grandma probably isn’t really an issue, just says it would be nice to see me, the Grandad is offering me dates to book for me (which of course is very kind of him, and they have helped me with money in the past, as a student etc which I of course appreciate) and I did SAY i would like to go up and visit, but i feel boundaries have been stepped onto by the Grandad, ex-business owner, has a somewhat bossy demeanour, very much still ‘the man’ or the party socialite type if you like, because he messaged me dates (18th-25th) in suggestion of booking me those, and when i responded that i needed more time to see if that would work, he said ‘is your diary really that busy?’ And ‘if you are on vacation (from uni classes), what demands do you have on your free time?’ So honestly i feel quite condescended, and i’m just not sure?? For context, a parent of mine lives up there as well so it’s sort of been a thing i’ve always done to stay up there for a week or so, and I DID somewhat want to go (i’m a very indecisive person) though i kind of feel now i’m being bossed into it and i’m not sure if i’m just overthinking it? As a 21 year old now it’s not the same as when i was younger, i’ve felt that since i was about 17/16, but i still did want to go, now that i feel im being overstepped do i have a right to be put off going at all?
I just need some outside opinion on this as I don’t really know where i stand in the situation
I must add both grandparents have busy, lives, they aren’t lonely, anything like that, they have lots of social events, friends, you get the idea, in fact as a more introverted person i in fact have in the past felt a bit laughed at by them sometimes, and i stress - sometimes, though i do have good memories of visiting, when i was younger they’d set loads of activities for my visits, found me a friend up there, etc.
this is totally natural but I think you need to decide about the trip and how you feel about your grandparents separately. if you can’t go but want to make up for it in another way that’s cool, if you let it go and just go that’s fine, and if you don’t go and this is the beginning of you distancing yourself that’s cool too
the way you described them reminds me of my uncles (mom’s side)- none of them had children so they always had wild expectations of me and my sister when they came to visit and vice versa. now as an adult we don’t speak to them because said personalities got to be too much but everyone is different. your grandparents won’t be around forever but if going would make you miserable or uncomfortable, it’s worth listening to yourself and taking a step back to decide what do YOU want this to look like from here on out. and regardless of whether they agree or disagree, you’ll respect yourself for going or not going for your own reasons
the way you described them reminds me of my uncles (mom’s side)- none of them had children so they always had wild expectations of me and my sister when they came to visit and vice versa. now as an adult we don’t speak to them because said personalities got to be too much but everyone is different. your grandparents won’t be around forever but if going would make you miserable or uncomfortable, it’s worth listening to yourself and taking a step back to decide what do YOU want this to look like from here on out. and regardless of whether they agree or disagree, you’ll respect yourself for going or not going for your own reasons
Do you love them?
If so, visit them. Forget anything else, and just make time for them. They won't be around forever.
If so, visit them. Forget anything else, and just make time for them. They won't be around forever.
Original post by PinkMobilePhone
Do you love them?
If so, visit them. Forget anything else, and just make time for them. They won't be around forever.
If so, visit them. Forget anything else, and just make time for them. They won't be around forever.
What pink said really, sounds like your only not interested because you're not 100% in control. If you aren't paying for it tho do you think you deserve 100% control giving a lil control and flexibility in order for it to be free seems more than fair.
Go see them, make the most of their love and support and generosity while they are here to share it with you. Your grandparents and even your parents will be gone sooner than you'd like
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