Is my Boyfriend Sensitive or am I mean?
Hi everyone, I’m posting this pretty sure I’m in the wrong but wanted to see what others thought anyway: am I being mean to my boyfriend?
So recently me and my boyfriend have had a few issues. We disagree on certain things and it may be effecting our relationship.
So, my boyfriend’s diet mainly consists of takeaways. I brought this up to him wanting to say maybe you need to incorporate some other things into what you’re eating, and I went about it totally the wrong way, poking fun at the fact it seems he only ever eats chicken nuggets and macdonalds burgers. We had a conversation about it and I apologised. Since then I’ve offered to cook him food, teach him how to cook, cook with him etc but none of it is kind of appealing to him. He also sleeps really late a lot of the time, but I feel he never gets enough sleep.
As well as this, I’ve started to sleep late too and I really cannot function without enough sleep. I’ve told him this and he repeatedly stays late even after I’ve said ‘okay, I think it’s time for me to sleep now’. I know it’s my job to enforce this boundary of mine but surely it’s also on him to respect it right?
As well as this, I’m a very affectionate person, and so is he. Sometimes I don’t feel like cuddling because we’ve already been doing it for a while and he gets kind of upset, which is valid but it feels like I’m constantly catering to the fact that he wants a cuddle, not the fact that I don’t after we have already done it for a while.
As well as this, a while back he set a boundary that he doesn’t like to be tickled, which is totally fair. Sometimes (about three times now) in the moment I totally forget that he doesn’t like to be tickled and I’ll go to do it but stop immediately. This happened the other day and I tickled him for two seconds and then remembered and stopped and apologised and moved away. We were talking about it and he brought up the fact that people break up with their partners because they tickle them too much, and that the partners that tickle do it because it gives them a sort of power kick in the relationship? That definitely isn’t me, I just thought it was a funny thing to do really, but I’m putting more effort into not doing that when we are mucking around. I’m scared he thinks I’m trying to belittle him in doing this, I’m not, it’s just something I do with my sibling, friends, and cousins a lot of the time.
Yesterday, we were sat in my room and one of us had like a bit of bread from a sandwhich and we were messing about and trying to throw it at eachother when I grabbed his ankle. He said something about his leg being hairy and I said ‘yeah like a spider’ in a totally kind of optimistic neutral jokey tone. I want to respect his privacy (as much as I can despite asking for advice on here), but he was very very upset with me. I apologised profusely and he said he forgives me, however he is still upset with me. Ik this sounds a trivial situation and even weird but it’s a really random situation that I hope isn’t my wrong doing?
We have also had some issues with texting: he thinks that as soon as I’ve read his message I should reply immediately, whereas I think it’s okay if I read it and then respond like ten minutes later as we are both busy students. Sometimes I just want to know what he has said so I can respond in a bit and just formulate an answer in my head.
Am I being insensitive? I would never say to him I think he is being sensitive because everyone has a right to be upset at something that has hurt their feelings, but it feels like I’ll do something and he will be hurt, and he will do something and I will be hurt, but I can just move on from it but he can’t? I’m not saying this is a flaw, he’s the kindest loveliest person ever, it’s just that we are quite different in some respects ie sensitivity levels.
I don’t think either of us are wrong as of the moment, I guess I just need some advice. I’ve talked to my best friend and they agree with me.
Am I being a bad girlfriend?
So recently me and my boyfriend have had a few issues. We disagree on certain things and it may be effecting our relationship.
So, my boyfriend’s diet mainly consists of takeaways. I brought this up to him wanting to say maybe you need to incorporate some other things into what you’re eating, and I went about it totally the wrong way, poking fun at the fact it seems he only ever eats chicken nuggets and macdonalds burgers. We had a conversation about it and I apologised. Since then I’ve offered to cook him food, teach him how to cook, cook with him etc but none of it is kind of appealing to him. He also sleeps really late a lot of the time, but I feel he never gets enough sleep.
As well as this, I’ve started to sleep late too and I really cannot function without enough sleep. I’ve told him this and he repeatedly stays late even after I’ve said ‘okay, I think it’s time for me to sleep now’. I know it’s my job to enforce this boundary of mine but surely it’s also on him to respect it right?
As well as this, I’m a very affectionate person, and so is he. Sometimes I don’t feel like cuddling because we’ve already been doing it for a while and he gets kind of upset, which is valid but it feels like I’m constantly catering to the fact that he wants a cuddle, not the fact that I don’t after we have already done it for a while.
As well as this, a while back he set a boundary that he doesn’t like to be tickled, which is totally fair. Sometimes (about three times now) in the moment I totally forget that he doesn’t like to be tickled and I’ll go to do it but stop immediately. This happened the other day and I tickled him for two seconds and then remembered and stopped and apologised and moved away. We were talking about it and he brought up the fact that people break up with their partners because they tickle them too much, and that the partners that tickle do it because it gives them a sort of power kick in the relationship? That definitely isn’t me, I just thought it was a funny thing to do really, but I’m putting more effort into not doing that when we are mucking around. I’m scared he thinks I’m trying to belittle him in doing this, I’m not, it’s just something I do with my sibling, friends, and cousins a lot of the time.
