Pls could you mark my English Q5

10

5. Out at Night

I rested my cheek on the surface of the chipped fibreboard table, the sepia-tinged strip lights humming above my head. It was another cold night. Hours earlier, I had decided to venture out from my meagre apartment to eat in the city, I regretted it now. Glum, I looked out the windows. Above the port, the sky was the colour of a television, tuned to a dead channel. Yet the moon was visible. Just barely though, forcing its head through a thick lacquer of chrome-stained clouds. Bright neon lights illuminated the scene, pulsing in their set rhythms.

I looked up, moths hovered in the humid air, swarming over the lights like flies on a carcass. A television hung in the corner of the shop; the CNN logo burned into its screen. A man stared at me from behind the counter, looking me up and down with his eyebrows drawn. I sat up, feeling more tired still, pockmarked fingernails scratching idly at the bowl of my meal.

I remembered what life used to be like, back in sunny Amalfi, with the azure glare of the ocean whipping across your vision. Everywhere you looked, there were buildings, hundreds of flat-topped terraces lining the roads which sloped over the city. I breathed in, tasting that familiar salty tang of the ocean air as it hit the back of my throat, the crunchy taste of the persimmons and the smoothness of the figs. I regarded the city, content, taking in the saturated surroundings before –

Bang

My head thudded sharply against the table, jerking me back to reality. I grimaced, the fetid stench of the overcooked sprouts in my bowl hung like a miasma around me. I sank lower in my seat under the judgmental gaze of the impatient shopkeeper. “we’re closed,” he told me, “Out now”, he sneered, clarifying.

Suddenly, a desire to escape this waking nightmare overcame me. Clawing my way out from under the oppressive stink of the cheap noodle house, I stumbled to the door, a migraine forming behind my eyes. I rested my hand on the surface of the chipped metal door handle, the sepia-tinged strip lights showing a glare in the painted steel. I looked out into the cold night and, comforted by the warm memories of my childhood and the shifting static of the sky above me, I stepped into the filmy drizzle of the city.

Reply 1

frlt2324

9

First of all,you would definetly lose marks for using onomatopoeia in the wrong way. If you have read any books that use it you would notice they don't use "Bang" maybe in comic books. You need to use it like " He banged the gong as loud as he could". So ensure you fix that. Excellent vocab usage and short sentences are used effectively. Might I suggest to use a cliffhanger because that's a structural feature and you get marks for that. Ensure you are zooming in/out on certain aspects and try to make the reader feel whatever you want them to. Maybe how the heart is palpitating or weird smells to effectively create atmosphere. It's not an official rule but try to add at least 15 MAPSO features. (Metaphor,Alliteration,Personification,Simile,Onomatopoeia.I would give it a 30/40. I am not a professional marker so an actual teacher might give it higher/lower.Hope it helps

Reply 2

ambitious_tiger

11

I really like the dystopian tone to this! The imagery in your work is very vivid. The use of flashback was a great idea and shows that you can use both language and structure in your writing. However, I'd say that it feels like you are forcing yourself to use complex vocabulary. Creative writing shouldn't be forced but organic, free-flowing. I appreciate that you are using very sophisticated language, but imagine established writers, like JK Rowling - their writing style involves using more figurative language (similes, metaphors etc.) and that's what the examiners are looking for in the 24 marks for Content and Organisation. Examiners LOVE imagery (which you have got a decent amount of), dialogue, and structure (you also have some of this). To get to the highest band, though, implement dialogue, make your writing seem organic, and try to write more: you need 4-5ish chunky paragraphs to make the examiner think that you've done something to a high enough standard. I shall give you 30/40. I'm not a teacher or marker so don't take my word for this. Good luck!

Reply 3

frlt2324

9

Original post

by ambitious_tiger

I really like the dystopian tone to this! The imagery in your work is very vivid. The use of flashback was a great idea and shows that you can use both language and structure in your writing. However, I'd say that it feels like you are forcing yourself to use complex vocabulary. Creative writing shouldn't be forced but organic, free-flowing. I appreciate that you are using very sophisticated language, but imagine established writers, like JK Rowling - their writing style involves using more figurative language (similes, metaphors etc.) and that's what the examiners are looking for in the 24 marks for Content and Organisation. Examiners LOVE imagery (which you have got a decent amount of), dialogue, and structure (you also have some of this). To get to the highest band, though, implement dialogue, make your writing seem organic, and try to write more: you need 4-5ish chunky paragraphs to make the examiner think that you've done something to a high enough standard. I shall give you 30/40. I'm not a teacher or marker so don't take my word for this. Good luck!

Depends but isn't dialogue frowned upon since most of the time you aren't implementing any of language features?That's why I don't really use dialogue as much

Reply 4

ambitious_tiger

11

Original post

by frlt2324

Depends but isn't dialogue frowned upon since most of the time you aren't implementing any of language features?That's why I don't really use dialogue as much

I see what you're saying but I personally try to include at least 2 pieces of dialogue to show the marker that I can use speech to create an effect for the reader (tension, relief etc.) Of course, if a large chunk of your story is dialogue, then you'll get no credit for that.

(edited 12 months ago)

Reply 5

hp49

OP

10

Original post

by frlt2324

First of all,you would definetly lose marks for using onomatopoeia in the wrong way. If you have read any books that use it you would notice they don't use "Bang" maybe in comic books. You need to use it like " He banged the gong as loud as he could". So ensure you fix that. Excellent vocab usage and short sentences are used effectively. Might I suggest to use a cliffhanger because that's a structural feature and you get marks for that. Ensure you are zooming in/out on certain aspects and try to make the reader feel whatever you want them to. Maybe how the heart is palpitating or weird smells to effectively create atmosphere. It's not an official rule but try to add at least 15 MAPSO features. (Metaphor,Alliteration,Personification,Simile,Onomatopoeia.I would give it a 30/40. I am not a professional marker so an actual teacher might give it higher/lower.Hope it helps

thanks bro. I wasn't really sure how to give a sense of the character being awakened from his dreams. i'll try this in future

Reply 6

hp49

OP

10

Original post

by ambitious_tiger

I really like the dystopian tone to this! The imagery in your work is very vivid. The use of flashback was a great idea and shows that you can use both language and structure in your writing. However, I'd say that it feels like you are forcing yourself to use complex vocabulary. Creative writing shouldn't be forced but organic, free-flowing. I appreciate that you are using very sophisticated language, but imagine established writers, like JK Rowling - their writing style involves using more figurative language (similes, metaphors etc.) and that's what the examiners are looking for in the 24 marks for Content and Organisation. Examiners LOVE imagery (which you have got a decent amount of), dialogue, and structure (you also have some of this). To get to the highest band, though, implement dialogue, make your writing seem organic, and try to write more: you need 4-5ish chunky paragraphs to make the examiner think that you've done something to a high enough standard. I shall give you 30/40. I'm not a teacher or marker so don't take my word for this. Good luck!

Thanks! I'll keep that in mind

Reply 7

frlt2324

9

Original post

by hp49

thanks bro. I wasn't really sure how to give a sense of the character being awakened from his dreams. i'll try this in future

I mean you could say he could feel a tightening in his throat and he woke up gasping for air or you could use the dream as a way to wake him up Like he had a nightmare and he woke up instantly.

Pls could you mark my English Q5

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