Difficulty Making Friends...

Hi,
I apologise if this seems too long; it is almost like a rant.
Since I was little, I’ve found it hard to make lasting friendships. I’m going to university soon—moving away from the city I grew up in—and the thought of starting fresh without a strong social base is a bit unsettling. People often say I come across as confident, even sociable, but I know that’s not the full story. I'm quiet, more reserved than most, but not shy. I can hold my own in conversations, especially when I know what I’m talking about. But I rarely feel like I fit. People often tell me I come across as confident, even sociable, but underneath that, I find it hard to build friendships that actually stick.
Throughout school, I’ve ended up in friendships where I played the role of the neutral adviser—someone people came to when they were falling out or needed perspective. I never picked sides. But once they resolved things, I’d get left out as they go back to their socail group leaving me on edge. That cycle happened more than once. It made me question whether I was ever really included at all. It makes me wonder if I was ever really part of it or just someone useful in the moment. It’s made me wary. Sometimes I think I’m just not assertive enough—like I’m there, but not fully seen.There’s also this weird dynamic where people tell me I’m resilient because I handle being left out or pressured into things. I’m not easily swayed, and that can make people think I’m cold or stubborn.
I’m quiet and introverted by nature, but not shy. I can speak up when I need to, especially in structured environments like school or placements, where I know my role. But socially, I find it harder. I overthink how I come across. Being the eldest of five has made me used to taking charge, but it also makes me second-guess myself—like I’m being too controlling or intense when I try to contribute. Even in conversations, I worry I might be coming off as too serious or robotic. I’ve heard that before, from siblings, old friends, even my parents—that I overanalyse everything and don’t come across as very "fun." I know they don’t mean it cruelly, but still.
I’ve never been interested in what most people my age are into—social media, fashion trends, small talk. I care more about wellbeing, ideas, learning. I’m into research, science, leadership, and honestly, I get along better with older people—teachers, professionals, even pensioners—than with my own peer group. I don’t know if that’s a flaw or just... a mismatch.
If someone pushes me to do something “just for their feelings”—like going out when I don’t want to, or wasting time on things that go against my values—I’ll usually say no. Not rudely, but firmly. I’ve learned to prioritise long-term goals over short-term approval. At home, I’ve had to be the logical one—eldest of five, often the one my siblings and even my mum turn to when they don’t know what to do. That mindset carries into my social life, and it can make me seem detached or overly rational.
I’ve always avoided overly outgoing groups. A lot of them are into things I just don’t want anything to do with—partying, drugs, casual sex, tearing each other apart on social media. I’ve seen where that leads. Some of the people who outperformed me in primary school—who were in the top groups for maths and English—got pulled down by the people they surrounded themselves with. They drifted, fell behind, and some of them aren’t even in school anymore. Even the friends who used to leave me out? Same story. Meanwhile, I kept my head down, and now I’m heading into medicine.
But still—despite everything—I’m worried. What if I don’t make friends at uni? What if I stay too distant and end up completely alone? I know I’m missing a few social skills, and I want to learn. Not to be popular, just to connect. Even just with one or two people who I can trust. I worry how people will perceive me if I don’t have a social circle, especially since the uni I’m going to has a lot of international students. And from what I’ve heard—maybe unfairly—a lot of them can be dismissive or rude towards Scots. I don’t know how much of that is true, but it plays on my mind.
I don’t need loud friendships or constant attention. I just want to be understood. I don’t want to have to fake an interest in things I find empty just to avoid isolation. I care about wellbeing, growth, doing something meaningful. I’ve never fit the mould, and I’m fine with that—I just don’t want it to cost me everything socially.
What I’m hoping for at uni isn’t a huge circle of friends. Just one or two people who get it—who don’t mind the quieter moments, the deep chats, the occasional silence. People I can trust, who don’t just disappear the moment the drama dies down.
Any advice for building those kinds of friendships—without feeling like I have to pretend or shrink myself—would mean a lot.

Hi there,
Thanks for sharing your experience, and I'm sorry to hear you're feeling anxious about starting. However, you are definitely not alone in this and there are so many new students just like you out there. In fact you sound a lot like me when I was about to start uni as I too was worried about people not liking me because I didn't enjoy clubbing/going out too much.
First of all, I don't think being the diplomat is a bad thing at all. This shows that people can trust your judgement and rely on you to give helpful, mature advice - in the workplace (especially as you're going into medicine) - this will be hugely respected and will no doubt get you far.