Yesterday, we were sat in my room and one of us had like a bit of bread from a sandwhich and we were messing about and trying to throw it at eachother when I grabbed his ankle. He said something about his leg being hairy and I said ‘yeah like a spider’ in a totally kind of optimistic neutral jokey tone. I want to respect his privacy (as much as I can despite asking for advice on here), but he was very very upset with me. I apologised profusely and he said he forgives me, however he is still upset with me. Ik this sounds a trivial situation and even weird but it’s a really random situation that I hope isn’t my wrong doing?
We have also had some issues with texting: he thinks that as soon as I’ve read his message I should reply immediately, whereas I think it’s okay if I read it and then respond like ten minutes later as we are both busy students. Sometimes I just want to know what he has said so I can respond in a bit and just formulate an answer in my head.
Am I being insensitive? I would never say to him I think he is being sensitive because everyone has a right to be upset at something that has hurt their feelings, but it feels like I’ll do something and he will be hurt, and he will do something and I will be hurt, but I can just move on from it but he can’t? I’m not saying this is a flaw, he’s the kindest loveliest person ever, it’s just that we are quite different in some respects ie sensitivity levels.
I don’t think either of us are wrong as of the moment, I guess I just need some advice. I’ve talked to my best friend and they agree with me.
Am I being a bad girlfriend?
Reply 1
Honestly it sounds like he needs to learn not to sweat the small stuff so much. He needs to internalise that you love him and you're trying your best but you won't always be able to 100% respect his wishes 24/7, or be instantly available by text at any time, because you are in fact a human being.
Responding to someone by text after 10 minutes is a big compliment; it means you really like talking to them and really value their time. I usually respond to my boyfriend within an hour or two if it's not something really important and I feel that he's got it pretty good. Expecting an instant response is ridiculous.
It sounds like perhaps your boyfriend's sense of humour, or lack thereof, is a bit different from yours. Sulking because someone says your leg is hairy like a spider's is absurd, childish behaviour; that would be a genuinely funny and cute running joke IMO. This wouldn't be his first real relationship would it?
Responding to someone by text after 10 minutes is a big compliment; it means you really like talking to them and really value their time. I usually respond to my boyfriend within an hour or two if it's not something really important and I feel that he's got it pretty good. Expecting an instant response is ridiculous.
It sounds like perhaps your boyfriend's sense of humour, or lack thereof, is a bit different from yours. Sulking because someone says your leg is hairy like a spider's is absurd, childish behaviour; that would be a genuinely funny and cute running joke IMO. This wouldn't be his first real relationship would it?
Sounds like typical teenager/young person relationship issues to me, though largely on his side. As is not at all uncommon with relationships around this age, his maturity level seems to be a little behind yours. It's really just a matter of slowly working through these things. A lot of them may well be resolved with time and different approaches. If they aren't and they become major issues, then that's when the relationship ends, but there's nothing to suggest that that's the case here yet.
He needs to put his approach to texting right in the bin, though. There should absolutely not be any expectation on you to respond to texts immediately, or even within ten minutes. Sometimes people have the time to respond to texts immediately. Sometimes they don't. That's a matter for them and not for the person texting them. If it makes him insecure, and there is absolutely no reason why it should in the real world, that is something he needs to work on. I see so many comments here around people being concerned about being "left on read", and it is just utter, unmitigated nonsense. We live in a highly connected world which puts a huge amount of stress on those within it. Not responding to texts immediately is a good thing which shows that a person is able to disconnect themselves from that pressure to respond to things immediately. It is not, in any way, a personal slight. Those who hang their emotions on whether a person responds to a message immediately need to take a step back and reflect on their use of, and dependence on technology. It is their issue, and not an issue with those who they are messaging.
He needs to put his approach to texting right in the bin, though. There should absolutely not be any expectation on you to respond to texts immediately, or even within ten minutes. Sometimes people have the time to respond to texts immediately. Sometimes they don't. That's a matter for them and not for the person texting them. If it makes him insecure, and there is absolutely no reason why it should in the real world, that is something he needs to work on. I see so many comments here around people being concerned about being "left on read", and it is just utter, unmitigated nonsense. We live in a highly connected world which puts a huge amount of stress on those within it. Not responding to texts immediately is a good thing which shows that a person is able to disconnect themselves from that pressure to respond to things immediately. It is not, in any way, a personal slight. Those who hang their emotions on whether a person responds to a message immediately need to take a step back and reflect on their use of, and dependence on technology. It is their issue, and not an issue with those who they are messaging.
Reply 3
You are actually thinking and acting along the right lines in order to be a highly attractive girlfriend (or boyfriend).
It's the art of being a "positive challenge". Whereby you are great company when you're together with him. Funny, adventurous, positive, enthusiastic, capable, rock solid good mood. And where you don't let him conquer your time, your humour nor your reactions. To the extent that he will get frustrated because he can't conquer any of those 3 things.
This will make you more attractive than the typical nice girl / guy. The sort of person that's a doormat.
And more attractive than a "negative challenge". The sort of person that acts like a jerk or like a nasty / controlling / bossy / angry / cheating person.
