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pls help

OK bit of a long story, so When I moved to my secondary school during year 10 I became really close with this girl lets call her j and we would walk home together (I grew up in the California btw) basically even after I moved sixth form me and my other friends kinda grew apart and stopped hanging out but me and j became really close and I was friends with her for a good solid 3 years. There is so much drama I forgot what I acc said. But They both kinda went off at me I was so confused ngl.

Next day j starts snapping me like nothing happened. And I ignored her, for a whole week. I find things like this very uncomfortable so it kinda added some unresolved tension to our friendship. She got even more mad and started spamming me. I tend to over apologize in these situations which makes it even worse because it feeds into their victim complex. We basically stopped texting after that and I was busy with my mocks and then summer she randomly texts me like nothing happened and asks me if im free to hang out. Im confused cause idk if she acc misses me or she had no other close friends, fast forward a couple of weeks she's always talking about some random snapchat guys like we're 13, she cannot live without male validation which I find very annoying.

And I ended up muting her on everything only to find out that she had texted me a couple of weeks ago and I ignored her so she removed me on group chats and basically everything. I really miss our friendship and she was honestly a good friend and very nice but had some bad qualities. No one is perfect. What I dont like is how judgemental and rude she can be and how over defensive she gets when I confront her. Should I add her back on insta and explain me 'ignoring' her messages or should I leave it.

Im taking a gap year most of my friends are going to uni and although I love my sixth form friends they have their own friend groups outside school and I really really miss my friendship with j cause she was funny and nice most of the time ngl Ive seen her socials cause my friend has showed it and she has a new bestie and they're really close.

I dont want to be too close or even best friends but I just want our friendship back

PLEASE GIVE ME ANY ADVICE OR ANYTHING.
(edited 7 months ago)

Reply 1

Sounds like a lot of typical teenage drama if I'm perfectly honest. Friendships naturally ebb and flow, and you will lose and gain them over time. You will also have friends that you lost touch with and then start speaking to again or see again, and everything clicks back into place. It is your choice as to which friendships you put effort into and which ones you do not (you can't be everything to everyone), but your choices in that regard do make a difference. If you treat people badly or look like you're rejecting them, you can't expect them act like nothing has happened when you come back to them. In this situation, I'm really not surprised that she removed you from chats etc, because you very much made the first move in that regard. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from someone, but your reactions here do seem to be somewhat extreme. Friendships don't have to be all or nothing, but you seems that you just go all in on cutting someone off as soon as something happens that you don't like. As I say, very much a teenage drama situation.

The answer to your question is straightforward though. If you want to try to rekindle this friendship with her, then contact her and explain. You have nothing to lose from doing that. Just don't go in with expectations as to how she is going to respond. She might miss your friendship too, or she might not be interested. You won't know until you ask.

Reply 2

Original post
by Crazy Jamie
Sounds like a lot of typical teenage drama if I'm perfectly honest. Friendships naturally ebb and flow, and you will lose and gain them over time. You will also have friends that you lost touch with and then start speaking to again or see again, and everything clicks back into place. It is your choice as to which friendships you put effort into and which ones you do not (you can't be everything to everyone), but your choices in that regard do make a difference. If you treat people badly or look like you're rejecting them, you can't expect them act like nothing has happened when you come back to them. In this situation, I'm really not surprised that she removed you from chats etc, because you very much made the first move in that regard. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from someone, but your reactions here do seem to be somewhat extreme. Friendships don't have to be all or nothing, but you seems that you just go all in on cutting someone off as soon as something happens that you don't like. As I say, very much a teenage drama situation.
The answer to your question is straightforward though. If you want to try to rekindle this friendship with her, then contact her and explain. You have nothing to lose from doing that. Just don't go in with expectations as to how she is going to respond. She might miss your friendship too, or she might not be interested. You won't know until you ask.

yeah I agree but when I ignored her it wasn't just to do with that single situation. There have been so many times where she has said something condescending or judgmental and I'm completely the opposite Im hyper aware of everything I say cause I don't like hurting anyone but im also the type of person to not confront or even communicate cause I just feel really akward doing that cause then theres this weird tension. So I think it's because it built up over years that one situation was my last straw. She's said some things about one of my close friends at sixth form which I did not appreciate and like again I never said anything about it. Tbh I acc might try but if she ignores me it's probably for the better.