One thing I'd say about uni is that the community dynamic is very different to that at school. People often don't argue about petty things, form cliques or deliberately exclude people/hold grudges. When everyone arrives together in a new environment, nobody will know each other and you will all be wanting to reach out and get to know people. And whilst this is your chance to be who you want to be, you should not feel the need to change your personality. People at uni are a lot more accepting and there is less of an emphasis on drinking, partying and going nowadays, with many students not wanting to get involved as much.
On worrying about how you will be perceived - this is something I can definitely empathise with, as will tons of others who are not naturally extraverted. What I would say is that everybody is in the centre of their own universe and are not likely to judge you on minor things that you do or say. Just be your authentic self, be friendly and talk to as many people as you can ('you want to go for a coffee after this lecture / hey, what are you studying? / where are you from? Is it far away?').
Have you considered joining a society from your first year? This can be a fun and easy way to connect with people who share an interest with you - take a look on your uni's website - I'm sure there will be loads of options. Here at Bath we have over 150 - choral society, circus skills, anime, tabletop games, women in business, even a society aimed at Scottish students. Just about one for anything you're interested in. Later on in your course you could even be on the committee for that society - organising the events/finances/marketing etc, which will be great to boost your CV too.
Overall, I'd advise you to please try not to worry too much. You get a wide range of people at uni, and when you're all strewn into a wholly unfamiliar and new environment together, people will all be wanting to make friends and be worried about the same things. Just be you, and people will like you for this. You do not need to change what you like/do not like - just keep being friendly, take an interest in other people and keep talking/putting yourself out there and I'm confident that you will find people like you. It may not be immediate, but really good friendships take time to grow and develop.
I hope this helps and the very best of luck with your next steps!
Holly
University of Bath

Hi,
I apologise if this seems too long; it is almost like a rant.
Since I was little, I’ve found it hard to make lasting friendships. I’m going to university soon—moving away from the city I grew up in—and the thought of starting fresh without a strong social base is a bit unsettling. People often say I come across as confident, even sociable, but I know that’s not the full story. I'm quiet, more reserved than most, but not shy. I can hold my own in conversations, especially when I know what I’m talking about. But I rarely feel like I fit. People often tell me I come across as confident, even sociable, but underneath that, I find it hard to build friendships that actually stick.
Throughout school, I’ve ended up in friendships where I played the role of the neutral adviser—someone people came to when they were falling out or needed perspective. I never picked sides. But once they resolved things, I’d get left out as they go back to their socail group leaving me on edge. That cycle happened more than once. It made me question whether I was ever really included at all. It makes me wonder if I was ever really part of it or just someone useful in the moment. It’s made me wary. Sometimes I think I’m just not assertive enough—like I’m there, but not fully seen.There’s also this weird dynamic where people tell me I’m resilient because I handle being left out or pressured into things. I’m not easily swayed, and that can make people think I’m cold or stubborn.
I’m quiet and introverted by nature, but not shy. I can speak up when I need to, especially in structured environments like school or placements, where I know my role. But socially, I find it harder. I overthink how I come across. Being the eldest of five has made me used to taking charge, but it also makes me second-guess myself—like I’m being too controlling or intense when I try to contribute. Even in conversations, I worry I might be coming off as too serious or robotic. I’ve heard that before, from siblings, old friends, even my parents—that I overanalyse everything and don’t come across as very "fun." I know they don’t mean it cruelly, but still.
I’ve never been interested in what most people my age are into—social media, fashion trends, small talk. I care more about wellbeing, ideas, learning. I’m into research, science, leadership, and honestly, I get along better with older people—teachers, professionals, even pensioners—than with my own peer group. I don’t know if that’s a flaw or just... a mismatch.
If someone pushes me to do something “just for their feelings”—like going out when I don’t want to, or wasting time on things that go against my values—I’ll usually say no. Not rudely, but firmly. I’ve learned to prioritise long-term goals over short-term approval. At home, I’ve had to be the logical one—eldest of five, often the one my siblings and even my mum turn to when they don’t know what to do. That mindset carries into my social life, and it can make me seem detached or overly rational.
I’ve always avoided overly outgoing groups. A lot of them are into things I just don’t want anything to do with—partying, drugs, casual sex, tearing each other apart on social media. I’ve seen where that leads. Some of the people who outperformed me in primary school—who were in the top groups for maths and English—got pulled down by the people they surrounded themselves with. They drifted, fell behind, and some of them aren’t even in school anymore. Even the friends who used to leave me out? Same story. Meanwhile, I kept my head down, and now I’m heading into medicine.
