Loneliness and social anxiety

Hi basically I’m in my first year of uni. I haven’t managed to stay friends with any of my friends from school, and I wouldn’t say I regret that as I don’t think any of them added much value to my life. There’s maybe one person I miss but ppl change and move on…and there’s another girl who I’m still sort of friends w but it feels like I’m just clinging on to her. At uni ppl have been really kind but generally I sort of avoid ppl cos of social anxiety, I just don’t rlly know how to be around ppl I’m not natural at connecting w them, I find it difficult to make friends tho I rly want company. I think I give off the vibe that I don’t want to talk to ppl but I don’t mean to. And I feel so lonely…like I want friends or a friend, just someone or a group even of ppl who I feel comfortable with and can connect with but I just don’t know how to go about finding my people. I don’t put myself out there which is my fault…idk where to start though. I went to a couple of events at the start of the year and have talked to ppl and become friendly with them but idk how to make proper friends who I start hanging out with and can be close to. I have maybe one uni friend and though I’m with her a lot she is quite distant emotionally so her company doesn’t make me feel less lonely. I just want some advice generally, and advice on what I can do om my part to find genuine friendships and just stop feeling so isolated, as it honestly feels like my fault and is pretty depressing.

Reply 1

Jay_Shippers

4

Original post by Anonymous

Hi basically I’m in my first year of uni. I haven’t managed to stay friends with any of my friends from school, and I wouldn’t say I regret that as I don’t think any of them added much value to my life. There’s maybe one person I miss but ppl change and move on…and there’s another girl who I’m still sort of friends w but it feels like I’m just clinging on to her. At uni ppl have been really kind but generally I sort of avoid ppl cos of social anxiety, I just don’t rlly know how to be around ppl I’m not natural at connecting w them, I find it difficult to make friends tho I rly want company. I think I give off the vibe that I don’t want to talk to ppl but I don’t mean to. And I feel so lonely…like I want friends or a friend, just someone or a group even of ppl who I feel comfortable with and can connect with but I just don’t know how to go about finding my people. I don’t put myself out there which is my fault…idk where to start though. I went to a couple of events at the start of the year and have talked to ppl and become friendly with them but idk how to make proper friends who I start hanging out with and can be close to. I have maybe one uni friend and though I’m with her a lot she is quite distant emotionally so her company doesn’t make me feel less lonely. I just want some advice generally, and advice on what I can do om my part to find genuine friendships and just stop feeling so isolated, as it honestly feels like my fault and is pretty depressing.

Hi.

When I first went to uni I moved across the country so I had to start over to know people. The best thing you can try at the uni is to reach out to the societies and clubs that are in areas you like or have interest in and give them a try.

I'd also maybe have a look at your university and see if they have any student welfare you can use as feeling isolated and alone can really hit your mental health.

Good luck, I'm routing for you.

Reply 2

Analyst89

20

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/social-anxiety/

Reply 3

Username123ab

14

I'll let everyone run the repetitive advice of "join societies, ask someone to get coffee with you, get out of your comfort zone", and the rest of the overused *****y advice into the ground. I was in a similar situation to you in first year, for some people it changes so I'm not saying you should give up hope, but for me it didn't. And the thing is, it's remarkable what you can adapt to and what can just become mundane and routine.

I've made one sort of close friend this year, so even for me, things have changed a little, but that friendship won't last beyond the year abroad so next year I will be in the boat of having absolutely no friends again. In first year I cried myself to sleep for the first few months after realising I wasn't gonna make friends at uni, yet now it's just whatever. I'm not actively miserable most of the time, I'm just neutral about it and I go on with my day. I have no feelings towards my loneliness, it's just how things are.