Reply 3

Original post
by ydm
yeah I agree but when I ignored her it wasn't just to do with that single situation. There have been so many times where she has said something condescending or judgmental and I'm completely the opposite Im hyper aware of everything I say cause I don't like hurting anyone but im also the type of person to not confront or even communicate cause I just feel really akward doing that cause then theres this weird tension. So I think it's because it built up over years that one situation was my last straw. She's said some things about one of my close friends at sixth form which I did not appreciate and like again I never said anything about it. Tbh I acc might try but if she ignores me it's probably for the better.

All of that is perfectly fine. I'm not questioning your reasons. You can and should make the decisions that are right for you. But those decisions do have consequences. If you ignore or block people, it should not surprise you when they are not receptive to you contacting them again, or respond in kind. Going forwards you might want to not react so strongly, even if it's a culmination of things, unless you're sure that you don't want to have contact with that person again. You seem to swing wildly in one direction or the other with this friendship, and I expect other things as well. That's not a problem. You are young and are only just learning what makes good friends and what makes good friendships, to include both how you should behave in friendships and what you need from others. This is not stuff that you need to have figured out now. You just do your best and learn as you go. As I say, I don't think you have anything to lose here, and it shows a certain maturity to contact someone to rekindle a friendship whilst apologising for and/or explaining previous actions. But all of this is down to you. There is no right or wrong answer to it.

Reply 4

I say go for it and add her back, I hate it when we lose long-term friends over silly, stupid things like this drama. Get her back man! I am sure it will work out.

Reply 5

Original post
by Crazy Jamie
All of that is perfectly fine. I'm not questioning your reasons. You can and should make the decisions that are right for you. But those decisions do have consequences. If you ignore or block people, it should not surprise you when they are not receptive to you contacting them again, or respond in kind. Going forwards you might want to not react so strongly, even if it's a culmination of things, unless you're sure that you don't want to have contact with that person again. You seem to swing wildly in one direction or the other with this friendship, and I expect other things as well. That's not a problem. You are young and are only just learning what makes good friends and what makes good friendships, to include both how you should behave in friendships and what you need from others. This is not stuff that you need to have figured out now. You just do your best and learn as you go. As I say, I don't think you have anything to lose here, and it shows a certain maturity to contact someone to rekindle a friendship whilst apologising for and/or explaining previous actions. But all of this is down to you. There is no right or wrong answer to it.

mhm If I look back without any bias I feel like you're right . I do react really extremely with pretty much everything including friendships and maybe I'm not holding myself accountable for things I should be. Looking back I should have probably communicated instead of ignoring her completely. Started taking bpd meds, so should help better regulate my mood swings !!

Reply 6

Original post
by Anonymous
I say go for it and add her back, I hate it when we lose long-term friends over silly, stupid things like this drama. Get her back man! I am sure it will work out.

yesss!! I will in a week or two I don't want years of friendship to go down the drain and regret it later when it's too late.

Reply 7

Original post
by ydm
yesss!! I will in a week or two I don't want years of friendship to go down the drain and regret it later when it's too late.

Exactly!

Reply 8

Original post
by Anonymous
Exactly!

I just sent the message im so nervous icl hahah

Reply 9

Original post
by ydm
I just sent the message im so nervous icl hahah

Great! Man, I am proud of you for doing it! I really hope it works out for you. Tomorrow I am asking the girl I really like to talk about becoming more than friends, wish me luck 😭😭😭

Reply 10

Original post
by Anonymous
Great! Man, I am proud of you for doing it! I really hope it works out for you. Tomorrow I am asking the girl I really like to talk about becoming more than friends, wish me luck 😭😭😭

we're friends again ! we talked it out. I wish you good luck for tomorrow! don't be too disheartened regardless of what happens :smile: hope everything goes well!!

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