But still—despite everything—I’m worried. What if I don’t make friends at uni? What if I stay too distant and end up completely alone? I know I’m missing a few social skills, and I want to learn. Not to be popular, just to connect. Even just with one or two people who I can trust. I worry how people will perceive me if I don’t have a social circle, especially since the uni I’m going to has a lot of international students. And from what I’ve heard—maybe unfairly—a lot of them can be dismissive or rude towards Scots. I don’t know how much of that is true, but it plays on my mind.
I don’t need loud friendships or constant attention. I just want to be understood. I don’t want to have to fake an interest in things I find empty just to avoid isolation. I care about wellbeing, growth, doing something meaningful. I’ve never fit the mould, and I’m fine with that—I just don’t want it to cost me everything socially.
What I’m hoping for at uni isn’t a huge circle of friends. Just one or two people who get it—who don’t mind the quieter moments, the deep chats, the occasional silence. People I can trust, who don’t just disappear the moment the drama dies down.
Any advice for building those kinds of friendships—without feeling like I have to pretend or shrink myself—would mean a lot.

Hi,
I apologise if this seems too long; it is almost like a rant.
Since I was little, I’ve found it hard to make lasting friendships. I’m going to university soon—moving away from the city I grew up in—and the thought of starting fresh without a strong social base is a bit unsettling. People often say I come across as confident, even sociable, but I know that’s not the full story. I'm quiet, more reserved than most, but not shy. I can hold my own in conversations, especially when I know what I’m talking about. But I rarely feel like I fit. People often tell me I come across as confident, even sociable, but underneath that, I find it hard to build friendships that actually stick.
Throughout school, I’ve ended up in friendships where I played the role of the neutral adviser—someone people came to when they were falling out or needed perspective. I never picked sides. But once they resolved things, I’d get left out as they go back to their socail group leaving me on edge. That cycle happened more than once. It made me question whether I was ever really included at all. It makes me wonder if I was ever really part of it or just someone useful in the moment. It’s made me wary. Sometimes I think I’m just not assertive enough—like I’m there, but not fully seen.There’s also this weird dynamic where people tell me I’m resilient because I handle being left out or pressured into things. I’m not easily swayed, and that can make people think I’m cold or stubborn.
I’m quiet and introverted by nature, but not shy. I can speak up when I need to, especially in structured environments like school or placements, where I know my role. But socially, I find it harder. I overthink how I come across. Being the eldest of five has made me used to taking charge, but it also makes me second-guess myself—like I’m being too controlling or intense when I try to contribute. Even in conversations, I worry I might be coming off as too serious or robotic. I’ve heard that before, from siblings, old friends, even my parents—that I overanalyse everything and don’t come across as very "fun." I know they don’t mean it cruelly, but still.
I’ve never been interested in what most people my age are into—social media, fashion trends, small talk. I care more about wellbeing, ideas, learning. I’m into research, science, leadership, and honestly, I get along better with older people—teachers, professionals, even pensioners—than with my own peer group. I don’t know if that’s a flaw or just... a mismatch.
If someone pushes me to do something “just for their feelings”—like going out when I don’t want to, or wasting time on things that go against my values—I’ll usually say no. Not rudely, but firmly. I’ve learned to prioritise long-term goals over short-term approval. At home, I’ve had to be the logical one—eldest of five, often the one my siblings and even my mum turn to when they don’t know what to do. That mindset carries into my social life, and it can make me seem detached or overly rational.
I’ve always avoided overly outgoing groups. A lot of them are into things I just don’t want anything to do with—partying, drugs, casual sex, tearing each other apart on social media. I’ve seen where that leads. Some of the people who outperformed me in primary school—who were in the top groups for maths and English—got pulled down by the people they surrounded themselves with. They drifted, fell behind, and some of them aren’t even in school anymore. Even the friends who used to leave me out? Same story. Meanwhile, I kept my head down, and now I’m heading into medicine.
But still—despite everything—I’m worried. What if I don’t make friends at uni? What if I stay too distant and end up completely alone? I know I’m missing a few social skills, and I want to learn. Not to be popular, just to connect. Even just with one or two people who I can trust. I worry how people will perceive me if I don’t have a social circle, especially since the uni I’m going to has a lot of international students. And from what I’ve heard—maybe unfairly—a lot of them can be dismissive or rude towards Scots. I don’t know how much of that is true, but it plays on my mind.
