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Gcse english experts!!

Can someone please read my narrative essay and please mark it according to the AQA GCSE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PAPER 1 Q5 mark scheme - can you also state what I need to improve in this essay to maximise my marks.
The question was: Write a story about a shocking day (I made the question up)

monday 17th july 2012. that was the day.

I remember the day so vividly - the sour blistering taste in my mouth as if i had just bitten into a sour lemon as well as the wild vines encapsulating my neck, as i stepped into the humongous hall. A plethora of walls surrounded me as I entered, staring around in disbelief. Frantically, I asked the teacher: “Is my name present?” as my skeletal muscles contracted rapidly. The lady nodded assuringly and hands me the paper that determines my next footsteps - having a charismatic facial expression while staring into my hesitant pupils.
relief washed over me - a quiet euphoric wave.

It was time.
The envelope rattled as my shaking fingers tried with all their potential to open it, almost as if i had lost my sense of movement. Relentlessly, the air cantankerously caused the paper to frantically fly away - Could this be real?

The wind came turbulently pouring out its anger to the atmosphere , as I stood there, helplessly.

The blistering sense of anxiety strangled my neck - I did not know what to do; it was almost as if my whole world stood still.

My eyes flutter twice as I feel an ocean developing in my eyes. Nothing could be seen.

“Is everything alright?” - a person asks concerningly

I could not reply. It was almost as if a huge rope was mercilessly tied around my neck.

I look downwards on their hand and I see a welcoming sheet of paper - all of a sudden the ropes on my neck have been unreeled and I feel somewhat relieved.
Looking at the paper, my eyes crinkled . All of those detrimental years helplessly asking myself: when will it be over? , will all of this work worth it?

All of those questions were answered in that single moment.

Reply 1

hp49

As somebody who got 1 mark off a 9 in my mocks, I would give it at most 20/40.

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Firstly, the punctuation is PERFECT. colons, semi-colons, dashes. nothing could be better in terms of punctuation

However...

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the vocabulary doesn't really make sense. As I read it, I get the impression that you are using high level vocabulary simply for the sake of ticking that box, you aren't using it to further your story and as a result, it sounds contrived. this can be seen in phrases like "the plethora of walls" "the skeletal muscles" "the charismatic facial expression" "the cantankerous air" "all those detrimental years" etc.

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DO NOT USE VOCABULARY IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. many of your phrases simply make no sense.

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you can't use lots of low end vocabulary and all of a sudden use one super-high-end piece of vocabulary. it just makes it seem out of the ordinary. instead, you need to interweave it with other pieces of middle-end vocabulary.

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don't use numbers in the date. always write out numbers in words.

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use your paragraphs to more effect. you have 1 large paragraph and 14 small ones. make it a meatier overall piece by having 6 large paragraphs and only 1 single sentence paragraph. (by large paragraph I mean around 9-10 lines)

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far too short. in the past papers there are 6 pages available for you to write on. ideally you should be filling at least 3.5 of these. I would be surprised if this piece can even fill 1.5 full pages

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use a full circle narrative. make the end of the story have some link to the start. for example, if you begin your story looking at the sunrise, end it by looking at the sunset.