Loneliness and Hope (An ongoing experience) - Long post/read
I thought I might post rather than keep bottling up as I'm probably won't be the only one experiencing these thoughts and feelings.
So I hope if anything I've written resonates with anyone - please know that you're not alone in feeling this. And I sincerely hope that this helps you feel less isolated.
I know with loneliness sometimes... it can feel like its our fault or we can be made to feel that way.
I think unfortunately that is just part of being in our lifetime...but by talking about it helps ease the weight of loneliness.
So I hope this post makes you feel seen and maybe even heard.
Being in out the house in a volunteer role has helped massively, if anyone was wandering - just remember to take your time. Your pace is just fine.
Now onwards to the post(my ongoing journey with loneliness) :
I've found myself slowly stopping talking to people from school over the past 4 years and now speak to no one from there.
My (former) friendship group - I wish those girls nothing but the best, but I don't feel like we've properly been friends for a while. It just feels like a prolonged relationship rather than one with depth.
I've kind of stopped talking to them all together - not putting anything in the gc - pretty sure they have a separate one, which honestly is more than fair enough.
My family - we moved cities so I think that's a contributing factor but it felt so lonely watching them post in the gc hanging out (sometimes saying they wish I was there) and sometimes watching them go with their families on holidays.
I feel this horrible resentment that they are able to go on holiday as my family hasn't gone on holiday in almost a decade.
I don't say anything as that's not their fault and they should be enjoying themselves but at the same time it hurts. I'm jealous. I want my family to have all those things as well, but it's just not possible.
I don't think it helps that I'm not on social media. It gives me enormous anxiety- I tried to avoid snap, insta and tt as much as I can, but I think sometimes that builds on the loneliness even though I know it's better for my mental health to disengage - especially given the current climate we're currently living through.
I'm planning on going to uni this September and understand that I'll probably be doing just fine once i get there - but it for now, the loneliness it comes in waves.
I've been doing some stuff outside the house, but meeting people feels like it costs so much - especially after covid. Reaching out to people feels difficult, especially after school friends initially reach out. But i was in a space where I found it very difficult to reciprocate anything. Now feels like that time has long passed and no one has really reached out since which is more than fair enough as I'm the one who gave the cold shoulder.
As much as my family reassures me that I should just go out and do what I want , I know that we're struggling.
It's not as bad as it could be, but it just hurts watching my dad struggle in different ways (all the while with a reassuring smile on his face). He's turning 70 next year, and it gives me so many mixed emotions.
He's lived a life that he's proud of, and that fills me with joy. It still scares me. He's in good health, but everything in me wants to be prepared.
I come from a single parent household, and essentially, it's just us - dad and us 4 children (I'm the youngest). The loneliness feels bigger, especially when in our culture you're supposed to be really close to external family but its better to be around family who actually care and respect you rather than for the sake of it.
In many ways with now only surrounded by a handful of people (mainly family and family friends) who only have my best interests at heart and nothing more, it's given the ability to appreciate those around me. But yes from time to time I do get lonely and that is okay. This is life. We are trying to do our best with the cards we were dealt.
I know this is a long read and probably very incoherent, so I really appreciate it if you got this far. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
I hope that this post brings some peace of mind to anyone who might be feeling isolated that you're not alone and that it's not your fault. We live in systems that feed off of hyper individualism and make it hard to build community.
I feel that though painful and exhausting, this time will still always hold meaning. A meaning that we can assign and no one can take away from us.
^^I apologise if that came off as preachy, but i thought it would be good to end on a positive note^^
Thank you for reading.
So I hope if anything I've written resonates with anyone - please know that you're not alone in feeling this. And I sincerely hope that this helps you feel less isolated.
I know with loneliness sometimes... it can feel like its our fault or we can be made to feel that way.
I think unfortunately that is just part of being in our lifetime...but by talking about it helps ease the weight of loneliness.
So I hope this post makes you feel seen and maybe even heard.
Being in out the house in a volunteer role has helped massively, if anyone was wandering - just remember to take your time. Your pace is just fine.
Now onwards to the post(my ongoing journey with loneliness) :
I've found myself slowly stopping talking to people from school over the past 4 years and now speak to no one from there.
My (former) friendship group - I wish those girls nothing but the best, but I don't feel like we've properly been friends for a while. It just feels like a prolonged relationship rather than one with depth.
I've kind of stopped talking to them all together - not putting anything in the gc - pretty sure they have a separate one, which honestly is more than fair enough.
My family - we moved cities so I think that's a contributing factor but it felt so lonely watching them post in the gc hanging out (sometimes saying they wish I was there) and sometimes watching them go with their families on holidays.
I feel this horrible resentment that they are able to go on holiday as my family hasn't gone on holiday in almost a decade.
I don't say anything as that's not their fault and they should be enjoying themselves but at the same time it hurts. I'm jealous. I want my family to have all those things as well, but it's just not possible.
I don't think it helps that I'm not on social media. It gives me enormous anxiety- I tried to avoid snap, insta and tt as much as I can, but I think sometimes that builds on the loneliness even though I know it's better for my mental health to disengage - especially given the current climate we're currently living through.
I'm planning on going to uni this September and understand that I'll probably be doing just fine once i get there - but it for now, the loneliness it comes in waves.
I've been doing some stuff outside the house, but meeting people feels like it costs so much - especially after covid. Reaching out to people feels difficult, especially after school friends initially reach out. But i was in a space where I found it very difficult to reciprocate anything. Now feels like that time has long passed and no one has really reached out since which is more than fair enough as I'm the one who gave the cold shoulder.
As much as my family reassures me that I should just go out and do what I want , I know that we're struggling.
It's not as bad as it could be, but it just hurts watching my dad struggle in different ways (all the while with a reassuring smile on his face). He's turning 70 next year, and it gives me so many mixed emotions.
He's lived a life that he's proud of, and that fills me with joy. It still scares me. He's in good health, but everything in me wants to be prepared.
I come from a single parent household, and essentially, it's just us - dad and us 4 children (I'm the youngest). The loneliness feels bigger, especially when in our culture you're supposed to be really close to external family but its better to be around family who actually care and respect you rather than for the sake of it.
In many ways with now only surrounded by a handful of people (mainly family and family friends) who only have my best interests at heart and nothing more, it's given the ability to appreciate those around me. But yes from time to time I do get lonely and that is okay. This is life. We are trying to do our best with the cards we were dealt.
I know this is a long read and probably very incoherent, so I really appreciate it if you got this far. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
I hope that this post brings some peace of mind to anyone who might be feeling isolated that you're not alone and that it's not your fault. We live in systems that feed off of hyper individualism and make it hard to build community.
I feel that though painful and exhausting, this time will still always hold meaning. A meaning that we can assign and no one can take away from us.
^^I apologise if that came off as preachy, but i thought it would be good to end on a positive note^^
Thank you for reading.
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