You mentioning his childish and unhealthy take-away eating habits is OK if you bring up the subject about once every 6 months. You have a valid point of view on this. Any more often than that and you'd be nagging him, which is not a good thing as that starts putting you in negative challenge territory.
The joke about spider legs was a good one. You shouldn't let his reaction put you off making jokes like that in the future. As it's part of your sense of humour. And you shouldn't apologise when he gets upset at your humour - as that would be to let him conquer your reactions. IE he uses getting upset as a way to manipulate you into being apologetic, even though you've done nothing to apologise about. You still love him and you're attracted to him. You just made a silly throw-away joke. The sort that you do throw out from time to time. Not all of your jokes will be perfectly socially calibrated.
If you were to joke about his "spider legs" multiple times in a day, that would be bullying. One joke with that punchline is fine.
One good technique to deploy when making cheeky jokes is to use push-pulls. So that included with a joke that's a bit cruel is something nice. Eg "Yeah like a spider. Hairy legs are more masculine." Or "Yeah like a spider. I love hairy legs on a man." Or "Yeah like a spider. Gimme a kiss!"
The texting is all about him conquering your time. It's fine if you take more than 10 minutes to respond to his texts. It's fine if you don't respond to his texts at all - by text. And you respond to them in person next time you see him. This will frustrate him. It's a great way to frustrate as it will increase his interest and attraction towards you. Especially if you're the sort of person that keeps busy when you're not with him. Studying, working, sleeping, cooking, eating, socialising with others.
I think that this boy will need to develop and mature in order for him to be worth settling down with in a long term relationship or marriage.
It's the art of being a "positive challenge". Whereby you are great company when you're together with him. Funny, adventurous, positive, enthusiastic, capable, rock solid good mood. And where you don't let him conquer your time, your humour nor your reactions. To the extent that he will get frustrated because he can't conquer any of those 3 things.
This will make you more attractive than the typical nice girl / guy. The sort of person that's a doormat.
And more attractive than a "negative challenge". The sort of person that acts like a jerk or like a nasty / controlling / bossy / angry / cheating person.
You mentioning his childish and unhealthy take-away eating habits is OK if you bring up the subject about once every 6 months. You have a valid point of view on this. Any more often than that and you'd be nagging him, which is not a good thing as that starts putting you in negative challenge territory.
The joke about spider legs was a good one. You shouldn't let his reaction put you off making jokes like that in the future. As it's part of your sense of humour. And you shouldn't apologise when he gets upset at your humour - as that would be to let him conquer your reactions. IE he uses getting upset as a way to manipulate you into being apologetic, even though you've done nothing to apologise about. You still love him and you're attracted to him. You just made a silly throw-away joke. The sort that you do throw out from time to time. Not all of your jokes will be perfectly socially calibrated.
If you were to joke about his "spider legs" multiple times in a day, that would be bullying. One joke with that punchline is fine.
One good technique to deploy when making cheeky jokes is to use push-pulls. So that included with a joke that's a bit cruel is something nice. Eg "Yeah like a spider. Hairy legs are more masculine." Or "Yeah like a spider. I love hairy legs on a man." Or "Yeah like a spider. Gimme a kiss!"
The texting is all about him conquering your time. It's fine if you take more than 10 minutes to respond to his texts. It's fine if you don't respond to his texts at all - by text. And you respond to them in person next time you see him. This will frustrate him. It's a great way to frustrate as it will increase his interest and attraction towards you. Especially if you're the sort of person that keeps busy when you're not with him. Studying, working, sleeping, cooking, eating, socialising with others.
I think that this boy will need to develop and mature in order for him to be worth settling down with in a long term relationship or marriage.
Reply 4
Thanks for all these responses guys they’ve been so helpful, I really appreciate them ❤️
Reply 5
Original post by anosmianAcrimony
Honestly it sounds like he needs to learn not to sweat the small stuff so much. He needs to internalise that you love him and you're trying your best but you won't always be able to 100% respect his wishes 24/7, or be instantly available by text at any time, because you are in fact a human being.
Responding to someone by text after 10 minutes is a big compliment; it means you really like talking to them and really value their time. I usually respond to my boyfriend within an hour or two if it's not something really important and I feel that he's got it pretty good. Expecting an instant response is ridiculous.
It sounds like perhaps your boyfriend's sense of humour, or lack thereof, is a bit different from yours. Sulking because someone says your leg is hairy like a spider's is absurd, childish behaviour; that would be a genuinely funny and cute running joke IMO. This wouldn't be his first real relationship would it?
Responding to someone by text after 10 minutes is a big compliment; it means you really like talking to them and really value their time. I usually respond to my boyfriend within an hour or two if it's not something really important and I feel that he's got it pretty good. Expecting an instant response is ridiculous.
It sounds like perhaps your boyfriend's sense of humour, or lack thereof, is a bit different from yours. Sulking because someone says your leg is hairy like a spider's is absurd, childish behaviour; that would be a genuinely funny and cute running joke IMO. This wouldn't be his first real relationship would it?
It’s actually his second relationship, thank you for your helpful advice ❤️
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