So while everyone else will give the repetitive advice of people who've never been in that situation, my advice is that sometimes you don't have to do anything, you just have to live with something long enough that it becomes mundane and no longer takes up space or feelings in your mind. I'm not telling you to give up, you definitely shouldn't, just that if making friends never happens, you'll get used to it and almost stop caring after a while

Reply 4

phillip_a9000

10

Original post by Anonymous

Hi basically I’m in my first year of uni. I haven’t managed to stay friends with any of my friends from school, and I wouldn’t say I regret that as I don’t think any of them added much value to my life. There’s maybe one person I miss but ppl change and move on…and there’s another girl who I’m still sort of friends w but it feels like I’m just clinging on to her. At uni ppl have been really kind but generally I sort of avoid ppl cos of social anxiety, I just don’t rlly know how to be around ppl I’m not natural at connecting w them, I find it difficult to make friends tho I rly want company. I think I give off the vibe that I don’t want to talk to ppl but I don’t mean to. And I feel so lonely…like I want friends or a friend, just someone or a group even of ppl who I feel comfortable with and can connect with but I just don’t know how to go about finding my people. I don’t put myself out there which is my fault…idk where to start though. I went to a couple of events at the start of the year and have talked to ppl and become friendly with them but idk how to make proper friends who I start hanging out with and can be close to. I have maybe one uni friend and though I’m with her a lot she is quite distant emotionally so her company doesn’t make me feel less lonely. I just want some advice generally, and advice on what I can do om my part to find genuine friendships and just stop feeling so isolated, as it honestly feels like my fault and is pretty depressing.

Hi, I'm sorry you're experiencing this as loneliness is an awful feeling nobody deserves. Moving to uni is a difficult change, but you're definitely not alone in this experience. I don't think it's your fault for not finding your people yet. Sometimes it does take time and that's fine. Everyone's different. Personally I didn't find the right group for me until my second year and I felt a lot of what you're describing in my first year. Uni doesn't make it easy to make friends - a lot of people come into lectures then go home straight after, and unlike school there isn't a common room at lunch and break where people are forced to be together. Don't blame yourself.

Moving forward, you mentioned that you think you give off a certain vibe. It's entirely possible you might not, but if you did, would you know what's causing that vibe? Sometimes body language for instance can be quite powerful. Is there anything you can do to change that vibe?

I would also like to say I think you should ignore the above 'advice' as I don't believe it's healthy or correct. While becoming desensitised to your own feelings and social needs is a coping mechanism, it won't make you happy and it won't work all the time. I will give the advice to join a society, because I firmly believe that was the only thing which got me through my first year. It's repeated because it works. You don't see people repeating just accept it. Choose maybe just one society that you are most interested in then go along to some of their taster events when there'll be many other new people who don't know anyone, or go along to their events regularly. The more you turn up, the more you'll recognise other people and they'll recognise you. It takes time, you'll make friends with people in that society especially as you have a shared interest, you can just talk about that if you wanted to.

Some unis also have a buddy scheme if you wanted to turn to that. Worth looking into if you think it would benefit you.

I wish you luck and do reach out to someone trusted if you find yourself beginning to feel worse.

Reply 5

PAPYRUS HOPELINE

Official Rep

10

Original post by Anonymous

Hi basically I’m in my first year of uni. I haven’t managed to stay friends with any of my friends from school, and I wouldn’t say I regret that as I don’t think any of them added much value to my life. There’s maybe one person I miss but ppl change and move on…and there’s another girl who I’m still sort of friends w but it feels like I’m just clinging on to her. At uni ppl have been really kind but generally I sort of avoid ppl cos of social anxiety, I just don’t rlly know how to be around ppl I’m not natural at connecting w them, I find it difficult to make friends tho I rly want company. I think I give off the vibe that I don’t want to talk to ppl but I don’t mean to. And I feel so lonely…like I want friends or a friend, just someone or a group even of ppl who I feel comfortable with and can connect with but I just don’t know how to go about finding my people. I don’t put myself out there which is my fault…idk where to start though. I went to a couple of events at the start of the year and have talked to ppl and become friendly with them but idk how to make proper friends who I start hanging out with and can be close to. I have maybe one uni friend and though I’m with her a lot she is quite distant emotionally so her company doesn’t make me feel less lonely. I just want some advice generally, and advice on what I can do om my part to find genuine friendships and just stop feeling so isolated, as it honestly feels like my fault and is pretty depressing.

Hi there, well done for bravely reaching out for advice about the loneliness you are feeling at Uni. It feels like you are finding it hard to make connections with your kind of people at Uni. Maybe joining some groups or societies where you share common interests would be useful as a start, it may be where you find your kind of people?

Loneliness and social anxiety

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