Could anyone mark my English Language question 5 please??

first of all. VERY GOOD. amazing structure and storyline. potential to be a high grade 9 here if it were not for a few small tweaks.


the rest o your story is amazing though. easily one of the best storylines I have seen in a GCSE paper and executed extremely well. you may do well simply to memorise this and try to shoehorn it into whichever prompt turns up.
Good luck!

English Language is basically the only subject I can't mark myself, and it's obviously easter break so I can't ask my english teacher, so if anyone wouldn't mind, all help is appreciated, I really need to get my English Language grade up!! It's the question five from aqa June 2017 paper 1.
My head bumps the window for what feels like the millionth time in the past five minutes, I can feel a bruise forming already. The person to my left chewing insatiably on their gum, I can hear every noise they make. The fluorescent lights above me are a migraine waiting to happen. The grotesque stench of the person to my right is smothering my senses like a fly in a flytrap. I'm unsure as to whether the journey on this violent death machine is as irritable as I think it is or if the monotony of my new life is finally starting to aggravate me as everyone said it would. The man in front of me stares me down like a cartoon dog licking his lips at a piece of meat, giving me a smile (that is more like a grimace) which I'm sure he thinks is charming, but in makes me want to shred my skin. I ignore his... charming advance and put my headphones on, before I forcefully make the person to my left spit out their gum. I'm seriously contemplating walking the next 6 miles back home as a song comes on, one I have not heard in a while. I don't even know how it got on there; I don't remember adding it, but it pulls me back into a memory.
Sun kissing my skin. Breeze gently caressing my hair. Grass engulfing my body like a lover's embrace. The warm sound of laughter skipping through the air. The flavoursome taste of strawberries tantalising my tastebuds. This is peace. This is tranquility. This is perfect. No gnawing societal pressure stabbing at my head, forcing me to fit into the mould of being 'perfect' - if there is such a thing. No grey faced, pencil pushing, materialistic boss patronising me as if I haven't been doing this job for five years, nae as if I haven't been doing his job for five years. No screeching, squeaking, balling, wailing, squealing, crying children demanding I feed them or pay for them or answer their 'But why?' questions for what feels like the trillionth time they've asked. Just. Peace.
The voluminous trees above me swaying and dancing, as free as I am. The mesmerising birds around me, various shades of blues and purples and greens; each as stunningly beautiful as the last, singing their songs with no one to tell them to be quiet. The clouds stare down at me with their invitingly warm, white, gaze making me wish I too could spend the day flying. Then the song changes again on the radio. A charming melodic tune fills my ears and i start humming as if I've heard it a million times before. Washing my body with a new-found comfort.
My head bangs again on the window, making my headphones fall off. The person to my left still chewing their gum with such vigour you'd think a divine entity will curse them if they stop. The fluorescent lights still bearing down at me as if trying to see how far their beams can pierce through my brain before i give up and leave. The person to my right's stench has become increasingly rotten - how that's possible I have no idea as he smelt positively rancid before - and his hair less so like a pan of grease and more so like a bucket. As I reach down to collect my headphones, a hand meets me half-way. I look up to thank the person and as I do I'm met with the same hungry grimace of the man that was in front of me, except this time his eyes don't meet mine; but travel lower. This is why I don't take the bus.

would anybody be able to mark mine. My target grade is a 4 but iv been achieving a 5.
After months of relentless work, John packed his bags for a well deserved holiday where the sun soaked islands of Greece called his name.
Upon arrival, a wave of warm, salty air greeted him. Taking a deep breath the scent of the sea inhaled into his lungs. The chatter in the distant, the cool gentle breeze made John realise his holiday had just begun.
He wandered through the peaceful coastal village to explore the unseen, mysterious parts of Greece; unaware of what he might find. A peculiar, muffled sound came from the left of him which seemed to be a dark narrow alleyway. Curiously, John approached this noise and came across a dust covered door which had a slight gap making it accessible.
Anxiously but still invested John reached into his jeans pocket to find his carved lighter. The flickering of light made it possible for John to see clearly and able to observe the door further.
The lighter created a soft amber glow as John leaned closer to the door. It appeared to be older than how it first seemed- the rough wooden frame was marked with carved symbols like stars which seemed to have worn away overtime. The door looked familiar but John couldn’t place where he had seen it from. The muffled sound had stopped almost like it sensed his presence. The thudding of John’s heart created hesitation but he had a wave of emotions- fear and wonder leading him to push the door open even more and he was now able to slip inside.
Now , John is inside. However, it isn’t how he expected it to be. His wild but creative imagination came up with the idea of overgrown trees with swinging dangerous branches, dark eary atmosphere, wild frightening animals but yet it was the complete opposite.
It was the most beautiful imagery he had ever seen- something from out of a fairytale book. The sky above painted with a vibrant blue, delicate flowers bloomed with pastel colours with unrecognisable patterns. John stood there in admiration and whispered to himself ‘’how is this even real?’’.
After months of relentless work, John had come to Greece for the holiday he deserved. A break away from the stress and the unwelcoming weather. But what he had discovered was that this break away was far greater than what he’d expected. The discovery was waiting for him all of his life. So John happily enjoyed the unbeatable weather with the precious views for the next following days.

would anybody be able to mark mine. My target grade is a 4 but iv been achieving a 5.
After months of relentless work, John packed his bags for a well deserved holiday where the sun soaked islands of Greece called his name.
Upon arrival, a wave of warm, salty air greeted him. Taking a deep breath the scent of the sea inhaled into his lungs. The chatter in the distant, the cool gentle breeze made John realise his holiday had just begun.
He wandered through the peaceful coastal village to explore the unseen, mysterious parts of Greece; unaware of what he might find. A peculiar, muffled sound came from the left of him which seemed to be a dark narrow alleyway. Curiously, John approached this noise and came across a dust covered door which had a slight gap making it accessible.
Anxiously but still invested John reached into his jeans pocket to find his carved lighter. The flickering of light made it possible for John to see clearly and able to observe the door further.
The lighter created a soft amber glow as John leaned closer to the door. It appeared to be older than how it first seemed- the rough wooden frame was marked with carved symbols like stars which seemed to have worn away overtime. The door looked familiar but John couldn’t place where he had seen it from. The muffled sound had stopped almost like it sensed his presence. The thudding of John’s heart created hesitation but he had a wave of emotions- fear and wonder leading him to push the door open even more and he was now able to slip inside.
Now , John is inside. However, it isn’t how he expected it to be. His wild but creative imagination came up with the idea of overgrown trees with swinging dangerous branches, dark eary atmosphere, wild frightening animals but yet it was the complete opposite.
It was the most beautiful imagery he had ever seen- something from out of a fairytale book. The sky above painted with a vibrant blue, delicate flowers bloomed with pastel colours with unrecognisable patterns. John stood there in admiration and whispered to himself ‘’how is this even real?’’.
After months of relentless work, John had come to Greece for the holiday he deserved. A break away from the stress and the unwelcoming weather. But what he had discovered was that this break away was far greater than what he’d expected. The discovery was waiting for him all of his life. So John happily enjoyed the unbeatable weather with the precious views for the next following days.

can someone give me analysis for a story that can be adapted to any situation,i'm good for the rest but kinda stuck on 5 as I'm stuck on 27/40 and it really drags my grade down