I don’t need loud friendships or constant attention. I just want to be understood. I don’t want to have to fake an interest in things I find empty just to avoid isolation. I care about wellbeing, growth, doing something meaningful. I’ve never fit the mould, and I’m fine with that—I just don’t want it to cost me everything socially.
What I’m hoping for at uni isn’t a huge circle of friends. Just one or two people who get it—who don’t mind the quieter moments, the deep chats, the occasional silence. People I can trust, who don’t just disappear the moment the drama dies down.
Any advice for building those kinds of friendships—without feeling like I have to pretend or shrink myself—would mean a lot.

Hi,
I apologise if this seems too long; it is almost like a rant.
Since I was little, I’ve found it hard to make lasting friendships. I’m going to university soon—moving away from the city I grew up in—and the thought of starting fresh without a strong social base is a bit unsettling. People often say I come across as confident, even sociable, but I know that’s not the full story. I'm quiet, more reserved than most, but not shy. I can hold my own in conversations, especially when I know what I’m talking about. But I rarely feel like I fit. People often tell me I come across as confident, even sociable, but underneath that, I find it hard to build friendships that actually stick.
Throughout school, I’ve ended up in friendships where I played the role of the neutral adviser—someone people came to when they were falling out or needed perspective. I never picked sides. But once they resolved things, I’d get left out as they go back to their socail group leaving me on edge. That cycle happened more than once. It made me question whether I was ever really included at all. It makes me wonder if I was ever really part of it or just someone useful in the moment. It’s made me wary. Sometimes I think I’m just not assertive enough—like I’m there, but not fully seen.There’s also this weird dynamic where people tell me I’m resilient because I handle being left out or pressured into things. I’m not easily swayed, and that can make people think I’m cold or stubborn.
I’m quiet and introverted by nature, but not shy. I can speak up when I need to, especially in structured environments like school or placements, where I know my role. But socially, I find it harder. I overthink how I come across. Being the eldest of five has made me used to taking charge, but it also makes me second-guess myself—like I’m being too controlling or intense when I try to contribute. Even in conversations, I worry I might be coming off as too serious or robotic. I’ve heard that before, from siblings, old friends, even my parents—that I overanalyse everything and don’t come across as very "fun." I know they don’t mean it cruelly, but still.
I’ve never been interested in what most people my age are into—social media, fashion trends, small talk. I care more about wellbeing, ideas, learning. I’m into research, science, leadership, and honestly, I get along better with older people—teachers, professionals, even pensioners—than with my own peer group. I don’t know if that’s a flaw or just... a mismatch.
If someone pushes me to do something “just for their feelings”—like going out when I don’t want to, or wasting time on things that go against my values—I’ll usually say no. Not rudely, but firmly. I’ve learned to prioritise long-term goals over short-term approval. At home, I’ve had to be the logical one—eldest of five, often the one my siblings and even my mum turn to when they don’t know what to do. That mindset carries into my social life, and it can make me seem detached or overly rational.
I’ve always avoided overly outgoing groups. A lot of them are into things I just don’t want anything to do with—partying, drugs, casual sex, tearing each other apart on social media. I’ve seen where that leads. Some of the people who outperformed me in primary school—who were in the top groups for maths and English—got pulled down by the people they surrounded themselves with. They drifted, fell behind, and some of them aren’t even in school anymore. Even the friends who used to leave me out? Same story. Meanwhile, I kept my head down, and now I’m heading into medicine.
But still—despite everything—I’m worried. What if I don’t make friends at uni? What if I stay too distant and end up completely alone? I know I’m missing a few social skills, and I want to learn. Not to be popular, just to connect. Even just with one or two people who I can trust. I worry how people will perceive me if I don’t have a social circle, especially since the uni I’m going to has a lot of international students. And from what I’ve heard—maybe unfairly—a lot of them can be dismissive or rude towards Scots. I don’t know how much of that is true, but it plays on my mind.
I don’t need loud friendships or constant attention. I just want to be understood. I don’t want to have to fake an interest in things I find empty just to avoid isolation. I care about wellbeing, growth, doing something meaningful. I’ve never fit the mould, and I’m fine with that—I just don’t want it to cost me everything socially.
What I’m hoping for at uni isn’t a huge circle of friends. Just one or two people who get it—who don’t mind the quieter moments, the deep chats, the occasional silence. People I can trust, who don’t just disappear the moment the drama dies down.
Any advice for building those kinds of friendships—without feeling like I have to pretend or shrink myself—would mean a lot.

Thank you!